I am wondering what people feel when it comes to people who are requesting cuddles because they need a safe space to cry...I have a lot of feelings about it ranging from explicit consent to set and setting. I was wondering what other folks think 🤔
Although I don't have much experience with people being visibly upset or crying in my presence, I like to think that that I'd be supportive. I even encourage people to do that if they need to and to take time to process their emotions.
In some cases, I may put my feelings about who or what is being cried about aside and just be there for the person.
As long as not visibly showing one's emotions, particularly sad ones from a place of manipulation. Or if someone gets better, then forgets about me til the next time they need me.
Hey Jussjay! Crying is a natural human condition and I know first hand the profound beneficial effects generated from everything that falls within the realm of the service we label cuddling. Key word there being service. My goal as a professional cuddler is to work within our mutual boundaries to ensure the best possible service for each and every person I am entrusted to serve in this way. I have provided a safe space for Cuddlers before who I’m certain had no intention of crying. Sometimes, through comfort, security, and deep conversations it just happens. It’s real, raw, and much needed emotional release and I am honored to be present for it. That’s my take on the topic but I would love to hear from others and more about setting and the things you referenced. Awesome and provocative post! ❤️
Crying is very common. It's a standard part of the professional cuddling, like hugging or hand holding. Some professionals report that up to 40% of clients cry.
One professional told me of a session which consisted solely of the client sitting on a chair and crying. He wouldn't be touched or comforted. She just sat there, bearing witness. When the time was up, he thanked her politely and left. Three weeks later he sent an email saying she'd changed his life.
A professional crying is something I've only come across once or twice, and only to the 'moist eyes' stage, not full-blown crying.
As for enthusiast cuddling .... in my experience, yep, totally normal.
@JussJay I'm curious as to what your "a lot of feelings" are, and why you asked the question. What's going on?
I’ve had quite a few sessions like this, and my honest feeling is that this is ultimately why I do the work. These are the people who I want to reach most, because they have likely felt their emotions being invalidated somewhere or at some point.
@CuddleDuncan : I will PM you shortly.
Basically though i am new to this site and I also have a hard time sharing emotions. And while if it were me holding space I would be overjoyed. I would be very concerned with taking the correct actions to make sure that my reaction did not cause the person to feel uncomfortable post catharsis.. Also I am terrified I might cry without warning the person...and upset them.
As so set and setting if I kNEW beforehand that there was a high probability of catharsis (which from your responses I feel I do now) I would do some aftercare prep... like make tea. Or provide lavender eye pillows...
I haven’t cried since puberty.
The ability to cry was literally trained (read: beaten and bullied) out of me.
Now when the urge to cry happens all I experience is shame, embarrassment, and then rage.
Rage I was taught to accept, contain, and redirect.
But I was taught that sorrow, sadness, grief, and pain were for victims and anytime I displayed them during my training I was immediately victimized to prove it.
Suck it up, chin up, man up.
Our “culture” harms everyone.
That training is why I have the feelings I do
If I need to cry ,I cant stop it. I see nothing wrong with it and no need to apologise. I think those who 'get' what cuddling is about wint be bothered by emotion. I think we get so hung up on what is a very natural emotion!
I'd add...
that I barely recall shedding a tear (aside from possibly when I was quite young/a baby). I normally express my sadness/anger through laughter/~neutral if around others or by saying I need to walk away. Having a moment to myself can help me better deal with the situation. Though if relevant, I let them know when I am not laughing out of happiness/finding something funny. Especially if the context in which I am laughing makes me look psychopathic. Or if I need to make sure the person knows to take a hike. It is how I tend to express my emotions given my lived experience and perhaps personality. I think like @CharlesThePoet said, living through unsafe experiences aren't really conducive to feeling safe to cry. So some of us learn to mask it.
Though if I were to cry in the company of someone, that person would have to be someone I trust and the context ideally right for it.
I recently had a nightmare which has something to do with my waking life. It badly scarred me during the day and made me concerned as to when I'd feel okay again. I had a potential cuddle buddy to meet with soon and especially given it's the first time I'd meet him, I felt concerned that I may not be able to contain myself. Or more so, might have to just be silent through out most of our time together that day. So I felt concerned about showing up so upset and making the potential cuddle session mostly about me. That I wouldn't have it in me to really be there for him. Which wouldn't really be an issue if it's someone I saw on an ongoing basis and we make times for each other to focus on the other when needed. Thankfully I had enough time to process and feel better, plus I had some wonderful dreams after it! So I feel good to meet him.
My suggestion if you're in a similar situation, is to be open with the people you're meeting if you feel safe enough with them. You don't have to tell them your life story, though just give them a heads up that you're going through a difficult time and might not be bubbly/might cry. And ask if that would be okay with them. I think most people wouldn't have an issue with that. The few who do, I wouldn't judge them. Just respect their decision.
I recognized the need to cry in someone's presence, but it took quite a while with one provider before I felt safe to do so.
The result, when I was finally able, was one of the most profoundly healing experiences of my life.
My suggestion would be: don't force it, but don't squelch it if it happens.
When I began this journey, I was keenly aware that some of the people I come in to contact with might be struggling with emotions due to lack of touch, and I am emotionally prepared for that.
@Mela_B I might have mentioned this in another thread: I'm not sure. At the most vulnerable and isolated time of my life, simply having someone take my blood pressure was enough to reduce me to uncontrollable sobbing.
Thank you for your willingness to be a safe place for people who need it so deeply.
As I've moved into a place of greater health, I've been able to offer similar support to others. When I do that, I always try to be aware of my own mental and emotional health, so that I don't find myself giving something that would end up depleting me. I recommend the same awareness for others.
Again, thank you for being here!
Opening up and crying can be a big relief. I offer no judgement zones of comfort. Allowing you to let out what ever emotions and stress may be affecting you. Definitely a shoulder to lean on.
I've both cried in a professional cuddler's arms and had a cuddle client cry in my arms. It was healing to cry and an honor to hold someone who was crying. I did tell the pro ahead of time that I felt like I might need to cry in her arms when she asked what I'd like to get out of our session. Trained professional cuddlers learn about trauma-informed care, holding space, et cetera. If you're thinking about hiring a pro, I would recommend you ask them before you book them whether they are okay with crying (if they're a pro, I would hope they would be, but it pays to ask). Enthusiasts are not under the same obligation as pros to "be there for you," so to speak, so definitely screen a non-pro cuddle buddy to see if they can handle it.
I think sometimes we have been deprived of physical touch for so long that crying is just natural, especially the first few times we are held appropriately. I've often thought I was so close to going crazy from lack of touch that I considered finding a homeless person to snuggle up to.
Yes! Homeless people need hugs!