A Discussion on Touch Comfort

NicoSnuggsNicoSnuggs
edited August 2021 in General

This thread is not to share or judge any one particular cuddle Pro or Enthusiast as right or wrong, since there is no specific right or wrong; This is just to understand how and why different people feel/think differently in first-time cuddling.

Also, this thread here is referring specifically to first-time cuddles between two people who are new to each other [a cuddle pro and a cuddle enthusiast’s first time together], and not referring to multiple or ongoing cuddle sessions with the same people cuddling together.

And this thread is for the thoughts, experiences and input of both cuddle Pros and cuddle Enthusiasts.

—
In my cuddling with over a dozen different people here, both men and women, (all whom I’ve met for the first time through cuddling), I’ve noticed that there is a wide variety of “levels of comfortability” with different types of touch during a first cuddle session.

For instance, some cuddle Pros and Enthusiasts do not feel comfortable with you touching their stomach during the first session with you, while others are very comfortable.

As another example, some Pros and Enthusiasts do not feel comfortable with any type of massage, even a shoulder massage, during a first session, while others openly ask for it and want it.

And as one other instance, some cuddle pros and Enthusiasts do not feel comfortable at all with their legs or feet being touched, while others are open to that.

Now, for some cuddle Pros, it is noticeable that if they have been cuddling people (strangers) for some time {longer than three to six months, for instance}, that their level of comfort in a first-time cuddle session with a new stranger tends to be a bit higher (more open to more comfort sooner into the cuddle) right away as compared to a newer cuddle Pro who has just started doing this type of work/service.

I would like to hear some of your experiences, and your thoughts and feelings about your levels of comfort,
what makes you more comfortable with a new stranger (whether Pro or enthusiast),
how your comfort has changed over time,
and why you may feel more comfortable sooner with one stranger than with another.

What have your experiences been like?

Comments

  • LovelightLovelight
    edited August 2021

    "Feelings about your levels of comfort"

    Some of my boundaries are:

    No sexual contact or contact with private parts. Cause, HELLO! we are meeting to cuddle platonically.

    If I express a no about it, no hand/arm contact with below my knees and my elbows to wrists should be made under normal circumstances.

    As of now, it is something I am... going case by case basis to see my comfort. In all but one for sure and maybe one or two other former cuddle partners, naturally making contact was not made with them. The one that was made with below my elbow to wrist I was surprised by it.

    I chose* not to object and enjoyed, although I was a bit worried that I'd not be accepted. Thankfully partially because he didn't get freaked out by it. Or at least I didn't notice him feeling that way, I for the most part enjoyed. Which if he did get freaked out respectfully and reasonably, I won't be thrilled about, though it's understandable. It was nice for me to experience that contact, even for a few moments. To have that contact outside of my family and doctors.

    My hair and my face, I prefer no skin to skin contact be made unless someday specified. Though if I am hugging someone or resting on their shoulder it's inevitable a bit of contact may be be made, which I am okay with.

    "how your comfort has changed over time"

    I don't think it has changed yet.

    Blue: "what makes you more comfortable with a new stranger"

    Some of the things that make me more comfortable are:

    They respect boundaries starting with those laid out by CC.

    Take time to build rapport and are caring.

    "and why you may feel more comfortable sooner with one stranger than with another."

    The reasons given to the question I labelled blue. Plus not sure what the word for this is, though that basically we mutually connect well conversationally. I would still be willing to try with someone whom conversation feels a bit forced with. Though when we both feel at ease with each other it is great!

    "What have your experiences been like?"

    The majority of them have been good.

  • NicoSnuggsNicoSnuggs

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this @Lovelight.

    This is certainly a complex and more personal set of questions. I appreciate hearing your feelings and thoughts on it.

  • LovelightLovelight

    @NicoSnuggs No worries, I'd like to hear yours too provided you're comfortable to share. :)

  • CuddleStellaCuddleStella

    I generally have and hold the same boundaries for all folks from the first session to end: no touching areas that would be covered by undergarments.

    so generally areas like tummy, feet, or back is okay and I think generally I'm not afraid to state when their hands are getting too uncomfortably close to other reasons like tummy area is easy to go too low or too high to where my tummy area is no longer the focus anymore.

    I'll say that my level of comfort and approach on this hasn't changed much at all throughout my years cuddling but i have been a little wary of cuddlers who have been drinking a bit when they state they have. i naturally become a little more hyperaware of where their hands go bc plenty of them had to cut their session short (thankfully they realized the drinking was not a good idea) and so i make it a point now to ask folks not to come to a cuddle session intoxicated or buzzed.

  • UCpaaHVg6u0UCpaaHVg6u0

    Consent and boundaries are the foundation for cuddling, whether it's within this community or outside. I think that the tension that exists when people are in proximity with one another is like a fabric woven from communication of boundaries. We all feel weird when somebody unexpectedly invades our space, like a close talker or a spontaneous hugger. In a crowd, I know that this "fabric" is a palpable thing, and I feel energy as people move around me and as I move around them. I'm assuming that it's partly a product of the particular culture I'm a member of, a person raised in the burbs of East Coast United States.

  • Mare_BearMare_Bear

    CW: coercion

    .

    .

    There is something that I want male-bodied people to understand; femme bodied people have been and are used to coercion into sex. Maybe when we were teens, unfortunately often earlier than that. We have been conditioned, especially those of us that came up in a different era, that no means I can keep trying until she says yes or stops saying no. Coercion looks like like giving a massage and keep crossing the boundary while she's relaxed, it looks like touching the stomach innocently and then moving the hand down when she's used to it and surprising her with genital touch, it looks like a cuddle being a little spoon until you feel an erection in your back or butt and turns sexual.

    THIS KIND OF TOUCH TRIGGERS TIMES OF FEELING UNSAFE.

    It doesn't mean that we necessarily think you are going to cross boundaries but that it has likely happened to us before and so we don't want to have that kind of touch in play. I don't want to go back to that time of feeling unsafe mentally and not able to assert my boundaries clearly because I didn't know that I could, and now that I can I state them clearly - BEFORE - before any cuddling happens and I don't have to interrupt the session.

    If you want to have relaxing and comfortable sessions with anyone, respect their boundaries from the go and don't try to find out why or negotiate a way to change it. Every person is different and you don't know what people have been through, it isn't yours to know. Just respect consent and boundaries, please.

  • [Deleted User]Chris55555 (deleted user)

    I only have my own feelings/experiences to respond to your questions with. Take my comments with that as a backdrop.

    It’s true there are a lot of gray areas. And as an enthusiast I have also noticed that cuddling with some people I just feel connected, comfortable and like they are family right away. I can’t pinpoint why that is. Perhaps it’s all those tiny things combined that I can’t exactly put my finger on.

    Maybe it’s pheromones, sense of humour, they remind me of someone, they smell like my childhood home, good conversation flow and ebb, they have a calm personality which tends to calm me also and draw me in, they have a rocking beard, they make me feel protected, safe, small…the list goes on.

    I do know I don’t want anyone’s hands down my pants (yes people have tried this on a first cuddle). When someone says you can touch their back…do not assume they mean you can slide your hand under their clothes to do so. Back skin to skin usually isn’t an issue (it’s not for me) but I have experienced when someone asked if they could touch my back under my clothes, and they heard “you can slip your hands under any of my clothes” which is NOT true.

    But touching my back, stomach, legs, hips, arms and feet doesn’t bother me.

    I don’t want anyone asking me to take my shirt off to massage my back. If I want to exchange back rubs I will tell someone I trust how that would work and it wouldn’t happen in a first cuddle.

    In the end I think letting the woman (considering this is a male-female cuddle) set the lead is a great move. Clear consent is important. I have heard that cuddle parties have fantastic sessions on consent at the beginning of their parties. Maybe that would be something that would clear this up for you.?

  • LovelightLovelight

    @Mare_Bear "and don't try to find out why or negotiate a way to change it."

    If that's the boundary you want to set and be known for yourself, I've no issue with it. However, I don't think it speaks for everyone, especially the former. For instance, I don't mind being asked why not, along with when or how I may be comfortable. If I don't want to answer or want to say I may choose to someday, then I have no issue communicating that.

  • CatloafCatloaf
    edited August 2021

    @Mare_Bear Thank you <3 I think what you've said really takes the onus off people who identify as women. While there is definitely a certain kind of image we need to carry on a site like this to avoid giving the wrong idea, being female-bodied almost means you are "asking for it" by default no matter what. It's sad the lengths some people will go to blame. I recently heard about someone who was told their boundaries were at risk of getting disrespected because the picture was cropped in such a way that it looked like her blouse was unbuttoned. What? It looked like a regular dress shirt to me with nothing visible below her neck! This was after she had clarified to him that she wanted him to respect TOS. Like get out of here dude. The blame is almost always placed on us when our boundaries get crossed and it's still a long time coming to change that dialogue in our society. Sort of infuriates me.

    I personally ask my clients and others I cuddle with to interact with my body the same way you would interact with your mother's, or a child's. To not do anything you wouldn't do if a child was in the room. That scares off abusers/questionable motives every time and tells them I'm not playing around with what I offer. And if you've got the wrong idea about that, then I'm concerned about your perception of your mother or your perception of kids. :s

    My general boundaries are:

    1. No touching below the belt and above the knee. There is just no reason for you to put your hands in that region. It's too close to the groin. There is no need for a client to touch my feet or my legs either, and I won't touch clients there either.

    2. I no longer give or receive massage, as I'm not qualified to have people pay for massage and too many people have confused the offering or receiving as an invitation to erotic massage. Nope, nope, nope. No more. If you want a back rub that's different. But no massage. Someone can be particularly adept at massage to the point that it alters the mindset and can put someone in a vulnerable position. So it doesn't feel safe to me either.

    3. Like a cat, I'm iffy on having my stomach touched. It's a vulnerable spot and some folks have taken liberty of shifting fabric of my clothing, and slipped a hand up. So nope to that as well. I just don't see the reason someone needs to touch my stomach, as I don't have a reason to touch my client's. I rarely have respectful clients ask for this or touch me this way.

    4. My sessions are based in comfort, caring, and learning. They are not a source of entertainment or a replacement for a relationship. So I make sure that clients know I intend to focus my interaction with their bodies on giving them hugs, holding them, and focusing on the upper parts of our bodies rather than below the belt. If arousal happens it's normal, but we are not to focus on it, and in fact it should dissipate if they carried the right mindset into the session. I'm "Mom". Not pretty young lady you hired and woohoo you get to lay next to me. I'm here to be "Mom". I'm here to mother you, nothing more.

    5. Overnights! I know this is a topic of debate among pros. I haven't offered overnights for 4 years. That was one of my first steps in modifying my image and creating my brand. I am a professional. A professional who has business hours (8am-8pm) and likes to go home at the end of my work day which is confined within those hours. I feel icky charging someone to stay over at their house, and sleep is not a state of mind where you can consciously do anything. I like to sleep alone, or with people that I know intimately in my personal life like a friend or partner. It's just...a big no, for me. Again, this is not entertainment to me, or a replacement for a relationship on the part of the client. If you want someone to sleep over in your bed, maybe you need to pursue a friend who is okay with that, or a relationship.

    This means I get far less clients interested in booking me, but I like it that way. It keeps me safe as possible, and it ensures people know what my brand is and who I am.

    Meeting strangers has never really been scary to me as a premise. My mother dated a man online when I was five years old from Norway, and he ended up coming to visit us. To her horror, he ended up being married and never told her. At that age, I learned from her and was lectured by her that you need to be careful with people online. So I got used to the idea of online connections being normaland requiring great care from a young age, and they were nothing to be afraid of. I have been making friends and meeting people from online myself since I was about 13. I met my first boyfriend from New York when I was 16, on my favourite game. Then my next partner, who met me on Facebook. Then, in certain online lifestyle circles. Then, I became a professional cuddler in 2016. Then my most recent partner on the same game I met my first boyfriend on, about 10 years later.

    This stuff is a cakewalk to me at this point. I've come across some bad eggs but they have never made me fear for my life and I have always been able to be vigilant and safe. Others are not so lucky unfortunately and part of my role as a pro is probably introducing others to this concept, whether they are an enthusiast or pro. In fact, I don't really recommend people become pro unless they are experienced in meeting with others and in catching out red flags. It can be dangerous if you don't know what you're doing.

    I guess you could say I've gotten to the point where someone is more intimidated when meeting me in real life than I am of them. Usually I'm the one calming my clients' nerves, and letting them know that it's alright to be nervous or to not know how to feel about this the first time. Sometimes I'm the first stranger they've agreed to meet with online. That's special and an honour to me.

  • [Deleted User]Chris55555 (deleted user)
    edited August 2021

    @Mare_Bear

    I wanted to clarify something about your erections comment in case some men are confused.

    This is the comment “ until you feel an erection in your back or butt and turns sexual.”

    I think what you are saying is that the person uses their arousal as an excuse to push boundaries or manipulate through verbal pressure.

    Erections are not bad nor are they ever something that offends me as a cuddler. Arousal on either side never infers someone wants to cross a line. Men should not be shamed for being aroused. It is what they do with that arousal that matters.

    If people can become aroused while being assaulted, we should not shame any gender for arousal during a snuggly cuddle with a kind like-minded person.

    @Mare_Bear
    I want to clarify that I support your comment in general. Even strong-willed women sometimes slip into a submissive role out of instinctual reaction.

  • CatloafCatloaf

    Erections are not bad nor are they ever something that offends me as a cuddler. Arousal on either side never infers someone wants to cross a line. Men should not be shamed for being aroused. It is what they do with that arousal that matters.

    I do agree @Chris55555 - this reminds me of a cuddle I had once with someone who has been in the cuddle community for probably approaching 10 years. He was a friend of a well-respected, spearheading pro (not on here, but a CP facilitator) in my city. He did become aroused for literally a fraction of a second. He knew what to do. I don't know what he was thinking of to make it go away, maybe soccer, or Trump naked, or whatever. But he knew that he was in control of his arousal, and what to do when it happened.

    This is what great cuddlers will do. They realize they are in control, this isn't a sexy-time space. And even if arousal somehow happens, it doesn't change the motive of the cuddle. Too many people come onto this site with their own motives and try to push an agenda that the other person hasn't subscribed to. When they refuse to drop that agenda, that's predatory behaviour, and when it comes down to pushing physically, that's hecking assault!

  • Mare_BearMare_Bear

    There is no shame in getting erections, it is another bodily function in this business and is no big deal. What I'm talking about is past trauma where cuddling has been used as a guise for advancing sexual play and the fact that it's a common trigger for (mainly) women.
    While it is of course normal to have erections in the spooning position it if for this reason that I do not want to be little spoon when I'm working. I will be big spoon all day! When I have a professional session with someone who has a penis I will specifically talk about the fact that erections occur and how we will handle it (bad choice of wording but I couldn't think of another :grin: Or NOT handle it I guess would be the point).

  • MarkBPhxMarkBPhx

    I appreciate all of perspectives and I'm reading for awareness. Each of us are different in what feels safe, usually based on past experiences, and none of us should shame or be shamed by anyone for that. Consent and boundaries, and communicating them before and during a cuddle session is so key.

  • [Deleted User]Chris55555 (deleted user)

    @Mare_Bear “Or NOT handle it I guess would be the point).”
    Fantastic!

  • quixotic_lifequixotic_life

    What makes you more comfortable with a new stranger (whether Pro or enthusiast)?
    Prior communication (usually a lot!), mutual respect and understanding, self-awareness, on the same page I am.

    How my comfort has changed over time?
    I've really learned to trust my intuition on people, and I now run those I may meet through the ringer.

    And why you may feel more comfortable sooner with one stranger than with another? I'm only meeting with those I feel 100% about. No compromises. Because the one time I had reservations but met them anyway, I paid the price.

    What have your experiences been like? Overall ~ Great!! Most of the men I've met with here are some of the greatest beings ever. I feel a lot of affection for each of them and have heaps of gratitude for our shared time.

  • Mela_BMela_B

    What makes you more comfortable with a new stranger (whether Pro or enthusiast)?
    The way in which I am spoken to. I can tell when I'm being treated with respect and kindness, and when I am being pushed or coerced. If it feels off, that's enough for me to not meet.

    How my comfort has changed over time?
    I've learned to trust myself.

    And why you may feel more comfortable sooner with one stranger than with another? I think it has to do with others' comfort levels, and I just try to meet them where they are.

    What have your experiences been like? Overall, phenomenal. I've met some really wonderful people, and I am grateful for the experiences that I feel add quality to my life, and grateful to feel that I am helping other people.

  • Mare_BearMare_Bear

    One more thing on this subject, I know I've had a lot to say but this is important: Not everyone knows what their triggers are.
    That's right, sometimes trauma is pushed into the subconscious because that was the safest thing at the time, or the person just wanted to forget it and move on. But the body remembers and can be triggered by something that is on its face innocent.
    I was doing a Reiki treatment on a young woman recently and I asked her if she was ok with touch, she said of course, you're a trusted woman at this place that does this professionally, no reason to say no. But when I put my hands around both of her ankles, even while she was meditating I could see that she was visibly shaken by this action. I thought about how aggressive this action could be by the wrong person and I immediately stopped but I doubt this person had the forethought to say. "Please don't grab me by the ankles because that's how my trauma started." Because that is a hidden trigger, and for many other reasons, consent must be revocable. If consent changes for any reason during a session, it must be respected.

  • cuddler5617cuddler5617

    In my experiences as a pro and enthusiast is to never assume. Take the stomach by example. If you want to touch their stomach, just ask first. if it is a trigger for them they will say no. No reason to ask why, it has just become a no go zone. As a pro I feel more comfortable when someone asks. Obviously if it is a repeat client they don’t have to keep asking the same questions, but that is just me. I can’t not speak on behalf of females as they have different dangers and things to worry about than I do. I would recommend just being aware of your cuddle partner. If they suggest a different position it could be that they are uncomfortable with something and don’t want to be seen as rude and upfront about it. Just change position and keep cuddling. A position change request may not mean they are uncomfortable it may be as simple as their arm is asleep. But being aware helps keep things nice for both parties. Hopefully this helps.

  • LovelightLovelight
    edited August 2021

    @Mare_Bear So true!

    I'd add that * pushed back trauma can be triggered in non physical interactions as well *. Furthermore, sometimes we might not even have a clue, let alone a good idea, of why we feel uncomfortable/triggered. Just that we do.

    Trigger warning:

    So the hidden mental trauma can on a greater scale for instance be seen in my experiences of social anxiety a couple of years ago. When I struggled a lot to start a conversation and/or maintain eye contact in social settings. As part of my efforts to overcome this, I went so far as thinking to myself: "JUST SAY HI! It's not like they are gonna get angry at you and flip tables for simply doing that! It wouldn't be the end of the world." That wasn't enough, I wasn't ready. After a long journey, I've come a long way since. Although I don't remember what brought about this realization: I have only recently found that perhaps those experiences were brought on by a childhood trauma. I was a young, little girl and one day walked up to a boy fairly bigger than me. I asked if he would give me a whistle seeing he had them and I didn't register that he was selling. He got mad at me, said they were for sell and kicked me. And I think that had a lot to do with the social anxiety I experienced thereafter. Having understood this probability helped me more in healing.

  • timetocuddle07timetocuddle07

    Sometimes certain people get treated differently. Sometimes they keep boundaries for everyone. Almost best to find someone who values same boundaries as u instead of guessing or coming off unwanted or creepy

  • theHugAlchemisttheHugAlchemist

    Stomach touch codes as sexual to me due to an experience with coercive touch when I was younger.

    When I am most comfortable is when the conversation is flowing well, and the touch is centered on the back, maybe a little bit on the arms/hands. There is a feeling I get when I think people are just here to cuddle with a cute girl, vs hoping to receive therapeutic cuddle benefits. I take both types of clients but prefer the latter. Annnnd often its both!

    Its mostly about the conversation, both during the session and in the initial intake call that makes me comfortable or not.

  • [Deleted User]Chris55555 (deleted user)
    edited August 2021

    @cuddler5617
    Requesting a Position Change—I just realized that I do this when I’m uncomfortable with what’s happening in a cuddle. It’s my “nice” way to see if we can redirect the energy in a cuddle.

  • Maverick07Maverick07

    I think I'm still fairly young here, but I've done what @Chris55555 mentioned: I basically follow the lead from the female and, of course, ask sometimes what is comfortable or not.
    The only 'unusual' touch happened with an enthusiast. We've met several times and, in the last couple of them, there was a lot more touching and caressing around my chest. I didn't get to point of feeling offended but I realized that something was off...
    @Catloaf - soccer? Actually, if I think how the Brazilian national team stinks and has been for many years... it might just do the trick 🤔

Sign In or Register to comment.