Got a social media stalker after couple sessions

Hi everyone, this is my first time posting here after lurking around for a while. Im not one to talk much online but I got myself in an interesting situation so I wonder if anybody got similar experiences and how they deal with it.

So I had 2 long sessions with this one client and he admitted to me that he stalked me online in the 2nd session (he mentioned something that I didn't talk about in the 1st session by accident). I felt weird about it along with his questionable behaviours in person so I decided to not have any session with him afterwards.

However, recently, I found my instagram (though inactive) being attacked by an anonymous account that sounds a lot like him and I don't think it would be stretch for me to believe so as he did something similar in the past to het my attention. So have anybody has such experience and how did/would you deal with this?

Thank you.

CrossFitNLattes

@SapioCuddler that's scary and the #1 reason why all social media should be kept private. My social media accounts are all private since I've been stalked by someone that I met at a dancing event. I wouldn't give him the time of day and block the account that is trying to get your attention. Also, report him to one of the moderators.

Mike403

To anyone out there: Stalking somebody's social media account whom you're not friends with and finding out something about them that wasn't voluntarily shared with you is creepy. Don't do it.

@crossedoversoul Im a painter so it's hard to keep my social media private, however, I didn't share with him anything beyond my first name and yet, he found me. And it looks like he deactivated his account, unfortunately. And to be honest, what bother me more is that this could be a potential side effect of pro cuddling.

Mike403

@SapioCuddler - My phone automatically does a reverse lookup on phone numbers that calls or texts me. That's how I found out the last name of the pro I was seeing after we exchanged numbers.

@Mike403 i gave him my burner #so he couldn't get my name from that. He had to do some digging to find my social medias. Also, they aren't linked to each other...

Sheena123

Do you use the same pics? That’s one way to find people is by doing a reverse image check and anything with that pic would pop up.

I haven’t been through that situation though so I’m not sure how I would deal with it. I guess if I knew it was him, I would block and report.

@Sheena123 no I don't post the same pics. He once called me from 15 different # (probably all google # since they are all the same except for the last 2 numbers) so I guess he would just create new accs to harass me further.

Sheena123

Yea, that’s hella creepy

geoff1000

@SapioCuddler
Do you have a way to contact him ? Are there any helplines you could call ? Involving the police might cause escalation, but I'd suggest something "formal". One of them might be able to get a "female friend" to gently but firmly explain the adverse effect of his behaviour.

When I was a taxi-driver, a customer called the office, said I was a friend, and they gave out my private cell phone number. I had a couple of voicemails and text messages off him, which were a bit annoying, and I don't converse when I see him in town. I guess for a woman, it must be a lot worse ; men can be very, unpredictable.

I have his number, though Im not if it's real or a burner # or not and the police can't do anything about it as far as I know. Based on what my impression of him, he is late 20s, inexperienced, naive yet very stubborn so I don't know if he would listen to a gentle "female friend" 😅

geoff1000

@SapioCuddler
At that age ( and often older ) men get confused between focused and obsessive, between committed and stubborn.

He is probably seeking a relationship ; and believing that his efforts show you how clever and enthusiastic he is, to make a good impression, and win you over. Whatever you say in a "nice" way, might be taken as a test of if he is easily discouraged, so won't help much.

An aggressive male friend or police, might just wind him up. What it needs is someone to explain why what he's doing is wrong, but without triggering an over-reaction. Maybe he's reading these posts.

As you suggest, you were probably his "first time" at this, and platonic cuddling is well beyond what some men have experienced at that age. What will help him, and hence you, is for him to realise you are just one of many pros who will treat him that way ; so he doesn't need to hang onto you.

Most men want to make women happy, and he has to realise that sometimes the best way to do that, is to let them go. It's the hardest lesson a man ever learns, so contrary to their instincts.

In a recent movie, a character says to his wife, "If I can't have you, no-one else can". The real mark of a man, is one who says, "If I can't have you, I hope you find someone more suited". When we let someone go, to have a relationship with someone else, that is easier when we have made it clear that "the door is always open" ; but we have to genuinely hope that it works out for them.

I have sometimes been helped to be "all I can be", by a relationship that didn't work out ; believing that I should make myself "capable", in case they needed me. Like a team player on a squad keeping fit, even if they are never called to play. Life then finds it easier to offer you someone else. Even if it means just earning enough, to hire a pro for a while every so often.

Rezz

Yep I've had clients just slap that follow button on my social media, not bothering asking if it was ok. I block them and make it abundantly clear that seeking out my social media just cancelled any possibility of a session.

Guys, in case you were unaware, this is creepy and overstepping boundaries. You don't need to see our personal lives and you definitely don't need to see your cuddlers on vacation in a bikini.

@SapioCuddler

I know it's a little late but you may want to remove any personal photos of yourself from this art IG account if making it private is not possible.
or
Create one for your art, keep it public. One for your personal photos that uninvited clients can't lurk or follow without your permission.

Side note, I read a story about a Japanese pop star being stalked and tracked down by her assailant who zoomed into her eyes reflection to find her location and cross referencing it with google maps. Jeeezus.

geoff1000

"Painter" I assumed was as in Interior Decorator, my bad.

Lots of bad behaviour reported on the Internet and in movies, I don't think we need any more examples. ☹️

I blame romance movies and novels, where the girl is swept off her feet by the guy's behaviour which, if unwanted, would be creepy. Think of Richard Gere in "Pretty Woman" ; Julia Roberts didn't give him her address, he got it off the hotel chauffeur. Or "An Officer and a Gentleman", where he turns up at Debra Winger's place of work.

Mike403

@Envie - You might want to educate them because some people might just be collecting social media friends and not understand what they're doing is creepy behavior.

littermate

@SapioCuddler Types like this thrive on any attention they can get. My advice (I've worked with domestic violence victims and victims of stalking) Ignore him, block him, don't do a thing that conveys that you are giving any energy in his direction. He'll likely get bored and find another fixation.

The police can't really do something until you have a pattern of harassment. The way you establish that (if he doesn't stop with the ignoring, and I mean, ignore for a while if all he does is post stuff) , is to say very clearly "Please do not contact me in any way or I will consider it harassment." Then take an image of that and save it along with the date/time. And if he contacts you, preserve evidence of each time (note date/time and take an image). I believe a pattern of 3 harassment incidents = stalking. At least that's what the law was back when I was doing this in the late 90s. You may also preserve any evidence you have to date of creepy stuff.

Unfortunately, it's not illegal to be curious and use Google, FB and everything else to find someone. It's actually quite easy if you have a picture, a name, a few details. Protecting yourself, your privacy, where you live, your personal contact info, etc. is super important, especially if you're going to be a pro cuddler, but even if you aren't. I don't have a lot of experience with this myself. I'm super careful about who I let anywhere near me or near my info, including my name.

It can't hurt to also involve a local domestic violence shelter or counselor to have a trail of evidence that you feel threatened. Also, if someone is educated about the legalities and psychology of this kind of thing, you'll be able to get some free support if he continues to be a weirdo.

Hugs to you. This kind of thing is freaky and you have every right to feel unnerved. I'm so glad you messaged here to get some support.

geoff1000

@SapioCuddler
I noticed you said, "along with his questionable behaviours in person" ; suggesting that if his behaviours in person had been good, then looking you up on social media would have been OK, or at least tolerable. Others are saying that's too creepy by itself. Perhaps that needs clarifying in each person's profile.

I also notice that he gave himself away, by mentioning something you didn't tell him ; and presumably not admitting how he knew, which is the creepy part. He could have said, "I saw your name on FB / IG etc. and was wondering if it was OK to follow your account". Doing so anonymously, is creepy.

The difficulty with cuddling, is that the emotional connection can only be achieved, by sharing information that helps being found on the Internet.

MissAdventurous

💯 in agreement @littermate

Thank you guys, I have been thinking about this and I agree with @littermate to just ignore him. I will also remove my personal pics and hope that he will get bored of this eventually.
Again, thanks everybody for the advice!

cuddleanurse

Going to double check my social media followers real fast 🙈🤦🏼‍♀️ I agree ignore him. Any interaction seems to fuel the fire with these kind of people. Speaking from experience (not here though)

littermate

Best of luck! May you be left alone and may he return to the hole out of which he crawled. Wish him all the experiences he needs to learn not to mess with others.

Chris04

CUDDLERS should ask for valid ID. For me, I don't mind if I'm ask for it.

geoff1000

@Chris04
At what point in the process would you suggest ? First message, when arranging, when arriving ?

Valid ID is a double-edged sword, it proves who someone is, but it also makes them easier to trace ; which is the OP's problem. The issue isn't that the OP doesn't know who the client was ; it's that his behaviour was bad, but not over a legal threshold.

Maybe clients should be required to sign a contract which includes not searching for the pro on the Internet, or contacting them in ways outside the CC system etc. Pros could do the same.

Maybe some sort of Non-Disclosure Agreement, on both sides, as is implicit for a psychotherapy session ; which I'm sure some effectively are.

Mike403

@geoff1000 - Like @littermate mentioned, it's not illegal to search for someone on the internet. If they're not making threats, the police aren't gonna do anything. The only thing you can do if you don't want random strangers seeing your social media accounts is to check your privacy settings.

Like I mentioned the other day, some people might just be collecting social media friends and not have any ill intent. I got the pro I was seeing's name from a listed phone number she texted me from. I have caller-ID service which gives me the rest of their info rather than just the phone number. I didn't go looking for her on social media, but some guys might and not think that they are doing anything wrong.

geoff1000

@Mike403
Indeed. That's why I was thinking that some person-specific "don't do's" relating to social media would help. Some might think getting their name from their phone number isn't OK.

Others have said, "If you see me out and about, don't come up to me and say what a great cuddle we had recently", because family, friends, coworkers etc. might not know what they do.

CrossFitNLattes

@geoff1000 yup! that's 100% true. One told me, "I've never added a client on social media and don't plan to start now".

geoff1000

I guess the key point would be to ask beforehand if it's OK ; though if the information isn't offered, then it probably isn't OK to go looking for it.

This relates to the point which ( I think ) @littermate made ; if a girl wants a photo of your wedding tackle, she'll ask for one.

JulianaRose22

Has this person been banned from the site?

littermate

It's decent etiquette that if a cuddler doesn't offer you personal information or an invitation to expand the relationship into a personal connection, to leave their social media and all other personal stuff alone.

Mike403

@littermate - Back in 2010, I used to like adding people onto my social media which is how I became Facebook friends with the entire staff of a night club I was a regular of. I found them from a post a couple of them made on the club's Facebook page. I don't do that anymore since learning that it made some people feel uncomfortable.

Lev136

Overall, ignoring is the best thing to do as @littermate suggested. The thing is that sometimes people like this cannot be stopped. If they don't stop go to the police. If the person persists perhaps you can do something else about it.