New to cuddling…help :)

Spud424Spud424
in General

Hello friends, I am new here having recently learned about cuddle therapy. I am on the verge of booking my first session but the thought of actually taking that step is giving me major anxiety. Let me explain with words from my profile:
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In 2017 I got a life threatening infection and was in the hospital and rehab for almost 4 months. I lost both my legs halfway below my knees. While I have had to adapt I still like to go out, I drive with hand controls, I still have my awesome job, and I can get around (though admittedly a little more slowly than in the past) with a cane. Hopefully within months I will not need any aid. I do exercise and work out regularly to continue to build my core muscle strength and lose weight. The point is I absolutely will not be confined to a wheelchair or bed...there is still a lot to discover and experience in this beautiful world.

Dating has been an issue obviously, that and the whole Covid thing (I am fully vaccinated by the way) has really caused this enforced solitude for the past several years with nary a hand to hold or body to cuddle with. I want to change that. Not ready for a relationship and certainly not for anything sexual, but even just a shoulder to lean on or a hand to hold sounds really nice right now.

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Here are my concerns that I think need resolving

1-I have always been extremely shy and afraid of rejection. Somewhere in the back of my mind I am concerned that because I am semi-disabled and I am not conventionally attractive that I would not be accepted as a client. Is that unreasonable? Am I projecting my many years of rejection in romantic relationships into this fear of platonic therapy?

2-Aside from work related discussions and (mostly) superficial conversations with others, I haven’t really opened myself up with anybody in a long time. I’m afraid to find what is in there.

3-I understand that safety is paramount, and I want to do my best to make my cuddle person feel secure around me. Sharing personal information is not a concern, but what else can I do to assure that I am safe?

This therapy could be useful to me as I haven’t had any meaningful touch in literally years. I smile thinking how wonderful it would be just to hold and be held. But this procrastination and frustration makes me upset.

Any gentle advice you can offer is appreciated!

Comments

  • [Deleted User]Chris55555 (deleted user)

    My best advice is to pick a warm and caring professional who comes off as very nurturing or has a strong maternal energy. Men and women can have that type of energy. Also, just bite the bullet and cuddle the first time. The anxiety melted away in the first minutes of actual cuddling.

  • CuddleWhoCuddleWho
    edited August 2021

    I'm sure there are many pro cuddlers who would be perfectly happy to have you as a client. Message a few and I know you'll find one or more who seem like a good fit for you.

    A few random points:

    • Pro cuddlers are mostly not trained in any way. They're not therapists. Don't go into it thinking you're going to get some highly trained professional. You're going to meet a woman who will be physically close to you and who is hopefully a nice and caring person.
    • It's very common for messages to pros to be ignored, or for the pro to initially reply but then not pursue a cuddle, and this doesn't necessarily have anything to do with your physical attributes, or you at all. So don't take it personally. I am pretty attractive but the majority of my messages to pros are ignored. AFAICT there are quite a few pros on this site who don't actually cuddle regularly.
    • Regarding your safety: IMO physical safety is not likely to be a problem, but theft and manipulative behavior are very possible. Keep an eye on the cuddler, don't assume she's an honest person just because she's nice to you, and give her as little personal info as you can.
    • Regarding her safety: Just be a decent human being.
  • LovelightLovelight
    edited August 2021

    @Mark I think it's a good opportunity to include disability to the list: https://www.cuddlecomfort.com/become-a-professional-cuddler :)

    @supadupa Welcome. Firstly, I'd suggest removing that picture talking about being single and what have you, this isn't a dating site and that image can throw people off. I think it's talking about a song and about not being sex crazed. However the way it is written and the swearing can cause people to immediately click away. On the internet, there is a higher tendency to make split second* decisions and if your profile isn't up to bar, there is a high probability they'll go to another profile.

    So to get this straight, you want to hire a pro, right? Because I can't comment much as an enthusiast on how they may feel safe with you. And it may vary person to person as well. Hopefully they can give you their take. Though if possible you may find it helpful in the beginning, to find cuddlers in the medical profession, as they may be more likely to feel comfortable with your disability. Or be more understanding of it. Alternatively, you could/may do well just going with people who seem cordial.

    1. Take a deep breath and work on letting go of this cloud of anxiety. I'd suggest you try to find other ways to feel better first/in the meantime, things you enjoy. Work on building your self-esteem in the process. Once you're confident in who you are, trash others say or perceived rejection should not get to you all that much.

    Losing limbs, or how you look doesn't make you any less of a human. If anyone has an issue with that, that's their problem/choice, not yours. From what I read, it seems pros shouldn't discriminate against you based on things like that. Although there may be a bad apple here and there, don't let that get to you.

    As a disabled person myself interacting with enthusiasts, I've had a guy basically tell me he's ashamed/ to be seen with me because of my disability. Another said something similar. To both, I essentially said okay. One of them led me on which I take an issue with. Though them saying no because of my disability, I say it's their choice. In fact, I may not be thrilled about it, though I respect someone's decision to reject respectfully. Not that I wish they do, though* they can't expect me to feel for them if they ever end on the same boat as me. At least not without making up for it. All that to say, there will be rejection for whatever reason and that's your opportunity to work through it. Become resilient and presevere in your quest to find the connections you desire.

    Most of all, don't let seemingly able bodied/healthy individuals intimadate you. Or hold them above yourself. If they reject you, it's their loss.

  • LovelightLovelight
    edited August 2021

    PS. To give you more glimpse into what to expect moreso if and when you decide to interact with enthusiasts:

    There were other cases like that with enthusiasts, one of them blocked me moments after I told him about my disability, which he asked more about before doing so. That was so uncalled for, though I let him do him. I discard him and others like him just about as easily.

    Also, there were people who'd video call with me just to drop off the face of the universe after seeing me for like a minute. Nonetheless, I continue to preserve and have since got to meet a couple of people * from online *, even if just once so far. :)

  • sillysassysillysassy

    Good for you to have a glimmer of what is happening inside YOU. You are the only one who can know that truth. KUDOS and PROPS and every other shout out that you are getting some therapy in this way (and hopefully emotional therapy as well as touch) because that means you are interested in figuring out how to take care of yourself!! Not everyone has such a strong desire to get out there and FIGURE IT OUT. You have had some pretty lifechanging experiences it sounds like, but your spirit doesn't seem to be dampened. I feel like getting the pom poms and cheering with a big whopping WOOHOO!!!! 😊😊😊

    1-I have always been extremely shy and afraid of rejection. Somewhere in the back of my mind I am concerned that because I am semi-disabled and I am not conventionally attractive that I would not be accepted as a client. Is that unreasonable? Am I projecting my many years of rejection in romantic relationships into this fear of platonic therapy?

    Thank you for your honesty mister. Its not always easy to dig deep and figure this out. I do think our fears of past relationships have a crazy lot of influence over our current decisions and thoughts of self. Finding someone in the cuddle world who understands this non-traditional idea will be beneficial for the touch but just as many people have said its a two fold issue. You have to figure out separately how to FEEL like you have value and that are worth what you are asking for. That's not something you should look for your cuddler to provide whether they are a pro or an enthusiast. You have to be very clear in your mind what will hopefully be happening. "I want to get some hand holding and hugs in because the endorphins and chemicals matter to my body." That sets a very clear and concise intention. You are the only one who can save you and your self esteem/sense of value.

    2-Aside from work related discussions and (mostly) superficial conversations with others, I haven’t really opened myself up with anybody in a long time. I’m afraid to find what is in there.

    It seems like maybe you WANT to find out what's in there, but I can completely relate to the being afraid part. Your body listens to you and protects you from that knowledge but then it just messes with you in different ways because those thoughts are all still in there poking you and giving you feelings of discomfort. We keep trying to take the long way around our stuff, but it still affects us.

    3-I understand that safety is paramount, and I want to do my best to make my cuddle person feel secure around me. Sharing personal information is not a concern, but what else can I do to assure that I am safe?

    There's a TON of information in the threads about this. I would say read as much as you can because there's a LOT of crazy people out there who want to take advantage wherever they can. Spending a few days and completely immersing yourself in past experiences of others on the site will help you find what you need to do for you.

    This therapy could be useful to me as I haven’t had any meaningful touch in literally years. I smile thinking how wonderful it would be just to hold and be held. But this procrastination and frustration makes me upset.

    There is definitely a chance for huge payoff here as regards getting your touch needs met but as with everything "Rome wasn't built in a day." You will find your balance and rhythm soon I am thinking because you sound like you have a clear picture of what you want to accomplish. As with everything there is benefit and detriment. Anything that sounds like a quick fix probably IS. (I wonder if I can come up with anything meaningful other than that ridiculous analogy that is COMPLETEY TRUE!?!?!???)

    You are wise to ask the universe for GENTLE ADVICE I think lots of people want to jump on giving you opinions about their experiences and expectations but don't always have a desire to be GENTLE about it. Thank you for asking for what you want. There is a lovely sentiment that I learned from a cuddle party facilitator. "Learn how to ask for what you ACTUALLY want. You might not get it, but you just MIGHT! Its the clarity of KNOWING what you want that creates a good starting place."

    PLEASE.... Just remember. THIS IS JUST MY OPINION!! Everyone has a different need, background and perspective. Its just that simple though. Only YOU will know what is best for you. Good luck. Welcome to the site!!! Aaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnd May the Cuddle Gods be Ever in YOUR Favor!!! 😊😊😊

    @Lovelight is there a thread somewhere that speaks directly to challenges/disabilities? Maybe it would be a good thing so that everyone could sort of work together for solutions? PERSONALLY I think we all have disabilities.... Some of them are just more visible to others.

  • LovelightLovelight

    @sillysassy "is there a thread somewhere that speaks directly to challenges/disabilities?"

    I've not come across it here. Though I think that's a good idea. :)

    Preferably myself, or someone else with a disability may start it someday, even though all with disabilities don't see eye to eye on everything, we generally tend to be on the same page or at least talk it out when it comes to disability related issues. Or at least someone who has an idea or two about disabilities and about the disability community may start it.

    "PERSONALLY I think we all have disabilities.... Some of them are just more visible to others."

    I don't. And as I don't want this post to be derailed, I feel it will be if we go into that discussion, I'll leave it at that. You can feel free to message me if you want to talk about our position sometime. Or we may cross paths on a more relevant post/platform to discuss. :)

  • LovelightLovelight
    edited August 2021

    @Spud424 This video can help you and anyone experiencing such anxieties/low self esteem, or who just want to hear it. Edit: While not platonic cuddling centric, it's still highly applicable:

  • Mela_BMela_B

    I want to echo what @Chris55555 says here. Even as a pro I was nervous about getting started, but once I did, it became easier each time. Sometimes it's just so hard to take that first step.

    Especially, of course, with a history of rejection. Your feelings are valid, and I'm sorry you've had to deal with this. But it doesn't mean everyone will reject you.

    You're actually in my area, and I would be honored to snuggle with you. 💜

    Mela

  • Spud424Spud424
    edited August 2021

    Ack! I did it! I reached out to a cuddle pro and I am doing a zoom call with her this weekend to begin the process.

  • Spud424Spud424

    Seriously thank you all for your kind words and helpful advice. I think I have found a nice community here and may just stick around for a while🙂

  • quixotic_lifequixotic_life

    @Spud424 ~ YAY!! Congrats & Welcome!!!

  • Mela_BMela_B

    Yay 🙂

  • ChristianMysticChristianMystic

    Just find the right people and talk to them about it. Cuddle therapy can get easier with time.

  • JoyfulHeartJoyfulHeart

    I'm so happy for you and proud of you, @Spud424 !

  • TheNewNovelistTheNewNovelist

    My advice is to carefully read a potential cuddler’s “karma.” I’ve had truly healing and therapeutic sessions in the last four months, and only a few “less than professional” encounters.

    Also, as others have already mentioned, don’t take anything personal! It’s hard, as we are all human and tend to internalize things.

    Be Well!

  • BabichevBabichev

    Let us know how it turns out for you. Go for it!

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