Host / guest designations

MaullySterlingMaullySterling
edited January 2021 in General

PSA requesting that IF you can HOST, please put it on your profile.

I will not host, (or go out of pocket for an airbnb, or whatever) so I specifically look for those that do, are capable, of hosting.

Many times now, started chatting with someone, build a rapport, then it comes out they don't live alone, or can't host, for other reasons, and by that time, it's a disappointment.

Just now, replied to someone cordially:

Hi, Richard.

I won't host, so not sure if there's a point to investing my time with you

And got this:

I can host but you sound like a very angry woman who is hypocritcal. after reading your profile you do not seem like you should be on this site . I am not going to message you anymore. Look in the mirror

That's what I get for replying to brand new profiles, with no pic or bio.

Sorry all, but I'm going back to selective responses, again.

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Comments

  • CuddleDuncanCuddleDuncan Mod

    Sorry to hear that @MaullySterling. His loss.

  • MaullySterlingMaullySterling

    And, cheers to the person that flagged my pic, because I wouldn't post "sexier pics, and more close up"

  • MaullySterlingMaullySterling

    Thanks, @CuddleDuncan

  • cuddlerforu24cuddlerforu24
    edited January 2021

    how about responding first with “ Can you host ?”

  • Cuddle_RNCuddle_RN

    Or put it in your profile, as in "Please do not message me if you cannot host". That's so rude what they said about your pictures!

  • MaullySterlingMaullySterling

    And if the only have "guest" on their profile, assume they lie?

  • MaullySterlingMaullySterling
    edited January 2021

    @woodRN Its a wild ride, here!
    Made the edit. Thanks.

  • Sheena123Sheena123

    I would have mentioned it nicely in the first message. Yours did come across a bit rude. I understand the frustration with people not reading your profile but it’s always a better choice to choose polite words as opposed to frustrated.

    “Hey Richard,

    I noticed on your profile, it only says guest and I can’t host. I’d like to get to know you but this might be a problem. What do you think?”

    That gets your point across better I think.

  • Mike403Mike403

    @MaullySterling - Cute horse.

  • MaullySterlingMaullySterling
    edited January 2021

    @Sheena123 Point taken.
    Last 10 yrs, working with production managers, lawyers and judges, I've learned to keep it real short, or you lose your audience.

    Professionally, it's appreciated.

    But then, they don't fear rejection by me.

    @Mike403 Thank you! My office, for 5 days in November.

  • [Deleted User]squeakytoy (deleted user)

    I would have mentioned it nicely in the first message. Yours did come across a bit rude. I understand the frustration with people not reading your profile but it’s always a better choice to choose polite words as opposed to frustrated.

    “Hey Richard,

    I noticed on your profile, it only says guest and I can’t host. I’d like to get to know you but this might be a problem. What do you think?”

    That gets your point across better I think.

    @Sheena123, oh hell no, girl! When a man writes an abusive message to a woman, it should never be our first impulse to tell her that she should have chosen her words better. Do you think that if even she were to fret over her tone, write and rewrite paragraphs, strive to meet a balance of 100% politeness and 100% precision at all times, and never slip up once, that even then, she'd be able to prevent these kind of messages? No. So please, let's not do this thing where we implicitly blame women for men's actions. :disappointed:

    Anyway, I'd rather correct the guy who wrote to her. So if you're reading this, dude:

    You could have said this nicely. It did come across a bit rude. I understand the frustration with people not wanting to meet up with you, but it's always a better choice to choose polite words as opposed to frustrated ones.

    "Hi @MaullySterling,

    I'm sorry to hear that. I understand and will not continue to message you. Goodbye."

    That gets your point across better, I think. :lol:

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel
    edited January 2021

    @squeakytoy 👍👍👍Absolutely on point. I have turned down women cuddlers (usually because of scheduling), but if it looks like a non-compatibility or communication issue I normally just write “I am sorry we couldn’t make this work. Unfortunately, I do not think we are a match. I wish you luck in your search.” Easy peasy. But you are right, you do not pacify entitlement or rudeness like what @MaullySterling encountered.

  • Sheena123Sheena123

    @squeakytoy I’m on your side about reacting if the guy was rude but from I read from her point, this Richard person hadn’t said anything rudely. She was just tired of people not having on their profile whether they can host or not, so she resorted to saying this paragraph : Hi, Richard.

    I won't host, so not sure if there's a point to investing my time with you

    to this Richard fellow that hadn’t said anything bad except probably a hello. This random dude seemed to get the blunt end of her frustration and he didn’t do anything until after her rudely written comment. I understand the frustration as I told her and if this person was rude right at the beginning, then yea, he doesn’t deserve anything cordial, but that didn’t seem to be the case. He was actually able to host (and yes it would have been easier if he had that on his profile, which is on him) but if she sent this guy (that wasn’t rude) a polite message merely explaining the predicament, it could have went differently. He would have said “oh I can host! Let’s talk more”. But her immediate message to him out of frustration showed a rude side that made him change his mind. But from what I read, he didn’t deserve that immediate reaction from her. She would have gotten what she wanted (someone to host) if she would have worded it differently. Does that make sense?

  • [Deleted User]squeakytoy (deleted user)

    @Sheena123, I don't see anything clarified here - the overall sentiment seems the same as before. This sums up what I have a problem with:

    if she sent this guy (that wasn’t rude) a polite message merely explaining the predicament, it could have went differently.

    Let me paraphrase this: "If she was just more polite to this guy who seemed nice at first but turned out to have a hair-trigger temper and such a lack of emotional maturity that he couldn't stop himself from making personal attacks at the first feelings of rejection, maybe this wouldn't have happened to her and she might have had a nice cuddle at his place instead."

    First: This is a huge assumption, and I don't think it's correct. If I were @MaullySterling, I would be grateful that Richard showed that part of his personality early on, before I had given him contact information, or worse, ended up alone in his home with him. I would consider it a bullet dodged.

    Second: If you're implying she caused his vitriolic response with her message (ie. "she was rude first, he was polite until she made him angry"), what you're doing is holding her accountable for both of their emotions and actions in this exchange. Richard is a grown man. Whether he encounters people in life who are rude or polite to him, there is nobody to blame but himself when it comes to his own actions and words.

    Third: For what it's worth, I didn't consider her message rude. At most, I thought it was straightforward and blunt, which (IMO) turned out to be a good thing because it helped unearth a potentially unsound cuddle buddy early on. But even if I had considered it rude, I wouldn't dream of using it to excuse Richard's response. There are cashiers who are polite to rude people all day. I've turned down guys politely in the past, after thinking long and hard about how to reject them as gently as possible, specifically to try and avoid this kind of response, and I still got horrible responses sometimes. (ironically, I tend to get better responses when I'm blunt, lol)

    In summary: I do still firmly believe that Richard was the only person who needed a correction in this exchange.

  • Mike403Mike403

    I agree with @squeakytoy. There are many guys who hide behind the "nice guy" disguise until they are rejected then their true colors come out. While @MaullySterling's message could have been more polite, it did not warrant the response she got. He could have just ceased contact and moved on.

  • Sheena123Sheena123

    Agree to disagree 🤷🏼‍♀️

  • [Deleted User]StLJim (deleted user)

    @MaullySterling I'm one of those people who see these situations as it taking only 1 person to create some bit of mis communication. The question can be argued which one, but I always train an eye on the reader or hearer. There little tantrum is usually reading/hearing, and reacting, to what doesn't exist. But it can also be solved by 2 people, and only 2, who are maybe surprised by the mis communication once the dust settles.

    Can I suggest you don't change what you're doing because of anything someone else does? Within reason. This wouldn't be one of those things for me. And sure, that's me.

    To the guy involved. You over reacted. Don't answer something that hits you wrong in kind. Don't do that. Answer it per your personality, and given your sensibilities you would have written kind, calm, info to move the conversation forward. So yeah, if you thought her words were rude then no, don't answer quickly. Just relax and wait a few hours, or till the next day. Answer texts and emails that hit you wrong with a bit of humor if you can find some. For example "I have cousins staying in the living room on the 31st thru the 3rd. Bring your own sleeping bag if you're taking your chances with them, or work around those dates if you wanted me for your cuddle buddy." At a minimum answer the question and maybe clarify the answer. And also you can ask if there might be other factors she'd want to review of lesser importance than hosting. Anything to get her to talk to you, and de-escalate the convo if only in your mind. So yeah, chill out, and be friendly. Always. Because that's who and how YOU are. Over the course of a few emails she'll come more into focus as an ill tempered crank, or as the normal, busy, kind person who actually needs a bit of hand holding, a hug, and some de-stressing. Get it? You missed the mark entirely.

  • [Deleted User]squeakytoy (deleted user)
    edited January 2021

    Thank you @StLJim and @Mike403 ! I think you're both right on the mark.

    And @Sheena123 , sure, we can agree to disagree. But if I see more problematic behavior that ultimately exhausts women and lets men get away with murder awful behavior, you can bet your tush I'll call you out on it! :lol:

  • Sheena123Sheena123

    @squeakytoy

    I really hope you aren’t insinuating that I’m fine with men committing murder.... I don’t condone men thinking women owe them something. I’m all for women standing their ground and making sure they are respected because there are a lot of creeps out there, but heaven forbid we stop immediately going to “all men are jerks”. I’m allowed to have my opinion on how people treat other people, and you are allowed to have your opinion as well, but I certainly won’t have someone thinking I’m fine with creepy, rude men being creepy, rude men. Let it be known though, I’m also not fine with men instantly being the evil one in situations. Yes, what he said after her comment was uncalled for. I’m not justifying that. This original comment was about what she said to him and why. I merely answered that part, not excusing his behaviour. I’m not “implicitly blaming women for men’s actions”. Thank you.. but it’s clear you and I see this differently so let’s once again, agree to disagree.

    I’d appreciate it though, if you would not make it sound like I’m fine with men “getting away with murder”. You don’t need to defend women’s rights against me. I’m well aware of how horrible men can be to women, and I’ve had my fair share of those kinds of men. I don’t appreciate you dropping me into some kind of category that makes me sound heartless to women’s issues. Respect me and actually understand where my thoughts were coming from. Don’t paraphrase and think I’m a bad guy because I see this differently. I, along with others, thought how she answered him, could have gone differently. I don’t know how me saying that suddenly turned into you thinking you have to defend women from me and comment “don’t listen to her, listen to me”. I basically said “say things nicely and better outcomes happen”. That’s all.

    Now here’s your chance to either privately message me to truly talk this through and come to an understanding or you can paraphrase everything I said to make me sound cold and uncaring. You do you boo...

  • Mike403Mike403

    Boo? Damn. @Sheena123 called you a ghost. J/k

  • Sheena123Sheena123

    @Mike403 lol!! 😂😂

  • [Deleted User]squeakytoy (deleted user)
    edited January 2021

    I basically said “say things nicely and better outcomes happen”. That’s all.

    I know that in psychology, this is considered a thinking error (the idea we can control other's thoughts and behavior by the way we act), but you have a right to your beliefs.

    Also, "Getting away with murder" is a colloquialism where I live, but if it bothers you and others, I'm happy to switch it to "getting away with awful behavior".

    I'm not sure how you drew the conclusion that roasting Richard for his own bad behavior, and saying that women should not be held accountable for the way men behave toward them implies "all men are jerks". That's a bit of a leap. Richard is certainly a jerk. Anyone, man or woman, who tries to blame someone else for their misbehavior is a jerk. But the sad reality is that women do get blamed a lot for men's behavior. I can be pedantic and say "not ALL men's behavior", if that's needed here. But I hope I don't have to spell it out to that extent.

    I don't see how what I said translates to " @Sheena123 is bad and cold and horrible etc". What I said is "You have some problematic beliefs, and this is an example of how they can harm women and let bad men off the hook too easily". I don't think you're a bad person at all. I thought your message to @MaullySterling was bad, and I think you have some harmful beliefs. That's it.

    As a side note, I'd much rather keep the conversation here. Several people have DM'd me since my first post to thank me for standing up for @MaullySterling . I'm glad people felt supported by it, and I think it's good to keep this sort of discussion in broad daylight.

  • [Deleted User]squeakytoy (deleted user)
    edited January 2021

    Boo? Damn. @Sheena123 called you a ghost. J/k

    I got git.

  • Mike403Mike403
    edited January 2021

    @Sheena123 @squeakytoy - What I saw from the OP's post is that she was just really blunt in her message, but was not insulting in any way. Richard went off saying that she seems like an angry person, does not belong on this site... etc... I don't pick favorites here. I disagreed with a point @MaullySterling made in the past, but this time I have to take her side.

  • CuddleDuncanCuddleDuncan Mod

    "getting away with murder" is a phrase where I'm from as well. It doesn't necessarily imply anything worse than ... a flatmate who never cleans up after themselves.

  • [Deleted User]squeakytoy (deleted user)

    @CuddleDuncan, exactly. Or maybe a child who is allowed to run around and bite people at the pool.

  • ImportanceImportance
    edited January 2021

    I hear you @squeakytoy and I understand the need to have these types of conversations in the light. I was one yesterday who messaged squeaky toy to give her my support on this specific matter. I completely agree with her perspective and I am so thankful she stepped in to give some assistance to @MaullySterling .

    And I thank everyone else who has also aided Maullysterling !

  • [Deleted User]tjalex (deleted user)

    I have something interesting to add after reading these posts. How many of us review our profiles from time to time? I just looked at mine and saw that mine said I could be a guest or public, but host wasn't checked! I guess it was an oversite on my part!

    For potential situations (such as myself) where the information might be out of date or in error, I like @Sheena123 very politely worded reply. I do understand some members might be swamped with requests and inquiries, but a few politely typed words might be appreciated. If the other person does not reply in kind, at least you have the satisfaction of taken the high ground! Treat everyone with kindness and respect. You might not can change the world, but you can change your little piece of it for the better.

    Finally, a word to us all...check your profile periodically. You might be surprised to find your own information might need to be updated as well. :astonished:

  • ImportanceImportance
    edited January 2021

    That is the point we are making here, good sir, Maullysterling was not impolite. She was direct.

  • MaullySterlingMaullySterling
    edited January 2021

    Thank you all, for commenting.
    And all the private msgs!

    @Sheena123 You assumed, without hearing his opening msg to me. You gave him the benefit of the doubt, and called me rude, for it.

    The status quo has women doing the emotional labour, I'm not here to molly-coddle grown ups who should know better. If a man said my words, you'd call it brusque, not rude.

    His response? Definitely a hair trigger.
    If this was a workplace, id have HR suggest he get counselling, or have someone speak as proxy, for him, cuz he just got himself banned from my space / dept.

    I don't gift wrap myself for ppl, generally, and certainly not, if I think the imbalance of power will come back to bite me in the butt. (Acquiesce, slightly, and they start pushing boundaries)

    I mean, I'm not one of those women that creates a facade to please and placate men. You know the type, their voice goes up an octave, they act real girly when there's a man in the room. Some guys like it, I think it's gross, and the guys I like are more impressed with my target practice expertise, than how I can twirl my hair.

    Talent and experience over appearance.
    Always.

    I hung out with the guys, at school, built the bonfires we had on the valley, played tag, while the girls gossiped and preened.

    As an adult, the women I keep close, are rebels and activists. They are entrepreneurs, artists, landscapers, painters, business owners and management types, usually carving out new niches for themselves, rather than stepping into an allotted role.

    About his opening msg to me. It was fairly brief, and used 2 distinct phrases directly from a previous conversation, with another profile, that had become more aggressive and sexual (tried to book time with me, instead of have conversation, told me I was sexy, and to put more / better pics of my body on my page). The previous profile, I blocked and, if i remember right, reported. This new correspondence was from a profile opened in January 2021, maybe hours old, with no real bio. My belief was it was the same person, getting around me blocking them, but I tried to stay open minded, anyway.

    @squeakytoy Yes, I do appreciate when they out themselves. Saves time, and effort.

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