@Sashamcgee I agree with you and feel similar. Those that like monogamy should go for that but not past judgement on others that may wanna try/live a poly lifestyle. I am happy for this wonderful community too!!!🤗😁😎
Yes, that would/could be the avoidant attachment route. Which has its own set of struggles/issues which isn’t necessarily better than the codependent/anxious preoccupied attachment route. Just a different way of responding to trauma/neglect/negative relationship experiences.
@SuperManCuddles Amen. Our society makes it pretty easy to judge too even as we move away from certain stigma and societal dialogues over time. I'm all for people trying and experimenting! It's the only way we find out what we like and what works for us! We just need to make sure we're practising proper consent with ourselves and others first, like @CharlesThePoet has brought up. Some people are just horrible people. But I would not ever say that one relationship style is horrible versus another.
Except for, you know, relationship styles where uh...you know, someone literally can't consent! That's never okay.
I think monogamy will certainly continue to decrease but I don’t think polyamory will ever become more popular. The fact is that most people don’t have the time and energy to manage more than one primary relationship especially in child rearing years.
I feel a lot of judgment about other people engaging in polyamory relationships yet, at least people who are polyamorous are open with each other. Look at the failure rate of monogamous ones. Many who appear to be in monogamous relationships really aren't, there's so much cheating and serial monogamy. People are not monogamous for life.
I’ve never met a truly monogamous person in my, or later, generations.
I’ve met a great majority of serially monogamous people, who go from relationship to relationship faithfully, but that is not the same beast as a single sexual partner you are devoted to and exclusive with your entire lifetime.
As far as you know, faithfully. The truth is no one knows what goes on behind anyone else's closed doors.
@MaineCuddle
I certainly didn't, even my own closed doors.
I have given up on trusting people to be anything more than people, and I resign myself to the cuts, hurts, betrayals, and scars accordingly.
And, now that I am older and the genetic and hormonal engines are not constantly in overdrive the effort relationships take simply aren't worth it.
I have only so much time, energy, and spoons in my day.
@CharlesThePoet i think I might be married to one of those rare super-monogamists. He definitely wants one partner only and for life. If he was an animal he’d be one that mates for life or dies alone (wolves…geese…).
@Chris55555
I don't deny that they must exist. The Law of Large Numbers alone suggests that even if they are one-in-a-billion there are still 7 or 8 of them...
But I, personally, have not met one.
Personally I am honest about my intentions, needs, and actions and then work as needed from there.
Now that women partake in hook-up culture, it makes sense to me that polyamory would come into play as a relationship expectation. Here in CA, I know more than one couple who have included polyamorous statements in their wedding vows.
@Catloaf [Or the "unicorn poacher" couples who target bi women under the guise of being in an "open relationship", but their only intent was to use the bi woman as a prop for their sexual fantasy, ignoring her feelings completely.]
If I am looking for a tennis partner, I don't look for the one who is going to bond with me emotionally. I look for a companion, not a friend. It may be that the "bi-woman" in the example you mentioned came into the relationship more with a companionship expectation that complimented their desire to act out and not attach. That is a hook-up and women now partake in that particular sport as well.
Now it would be true if the bi-woman, in this case, was promised romantic involvement with the couple prior to physical engagement, then yeah, that's abusive. However, one could set an expectation of never involving themselves in romantic sex unless romance had already been incorporated into the relationship long term. That's the old school way of doing things but today, sex happens before long-term involvement.
Anyway, I am glad that polyamory is evolving and equally glad to see a movement in the opposite but equal direction, like the throwback to Men/Mars, Women/Venus and "The Rules." Those more conservative expectation styles are re-evolving as well.
Now it would be true if the bi-woman, in this case, was promised romantic involvement with the couple prior to physical engagement, then yeah, that's abusive.
This is exactly what my post was talking about. If a bi woman had an unrealistic expectation going into such an arrangement, and it was communicated explicitly or implicitly that there was no emotional involvement to be pursued, then any fallout would be on the person who had those expectations, I'm in complete agreement.
Lying by omission though, that's gross. And it happens tons in the poly community, usually with those people not actually being poly, but just manipulative and opportunistic.
When I was 22 and my partner and I were in an open relationship, I entered into a FWB type arrangement with a man who I hit it off with. I later found out he was a clinically diagnosed sex addict, which has a host of issues as a condition (though many write off sex addiction as a prudish joke). Once a successful realtor, it turned out he lost his job even because of his addiction, that's how bad it was. I didn't know of details though. He was one of said people who wanted to don the poly label in order to try and sleep with more women, or get them more interested in our shenanigans. He even pretended to be emotionally invested in me, which turned out to be a joke after what happened next.
Needless to say, I cut contact shortly after that, after he made dismissive comments about an attractive woman with a neurological condition who opened up about trauma in her life. "Damn she's all sorts of f'd and annoying with her whining, but those breasts!" was basically the last thing he said to me before I dropped him like a hot coal.
As far as my other experiences, my LTR partner wasn't able to seek external partners to the extent that I was able. And I noticed that it was a pretty common thing. The woman gets most of the calling cards, and the men sort of are left wading through a sparsely populated puddle that isn't very fun for them, especially if they're looking online.
@Catloaf I feel for you. I just stepped back from a woman who expressed a similar objectification about a guy she had just slept with. It did not bother me so much when she did that in private because it was rare and I want my friends to be able to actually say what is on their minds when we're alone. But she went public with it where he could actually see it and our interactions took on an air of misandry that I could not shake. I also noticed what I thought was a relapse into sexual addiction by her. The sad part is that those fallouts can be just as painful as breakups with healthy happy people. In my case, we weren't even involved. I just got that dagger removed. Took a while. I appreciate hearing how you learn and grow. You make good moves.
@Catloaf "Needless to say, I cut contact shortly after that, after he made dismissive comments about an attractive woman with a neurological condition who opened up about trauma in her life. "Damn she's all sorts of f'd and annoying with her whining, but those breasts!" was basically the last thing he said to me before I dropped him like a hot coal."
Bravo, for doing the right thing!!!!!
"As far as my other experiences, my LTR partner wasn't able to seek external partners to the extent that I was able. And I noticed that it was a pretty common thing. The woman gets most of the calling cards, and the men sort of are left wading through a sparsely populated puddle that isn't very fun for them, especially if they're looking online."
Glad you brought that up, that's also part of the issue. Some partners may bring up wanting to be poly. Though when reality hits that the others are the ones having more luck, however superficial that luck may be, then all of a sudden they regret the decision. And at times, that can further lead to the other partner cutting off ties or no longer taking the relationship seriously.
"In my experience, the TYPE of relationship is far less important than the PEOPLE in the relationship.
In a short term world it is very difficult to find long term happiness in anything, let alone your fellow humans, who are as changeable, fragile, mercurial, and unrealistic in their desires and expectations as you are.
This culture imparts us all with the notion that we demand and deserve the best of others, but never that others deserve and require the best of us."
there's a lot of wisdom here. @CharlesthePoet
@Lovelight
Yeah. And I had the whole lecture from people I knew who were like, "Well, you can't worry about what he is or isn't getting versus you, you need to be a little bit selfish" and at that point I was kind of like, no, that's not pleasurable for me to not think about his needs. That I'm getting all the hits and he isn't. That isn't something I think I can grow away from.
So I've concluded, as I'm getting older, that I prefer reasonable monogamy. Not needing to have extra bodies in and out of the bedroom or in and out of my life, but being willing to explore those options and desires if they do eventually become needs. But I won't go out of my way to date in the poly community or partake in OR again at least the way I see it now, because those aren't the types of relationships I'm really into at my core.
I found that out by experimenting of course!
It doesn't matter what my expectation was at that point, you know? That imbalance just didn't sit right with me, and I was like, "Maybe this isn't what's best for us, because this isn't what's best for me." And my partner at the time was happy to close up if it made me happy. It was more about my desire to open things up from the start of that journey anyway, and when I saw he wasn't getting anything out of it, I, too, got nothing out of it.
I am poly. The best part, is the honesty to have relationships with others, and your needs, and absolutely about consent.
I'm poly not for necessarily for romantic, or otherwise, but for the sheer ability to be honest with my partners, and them with me.
Too often, being "monogamous" and "cheating" is common, and in a weird way, socially acceptable. That doesn't mean the decisions to choose to be honest with oneself, and then, with others in our life....is wrong or demeaning to "monogamy."
It means to me, being poly, the opportunity to be adults together in an honest way to say...
"Hey. I want/need to explore this in my life, what are your boundaries and how can we grow together in the long term?"
As people, we grow and change many, many times over. I feel we are meant to embrace our partners, as they are. Not how we met them originally.
We are all allowed to grow, change, and even consider other areas of life.
But it is our duty to love and cherish, whoever it is in life, and let them be. Just as we would want for ourselves. Within reason and boundaries.
However.
Dedication, and long time dedication, comes from not just communication, but from allowing growth in ourselves, and others. 💖
I've seen poly couples who show better communication and raw honesty than most monogamous relationships I have been in, or experience, in my day to day correlations.
If you can achieve honesty. That, regardless of your status as a person, sexually and intellectually, you're winning. No matter the type of relationship.
Also it's polyamorous, not polygamy. 👍
Being demisexual, I need more intellectual/emotional connection over romantic.
As a lady, I've turned down 3 proposals and have no living children. I'm a great aunt figure though, am an active pro-active member of society, in many areas in life, and love my independence, happily, many times over. 😃😃
So twirls
Life is what we make it.
Hi y'all, Thanks everyone for the response i didn't expect so many different response and perspective from different point of view. I feel very thankful to be in this community . The reason I brought this question up in because I've always question myself Wether poly was really something I should consider as I never really saw myself being happy in a monogamous married so seeing how broad this community I thought maybe I'll get some perspective before I make a mistake.
"Relationship Anarchy" @Sashamcgee I love this!!
"Unicorn Poachers" @Catloaf ~ I'd never heard this term but it really fits the examples given. (((Hugs))) to you!
Because I needed to look these up for clarification...
POLYGAMY - marriage in which a spouse of either sex may have more than one mate at the same time
POLYGAMOUS - having more than one mate at one time
POLYANDRY - the state or practice of having more than one husband or male mate at one time
POLYGYNY - the state or practice of having more than one wife or female mate at a time
POLY - containing an indefinite number more than one of
POLYAMORY - the practice of engaging in multiple romantic (and typically sexual) relationships, with the consent of all the people involved.
Related factoid: Baboons are polygamous but don't practice polygamy.
@Lovelight To try and make clear my earlier stance... Perhaps I need a term such as, PolyAmorCuddly ~ A consenting group (more than two individals) who lovingly cuddle with others, without guilt or shame (felt or imposed) and where a clarified, "Yes" is required and "No" is always respected and honored.
Is that better??
What I'd love to have is a relationship model where everyone's needs are being met in a healthy way. I just feel the amount of tactile glomming I'd like will never be able to be met by just one person. I'm a lot to deal with day in and day out and a bit of a weirdo as well. To expect just one person to take me on is a really big ask and in my opinion isn't reasonable. To that end, I also know I don't have enough resources to likely give another all that they need either. It's complicated, but I can see how I am might work well in a group of four who are equally introverted as I am. I know... an introvert who wants a polycuddleship... 🤔 But like I said, it's complicated and I'm a weirdo.
I’ve been married twice. I’ve grown up in a Christian home and was always told bisexuality and homosexuality is wrong. I should only be with a man. One man. Marry that man, have children, the end. But I started discovering more about myself as I grew up realizing I am sexually attracted to females as well, so this became a problem. Something I had to hide to keep my family happy.
The first man I married was very insecure. I’ve talked about how abusive and controlling he was in other threads so I won’t bring it up here. I brought it up with him how I’d like to be with a woman and I even tried to see if he would be comfortable joining us. He shut it down immediately and said even if he was in the room, me being sexual with anyone other than him is cheating. I respect that decision. He’s allowed his opinion and I couldn’t force him to feel differently. That would be wrong. But I couldn’t help these feelings. He was constantly pushing me for sex. He was a big muscular manly man but with how abusive he was, there was no attraction there for me. I wanted something soft and gentle and loving but I was so scared to tell him so I did a no-no. I went behind his back and slept with a couple girls. Eventually, I told him the truth. We divorced and that was that.
I remarried to an absolutely amazing man. Before we got serious, I made sure he understood that my bisexuality is an important part of my life and I will still want to be with women as well. He fully supports that and I’ve been able to be who I truly am. And we’re also in the process of finding a woman for the three of us to have fun with. We make it clear we don’t want a relationship. We just want a female that’s comfortable to join.
Being able to express myself and be with someone that lets me be me, is so important. Confidence in who you and what you want is key. Honesty with your partner is so paramount to having a happy relationship. Don’t settle and hold back who you are. You will regret it. If you are with one partner but you can’t see yourself being with only one person whether it be emotionally or sexually, don’t let the old ways hold you back.
My family was very taken aback when they heard I divorced my previous hubby because I was bisexual and needed more than just him. My father is still “praying” for me 🙄 don’t even get me started on how many people tell me I’m making a mistake when I say my husband and I don’t want kids. People need to understand that relationships are soooooo much more complex than the black and white “man marries woman” dynamic.
@MissAdventurous ~ "As people, we grow and change many, many times over. I feel we are meant to embrace our partners, as they are. Not how we met them originally."
Golden!! 🤗
It is very interesting to see the various responses to this thread, so thanks for posting it.
And thanks to everyone who is sharing honestly, and openly, some very close to the heart (and other parts) things here.
I have never been monogamous in my adult life, but I have always been scrupulously honest with every partner, and allowed them to make their own decisions and have their own reactions to my actions.
More than once I have expressed my desire about a new person to a current partner, had that partner tell me they were not OK with that, and then made my new choice based on that information. And then they get to make their choice, and so on and so on.
(No one said honest communication was easy, it is simply the best course.)
What I will say, in my experience, is that being in intimate relationships with multiple humans is WORK, and while the variety is spicy, the heartburn and the crap afterwards are perhaps not worth the different flavors. But, usually, it is. Love, caring, affection, and connection are often worth the effort. And the scars.
Of course, my attitude about all of that has changed as I have aged. Appetites lessen, experiences grow, fatigue deepens, and there is a goodly amount of "Been there, done that, not sure I want to walk that far to get the souvenirs."
There are a lot of reasons that in many cultures the old men retire to someplace quiet, either in a monkish existence (which sounds delightful after these last five years), or perhaps with a fellow old woman as a wise and friendly companion, and a younger woman as a vibrant muse and foolish distraction. (Which sounds like a lot at the moment...)
Personally the way I feel at this point my dream sunset is sitting on a comfortable beat up couch in the shade of a covered patio. Soaking in the breezes, playing my drum with fellow musicians, taking long naps, watching baseball games, working on projects, eating good food, and being as high as possible on natural psychedelics, like mushrooms and cannabis edibles.
To each their own, of course, but that seems like as close to heaven as I am going to get.
@MissAdventurous "I am poly. The best part, is the honesty to have relationships with others, and your needs, and absolutely about consent.
Too often, being "monogamous" and "cheating" is common, and in a weird way, socially acceptable. That doesn't mean the decisions to choose to be honest with oneself, and then, with others in our life....is wrong or demeaning to "monogamy.""
https://www.polyfor.us/articles/cheating-when-poly
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.vice.com/amp/en/article/paxddy/yes-it-is-possible-to-cheat-in-poly-relationships
I also disagree that cheating is socially acceptable, I wonder what makes you think it is...
@quixotic_life That further clarifies your stance and I think it's a fine stance to have. Though my response was to share what's not to love about it for me and others alike.
@newportsteve that’s a very judgemental way of thinking. Just because it doesn’t suit you, doesn’t make it wrong for anyone that wants to do it. You’re coming off real harsh here bud.
Carry on, folks. As always, if ya can't say something constructive and contribute to the thread, kindly bow out. No harm, no foul.
Peace.
Okay, for you y'all who are actually in a poly or changed from mono to poly. Whats your advice on people considering to join a poly relationship
Think of the most embarrassing, personal, shameful secret you have.
Have everyone in the poly relationship do the same thing.
Now share that secret with each other.
If all of you can’t do that the relationship is going to be in trouble.
@CharlesThePoet I think that's perfect.
I've had discussions with more than one friend who has said they'd really like to have an open marriage, try swinging, be poly, whatever but their wife/husband would never go for that lifestyle in a million years and they would never bring it up. That so many people feel they can't talk to their spouse about those things and would rather go behind their back while pretending to be monogamous (or they try to talk and get shut down), is incredibly sad.
Sharing 'all the things' is connecting with your partner. People change and grow so much over time, it's better to grow together as you learn about new things and explore. Each one of us has our own life to live and life is for experiencing and not hindering other's experiences.
There are a lot of things that I had never heard of when I was younger. And I think a lot of people marry and then later in life learn about different things they would be interested in and then are too embarrassed or scared to talk about their interest.
I'll never regret my poly life. Interestingly, the breakup of my 9 year relationship came from the fact that it was long distance, we were in touch everyday but only saw each other a couple of times a month. There was also a recently divorced woman in his friend group who is into all the fun things that he spends his life doing. From the stories he was telling me about his day, volleyball one day, concert another, skating, etc. He was always with several friends but there was always one friend in the mix who was present at everything and it was her. I could see even before he did that there was some mutual interest. I told him I was supportive of him if he wanted to pursue a relationship. Problem was she didn't want to "share" - she's not into the poly lifestyle at all - so he had to choose and chose to be monogamous with her. It's his life, and he's happy. I nudged him toward her but it was still a very hard break up for me. This was around New Year's Eve of 2020 and I still have moments.
Poly isn't just an easy way to cheat and get away with it. Go into it knowing it's going to be hard to maintain multiple relationships and there's a possibility that you're going to have to get through something like this. You have to be prepared for people that you love finding other people that they love and be okay with no longer being their 'one and only'. Or unfortunately, sometimes relationships expiring.
Perhaps I need a term such as, PolyAmorCuddly ~ A consenting group (more than two individals) who lovingly cuddle with others, without guilt or shame (felt or imposed) and where a clarified, "Yes" is required and "No" is always respected and honored.
@quixotic_life I like what you’re getting at with PolyAmorCuddly! I said in another thread several months ago that I felt I was “Polyamorously affectionate.” I don’t know if either of our expressions will stick (“Stop trying to make ‘fetch’ happen. ‘Fetch’ is not happening.” —Mean Girls), but we’re both trying to give a name to the same thing, I think.
@MaineCuddle I think that was very loving and selfless of you to encourage him to pursue his happiness, even at the expense of your own. I hope his happiness lasts and your sadness passes.