Feelings and communication

[Deleted User]Handsomewheels (deleted user)
in General

Does anybody ever pour their heart out in a response to someone whether it be angry or sad, send it, then delete it, and make up a whole new response that doesn't come anywhere close to how you felt in the first response to avoid a fight or any drama?

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Comments

  • JasonCuddlesJasonCuddles

    I used to be more volatile, but I didn't like that about myself so I fixed it.

  • cuddlerforu24cuddlerforu24
    edited February 2021

    Have you ever read just a period. For a posting and clocked in as edited

  • [Deleted User]Handsomewheels (deleted user)

    @JasonCuddles I feel you homie. I just dealt with this today and I hate that I did it.

  • [Deleted User]Handsomewheels (deleted user)

    @cuddlerforu24 I'm not sure what you're talking about?

  • ChefKateChefKate

    @Handsomewheels if I'm understanding you correctly, you're referencing an initial response to something and then almost extreme modification of that response?

    I'd like to share a few things I have learned through many years of therapy. You have every right to feel what you're feeling. It is real and nobody can tell you that it is a wrong feeling. Your initial (most likely emotional because that's the type of beings we are) thoughts and feelings are valid, but may not be your full truth. Those come from your lizard brain which is the part that keeps you alive in fight, flight, freeze situations. It is good to have but not necessarily so great for keeping relationships afloat. What you DO about the feeling is essentially what matters in interpersonal relationships. [Big one here... you have no control over what others do.] So if you write out an initial response, take a few minutes to walk around the block or go get a snack and think about IF you want to send it. If you still do, then send it. If you want to modify or completely change it, do that. That could help with needing to change your response to the other extreme to keep from having any conflict arise.

    It's ok to decide that you don't want a close relationship with someone, or to create boundaries in order to be able to have a successful relationship. They don't necessarily need to know the details of how you plan to interact with them. But I find it's generally a good idea to let them know you want or need to change some aspects. I've been on both sides of this and am much more comfortable when I understand what it's going on. Adding in why is helpful to me, but not obligatory. Their job in this situation is to decide if they want to continue the relationship with the modifications. Note that they have every right to not accept the changes so be prepared to walk away.

    As cheesy as it sounds, you gotta live your own truth. That truth can be difficult and painful to get to, but it's very freeing in the long run.

    It's ok to whine, complain, cry, rant, etc that this isn't fair. It isn't. It can totally suck. But once you know who you are (and I have no idea who the hell I am, but I'm trying to act like the person I want to be), you'll be saving so much energy on not having to respond and retract, on second and third guessing, on worrying about potential adverse reactions, that you'll have tine and energy to enjoy your life. I'm just starting to see this happen for myself.

    None of this makes you a bad person or selfish. If anything, it not only helps you, but it also is less stress on the people around you.

    And finally, I'm not a medical professional nor do I have any background in psychology. How I understand things might not work for anyone else. (My own personal belief) Everyone should go to therapy if only to have someone who is supposed to listen and support you without any thought of how they fit into your life.

    I have spoken.

  • [Deleted User]Handsomewheels (deleted user)

    @ChefKate my apologies for not even knowing where to begin with your beautiful response. Just from reading that I feel a bit better knowing it's not just me that does this kind of crap, so thank you truly. I wish I could've responded better to you, I'm sorry.

  • [Deleted User]DeadGirlWalking (deleted user)

    I edit stuff all the time, because I'm worried that my emotions are clouding my rationality and that I'm going to say things I (or the other person) will regret.

    A lot of the time I just don't reply to things because I don't know how to moderate my emotions in that situation.

  • ChefKateChefKate
    edited February 2021

    @Handsomewheels you might feel better knowing that if we were face to face there would be absolutely NO WAY I could have made that response verbally, lol. Writing allows me to look up specific words (thesaurus.com is a favorite resource) to say what I want. It allows me to come back from tangents and to remember what I said, which is almost impossible when talking face to face. Editing is my friend.

    So while I understand you may feel the need to apologize, I do not accept it because there is nothing to be sorry about.

    You are not alone as I am always weird with you. 😺

  • [Deleted User]Handsomewheels (deleted user)

    @BuggleBear I swing from every emotion possible in just a fraction of a second it feels like, so I understand what you mean.

  • [Deleted User]Handsomewheels (deleted user)

    @ChefKate thank you for understanding lol. Had I been face to face I probably could've responded better, lol. Good, I need weird people alike with me.

  • CuddleDuncanCuddleDuncan Mod

    @Handsomewheels yeah that's totally normal. Practically everybody does that at least occasionally.

  • [Deleted User]Handsomewheels (deleted user)

    @CuddleDuncan yeah, it just drives me nuts because I don't want to do it.

  • CuddleDuncanCuddleDuncan Mod

    Fair enough. What do you want to do?

  • ChefKateChefKate

    @Handsomewheels have you looked into being tested for mental illnesses?

    I'm not judging, and will gladly explain all my mental illnesses to ther point of tmi. But hearing that you struggle with many different emotions as well as quick changes in them makes me wonder if there might be a brain chemistry imbalance.

    Btw, the only reasons I'm able to focus long enough to put a response together is my meds and therapy. I'm actually in the process of being admitted to an intensive outpatient psych program right now.

  • [Deleted User]Handsomewheels (deleted user)

    @CuddleDuncan I want to respond how I want to respond and not fear that I will lose people over it.

  • [Deleted User]Handsomewheels (deleted user)

    @ChefKate I have not but I'm definitely not opposed to it at all. I think you might be right with the imbalance.

  • [Deleted User]Handsomewheels (deleted user)

    @ChefKate maybe I need that program as well.

  • ChefKateChefKate

    @Handsomewheels I know you were responding to cuddleduncan, but I have to say I completely understand when you say you don't want to have to fear the loss of people.

    It might be hard to hear this, and it still is for me, but if you are you and they leave, do you want them there in the first place?

    I'm dealing with this very issue with my husband of 23 years who filed for divorce a month ago... which just happened to be a week after I trained his full time caregivers and gave up all my caregiving hours in order to be able to work on myself mentally and physically. And that was after 7.5 years of fighting for his SSDI, being his advocate, and keeping him alive. He's my best friend, my home. I will always love him and right now I want to reconcile. But I have to realize that he may not. And it hurts like hell.

  • CuddleDuncanCuddleDuncan Mod
    edited February 2021

    filed for divorce a month ago... which just happened to be a week after I trained his full time caregivers

    @ChefKate, ouch. I feel that pain. My partner announced her final decision to leave (the conversation had been going on for a long time) a week after she got her passport.

    @Handsomewheels I want to continue that line of conversation but I don't have time right now.

  • [Deleted User]Handsomewheels (deleted user)

    @ChefKate you're are right. I shouldn't have to have that fear. I'm sorry to hear about your divorce 😔 and all that. I've been there and it truly sucks.

  • [Deleted User]Handsomewheels (deleted user)

    @CuddleDuncan fair enough 😊

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    What you don’t want is to act on emotion, kill someone out of anger, then find out there isn’t a cosmic edit button. So your sins in print are quite minuscule in light of how bad it could be.

    —BTK

  • [Deleted User]Handsomewheels (deleted user)

    @FunCartel Yeah, controlling my emotions is a difficult task for me I must say.

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    @Handsomewheels Don’t fret, everyone has had problems managing emotions at some point. Anyone who says they haven’t is not human and devoid of emotions or is lying their ass off.

  • [Deleted User]Handsomewheels (deleted user)

    @FunCartel I wholeheartedly agree.

  • [Deleted User]DeadGirlWalking (deleted user)

    I have trouble managing my emotions, as @CuddleDuncan will attest to.

  • ChefKateChefKate

    @FunCartel preach, my sibling from a different union of two people.

    @BuggleBear trouble managing emotions can suck a big bag of ghb (ROFL, was going to type dildos but my phone slightly dropped and my stylus put together ghb and I thought it was perfect). If not being able to manage them it is something that is affecting you on a regular basis, and/or isolating you, you might want to look into mental illness testing, too.

    I can't ever express how much weight was lifted off me when I found out that there were actual medical reasons I couldn't adult!!! Not only was it currently beyond my control, but there were different meds which could help my brain chemistry get closer to everyone else's, and therapy was available to help provide support and strategies to be able to understand, survive, and even thrive in everyday situations!

    Now it may seem like I'm trying to get everyone on drugs. I'm not. I'm just saying they're a tool that's out there and has had some success in helping others who might be suffering like you (the generic you, not specific to @BuggleBear ).

    I have spoken.

  • littermatelittermate

    @CHefKate you sure have! Keep it coming with that wise humble thing you do. <3

  • ChefKateChefKate

    @littermate that's it! I'm adopting you! 🐈

    Honestly I'm not sure it's wise or humble... whatever it is I do. I just basically write train of thought, own my issues and shortcomings, and edit before posting.

  • littermatelittermate

    @ChefKate okay. Arf!

    Exactly. You just did it again: "I'm not sure it's wise or humble..." (that's wise and humble) and "Own my own issues and shortcomings" and "edit before posting." Breaking serious ground here on the forum.

    And the "I have spoken" goes with every outfit IMO.

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