@Mike403 That's true. Not every message that feels a little "off" is nefarious; in fact, most aren't. It's much more likely that the person isn't up to speed on social conventions, especially on a platonic site. I generally call these "yellow flags" rather than "danger, red flag!!"
We also get to choose who, when and why to give the benefit of the doubt to. Because that actually takes some energy... to monitor our internal spidey senses, engage kindly despite feeling our stomachs tense up, phrase things carefully so that we aren't giving off the wrong message, nor come across too cold, harshly or judgey, and continually re-assess our initial gut reaction. At any point along the way, we may decide there's been too many yellow/red flags or the time/energy isn't worth it.
Both MaullySterling and I took the time, energy and patience to respond to him here. He didn't read that advice; or he read it and disregarded it. After I told him publicly that he comes off overly familiar and a little creepy... he sent me a friend request. How would you read that?
@hawker69 ~ consideration goes both ways. If you haven't yet read it, please consider looking at my second to last post (8 entries above yours) and work on some understanding of someone else's potential realities.
@sunnysideup ~ Yeah that whole "beauty" bit is a real bummer!
Though I've seen some doozy profile pics!! Where I've thought, "Did he take this after a night of binge drinking, just after being released from the holding tank?" or "Is he trying to go for a deranged lunatic look?" Seriously! ~ Why would one select a pic that screams, "Warning!!" then use it for their profile (eesh! Or in with their "can we cuddle" greeting).
IDK, for me, if they can't make themselves seem approachable in their photo, they'll need to heavily compensate in other ways/knock it out of the park with their forum interactions, their profile &/or in their messaging.
Simple, If they don’t reply, move to the next one!
Wow! @jay221 you are the luckiest man in the world right now because TWO people you messaged are giving you advice in the forum.
So now we have a bit more information. I said in my first reply on this thread
As long as you are writing friendly, polite, platonic messages do not take it personally.
Well, your messages appear to have been neither friendly nor polite.
"Whereabts in toronto ru?" uses textspeak abbreviations. This isn't a phone app, it's a website. And cuddling is very personal. Using textspeak in this context isn't merely inappropriate: it just yells 'I am a loser'. Don't use textspeak on a website again. And never use textspeak to a stranger in any context. Ever. Not even once. 😉
Following the lead of my esteemed forum colleagues, I'm going to add some more advice. Here are two messages that I sent to enthusiasts that both led to something good. I'm not suggesting that they are especially good, and I'm certainly not suggesting you copy them - you must find your own way. I'm just showing them as example of messages which not only elicited a reply but a long conversation. Note that I have sent messages in a similar style many times without a reply. I haven't counted up my reply rate but it's under 5%.
Hi [name] Your profile mentions [a nice thing]: a greatly underrated way of connecting, almost nobody talks about it. It seems you really understand what cuddling is about, and I would be very happy to hear from you. Duncan
Hi [name]
Your profile mentions [a nice thing]: a greatly underrated way of connecting, almost nobody talks about it. It seems you really understand what cuddling is about, and I would be very happy to hear from you.
Duncan
+++
Hi [name] And the prize for the best profile photo goes to .... [happy and mildly amusing remark about an interesting feature of the photo] :-) Anyway, welcome to the cuddling world. Don't be put off by the idiots, there are nice people here as well. Duncan
And the prize for the best profile photo goes to .... [happy and mildly amusing remark about an interesting feature of the photo] :-)
Anyway, welcome to the cuddling world. Don't be put off by the idiots, there are nice people here as well.
A later message, that did lead eventually to a cuddle:
Well, you seem nice and you have a sense of humour. Would you like to talk about meeting up sometime? Either for a cuddle or just for a first chat.
Notice what I'm saying here. "Would you be willing to TALK ABOUT meeting for coffee with me. If that goes well, perhaps we could actually meet for the coffee. Or, if you are comfortable with me, we can skip ahead a couple of steps and make some cuddle plans." This makes it easy for the person to say things like, "Well, I like to do a video call first". Which many people do. A cuddle is many steps ahead of a couple of messages - don't jump the gun.
Asking somebody any personal question in the first message or two is what creeps do. (Their location is particularly dodgy.) I'm not suggesting that you are one (we all think you're probably not, since we're helping you). But sadly women receive so many messages from creeps that you have to think, what would a creep do? And then make sure that you don't do it. As @Mike403 said you may mean it only as an ice-breaker. That's fine in itself, but it ignores the wider social context.
@MaullySterling is not giving you the benefit of the doubt on that location question because she has been through the mill too many times. Obfuscation of location is a classic creep trick. Again, don't take it personally! Pay close attention to her advice, it is excellent. As is @xelda's.
Always remember that no one is going to reply to you unless they respect the message you have written.
@hawker69 you are new here, so ... Welcome! You are of course right as a general principle, but it is extremely common for people not to reply on this website and it is emphatically not evidence that they are being inconsiderate. Wander around the forums a little and you'll soon pick up the whole story.
@hawker69 many people also consider it a red flag when people start raging when someone doesnt respond to them
@pmvines - Right? It comes off as being needy which is an unattractive trait. I try to tell people to find some hobbies they enjoy and send a message to someone they are interested in and go do other things and not be obsessed about receiving a response.
@Mike403 You aren't a woman. Never needed to be hyper aware of your surroundings, or who knows where you live, just for basic survival.
I live in a city where 1 female between 6 and 45 disappears, never to be found again, every single week.
It IS a red flag, as an opener, unrelated to anything else in the conversation, for someone who absolutely does NOT host.
@MaullySterling - That's why I said you don't have to respond. @xelda has it correct that it may be more of a yellow flag. Like I said, some guys may not understand that it the question makes women uncomfortable and may be trying to use it as an ice breaker.
@CuddleDuncan, you're spot on! Thanks for writing out this summary
@jay221, I responded to your message (I do try to respond to everyone), but since you're looking for feedback, I want to hop on the bandwagon with @MaullySterling and @xelda. You sent me the following:
Hey how u doing. Hows lockdown treating u
It's not creepy, just a bit impersonal, but... I made it pretty clear in my profile that I'm only interested in connecting with women and lgbt+ folks. So I have to agree with those who have suggested that it might help to read people's profiles before you message them.
@Mike403 My life, my call, and I'm saying it's a red flag. Go ahead. Keep telling me I'm wrong, about my life, my experience, and that you know better
To repeat what many others have said, if you want a response, READ THEIR PROFILE!!!
For example, I have it clearly written on my profile...
To book a session, please send me:
Sending this information saves a lot of time. Otherwise, it ends up going back and forth like an interview, wasting my time. And a lot of guys end up realizing that they no longer want to cuddle if they have to wear a mask. Again, a huge time waster.
If I feel like you're going to waste my time, I either won't respond or I'll simply ask, "Have you read my profile?"
IDK ~ I've had people ask what part of Portland I'm in and I just see it as a "getting to know you"/potential for something in common/having further dialog type of question.
"Where are you from?" Is answered in your profile. So skipping to the next likely follow-up, "Oh, cool your from ___. What part?" doesn't seem unreasonable.
For those who list themselves as "host" being asked this question makes even more sense - so one can start to wrap their head around potential travel times. But most cities are fairly spread out places. Some list themselves as it being where they are, when they actually may live 30+ miles outside the city limits, and it could be that in their experience, people who live in X part of town aren't going to want to deal with the headache of getting to Y part of town to meet up ~ or maybe they're really interested in you and in following up to your reply will offer a place in the middle to meet for coffee/in person...?
And like others have said, you don't have to tell them. You can skip right over answering it or tell them that you're not comfortable sharing general location details. No biggie.
@quixotic_life - right? Instantly calling it a red flag right off the bat just seems unfair to somebody who might just be trying to break the ice and don't know what else to ask. I've been there.
@bekah_cuddles Good advice, though I feel like this is VERY obvious? Haha. Then again you gals get the dumbest messages sent by some guys on here, I am baffled, truly baffled. At the same time, this advice doesn't really help with reaching out to enthusiast cuddlers because very rarely do enthusiast women put down specific preferences in their profile
@MaullySterling I don't mean to say that beauty is the end be all for all cuddlers, it just wasn't on the list and figured it should be on there since it is likely to be very important for many people
It is indeed your preference when to respond to anyone. No one on here owes anyone the time of day. I'm not a woman, but I understand why many women are hyper-alert about red flags. This whole meeting up with strangers thing is a lot riskier (in terms of physical danger) for you gals then it is for us guys for sure. It is just sad if some of my fellow guys are being ignored because they are perceived to be creepy when in reality they are nice people but their small talk game is not the best. Your safety is far more important than any rendezvous with a stranger, don't get me wrong, it's just a sad circumstance for all sides that haven't done wrong. I see in the forums that people want to connect with each other, and are quite frustrated; but there are all these various obstacles in the way.
And also Maully, that is a very scary statistic, these things are heartbreaking to hear. anyway you can move away from that area?
@xelda When an exchange with a woman fizzles out, I am almost never given a reason, so its very nice of you to respond, but I personally would prefer to be told why in PM rather than in the forum. If he added you as a friend without taking your advice it probably means he doesn't see anything wrong with the the way he is doing things on here, and I wouldn't reward that with a friending.
@sunnysideup One might think it's very obvious, but apparently it isn't. Most people who message me do not send me the information I request in my profile and usually make it very obvious they didn't read it. However, this issue is not unique to CC. I have this problem on other social media platforms as well.
@MaullySterling @sunnysideup - Right? If they insist after you tell them you are not comfortable answering that question, that's one thing, but it just seems kind of mean and judgmental to instantly consider them a creep. I'm autistic so my social skills aren't the best and I've said things in the past that unintentionally made somebody uncomfortable. I've even been called a creep for sitting alone at a night club(not staring at anyone). I didn't know there was an unwritten rule that you constantly had to be socializing with people.
"Why some cuddlers never reply to your email"
Because they hate you and everything you stand for.
I'm kidding. Unless that's actually the case, which I'm sure it is sometimes. It's probably best not to worry about these things, and to remember: nobody owes you anything.
@bekah_cuddles you do know the Covid vaccine is not available to anyone and everyone yet. Also how does one prove what protocols they’ve been taking or their comfort wearing mask other than just their word ? 🤷🏾♂️
Also how does one prove what protocols they’ve been taking or their comfort wearing mask other than just their word ?
You don't. Fortunately that doesn't matter.
Most people are more or less honest most of the time, and when pushed on the point will tell something close to the truth. The virulant anti-maskers will overreact to the questioning and reveal themselves.
Yes it is true that a determined shyster will get through. But there is never anything you can do to prevent that in any field. The purpose of screening and protocols and questions is to filter out the honest disagreers and the idiots. And true shysters are very rare.
>
Edit: The quotation above is obviously from a previous post in this thread. That post is part of a pattern of negativity and misogyny on this forum. It attempts to undermine and belittle a female professional's quite reasonable plan for dealing with covid. I have not named the parties because this is not personal: it's just one example amongst many. The author may not even be aware of these traits in his posting - they are frequently unconscious. However, it is not the first time, or the second, the author in question has demonstrated such sentiments.
(Note that the negativity and misogyny are distinct: for example some of my posts are met with an aggressively negative response.)
It's not that the post itself is particularly bad. You could say that these are perfectly reasonable questions, and in a sense they are. However, that's missing the point. If you don't get the point, you are part of the problem.
Sometimes, male contributers ask for evidence of negativity and misogyny. It's hard to dig through hundreds of posts to find such an example, so nobody ever does it. Here is one as it happens.
When I decide to respond, I look for some indication that they read my profile. I won't answer if they didn't. And I just can't muster up the enthusiasm to respond to every one liner like "Hey" or "What's up? or even "How's it going?"
I don't have the vim to engage in a conversation if there was no real effort put forth by the other party. I wish I did, but I don't. Gotta save those energy points, they're precious ~
Maybe it would be different if we had an IM interface, but it's emails. Greetings are nice, but since we can't exchange back and forth instantaneously, I'd prefer something more like "Hello, I see you're interested in blah blah blah and I was just reading an article about it" or something like that, you know?
Then one topic leads to another and so on and so forth ~
@CuddleDuncan Thank you for your comment. I frequently appreciate what you have to say.
@hugonehugall I do know the vaccine is not yet available to everyone. That was a recent update I made to my profile in case someone had received it, since I know a few who have and more will continue to. No one can prove what protocols they've been taking, but I appreciate hearing them nonetheless. You'd be surprised how often I can tell just by the attitude of someone's words whether they're true or not. Also, I can't imagine someone claiming they're comfortable wearing a mask during a session and then refusing to wear one once I show up. I require my travel fee to be paid ahead of time, so if we had that issue, I would simply turn around and leave and then report them to the site. It's never in someone's best interest to lie, especially on here.
I also don't appreciate your judgmental response to my requirements during this pandemic. Many pros are no longer offering services at all. I am doing my best to continue to provide a service to those in need while remaining as safe as I can.
@bekah_cuddles wasn’t being judgmental , I was just asking a question. Which you answered