@CuddleWho ~ Fair.
@CuddleWho seconded.
@Babichev many years ago on a dating website I had no success at all. My picture set was excellent by the standards of the time, my profile well written, my messages friendly, brief, polite, appropriate and specific. Finally, in desperation, I wrote to the last 120 women on the website who satisfied very basic criteria of recent logon, distance and age. Every message was individually crafted, some of them redrafted several times. The first 80 all referred to the recipient's profile, the last 40 or so didn't have enough profile to say much about and they were only as bespoke as circumstances allowed. It took the whole three days of a holiday weekend.
I received one reply, which was "no thanks" or a phrase - not even a sentence - to that effect.
Just stop and think about that for a second. Remember that I'm lonely and miserable to start with. I've already sent probably 120 messages to the people I liked, and got nowhere. Now I've abandoned concepts like 'choice' or 'self-respect', I will literally go for a drink with any woman. I treasured that 'no thanks' for months because she was the only woman out of several hundred that I approached that even acknowledged my existence.
And what you say to that is, "keep putting yourself out there. Move on to the next".
Imagine, for a moment, you have been stranded on a desert island for a couple of years, and you love coffee. After your rescue you go to a coffee shop, you are desperate for a coffee. The staff just ignore you, and ignore you, and finally you leave. You try another one, and another, and in every one the staff just pretend you don't exist. Eventually you end up being ignored in 120 coffee shops in a row. Finally somebody glances at you and says, 'We're not going to serve you, please leave.' How you would feel after spending a whole holiday weekend doing that?
I've been fortunate here on Cuddle Comfort, I've cracked it. The difference was the professionals - I was able to see professionals, take encouragement from them, get Karma from them, all of which gave me the first foot on the ladder to meet enthusiasts.
When you receive a message from a stranger you jolly well should answer, assuming the message is individual, polite and reasonable. Not to do so is rude. There are times when this is not possible, for example when the volume of messages is too high, and in those circumstances we forgive the lack of a reply. There is no need to respond to advertising or spam, which is why there is no need to answer "hi". We recognise that there are people out there who respond aggressively to any form of rejection, and so we do understand when replies are not forthcoming.
But the whole point of this thread is to remind the high-volume receivers that there are many of us who do exactly what you ask us to do, and handle rejection with equanimity, and gladly forgive every unanswered masterpiece..... and that a cut-and-paste rejection makes our day, and an individual rejection makes our week.
@CuddleWho I mean... it's really not, though. @Babichev doesn't have different standards for herself and others. She makes that very clear in the first part of her comment:
I’ve sent messages and not gotten a reply. I don’t keep track. In a sense, that message is a gift, crafted just for them, freely given, and I expect nothing in return.
I would agree with her on this one. I tailor all the messages I send. If the recipient doesn't reply, hey, no hard feelings.
When you go out of your way to make it known how little you care about making an effort how can you expect someone to give a crap about making an effort with you
@pmvines OMGOSH THIIIIIISSSSSSSSS..... When someone just sends a "hey" no matter their gender, age, location or preference etc I feel so funny even TRYING to respond. hahahhahhahahaha I'm certainly not going to throw out a response like.....
"Wasssssssuuuuuuuup?"
I agree with all that has been said for the most part. Effort received, Effort reciprocated. If I send something like "Hey Welcome to the site!" and don't get a response it really isn't a big deal. I just wanted to make THEM feel welcome. (...ahem...) IF they respond with a "Thank you so much how is it working out for you? I'm new" Then it seems like they want to have a conversation. IF they respond with a "Thanks!" I feel like they are being kind but don't necessarily want to proceed further.
AS A FEMALE ENTHUSIAST it is a little bit challenging to verbally (textually?) REJECT a human that takes time to write a message. I usually say at least "thanks for reaching out, I know that can be challenging" but I am certainly not everyone.... JUST me.
@Atlantapilotguy I am thankful you were willing to be brave enough to post here!! Everyone's perspective matters, I think.
@CuddleWho This was interesting.
I actually think this is a pretty dysfunctional mode of human interaction
I just joined this online world a few years ago and I don't necessarily think its "dysfunctional" as opposed to just DIFFERENT.... Just like when humans created a telephone and could talk to someone from inside their home for the first time instead of face to face. We have moved through all sorts of modes of trying to find connection to another human being. You are right though.... With these different abilities to connect we have to find new ways to INTERACT. Some generations and demographics have a unique set of expectations but I suppose we are all here because we are trying to connect on some level.
Maybe..... We let people be exactly them whatever that means and we get to know right away if we will be able to match with them because of our hopes? Whether it be too many words or too few?
Also.... Hmmmmmm..... Maybe its our EXPECTATIONS that are the issue? Maybe we can have zero expectations? Not in a dismal, end of the world awful kind of thing, but instead just an acceptance of humanity.... hmmmmm @pmvines and @FunCartel I think I am getting to the convoluted part eh? Maybe I should jump back over to sloshing instead. 😁😂🤣
@pmvines
I am more than happy to put in effort proportional to the nature of the relationship I have with a person. For a complete and total stranger who, for all I know, has no interest in even speaking to me to begin with, a sentence or two seems pretty reasonable.
Imagine I meet a woman at a social event. A mutual friend introduces us and tells me a couple things about her. Fine, maybe I'll say "Oh, you work at X? What's that like?" Or if there's no one to introduce us, I literally might just say, "Hi, I'm Y, what brings you here?" That's about the level of investment warranted by that non-relationship at the time. Moreover, it would be very unusual if either of those women just ignored my question or turned around and walked away or something.
But for some reason when it's online, there are all these extra expectations about the opener, together with a massively decreased expectation that the person will communicate at all. I find it pretty strange.
@sillysassy
I just joined this online world a few years ago and I don't necessarily think its "dysfunctional" as opposed to just DIFFERENT....
Well, to be frank, you're on a very different side of it than I am.
The social environment our brains are designed for is that we live in a village of 150 people and know them all.
Today most men experience social rejection, whether explicitly or implicitly, many hundreds of times in their lives. Just as a very rough estimate, let's say an average man has been rejected by women 500 times. That's... actually pretty crazy. That's not something our brains are equipped to face. 5000 years ago, the only kind of person who would face anything near that level of rejection would be a complete social pariah, an outcast. And now it's just the way things are for men.
I feel like I'm getting pigeonholed on this site somehow. Overall I'm fine with my relationships with women. A lot of women like me, and I'm happy with my relationships with them. It's just I feel that there's this perverse instinct some people have to dismiss men's problems or blame them on men themselves. Somehow it really pisses me off when a person who's never experienced a given issue is dismissive or invalidating about that issue.
@CuddleWho if I'm being honest, and you can take offense to this or not as I am not trying to be mean to you, just honest . You come across as negative and resentful, and quick to be defensive. These are not traits that benefit anybody socially , and I'm sure that it is at least partially to blame for some of the problems you describe having on here .
@pmvines The way I talk on this forum has exactly nothing to do with the way I talk to women in other contexts.
The "problems" I describe having on this site are the same problems experienced by the large majority of men on this site. Even if I am "negative and resentful", how would the women I was messaging in 2019 have known that given that I didn't post on the forum, and my profile and messages were completely innocuous and reasonable? Maybe the reason women didn't reply to me is the same reason most women don't reply to most of their messages, and not because I'm some special kind of asshole.
Anyway, I think I'm finally done on this forum. Bye.
@desi_babe A rejection can sting either way, but a polite decline stings a lot less than a ghost or no message, but I also understand the perspective of someone who fears angry backlash, and not being sure if the person you're rejecting is going to respond in that way, as I have heard of that happening.
Wow! Long post ahead.... There is a warning and even though I think its relevant to OP's question.... I think I should spoil it so people can easily scroll past the silliness. To some it up.... Everyone gets to have space to dealing with rejection on their terms. I am sorry if I minimalized ANYONE's feelings of pain from rejection.
@CuddleWho
Well, to be frank, you're on a very different side of it than I am. (speaking to me saying "I don't think its dysfunctional as much as just DIFFERENT")
I am not sure what you mean by a different SIDE of it. (I am going to proceed as if we're discussing the OP's original topic of "the JOY of a rejection" message.) True I am female type and you are a male type but I have plenty of rejection myself. Not just in the initial message but in fact SOMETIMES I have engaged in conversation with someone and its going swimmingly, and then they just stop sending messages after I've sent something that talks quite a bit about my personal struggles. (Makes a person feel odd about sharing their story) I have had a plethora of messages go out that don't get a response even though I've looked at their profile and taken the time to write something that I noticed specifically about them. Rejection isn't just happening to men it happens to anyone who's taking a chance to connect.
The social environment our brains are designed for is that we live in a village of 150 people and know them all. Today most men experience social rejection, whether explicitly or implicitly, many hundreds of times in their lives. Just as a very rough estimate, let's say an average man has been rejected by women 500 times. That's... actually pretty crazy. That's not something our brains are equipped to face. 5000 years ago, the only kind of person who would face anything near that level of rejection would be a complete social pariah, an outcast. And now it's just the way things are for men.
I'm no scientist and I don't want to pretend to have a handle on the way our brains work.... but IT SEEMS TO ME that nothing in our current world is what our brains were designed for/intended to deal with. A village of 150 has morphed gradually over the years and we have adapted gradually as well. We also weren't necessarily designed for automobiles instead of the back of a dinosaur or horse but somehow we as humans have in us the ability to create something new and adapt to it. If we are interested in living in this world as it is now then we probably need to change our perceptions around some things. But of course it is nothing more than MY opinion and MY perspective. You are 100% free to have your opinion and perspective and I have no desire to change your thinking. I was merely thinking about something you said and interacting with it.
I'm glad you feel liked by a lot of women and fine with your relationships. That is fantastic!! I'm sorry if you felt I was being dismissive or invalidating the struggle of rejection.... I was speaking to how I PERSONALLY deal with the rejection. I stopped having an expectation... GOOD OR BAD expectation. Instead 100% zero expectation.
Because @Atlantapilotguy was asking... as opposed to shouting out some kind of unsolicited advice about how people should handle their specific form of rejection.... I was just presenting MY viewpoint.
Like any forum post, I look forward to reading others thoughts and views.
Aaaaaaaaaand @FunCartel 😊😊😊 I can hear so much more of what you say when you use a GIF!!!!!! I think now I will go over to the offended thread because I heard there was some shenanigans going on over THERE!!!!
I’ve had angry responses when I’ve specified that I’m not interested. There is already so much predation on this site that sometimes it’s frightening to get someone upset. I do a combination of no response or I’m not interested but I’m starting to bear on the side of no response for my safety. I’ve gone on dates with guys and when I’ve said I don’t want another one one specific guy said well I’m going to come to your house whether you want me to or not and I had to call the police. Remember that not all women are comfortable or feel safe speaking their mind and would rather say nothing at all
It’s not entitled at all. I have no expectations of getting any messages nor do I have expectations of getting a response. Zero.
I have it clearly spelled out in my profile that IF someone wants a response from me then they have to have something to say. I do not respond to minimal boring messages.
The person sending the message wants something from the person to whom they sent the message. They want a response.
The person receiving the message did not ask for it. It’s up to them to decide whether they want to take the time to respond or not. They are under no obligation to respond.
If a person sending a message wants a response, they are probably going to increase their chances of getting one by taking the time to make it a message worth responding to. It doesn’t guarantee they will get a response but it increases their chances.
If a person sending a message sends out generic boring minimal messages, they might get a response but they greatly decrease their chances.
We can’t control whether someone responds or not.
We can fret over not getting a response, be disappointed that someone who doesn’t know us didn’t give us what we wanted, that’s our choice. If we want to suffer over it, fine, but we can choose not to suffer over it. It’s our life, we have a choice about how we live it.
There’s a lot of wisdom in the Serenity Prayer:
Grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference.
It saves a lot of emotional wear and tear.
Well, I have a "hello" message from a lovely someone and I have been debating replying. But there is only "hello." To me, it seems like one in many messages fishing for a response. I don't know what drove her to write to me. She's not a pro. She hasn't visited my profile, so she knows little about me except maybe what I have written on these threads. and what my picture looks like. What is the woman's perspective of someone who messages a man, simply, "hello"?
@cookiecrumb why not reply and ask her? She just handed you the best gift in the world—an open-ended conversation starter.
How do you message someone, for the first time, without visiting their profile??
@quixotic_life : I presume you would be a bot... I would think there must be bots here, right?
Bleep~blurb! 🤖
@quixotic_life 🤖 malfunctioned😂
@quixotic_life and @Melomaniac9
Seriously, you two are awesome.
Thank you for the smiles.
foreach (var user in ccUserList) { Console.WriteLine($"{user.Name}: There are no bots here. Proceed with your commentary, fellow humans."); }
this ain’t no junior high dance. fear of rejection just isn’t in the vocabulary of terms. I for one as a cuddle professional, am relieved when a potential client decides not to see me. it means I get to spend more of my time helping the people who want my help rather than wasting it on the trivial
it is better for the client who may presumptuously have serious mental problems or harbor ill intentions to cancel than to carry on with a booking and put yourself at risk
It’s something you cannot change so do not waste any second of your time on it
@cookiecrumb She likes how you appear. She's dipping a toe in.
@sage_wisdom - you have really shared sage wisdom!
I got one a few months back that said she wouldn't mind meeting and talking but wasn't interested in cuddling with me because I'm too fat. I told her that I've been dealing with people's judgements about my weight my whole life, so no, I would not like to meet and talk.
I got one a few months back that said she wouldn't mind meeting and talking but wasn't interested in cuddling with me because I'm too fat.
WTF Okay, that was entirely unnecessary of her. Wow.
@GentleMan1111 one of the good things about having a belly is people will rub it thinking it will bring them good luck . Sounds like it was their loss . May bad luck follow them wherever they go