Approaching an “IRL” friend for cuddles

HugAnEwokHugAnEwok
in General

Have any of you ever made a cuddle buddy whom you didn’t meet on here? I’m talking about either a platonic friend you already had, and/or an acquaintance you just met in person. I like this site because everyone is here for the same reason, so it doesn’t feel weird asking someone for cuddles.

However, I have trouble finding non-professionals on here near me who ever respond. Don’t get me wrong, my pro is amazing, but she’s also expensive, so I can only hire her a couple times a year for special occasions. I’ve just been thinking about making an existing platonic friend into a cuddle buddy. I just feel like that could potentially make things REALLY awkward and ruin the friendship. I do have a friend (we aren’t super close but we’re friendly with each other) who is also my massage therapist, whom I’ve thought about asking. She comes to mind because she’s very affectionate, obviously because she’s a massage therapist, and she’s also a dancer (we have danced together several times, often in close embrace). But like I said, I’d hate to ruin our friendship by making such a taboo request.

Has anyone here ever done this? If so, how did you avoid making things awkward?

Comments

  • Siberian76Siberian76

    If so, how did you avoid making things awkward

    Well, by not making things awkward, really.

    We don't know her, her temperament, exactly what kind of relationship you two have, what kind of misconceptions you have about your standing and two dozen other things.

    You are clearly partially emotionally invested, from the tone of your writing.

    Generally, in real life, it's much easier to get a cuddle through dating. Lots of people around here went through a lot of work to get 3 cuddles and then nothing, just ghosted. It would literally be much less work to get that from standard dating ...

  • Siberian76Siberian76

    I’d hate to ruin our friendship by making such a taboo request.

    We don't see her reactions to you. We're not there.

    You and only you alone can read her non-verbal clues, her eyes, her signals. If you connect, it's easy. If you don't connect, then why bother with cuddling in the first place?

    Just be prepared to be sh*t-canned and loose the friendship if you misread the cues, obviously.

    Which is exactly why you shouldn't undergo this with women that are, for whatever reason, important to you.

  • quixotic_lifequixotic_life
    edited January 2021

    Nope. Never. But I might now that I have through here..... Good luck with figuring out how to proceed!

    addition ~ This is some of the best advice I've seen (just read through everyone's responses above and below). @xelda ~ Perfect!!

  • cuddles_ndreamcuddles_ndream

    You make good points @HugAnEwok ... you’re absolutely right, for us here this isn’t weird, we want it & seek it, & yes I see it as taboo as you mentioned outside of here because ive never in my life been with my circle of friends or with the guys & any of them mentioning, “bro I cuddled with the most amazing person “ or “I can’t wait to cuddle this weekend” lol ... & also ive never made a cuddle buddy outside here (assuming we’re talking about outside a relationship & strictly cuddle buddies...)

    It’ll be tricky to get a platonic friend to become a cuddle buddy without them thinking you want more unless you’re absolutely honest & put it out there that this is a thing & there’s a community that you’re a part of & just be totally open about it, show them, I would never just say “hey, wanna be my cuddle buddy”? I’ll just be open about it if that was the case but there’s so many things to consider - are they in a relationship/ do you both have mutual friends / would it bother you if they say no or would there be a chance the relationship may get ruined if either side happens to get attached?

    As far as your massage therapist, I honestly think she would be the best person to approach about it as of now, the only concern there is, are you guys friendly outside the massage therapy? Like do you hang out with her & dance outside the massage therapy? Reason I ask is because if your time of embrace with her is during a session, than that means you are paying for her time, so if you approach her about this & she says sure I think she would want or expect for you to pay for her cuddling time, & what I’m getting is that you’re not looking for a client - customer cuddling relationship you want pure platonic ...

  • xeldaxelda

    Yep! You can start by talking about this new interest you have, and gauge her general interest from that.

    Me: So, I joined this cuddle site.
    Friend: What's that?
    Me: Explain about platonic cuddling.
    Friend: That sounds creepy.
    Me: Really? I think it's awesome! Talk about why I think it's awesome.
    Friend # 1: Nope, not for me. I could never do that for reasons.
    Me: Yeah, I get it. It's a bit of stretch for most people in a culture where we can't imagine closeness without it meaning something more. (Validate, respect the gentle no that she's put out there, but still continue to educate to destroy those stupid stereotypes)

    Friend # 2: Huh. That does sound awesome. But... asks all their scary questions.
    Me: Be clear about what platonic cuddling is, what it means, what it doesn't mean, the benefits. Maybe make a low commitment invitation like: Would you like to try something really safe, like maybe watching TV while I have my arm around you, and you put your head on my shoulder?

    Don't go straight to being in bed all sweethearted and pretzelled up. That's pretty intense to start even for those of us who want that.

    It's a good idea for you to browse around on this site a bunch. Read faqs, posts, suggestions of all kinds to get solid on your own definitions, wants, willings and no's (ie: how to negotiate cuddles with clear consent). There are so many good resources.

  • mtpmtp

    Being part of the same dance community is a huge advantage! It means you both know that each other is generally on board with fairly intimate platonic touch, and that makes asking about cuddling considerably less risky. You might not even have to make special plans--a fair amount of cuddling has occurred at some of the dance events I've been to.

    BUT...if she is your professional massage therapist, that is reason for caution. Rules and laws vary by state/country, but it is possible she could get in big trouble if cuddling is mistaken for dating. https://sohnen-moe.com/articles/when-is-it-ok-to-date-clients/

    My ex and I met through blues dancing. For a while we were casual friends, only seeing each other at dance events. She noticed that I had signed up for a beginners' Thai massage workshop on Facebook, and "liked" that. I invited her to come with me. After that we regularly met to exchange massages, which later led to cuddles and dating. (Dating was mostly her idea, but I certainly didn't object!) And even though we are no longer dating, we have plans to resume cuddling after vaccination.

    My suggestion would be to pursue cuddles with a dancer who is not your massage therapist, once the pandemic is over and dance events can be held safely.

  • xeldaxelda
    edited January 2021

    Ah yes, @mtp makes good points about being cautious about who you approach based on the relationship you have. I'm talking about friends. You mention dancing with her, but do you have a friendship outside of that? Go for coffee, walks, hang out in any other way?

    Also partner dancing is an awesome way to get platonic touch and an oxytocin boost that is safe and culturally accepted! I miss salsa dancing💃🏼😢

  • MrPaulMrPaul

    You’ll never know unless you ask. Just be honest.

  • CuddleDuncanCuddleDuncan Mod
    edited January 2021

    I've never approached anyone on real life for cuddles, so I can't advise. However, I can say that the best approach for tricky questions is to get the other person to think it's their idea, and ask you. (Similar to upwards management in the workplace: bosses are much better at doing the right thing when they genuinely believe it's their own idea.) @xelda's advice is good, as is much of the rest of the advice here.

    I wouldn't ask anything during the first conversation though. I would just talk about it a few times first, let them get used to the idea.

  • Siberian76Siberian76

    @CuddleDuncan

    I wouldn't ask anything during the first conversation though.

    Why ? First conversation is certainly enough time to read the clues and you can get a pretty good guess whether you two click. You can get into some pretty steamy flirting even during a first coffee date in the middle of the day.
    Talking about hugging is, like, waaaaay down the list of innocent topics.

    I always bring up the intimacy / hugging during first conversation because it's important to me and it's an instant disqualifier if the response I get is shady. I'm not gonna wait till I get attached to the thing and only then find out - oh wait she's got intimacy issues. Observant humans must now have realized I got burnt in past on that :D
    Which - in retrospect- was a phenomenal experience, because it has helped me countless times since, in filtering out and not wasting my time, emotions and most importantly my soul.

    And while it's entirely possible that some will consciously deny that click, that's actually a good thing if that happens during first contact. Why would you want to waste your time on someone who is not honest with themselves [for whatever reason]?

    Life's too short for that bullsh*t [for me]. Next :)

  • sunnysideupsunnysideup

    @HuganEwok

    This is such a great idea. I've thought about doing this myself, but ended up not going through with it for fear of how it might damage the friendship.

    There's probably not going to be a perfect approach, but everyone here gave decent advice. Being as casual about it as possible is less likely to make the friend feel awkward (though she might be thrilled with the idea, we don't know her so we don't know how she will respond). I like @xelda advice particularly about bringing up that you joined a cuddle site to kind of gauge her initial reaction to it - I might try it myself! Brilliant.

  • CuddleDuncanCuddleDuncan Mod

    @Siberian76 we are having a very minor misunderstanding. I wasn't referring to the first conversation with a new person. I meant the first conversation about cuddling with somebody you already know.

    The OP was asking about turning a friend into a cuddle buddy. Some good advice was posted, and I was just adding a thought from my own experience. When you want somebody to do something, it is often a good idea not to ask for anything the first time you bring up the subject. Let them get used to the general idea over two or three conversations, and ask only once you know they are comfortable with it.

    With a new person the situation is, as you say, quite different.

  • Rocket_ManRocket_Man

    I am not sure of your approach but if you were that close and she is available i would guess you might already be cuddling. I would not just randomly blurt it out though. I do not think it is taboo to cuddle with close friends of whatever floats your boat and they are down too. Segue into it somehow if you get the chance to feel her out about it and go from there.

  • quixotic_lifequixotic_life

    Perhaps sometime when with your friend, if the convo turns a little heavy, you could just wistfully sigh, "I just wish I had someone I could cuddle with...You know?" And leave that hanging/see where the convo goes from there.

  • cuddles_ndreamcuddles_ndream

    @quixotic_life very simple & I think that could be very effective, nice suggestion!

  • HugAnEwokHugAnEwok

    Thanks for all the great advice, folks! I still haven't asked this specific friend, but I did find another friend whom I thought might be worth asking. She's also a dance friend, and I actually first met her at a cuddle party (back when those were a thing) before either she or I had joined the dance community.

    Anyway, since she was both part of the cuddle community and the dance community, I thought she'd be worth asking, so I asked her on a Facebook chat as casually as I could. She declined, but the rejection was very gracious, and I don't feel that it damaged the friendship at all. It was just a simple "no thanks." We still go to dance events together and dance together fairly regularly. She's currently dating someone else, but everything is still cool between us! :-) While I still haven't found a non-professional cuddle buddy, I'm really happy with and thankful for how smoothly that interaction went.

    Also, just to clarify to some people who are talking a lot about platonic cuddles in comparison to dating. I am single, and ideally, I would like to be dating someone, in which case she could be the only person I'd need for cuddles. However, since I've been having trouble in that field lately, finding a platonic cuddle buddy is the next best thing in the mean time IMO. Physical touch is one of my primary love languages, so not getting that touch, especially since dancing isn't a thing during this pandemic, is really taking its toll on me. Whenever I start my next relationship, I think I'll probably be fine.

    I still haven't asked my massage therapist about it, as I haven't seen her in a very long time, so I'm not sure if/when I'll ask her about it.

  • [Deleted User]CuddleMeLater (deleted user)

    ideally, I would like to be dating someone ... However, since I've been having trouble in that field lately , finding a platonic cuddle buddy is the next best thing in the mean time IMO

    I understand the impulse but IMO finding a platonic cuddle buddy is probably harder than dating.

  • cuddles_ndreamcuddles_ndream
    edited February 2021

    @HugAnEwok thanks for sharing with us & also for making yourself vulnerable with us all, really hoping you find that perfect person to complement you & share that love language you so desire (which we all do as well here)

  • HugAnEwokHugAnEwok

    @CuddleMeLater That's actually probably a good point! Both are hard to find, but at least I've managed to find two serious relationships in the past...yet I've never found a platonic cuddle buddy outside of the pros here.

    @cuddles_ndream Sending you a message now.

  • cuddles_ndreamcuddles_ndream

    Just got it

  • Jascuddleboo32Jascuddleboo32

    @HugAnEwok just ask her.
    Keep in mind to mention that it's a non-sexual, non-romantic, just platonic cuddling as friends. Also, be sure to mention how often you want it. I recommend trying for once or twice a month and be sure to set boundaries both of you can agree on. What will you be doing during the cuddle? TV? Music? Etc...
    I recently asked a good friend of mine and she said yes.
    Best of luck.

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