🤙🤙 For those of you that have found yourself single after long term relationships, what's the obstacle you struggle with the most? For me personally it's been adjusting to the dating world which has changed so much over the past few years
Newly single as of 18 months ago . Was discarded the first week of March 2020 after three and a half years together.
Finding out the whole relationship was transactional on his part.
Talking with his exwife and his close family members it is his pattern. Relationship after relationship he has follow the set pattern of Love bombing, idealize, devalue, discard.
I didn't even have words to understand what i went through until I got into counseling. Emotional abuse does not make headlines because there is no visible damage, you don't end up with black eyes or bleeding. But it's damage you will carry with you for the rest of your life.
You will now always look for those red flags, you become hyper aware of what people say , how they treat others, and how they talk about people in their past.
I look back on the four serious relationships in my lifetime, I now have the perspective, knowledge and terminology to understand what I lived through.
As far as dating again? No. Never again. I don't trust myself not to miss a red flag and get involved with another emotional abuser who is just better at hiding things initially like this last relationship.
There is a saying that single women my age quietly say to one another about dating apps, ' They're either looking for a nurse or a purse. '
And for me, where I live, with my unlikely blue collar career, being politically left of center that already small group of individuals becomes almost non-existent.
I moved out to a city about 60 kilometres east of Toronto after starting a long distance relationship with a friend I played a game with through 2019. We both confessed to liking each other, and maybe a few weeks later he urged me into coming out early due to issues he heard at home during a voice call, a year before we really planned to explore living together. It was supposed to be back and forth flights during holidays to visit each other.
I miss Oshawa. I miss Ontario. I miss the friends I never got to meet out there, and I'm sad that I never got to see the clients I was going to see.
Also adjusting with not having someone very close to me to meet my personal, romantic need for touch (not the same as my platonic need). I typically like to get my needs met from a partner, and my previous partner was the most amazing cuddler I think I've ever met, among other things. He commended me on my cuddling too, noting that it was obvious how I was able to call myself a professional.
I just miss him and my heart hurts. Not only did I lose a partner, but I lost a best friend. But I'm dealing with it healthily and doing my best to move forward.
The hardest adjustment is in trying to trust myself again.
I was so incredibly wrong about everything I thought I had.
Partner, friends, community, support.
As it turns out they simply tolerated me while I was conveniently useful.
And, since I could be that incredibly wrong about all of those things, all of those people that I trusted and believed in, how can I ever trust my self again?
And, of course, I cannot. And will not. Ever.
@KYtranspant Your comments about emotional abuse are so so true! I'm sorry that you've experienced that!
@JoyfulHeart it has been one of the hardest most painful soul crushing life lessons I've ever learned.
Add a global pandemic and isolation into the mix. There were times I did not think I'd make it out of 2020 alive.
Very grateful to be making like-minded connections within community
@KYtranspant I'm glad that you did make it, and I'm glad that you're here.
Before covid I traveled a lot and met girls at the places I stayed at and partied at. It worked ok for a few years… then covid hit. In the past few months I have been seeing cuddle pros. Lately I have been working on my bumble/tinder profile. Put better pics, etc. I have been doing better, to my surprise getting matches everyday. It’s still a hassle though. Lots of flakes and people I end up not being very interested in. I can’t wait until covid is over so that I can go back to doing what I did.
I'm dealing with parental alienation: my ex-wife is actively keeping me from my kids, and I have a court date to settle it. She has destroyed our/my social circle. So, I have to build a new one. Which sucks. I go on match to check out the dating world, and I'm highly suspicious of girls who post that they are divorced and their kids live with them at home. I don't understand the culture that says kids can't have their dads. I miss holding someone. I'm not enthusiastic about paying for it. I'm skeptical about getting into another relationship. I almost feel better off alone for the rest of my life. But I don't like that either.
@cookiecrumb i completely relate with that, my daughter's mother put me through the absolute ringer in court, not by being an unfit mother but by denying court ordered visits and communication out of spite.
The skepticism I completely agree with, I'm more guarded with my emotions and I pay attention to little things and am more attentive in addressing red flags as they come instead of ignoring them. I think my daughter has been around one other woman aside from her mother and I dated her for months before introducing the two.
It's incredibly rough out here, and having a good circle of friends has really saved me.
@DCROFT good post! The biggest adjustment for me when my ex and I decided we were better off as friends was the lack of touch! Like a carpet being pulled from beneath my feet, the dopamine deficit was deafening! Also, while we decided we both wanted to remain friends he blocked me on social media explaining it would hurt to see potential suitors liking posts or commenting compliments ect. I completely understand and respect this but it wasn't easy because I felt a bit abandoned and rejected. I still find myself wanting to send him messages or just hear his voice and while it’s not an easy adjustment time and great friends and cuddle buddies help tremendously!
Biggest adjustment for me was my bat sonar kept pinging out to the missing other....and coming back empty. So I bought some beautiful jigsaw puzzles to occupy me and after a while it stopped and I found joy in my solitude. Also missed having someone to cook for.
The biggest adjustment for me is he took everything. He was my best friend, my 1st and only love, the daddy to my babies, and financial support. (He also took all the cars and the purple mattress too🙄).
It was startling to have someone I thought loved me, was working with me through postpartum depression, the pandemic, and recovering finances to having him treat me like I am the enemy (even though he is the one who decided to give up). It's like he is not even the same person anymore, and I miss my best friend and love so much.
I try not to think about him, but he wants the kids when it's convenient for him, so I have to deal with his possessed shell almost on a weekly basis.
I miss the intimacy so much. I shared with him everything of my mind, body and soul and thought he did the same with me. I am still so confused as to what happened though it's been almost a year.
@Ennea2HugU I'm so sorry for all the loss and turbulence in your life. I hope that you can find some connections here that bring healing and peace to you. Being here has done me a world of good.