Anyone have a significant other who just doesn't get it?

SnugDealerSnugDealer
in General

Recently dealing with a lot of misunderstandings and misconceptions from my significant other lately in regards to my cuddling gigs..doesn't seem like he seems to approve. I'm almost certain that this is just due to self consciousness and fear that this could be a threat to our relationships well-being 😕 anyone else dealing with insecure anxiety from loved ones?? If so how did you navigate successfully?

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Comments

  • [Deleted User]Spock (deleted user)

    I would think that you being a Pro would make it easier for him to understand. I mean, if I was a client seeing a Pro regularly, my significant other could legitimately fear that I was getting too attached to my cuddler.

    What could your SO possibly be scared of? That you are falling in love with all of your clients? Since you are in a close relationship, he must know that you wouldn’t cheat on him. Maybe he just doesn’t like the idea of you being physically affectionate with other men. What else could it be?

    Unless we know what his objections are, it is hard to say anything useful. Good luck.

  • UKGuyUKGuy

    I don't have a significant other but none of the significant others I've had in the past would have tolerated me cuddling another woman. Most did not even like me talking to another woman on the phone. So I don't think your significant other's reaction is unusual. Did you discuss this issue beforehand?

  • OhioMikeOhioMike

    @UKGuy and myself have been on this subject before here. Maybe it’s a generation thing but I’m in same boat. When I was married there would be no chance of me being here.

  • Maverick07Maverick07

    Being just an enthusiast, I wouldn't seek a person to cuddle if I was on a relationship since I'd never be with someone that doesn't value affection.
    I've also been in situations such as described by @UKGuy , although I can imagine my partner not having a sense of humor about my being so physically close to someone else.
    Well, I guess I'm getting married again for sure :lol:

  • CatloafCatloaf
    edited May 2021

    If he is not used to you sharing close physical space with another person, especially with the opposite sex, then that is a natural feeling. One approach you could try is showing him the various well-known resources given by established pros on professional cuddling and what it actually is. Cuddle Sanctuary, Keeley Shoup on YouTube, and Janet Trevino are good examples that I looked up to when forming my “brand”, and helping my ex understand what it was that I wanted to get into.

    Offering a “show and tell” like you used to do in school would be my approach. That said, I believe I had success because our relationship was open for a number of years out of the 9 that we spent together. If he is not used to other people having intimate access to you (and keep in mind cuddling is one of the highest levels of intimacy, both physically and emotionally), expect this to take time. Be gentle with it. Don’t be afraid to seek out a pro for both of you who can help you mediate and help him understand that it’s not what he thinks it is, and he can let go of the insecurity if he is willing to work on it.

    No one knows your relationship better than you do. So take care, communicate, and once again be gentle.

    My partner and I didn’t split last year because of my being a pro, in case that’s what anyone’s wondering. His family is of an orthodox faith and they absolutely hated me. He still went to bat for me against them as much as he could over those 9 years. In his culture, family comes first often to the point of enmeshment, and his family was not willing to accept me for who I was. We still remain great friends.

  • stormofgracestormofgrace

    I'm not in a relationship currently. I will also be seeking out a partner who is like minded when it comes to physical affection as @Maverick07 has stated as I do not want to be partnered with someone who is not able to be affectionate (been there, done that, got the divorce.)

    I think communication and trust have to be in place in order for your partner to understand. As an enthusiast, I would not feel comfortable cuddling with someone "discreetly" who's partner is not aware of what is going.

    Maybe I'm evolved or mature or naive but I believe honest communication and trust must be part of all healthy relationships. Unless there is a reason for mistrust (for example, a past indiscretion), then it seems your partner is insecure. It may be beneficial to have an honest conversation about this issue.

    A discussion of boundaries and making space to share openly is important. I have several friends that are polyamorous and I admire their commitment to honest communication.

    My (unsolicited) thoughts ...

  • CallMeMikeyCallMeMikey

    My pain management doctor recommended some form of touch therapy when I first got sick with Pancreatitis and IBS. My wife and I talked about it and she was cool with it. It'll be ten years of cuddling this summer. We've been married fifteen years.

  • MrPaulMrPaul

    Communication is so vital. Have open and honest conversations about expectations for your relationship and look at things from each other’s point of view. You each should support and accept each other, and feel supported and accepted - so work toward that goal.

    It won’t be easy to have these talks, so work on developing the courage to bring the issues into the light, your relationship can grow stronger through this work.

  • [Deleted User]squeakytoy (deleted user)

    I hear you, @stormofgrace ! I realize that people look for different things in a partner, but I can't imagine getting into another relationship with someone who doesn't value physical affection like I do (also been there, done that, got the divorce). For me, that would kill any chance of a relationship before it even started.

  • [Deleted User]Chris55555 (deleted user)

    Because my SO has a primary love language of touch this has been a long hard road for him to get used to it. We discussed it in couples counseling over a few months and the doctor was able to ask all the right questions so he was able to process and understand. I’m really glad he came on-board. It validates a part of me that needs platonic intimacy with many people.

  • StefanOswaldStefanOswald

    I'm quite open about it and haven't had too many problems. At the beginning of my cuddle career, a woman I was dating asked me to pause and only share my cuddles with her. I obliged. She then asked that I stop communicating with females, including my sisters. Her jealousy issues split us apart.

    I've been in 3 serious relationships since then and learned much from each one. It's important to share what it means to you and express how important physical connection is.
    They weren't upset with me sharing magic tricks with strangers. My intention with cuddling is very similar to performing magic. It is to make people feel joy and spread as many smiles per hour as possible. My ex-girlfriend's understood. One of them even started cuddling as a pro herself!

    But yeah, jealousy and guilt are two very real emotions that need to be handled with care. Try to understand and overcome those emotions without feeding them and letting them grow.
    Clear communication is best.

  • cuddleaddictcuddleaddict

    I'm lucky. Long term marriage, soulmate understands my need for additional human contact in form of a cuddle buddy. Her own best friend is a guy we've known for years with 2 grown kids. They often meet & text regularly.

  • pmvinespmvines

    I hear a lot of people on here blame their SO when it is an issues . Like it's all on them if they have a problem with it and they are the selfish ones . But I feel like if you engage in something that you know is upsetting to the person and then become resentful and blame them for it, then you the one who is being selfish . There needs to be communication, compromise , and consideration of the other person when in a relationship. People are all the time saying well it's no different than a massage, or chiropractor, or insert other modality here . It simply isn't the same though. You dont invite your massage therapist or chiropractor to a hotel room to rub each other in bed in sleepwear. It is irrational to think there is no reason for a SO to not feel uncomfortable with this . Doesnt matter if it is platonic services or not . You still have to consider what it might evoke in your SO and not play the blame game with them .

  • [Deleted User]Spock (deleted user)
    edited May 2021

    @pmvines That seems like a bunch of meaningless platitudes that help no one. Most people you are criticizing would rather cuddle with their SO than go through all this to cuddle with a stranger. It is when the SO refuses to provide that comfort that they are forced to look elsewhere.

  • notcuddledyetnotcuddledyet

    @loveisjustachem Perhaps he feels it is a part of your life he is shut off from. Would it help if he was involved more, if he took photos and did some of the work on your profile or helped keep accounts?

  • [Deleted User]Spock (deleted user)

    @notcuddledyet Great suggestion! Very constructive and positive.

  • [Deleted User]COCuddleBeard (deleted user)

    @Spock , I respectfully disagree that @pmvines observations are meaningless platitudes. I think it represents a fair point of view that is worth airing out. I think it’s helpful to invite all sorts of perspectives rather than shutting a point of view down by declaring it meaningless.

    Cuddling is often the jumping off point to further intimacy between two adults. It’s not unreasonable for some people to have the perspective that their spouse/partner engaging in this with someone else is dangerous to their relationship. It doesn’t mean it is, or that everyone feels the same way, but it’s a reasonable perspective. I guess in this case, like in most other big disagreements, it’s a matter of understanding 1. Is the SO’s position rigid or flexible 2. Are there concessions that can made to ease the issue 3. If no concessions are satisfactory how important is the issue to you and is your position rigid or flexible 4. If there is no flexibility between you, is the decision worth the potential of losing the relationship with the SO?

  • pmvinespmvines

    @spock not really just common sense human nature. You can't always expect or.demand acceptance of.something from people. I'm not saying it's wrong to do the cuddling thing if you have a SO. You do you , he do him , and she do her . I just think often times people are very quick to rush to the defense of their own needs instead of considering the needs of others. It's the same reasoning people use for infidelity too . Cant just chalk everything up to the other person not giving you what you want and playing the victim card when they are upset over something like , as an example, meeting internet strangers in a motel to cuddle.in sleepwear . In no way am I saying cuddling is wrong or non platonic or therapeutic or enjoyable etc , or that you shouldn't do it if in a relationship. But I do understand the point of view of the other person and how they might not be on board .

  • cuddler5617cuddler5617

    My other doesn’t get it but at the same time trusts me. I can always cuddle with her but to me it is like working out. If you do the same workout eventually muscle memory kicks in and your growth stops. Your routine has to be mixed up from time to time. Everyone has a unique touch and everyone can receive different benefits from it.. I also find communication with a person that is not in my inner circles to be very stress relieving as well. Hopefully this makes since.

  • [Deleted User]Spock (deleted user)

    @COCuddleBeard Good point.
    @pmvines Thats true too.

  • [Deleted User]Chris55555 (deleted user)

    Why do people assume our SO doesn’t cuddle us enough and that’s why we cuddle?

    I cuddle because I enjoy non-sexual connection with many people. Polyamorous in my platonic intimacy but nothing more. I am sure other people would perhaps understand that need and that a SO cannot meet all our needs.

  • pmvinespmvines

    @Chris55555 I dont assume that at all . Polyamory is a great thing for those who can make it work . I think it's safe to assume those relationships where it is an issue to cuddle and be intimate with multiple people are not polyamorous.

  • [Deleted User]Spock (deleted user)
    edited May 2021

    @Chris55555

    Why else would most of us go to this much trouble and expense for cuddles?

    I agree with @pmvines . This thread is aimed at the most common situation - people in monogamous relationships who also cuddle others. So, most comments would not apply to people in unusual relationships, like polyamory, open-marriages, etc.

  • CatloafCatloaf
    edited May 2021

    Agreed fully with @pmvines. People aren’t bad for having wants or needs of physical exclusivity and in most relationships that’s probably going to be the norm. Some people will need to consider whether they want to cuddle with others openly or if they want to be happy with their partner.

    Idyllically, I think people should honour and work within the confines of whatever came first instead of trying to fit squares into circles. Was it the relationship? Then maybe a person needs to consider whether cuddling (either as an enthu or pro) fits into that. Was it the cuddling? Then maybe said cuddler should only consider people who fit into that world as partners.

    Compromise is needed either way and of course my above blurb doesn’t cover all scenarios.

  • pmvinespmvines

    @Catloaf @Spock I def have nothing against against polyamory. I've been in all kinds of relationships, including open ones . But it's not for everyone. And don't forget pros are cuddling others as a job. That doesn't mean they are cuddling others outside that context. So the trust with SO dynamic is a bit different than the average non pro on here

  • cuddlingpro1cuddlingpro1

    The first step in working out your problems with your significant other is to first of all think about self awareness. This allow you to identify or become more aware of anything that you are doing that would make him feel uncomfortable. I don’t know if he have ever read your profile but the first thing that I noticed is that your significant other is not acknowledged in the status section as in a relationship or married. I feel that if you really care about him, he should be acknowledged in that section. Next you to understand and show empathy by placing yourself in his shoes and figure out why he would have these concerns. The heading of your post reads, “Anyone have a significant other who just doesn't get it?” Well, everybody don’t and will not never get it, however, you have to understand that when your in a relationship, there are sacrifices because you are sharing values in order to be as one. Finally, if nothing doesn’t work, you need to decide if being a pro cuddle is worth sacrificing your relationship. Good luck!!!

  • [Deleted User]arghdaddy (deleted user)

    I'm in a similar situation as @cuddleaddict, long term marriage, happy. My wife understands my need for it but she is in no way shape or form into it. She's completely the opposite. For years my "needs" for cuddling went unsaid and unbeknownst to me, my wife was very aware. She finally came out and asked me directly about it and she was the one that suggested I look into something like this. I love her even more for this as it's made a significant difference in my life & subsequently in our relationship.

  • [Deleted User]Spock (deleted user)

    @arghdaddy what a wonderful story, and what a loving wife!

  • olydanolydan

    Wow I wish my wife was that open I feel if I told her the needs that I have that aren't getting met that someone else could fulfill she would deem it cheating.

  • [Deleted User]arghdaddy (deleted user)

    I agree @olydan, I thought the same. That's why for years it just went unsaid or unspoken on my part. I also to an extent didn't realize that I was missing this & it what was causing some of the stress in our relationship. We've been together for 20 years, so I think your perspectives regarding cheating etc. can change. I hope the best for everyone and that you're able to enjoy such a wonderful thing like cuddling.

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