Is monogamy relationship slowly dying in our world and is polygamous relationship our future norm?

[Deleted User]phil123cuddle (deleted user)
in General

Hi cuddleComfort community,

I know this question may be out of the normal conversation in our forum but it’s been on my mind lately and I’m try to get some peoples option or understanding of why this may be occurring. As a kid, I’ve always knew that while growing up I’m supposed to get in a relationship, marry and stay with with one women for the rest of my life. However in the past few years I’ve noticed that theres seem to be a changing coming. More marriages are divorced. Relationship with an extra partner it’s occurring more often and men are no longer seeking women to marry them. I know this might be a complicated question but any ideas or different perspective understanding will be helpful.

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Comments

  • [Deleted User]CharlesThePoet (deleted user)
    edited August 2021

    In my experience, the TYPE of relationship is far less important than the PEOPLE in the relationship.

    In a short term world it is very difficult to find long term happiness in anything, let alone your fellow humans, who are as changeable, fragile, mercurial, and unrealistic in their desires and expectations as you are.

    This culture imparts us all with the notion that we demand and deserve the best of others, but never that others deserve and require the best of us.

    I don’t know anyone in my generation that hasn’t been through multiple “committed” relationships.

  • Big_ChrisBig_Chris

    Polyamory isn't new, but it's fair to say cultural norms are changing to favor it. There is a sort of pendulum for cultural norms, swinging by the measurement of decades.

    The digital age has created an environment where love is much more fluid. Gone are the days of settling for the nicest peasant in the village, now we can connect with hundreds of potential "soulmates" instantly. The odds of finding the right person are high enough for some people to find more than one right person. In all the billions of humans, the odds of your soul mate being culturally and geographically similar is low. But the odds of someone being right for you is very good. And we have the tools to meet them. Also add in a boatload of hypersexuality in the form of onlyfans and you have a recipe for polyamory.

    It may make you uncomfortable but the new generations always desire cultural change that upsets the status quo. It's best not to worry too much about "the destruction" of 'normalcy' because what you enjoy still exists. The only difference is more people are realizing they want something else. Strive for what you want and try your best to have empathy for those that want things that are strange and confusing.

  • [Deleted User]phil123cuddle (deleted user)

    By the way I forgot to mention I’ll writing an article on this question on linkedin i’ll obviously promoted cuddle comfort as its where most of my knowledge come from.

  • cuddleNsqueezecuddleNsqueeze

    @Big_Chris thanks for your post, I agree 100 percent.

  • quixotic_lifequixotic_life

    That would be fantastic!!!

    I'm an exhausting cuddler!! Like being all touchy feely, and being wrapped up with another for an entire day seems like a good place to start. But over time, most require more time and space, than I do and certainly more than just for bio breaks.

    So the idea of there being others means I'm less likely to feel abandondoned or neglected, and everyone could get their adequate alone time. Plus, if there were enough of us, games could be more fun, chores would get done faster, less income would be needed from each for the bills... etc.

    And what's not to love about having more people around to love on and be loved by??

    Of course it means meeting like minded people who all click...

    Psht! Details... 🙄

  • biancalovecraftbiancalovecraft

    I think so, because they never really existed in the first place, much to the disappointment of my poor romantic little heart.
    Truly devoted, monogamous, blissful sexual relationships exist in the first years, months, or weeks of people deciding they must have each other, then the betrayal, in one form or another begins.
    This all worked fine when marriages were arranged for reasons that made sense for the outcome of the betrothed lives and they had no say, and when women couldn't take care of themselves (or had no say). Being stranded in a horrible village where everyone is your cousin and there's no money, and rapists and robbers roam probably qualifies too.
    Our grandmothers couldn't get the cheap credit cards they pressure teens into getting at retail outlets, now women are more educated and successful that their male cohorts, they're showing themselves to be exceedingly ambitious and outranking their dads and brothers in every metric but compensation. Suddenly, they don't need approval, and certainly don't need to be saved. There's been a shocking reckoning for the boys, and there's an entire culture that's sprung up to be mad about it after generations of women devoted themselves, tied themselves in knots over cheating and neglect, and still stayed married.
    I think what's happened is the facade had fallen off. Men always did what they wanted, and women always had to find a way to make peace with their disappointment, just quietly, and raise us while they were at it. Us gals watched all that, even if they think we didn't. Now women are doing what they want and letting their "boyfriend" make peace with it, and they have spun it into being "ethical non monogamous" like a hall pass lol.
    I'm sad about romance not being real
    and am all for everyone living their best lives, but I put on my shades and cross the street when that euphemism is announced to me like some boy scout badge of wokedom. Maybe I've found myself at too many swing parties without my consent, but I can feel the ew. If anything, it announces a need for attention and approval and lack of decorum *puts nose in air
    You're a couple who encourage each other to look elsewhere, that's great, but when did that become a glamorous culture. It's what's always been.

  • [Deleted User]CharlesThePoet (deleted user)
    edited August 2021

    @biancalovecraft

    Wow.

    I felt every bit of what you wrote.

    Seeing the world without blinders, or filters, or whatever cute metaphor we are choosing to believe today, has a few advantages but a painful price.

    I’m not sure if I should hug you, high five you, get you flowers, or buy the first shot while we drink ourselves numb, but whatever the best thing is please hear me when I tell you aren’t alone in feeling this way.

    And that the blade cuts us all, and the lies have left us all disillusioned.

    And heartbroken.

    And more lonely than ever.

    Thank you for sharing so eloquently and powerfully.

  • [Deleted User]Moxytocin (deleted user)
    edited August 2021

    I can only speak for myself but I've been married for 18 years (this after several long-term relationships that didn't pan out because I really am not wired for monogamy). Just before covid, I had a break up with a person I openly had a secondary relationship with for 9 years. (There were reasons and it was sad, but it ended up being the best thing to do with a long distance relationship during covid.) We referred to this as polyamory, not polygamy though. Polygamy can mean a man with many wives or a woman with many husbands but it tends to conjure thoughts of Mormon men and sister wives. Polyandry - a woman with more than one husband. Polygyny - a man with more than one wife.

    If you're a curious woman and want to find out just how much monogamy does not exist, sign up on Ashley madison (site for married people to find fwb). I did it as an experiment. I have no profile picture, wrote nothing in my profile. I'm just a 48 year-old female - that's all they have to go on - and I still get half a dozen married men messaging me everyday. (I'm in a sparsely populated area.) I don't respond to any of them. That'll shatter some Cinderella dreams right there.

  • Hi_Im_TimHi_Im_Tim

    @phil123cuddle You have no idea how thankful I am that you started this thread.
    @CharlesThePoet -
    "I’m not sure if I should hug you, high five you, get you flowers, or buy the first shot while we drink ourselves numb, but whatever the best thing is please hear me when I tell you aren’t alone in feeling this way."
    Offer all of the above but bear in mind that all may be rejected.
    @biancalovecraft - Your articulation is endearing and stimulating. This was a topic I attempted to bring up with my first and only time cuddle buddie. I did so poorly so she did not understand and the conversation went nowhere. Still, the session was fantastic.
    @MaineCuddle - I appreciate your contribution here. Sorry that you've experienced the worst from my gender.
    To save you all some time, I'm 59yo. Single never married. Looking forward to watching this thread.

  • LovelightLovelight

    No.

  • CatloafCatloaf
    edited August 2021

    I'm not here to bash polyamory, open marriages, or anything like that, but I do want to open up a can of worms here...know that while there is a shift in cultural norms going on right now, there are also a lot of folks who learn about buzzword terms and then run off with them. There are a lot, and I mean, a lot of folks who are not genuinely into the poly lifestyle, who are willing to misuse the label for their own gain. I see this big time on dating sites where a man claims to be in an open relationship or poly, but is actually in a relationship that's falling apart and the other partner who is fighting to make things work has given up and basically said, "Whatever, go do what you want, I don't care".

    Once again, I am 100% not bashing polyamory. I have tried open relationships in the past before - they're not for me and I'm not sure they ever will be again. But I am very tired of folks who openly cheat on spouses or partners who have just given up, and then calling themselves "poly" in the process. Or just straight up lying about being in a relationship, and you find out later. That's not poly. In true poly relationships, everybody consents.

    Or the "unicorn poacher" couples who target bi women under the guise of being in an "open relationship", but their only intent was to use the bi woman as a prop for their sexual fantasy, ignoring her feelings completely.

    Just my thoughts, folks.

  • SuperManCuddlesSuperManCuddles

    @phil123cuddle Thank you for starting this thread! I have recognized atleast many of the same patterns that people chose to live thier lives (as you initially mentioned). @Catloaf I understand exactly what you are saying too. Thank you for sharing your perspectives and experiences. @biancalovecraft very eloquently put and thank you for sharing!!!😁🤗

  • nurturingmannurturingman
    edited August 2021

    I believe the only truth you can speak is your own. I've participated in discussion groups that required people to use "I" statements, not "we" statements, and I believe that rule fosters a deeper understanding of ourselves and others. I won't pretend to speak for my generation, but I'll be happy to speak for myself.

    I love monogamy! I can't speak for tomorrow, but as of today I have not had sex with anyone but my husband in 18 years, and I like it that way. I also had a monogamous relationship of 15 months when I was about 22 that I was very happy with as well— sexually, that is. I broke up with him for communication reasons, not sexual dissatisfaction. I had another relationship when I was 24 that was open, and while I enjoyed some of the sex I had with other men, I was unhappy that the sex with my partner was such that I felt the need to find it elsewhere. That was a relationship I did break off due to sexual incompatibility, among other things.

    The truth is that when I was single, which I was for many of the 21 years I was sexually active before I met my husband, I had sex with hundreds of men. I did it all (well, I did a lot and "saw it all"). Maybe I "got it out of my system" and that's one reason I have been so satisfied with one man for almost two decades, but as I said, I was very happy to be monogamous when I was 21, and I hadn't been with many men at that age. I guess what I'm saying is that I love sex, but I love love better.

    My husband and I both look at men when we're out and about, and we're constantly saying how hot this or that man is. We just don't do anything with them. We're happy with each other and don't want anyone to come in the way of our happiness. We also both look at porn, often separately and sometimes together. Maybe looking at others and talking honestly about them is just the safety valve we need to stay committed to each other, or maybe it's just how we're made.

    Now, getting to cuddling: Our marriage has recently "opened up" to my cuddling with others. I have a lot of love to give, and I crave a lot of affection. My husband is not cold by any means, but is not quite as affectionate as I am, nor does he crave cuddling as much as I do. I only recently discovered there was a world of people who like to cuddle platonically, and it has been a beautiful revelation. One thing it has opened up for me is the opportunity to share physical non-sexual intimacy with straight men. I went to a cuddle party the other night, and I cuddled with men who were there with their female partners. These men were the most tender and snuggly cuddle buddies! We were like male cats cuddling each other or their male humans. I don't feel that our cuddling was harmful to our relationships with our partners; in fact, the female partners of the two men I cuddled were deeply touched and overjoyed at the affection their men and I shared with each other. I came home to my husband with my needs satisfied, my expectations exceeded, and my commitment to him as strong as ever. He didn't bat an eyelash. It took us several months of talking this out and processing our thoughts and feelings about it, complemented with two sessions of couples therapy and two virtual cuddle parties (my husband does not want to attend one in person yet) to get to the point of consent to have me cuddle with others.

    Is cuddling with people outside of a committed relationship polyamory? Perhaps it is, if you remove sex from the definition. Am I sharing love («amor») with more than one person with the consent of all parties? Yes. I'm just not sharing sex with anyone but my husband, and we're happy with that.

  • SuperManCuddlesSuperManCuddles

    @nurturingman Thank you very much for sharing your views, perspectives and personal experiences about many topics/interacting with many types of people!😁❤️😎🤗

  • nurturingmannurturingman
    edited August 2021

    My pleasure, @SuperManCuddles !

    P.S. I don't equate cuddling with "love," necessarily, but it is a kind of love. I love animals so much that I find myself saying "I love you" to cats and dogs when I'm petting them, even if I've just met them— maybe because it doesn't scare them off or artificially raise their expectations! 😂 I don't say "I love you" to everyone I cuddle, and I don't confuse a one-time cuddle buddy at a party with a best friend. As a pro, I don't confuse professional-client relationships with friendships. Just wanted to make that clear. ☺️

  • CuddIyCatCuddIyCat

    https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fevo.2019.00230/full

    Quotation:

    "In sum, we conclude that while there are many ethnographic examples of variation across human societies in terms of mating patterns, the stability of relationships, and the ways in which fathers invest, the residential pair-bond is a ubiquitous feature of human mating relationships. This, at times, is expressed through polygyny and/or polyandry, but is most commonly observed in the form of monogamous marriage that is serial and characterized by low levels of extra-pair paternity and high levels of paternal care."

  • LovelightLovelight
    edited August 2021

    @quixotic_life "And what's not to love about having more people around to love on and be loved by??"

    Plenty of men think and are fed the idea that they can have multiple of us. Though not so much the other way and that even if we do, there is a higher likelihood such men will just use and not take us seriously. Cause at the end of the day, they want a pretty, preferably virgin (or who has had less, much less? sexual partners than them) chicks to have them spend their whole life with them.

    The emotional toll of feeling like they prefer someone else more than us and odds are we would actually be right about it sooner or later.

    No, thank you. If a man feels the need to seek someone else, cause I am not enough for him, I have no interest whatsoever in being his second, "main chick" or "loves me just the same as the other(s)". Plus now I am in a way having to be in a relationship with the women too and likely crossing paths with more often, where who knows what can go wrong. Then the risk that he will end up with one or two who out of spite will tempt him to leave me is also higher. Or who will go into a jealous rage down the line, which getting into multiple partnered arrangement can increase the likelihood of. As she gets to know him like that, she could think he is to be for just herself or feel that myself or someone else is taking him away from her. And that's not even adding the side of the men to feel like that to the equation. And although these issues to varying degrees can also arise in monogamous relationships, non* monogamous relationships make it even easier for them to arise. Whereas if neither of us give someone else the time of day like that, it helps to decreases the chances of such issue happening.

    And the probability that he or myself will ( * or think we found * ) find someone we love more hangs over us as we get into such relationships. I don't mind having such opportunities in a way when it is just dating. However for it to be serious, I want a man who I am enough for and he is for me. If down the line either of us falls out of love and it can't be worked out. There's virtually nothing for me to stay around for aside from continuing to be good parents if we've kids. For me, those are some of the things not to love about it.

  • CatloafCatloaf
    edited August 2021

    @Lovelight Thanks for sharing. Your post and perspective is part of why I argue that the amount of people using polyamory to abuse others or for their own selfish gain is actually higher than the number of folks who are truly in the lifestyle, practising proper consent within polyamory, and all people in the relationship are happy about it.

    Tons of folks like to call themselves "OCD" when they are detail-oriented or negatively stimmed by something out of place in their environment without actually being OCD, and thus trivializing the illness. I've witnessed and heard of the same phenomenon with polyamory as a term to describe a relationship. From folks who seek compliant, codependent partners and later goad them into a fake version of what polyamory is for their own sexual/romantic needs all the way down to people who think they're polyamorous because they're seeking a threesome, or use that angle to find a willing third (only to dump them later down the road, with no intents of ever pursuing a relationship with that person).

    Some of these folks are described in this article: https://medium.com/polyamory-today/bad-apples-youll-meet-in-polyamory-b6d13b4c42ed

    It's a label and lifestyle that deserves respect, not misuse. I don't think it's becoming a more common relationship style; I think it's becoming better understood and being given mainstream airtime, and at the same time, it's opening up doors for people to misuse it or misidentify with it. Kind of like when MAPs try to say they're a legitimate movement, or part of the LGBTQ+. No, dude. You're an abuser, you're a diddler. Get that [expletive] out of here and away from our community.

  • LovelightLovelight

    @Catloaf Absolutely. :(

  • SuperManCuddlesSuperManCuddles

    @nurturingman very true! You were also talking about many types of relationships that you were in and views too. So correct cuddling may or may not include love or friendship but typically people in a long term relationship (including you and your husband) say they love each other or many people would agree that love keeps relationships going. Happy that you clarified to be clear, due to ideas varying depending on translation by the reader, in atleast some cases.

  • SashamcgeeSashamcgee
    edited August 2021

    I don't know if it's going to be more prevalent or not but I do think the "normal" relationship style and mindset is faulty. What I mean by that is that there is this intrinsic hierarchical structure that we place relationships in. Of course there are differences to people in how that hierarchy is set up but I think that mindset is what leads to jealousy, insecurity, loneliness and toxicity.

    I personally practice relationship anarchy. This means a few things to me but a main feature is that all relationship styles are equally important to me. I find a lot of fulfillment in my friendships and family relationships and my relationship with myself. I don't NEED a romantic relationship to feel fulfilled. I always can have romantic relationships with friends without them being sexual.

    shrugs

    Maybe this is making no sense but yeah 😃😎🤗

  • TheMidnightOwlTheMidnightOwl
    edited August 2021

    💯 to @Catloaf and @Lovelight So much yes to everything y’all said. Especially…

    Or the "unicorn poacher" couples who target bi women under the guise of being in an "open relationship", but their only intent was to use the bi woman as a prop for their sexual fantasy, ignoring her feelings completely.

    So tired of being asked to be this person… No.

    And like @Lovelight said…

    . . .for it to be serious, I want a man who I am enough for and he is for me.

    If I’m not enough for you by myself, then bye.

    Polygamy and polyamory is definitely not new and it has been plagued with problems since the beginning of recorded history. Hard pass. And I’m also troubled by how it’s so often used to use and abuse people and how it’s becoming more normalized in culture. But so is fatherlessness, which has wreaked havoc on an entire generation. And these changes are intertwined, in my assessment.

  • [Deleted User]CharlesThePoet (deleted user)

    It ultimately comes down to consenting adults.

    Unfortunately, consent requires honesty, and finding humans that are honest about their sexual, emotional, and social needs is incredibly difficult in our "culture"

  • [Deleted User]Chris55555 (deleted user)
    edited August 2021

    @cuddlycat I like the mention of paternal care and how significant it is in healthy offspring nurturing. Paternal (biological or not) care really does have correlation to healthy societal development for children.

    In Tanzania I had a number of close friends who were Maasai and in polygamous relationships. It’s complicated and birthed out of need as men travelled with the cattle for long periods of time and women built and stayed with the home and children. In that case men had multiple wives and women were allowed to seek companionship with men from her husband’s agemate grouping when her husband was away for a long time. So it really was much more societal and part of their community.

    Separately, I believe I am made for deep connection in community and wish our culture was much more touchy/huggy/connective/ involved.

  • CatloafCatloaf
    edited August 2021

    I'm personally practice relationship anarchy. This means a few things to me but a main feature is that all relationship styles are equally important to me. I find a lot of fulfillment in my friendships and family relationships and my relationship with myself. I don't NEED a romantic relationship to feel fulfilled. I always can have romantic relationships with friends without them being sexual.

    @Sashamcgee Girl, I resonate with this hard. Social media and other influences do kind of teach us this binary, mutually exclusive way of thinking about relationships, or they pressure us into thinking we need to be in one to be whole and complete. Never mind ignoring that you usually need to love yourself in some form or fashion in order to receive love from others in a healthy way. I never heard the term "relationship anarchy", but I think I might fall into this category somewhat. I was in a LTR from the ages of 16 to 25 with the same person. After we separated, I didn't really want to date again for a number of years, not because of hurt (we parted ways amicably and are still best friends), but because I wanted to focus on me and strengthening my other connections as well as getting my education started (which I've been trying to do for like 2 years but there's always a road block, iyiyi).

    A friend and I confessed interest to each other that summer though after a mutual friend accused him of liking me. He was everything, man. Everything I wanted in a person. My intellectual match, my physical match (I was not his unfortunately...bigger guy who wanted a thinner woman), and we met through the same online game, running a community of about 150+ people together. I went through some crap, moved provinces when he offered the spare room since the housemates were looking to rent it, we got pregnant, he requested termination, and the fallout that arose from me being "less-than-perfect" when I was going through postpartum depression following the termination rendered us "incompatible". Welp, you can guess where my mindset is at right now. I'm in a relationship with me and intend to stay that way for as long as it will stay that way. Not because of hurt, but because I am (and have to be) satisfied with me. If someone else magical comes along that's worth adding to my life (not subtracting from it)? That's all cool. Then I'll think about it.

    But I'm just as happy being volcel (going on since December 2020) and focused on my nonsexual (as well as nonromantic) connections.

  • SashamcgeeSashamcgee

    "Polygamy and polyamory is definitely not new and it has been plagued with problems since the beginning of recorded history. Hard pass. And I’m also troubled by how it’s so often used to use and abuse people and how it’s becoming more normalized in culture." - @TheMidnightOwl

    So has monogamy...

  • TheMidnightOwlTheMidnightOwl

    @Sashamcgee
    Trust me. I know that very, very, very well. Did you read the entire thread in context??? I was referring to specific points that others made.

  • SashamcgeeSashamcgee

    @Catloaf it's a relatively new term to me as well but is how pretty much my whole life has been lived. I've never "needed" a relationship. That probably mostly comes from childhood trauma of watching my mother jump from one to the next and not wanting to emulate that. But it really does work for me lol and it's nice to know there's a whole community who lives it and understands it too!

  • SashamcgeeSashamcgee

    @TheMidnightOwl maybe I missed the context 💜

  • CatloafCatloaf

    @Sashamcgee Right! That's pretty much the whole basis around the theory in psychology that says our relationships in our primary years has a gargantuan effect on how we perceive and experience relationships going forward. Even bigger than that is the relationship with Self, and how we grow up shapes our relationship with Self as well. Some people go the codependent route because their parents taught them that's the way to live (low self-esteem, no relationship with Self), and others witness and learn, and decide they don't want that mess. I'm very glad you chose the latter.

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