This video can help answer so many questions in regards to sexual arousal and feeling violated.
@TisDoney
Thank you for posting this.
Thank you so much for this posting. I'm definitely going to share it. I hope it makes it into the law schools. Now, getting back to our context, it makes me feel a lot less guilty when responses happen during cuddling, or while giving/receiving a massage. My question is . . . what do/should people do when this happens during a session? Do you apologize and change positions? Ignore it? Act like it never happened and don't speak of it?
@pmvines - This thread is waiting for you!
When you're in your sixties, no arousal is unwanted. Just saying.
It's what you do with it that counts
This was a great and thought provoking talk. I'm in love with the analogies she used. It makes consent and arousal an easier concept to understand.
Can't tag due to being on my phone right now... But I think the question of what one should do can be answered by simply making others aware of metacommunication. Teaching others to be unafraid to say, hey, I'm feeling aroused... Removing the shame from honest communication. Learning to interpret body language for those who aren't such overt speakers.
I will never shame someone for being accidentally aroused. Luckily at my school here in Canada we were taught in sex ed that physiological responses are just that, and do not equal consent when the verbal communication is contrary. Many victims of rape after all may have hardness or wetness when their mind and their words are clearly screaming no.
Where I will begin to judge is when arousal occurs, the communication in response is contrary, and that aroused person intends to tell me how I feel or that they are entitled to relief in my presence. No one needs to feel shame towards a natural response... But they should feel ashamed of making others unwillingly participate or feel guilty and confused for not wanting to, aka gaslighting.
We talk about what's going on in the moment. We talk about how it makes us feel. We say no and decide this will not turn sexual. If there is agreement, we switch and refocus. If there is disagreement, we part.
So simple. Communication is not achieved until it is understood. So be wary, and choose those you can communicate with openly and honestly without fear of judgment or abuse.
@BlueIris Well you know what I say, a forum just isn't a forum without at least 40 boner threads....Now where is that what is happening to my body book that they gave me in 6th grade sex ed?
What about both the client and the cuddliest acknowledge it, change position, take a break if needed and get to cuddling. Clients can't act on it which is understandable. This is from a lot of code of conducts. As long as the cuddliest is good it what she does there shouldn't be any judgment or abuse.
@pmvines If you find the book please let me borrow it. I have been looking for the answer to that for years upon years.
It is the million dollar question indeed
I wish I was poorly endowed so I wouldn’t have to worry about this ruining a cuddling session.
If arousal happens in one of my cuddle sessions, you will know I took a pill 2 hours ago or we both better head to the casino or lottery office cause I’m on a roll.
I love TED talks. This was an especially good one. Thanks for sharing, @TisDoney!
It's everything I've been trying to say on every boner thread I've participated in, all wrapped up in fifteen short minutes. What your body does (or doesn't do) isn't always what you want. Strikingly uncooperative, the human body. Best to pay attention to what people say, not to what their bits are doing (or not doing).
I can't believe I'm saying this but I am with @Esquire on this one. As a fifty year old man who has been practically chemically castrated (not to put too fine a point on it) by the notorious libido reducing effects of antidepressants having an erection, under any circumstances, would simply reassure me that I was still alive. Plus I believe masseuses and medical personal regular encounter this autonomic physiological response, without making it a gender political issue?
I don’t know, i haven’t experienced spontaneous random arousal all in a long time. It usually takes some focus and work, shucks I’m missing out.
So that old joke "Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?" is based on a fallacy and we should change it to "Is that a banana in your pocket or are you experiencing arousal non-concordance?".
After watching that video I am surprised to see people make money explaining common sense.
Strike that, in this day and age it makes perfect sense to address that which is in short supply.
When cuddling arousal is a perfectly natural physical response to human touch. It happens to me all the time and we don't need to talk about it, and there is no inappropriate touching involved. It is not a willing, purposeful response or act, it is only nature doing what it does. I don't make it known, and I don't do any kind of grinding or anything of that nature. I have had cuddle partners who noticed and took it as a compliment, and others who just completely ignored it and we still had a lovely, respectful time.
@Guardner Yes, that is exactly what happened in my last film.
"Never complain, never explain."
---Benjamin Disraeli
This unwanted arousal thread went limp fast. That should make the phallophobes happy.
Everytime my alarm wakes me early for work...that's unwanted arousal!
It's interesting to me that I have heard one male pro and several female pros say it's perfectly natural for a man to get an erection during a cuddle, but the male pro (see part 1 and 2 videos below) focused on the perfect naturalness of the clients' erections, not his own. What about a male pro's (or co-enthusiast/non-client's) erection, I wonder. Should a man explain ahead of time that he might get an erection if he is the big spoon but it won't imply sexual intention and will simply be a physical reaction? Does he ask the client when he gets an erection if they want to change positions? Does he say "I make it my practice to put a pillow between me and the client when I'm the big spoon"? I'm sure there are many ways to deal with this, other than what @Guardner and others have said. I mean, is a pro censured for it since he is being paid? Like would female clients think to themselves "What, am I paying him to get a boner? How unprofessional of him!" Would a male pro who gets erections get bad reviews? Or maybe good ones? Just kidding. A little levity. Speaking of levity, it reminds me of the joke:
Doctor: It is perfectly natural to get an erection during a prostate exam. Patient: But I don't have an— Doctor: I do.
maybe I’m wrong and I don’t know how humans work. but for there to be physical signs of arousal, doesn’t the person have to be focused on and thinking about physical intimacy beyond the scope of platonic touch? I don’t think there is such a thing as unwanted arousal as far as the client goes.
@sage_wisdom There is .... it’s a physical reaction, not to go into too much detail but every person has erogenous zones on their body sometimes in non sexual and benign places that when touched even in a non sexual way can create that reaction.
@sage_wisdom , no - it can be like tickling, where even if you don't want to laugh and don't find anything funny, you might laugh anyway if someone tickles you. Sometimes bodies just respond to stuff.
As the speaker in the Ted Talk said, a man can get an erection without liking or wanting sex. And it takes education to unlearn the "learning" that has associated arousal with desire.
I've gotten erections from pets walking around on my lap. It's just from pressure on the organ, no thoughts of sex! 🤣
@hugonehugall @squeakytoy when you put it that way..... I suppose perhaps I’m maybe a bit jaded from some of my past clients violating boundaries and rules.
Oh no, now I'm just sad. I'm really sorry that happened to you, @sage_wisdom .
@squeakytoy oh no it’s okay. it’s just a reality of cuddling professionally. but I appreciate your compassion.
