@simsaddict - the fact that he found you on SC is very creepy although it may seem harmless … that’s a bit too much for comfort , effort had to be put in for that person to do that …
Also, anyone asking you personal questions like, “are you in a relationship “, when’s the last time you’ve been touched” … SUPER RED FLAG 🚩 … #1) none of their business #2) they are seriously testing the water … wouldn’t even go any further after that
Lastly, I’m glad you shared the pro perspective here, it was a much needed balance to the perspective of this thread.
@simsaddict I wouldn’t have even went 2 times explaining my boundaries to someone, let alone 4 times! I agree with cuddlesndreams. If I had Snapchat and I didn’t give that info to him, but he ended up finding me there, I would have dropped him instantly. If he would have asked me to wear a sports bra and skirt and keep trying to justify it, communication should not have gone past that. He obviously doesn’t respect you. The fact that he kept going and said garbage like “well, other pros do it, so you should too” is just stupid and he doesn’t deserve another word from you. He’s a creep, he needs to be reported. Just imagining someone asking me the questions he asked you makes me want to be violent. Lol he seems like an Ew person….
Honestly, don’t give guys like this more than one no. Just ditch them, report, block and carry on.
And to answer the thread, yes, there are a lot of “pros” that would push boundaries. Just because they make money doesn’t mean they don’t push boundaries. I’ve talked with plenty of cuddlers that have said these women who should not be pros, kept pushing their “deals” on people. Apparently one lady even brings some organized chart to show what she will do for more money. That’s badgering. That’s disrespecting what your cuddler wants. And that’s breaking the rules of this site. Also, I have heard of “pros” that show up smelling bad and making the cuddler feel guilty that they don’t want to cuddle her…. Or some of these women full-blown insult these cuddlers or start touching them inappropriately without asking for consent or ya know, following the rules and not acting like a thirsty trap….
Just because women get their boundaries pushed A LOT more, doesn’t mean that men don’t get their boundaries pushed too. It happens all to much….
@Melancholy "If a pro cuddler wants to push boundaries and do things you're not supposed to, they aren't going to do it for free."
There are plenty of people who break boundaries or assault for free, so I wouldn't be so sure of that. Someone with the intention to break boundaries and get their way in this case likely get paid for it may actually do some for free to entice the person
@simsaddict There are plenty of people who English isn't their first language, though they are more than capable of being respectful. So I wouldn't give the person such a pass especially with all the red flags you've got.
Unfortunately I found a Reddit post with a comment that said things like this "with only a polite words exchanged, she had stripped to her underwear and was ready to cuddle. I was overwhelmed - I had not had sex with anyone for quite a while. To have someone like her , extremely attractive, to cuddle with me in her underwear...."
"It turns out that she has been doing this for a while, even though she was new to CC. She thought all other pro cuddlers were actually prostitutes."
I know this is an unpopular opinion, but I’ve been concerned for a while that a lot (not saying a majority) of pro cuddlers have other intentions than just cuddling to help comfort someone and earn a few extra bucks. When you’re charging hundreds of dollars per hour for cuddling, it sends the wrong message. Obviously there are some cases in which a wealthy older man is willing to pay up for legit cuddles, but there are a lot of enthusiasts on here who aren’t in a position where they can afford regular cuddles for the “pro” rate. When you do actually pay up and you’re put into an uncomfortable position or pressured into beyond-platonic situations, it really hurts.
@quincyq03 trust me. That’s not an unpopular opinion. There are so many of us that are concerned with the women coming into this platonic site offering more and breaking these rules.
@Sheena123 I appreciate you saying, "Just because women get their boundaries pushed A LOT more, doesn’t mean that men don’t get their boundaries pushed too. It happens all to much…."
I still have this problem. From my experience people don't take it serious enough. Quite frankly that's worse than people who don't take it serious at all. Because it shows that they're only pretending to care. At least people who dismiss it or laugh at it are honest about their intentions. The people who claim they care talk all this crap about it how they want me to take their situation serious, but they won't take mine serious enough. It's a two-way street and not a pissing contest of who has it worse. The problem is not who has it worse, the problem is that it's happening.
I come to the site specifically for platonic cuddles. If I really wanted anything more I wouldn't ask it here, because that's not what I'm here for. I've had sex and think it's great, lastly I'm not arguing against people doing it on their own time outside of Cuddle Comfort.
What I am saying is that I have a history of abuse, and a lot of my abusers, not all of them, were women, including my own mother. What's worse is that people minimize it and dismiss it because it's my mom who was abusive instead of my father. It also didn't help that my father till this day still does not take it serious enough, let alone at all. My mother is even abusive towards him and he thinks that's normal because my father's mother was abusive towards him. I call him out all the time on it. I didn't always have a positive maternal figure in my life.
This site has provided, in a lot of ways, that feeling especially women like @YourEmbraceMel. I only ever did a virtual session with her, but it meant everything to me.
Lastly it's better that I come to hear to seek that, as opposed to just going out to a random bar/club, and trying to pick up women for that. That's almost as bad as going to a bar/club to pick up women to "hook up," with. Now that I think about it it seems more creepy in some ways.
I’ve been fortunate enough to have had positive experiences with all the pros I’ve seen from this site. Even one who was later banned from the site, while I could tell and it seemed slightly hinted at that her boundaries might be flexible, she never pressed my boundaries or tried anything beyond platonic cuddling.
I can imagine it does happen, and abuse against men by women does happen. This is not as common as women being abused by men, but it does happen. The best way at to keep this community safe is to report any overtly inappropriate behavior. I say overtly because some things can be misinterpreted, so it’s important to communicate. Communication is also the key to a great cuddle session too.
Stay safe out there and happy cuddling!
@Brant76 once again it's not about who has it worse or who it happens to more. The matter is that it just happens. It's not a contest who has it the worst. Lastly it's not always as simple as, just report it.
probably just echoing the same thing others have said but please report these pros and if you can, leave that karma! it goes both ways and i highly recommend doing our part to keep this community safe from anybody who doesn't respect boundaries, period.
I have definitely been lucky enough to meet some really nice people here. However, if you do charge a lot of money, I can definitely see how it can send a bad message. I did have one person try to charge me even though they were not a professional. Needless to say I reported this person right away.
As much as pros need to screen their clients, clients also need to screen their pros!
I really want to thank everyone here for their feedback, as I am sort of in the middle of writing a piece on this topic for my cuddle blog. A number of years back I had a piece for professionals that goes into details of what to look for in a "red flag" client. Then, I decided it was a little unfair of me to throw clients under the bus. So I started writing a piece for them, so they can see the signs of a not-so-great "professional" cuddler. It would be nice to be able to share what I'm seeing here in that piece, since I made a topic about this quite some time ago, and received some votes on the poll, but few feedback from people who were on the receiving end of a professional pushing boundaries. The feedback I did get permission to share is from a forum contributor who PM'd me and is no longer on the site.
I haven't published it, 2 years later. Mainly due to the fact that I didn't get many people coming forward with experiences to share, and I didn't want it to simply be my own opinion clogging up the writing, given that I'm not a client. Would it be too much to ask if anyone would like to give permission to share their experiences posted here in my piece, or even have folks PM me their experience if they haven't had it shared? My last contributor chose to remain anonymous and I promise your privacy will always be respected.
@Catloaf , agreed.
I also want to say that respecting boundaries can also b non - physical. I respect all boundaries and haven't had any pros. not respect mine physically.
I don't mind if if we have set up a session and the pro wants to talk beforehand about a few things. Hobbies, interests, etc. It's when they start asking personal questions and start asking like they are a long lost friend.
One cuddler who is not on this site anymore once texted me in the middle of the day. I offer coffee if a cuddlier wants it before cuddling , sort of a break the ice thing. The cuddlier asked me if I like doughnuts and brought some to the first session which I thought was strange.
She then went though a whole conversation sending me pictures of her home, kid, etc. After meeting she asked me about some information about me, as though she was there to counsel me.
Cuddlers have to be aware of how much information a client wants to tell them as they wouldn't want a client to know certain things about them
The last few years have been a learning experience.
I truly, admittedly foolishly, wondered why people wouldn’t come out and report/charge/prosecute/testify about violence or sexual assaults done against them.
And then I had my own boundaries crossed, and am incredibly unsure how to talk about it.
And those boundaries are clearly minor compared to a traumatic assault.
Quite a while ago I decided to book a professional cuddler.
My first try.
I had been on the site for a while, no enthusiasts in my area had responded to my greetings, and I finally accepted that the only way I was going to experience any comfort was to pay for it.
So, I contacted a few professionals in my area and started to look for a good fit.
I tried to be clear about what my intentions and desires were for our session.
1) Comforting contact. 2) A soft voice to listen to. 3) The sound of someone that wasn’t struggling to breath, constantly coughing, gasping, wheezing, and yawning. 4) A space where, for at least a couple of hours, I WASN’T the caregiver.
Then, as now, sexual/romantic contact and entanglement were/are the farthest thing from my mind.
I literally have nothing to give, I’m a huge ball of grief and fear, and I simply wouldn’t, and couldn’t, enter into any kind of relationship in this state.
I wanted contact, and comfort, not connection or intimacy.
The professional I ended up choosing assured me that was no problem.
I arrived at our two hour scheduled session, nervous but hopeful.
About thirty minutes into our session the professional started asking me exploratory questions, presumably as an ice breaker.
The questions became more personal, and began to touch on relationships.
I became defensive, basically shutting down and staying quiet.
They suddenly held my face, and held eye contact, saying, “You can trust me. It feels like I’m picking you apart, but I am simply trying to appreciate and understand what you are going through.”
I said, “I’m not comfortable with that. It’s too intimate for me.”
(I did not say, “And the deep staring into my eyes makes me feel challenged and intimate at the same time, please stop.”)
(Obviously, I should have.)
They said, “I’m curious, and I can’t help but poke to see who you are. It’s how I connect to people.”
I closed my eyes, and when I did, the professional began caressing my face (a boundary I did not know I had) and then touched my lips and beard with their forearms, and then with their fingertips.
I was now confused, and I was frightened that I was going to have an emotional, physical reaction.
Then they said, “You can pull my hair.”
I went completely still, and counted to thirty to myself, focusing on my breathing.
The moment passed, I asked if I could lay on my stomach, and simply have them lay upon my back, as a comforting weight.
We stayed like that the rest of the session, I thanked them, and then left.
I’m not certain how much of that discomfort was me, them, a bad mix, the current terrible time I am going through, or what...
How much of it was my own feelings of heartbreak, loneliness, and inadequacy. Of not being good enough to have anyone willing to simply reach out for me, and not because I had to pay them to do so.
So, in the end I didn’t report them, and I even left them good karma.
It felt then, and still does, that the discomfort was my fault. The result of the issues I have, the painful things I am experiencing, the scars I carry.
After all, they are a trained professional cuddler, with multiple certifications and a lot of great karma.
But the last few years have been a learning experience.
I’ve worked on my understanding and acceptance of boundaries, including for the first time, my own.
I’m not sharing my experience to point fingers at anyone, clients, enthusiasts, or professionals.
And I’m not trawling for sympathy.
But it is important, I think, to share that these things can happen, and in subtle ways, even to someone like me, who is professionally good at protecting themselves.
You are not alone.
It isn’t your fault.
You are allowed to hurt, to be anxious about it, to decide to never try again.
You are allowed to talk about it.
Allowed to report it.
You can forgive yourself.
You can heal.
@CharlesThePoet on your earlier posts: there are sheep, there are wolves, and there are sheepdogs. I believe you are the latter. On your most recent post, I thank you for being so open about your experience. I have seen you hint at your experience before, but I think it is the most amazing thing that you have shared this experience with complete strangers at this point. For all of humanity, I wish there was some consolation for every wrong, that there was a way to right them, that trust could be regained. I have my own experiences in view, too. I love this community, and I wish everyone the best, as they share the best version of themselves with others. I hope everyone can find someone with which they make the best connection, a connection which brings great joy.
@CharlesThePoet i love everything you wrote and it resonates with me. Deeply.
I think hearing about face caressing and arm rubs or staring into the eyes is something I never thought about as a potential trigger for others and I know I ask questions to make myself feel more at ease, but never dive deep because I assume the other person will volunteer that info, if they want to share it.
Your comment is certainly going to remain in my brain a while. In a good way. I was sexually assaulted last year and there are times I don’t want to be touched but part of healing from trauma has been discovering the safety in cuddling with people that make me feel protected as much as I make them feel relaxed. I hope that makes sense.
@CharlesThePoet that is a heartbreaking and at the same time touching story. Thank you for sharing.
I think I want to share a story from a different perspective... this one from the point of view of someone who crossed someone else's boundaries.
I had been meeting with someone several times. After our first meeting we exchanged Instagram accounts (at her suggestion) so we could keep in contact. Occasionally we would send each other messages and it eventually became an almost daily routine. During the course of our meetings, we shared extremely personal details about our lives and opened up about very private emotional challenges we were both having.
In an effort to cheer her spirits, I began speaking to her (in my mind) as if we were close friends. In her mind, she took this as me acting like we were in a relationship (not my intention). She didn't tell me that it was making her uncomfortable.
This came to a head when one day, after not speaking for a few days, I mentioned that I had been thinking of her the prior night and worrying about how she was emotionally.
She cut me off and told me to stop, that the way I was talking felt like we were in a relationship and that she did not want to have to disappoint me in the future (I presume turning me down if I were to ask for a date). I apologized and explained that it was not my intention. We made up, but we cut back on our communication greatly.
We had a meeting scheduled for the next week and I had considered sending her the payment for it, but not showing up, though I changed my mind and did keep the appointment. When I got to the hotel, she was already there and curled up in bed. She had left the door slightly ajar so she would not have to get up to let me in.
I entered, we hugged and I went to take a shower and get into my cuddle clothes.
When I got into bed, she was facing the other way, and I laid down next to her, but did not touch her. We stayed like that for several minutes until she asked why I was so far away. I touched her, and she turned over. We began to cuddle.
It was a wonderful session, but very uncomfortable for me at the same time. I questioned every move I made, every hand placement, etc. I wanted to make sure that she didn't feel uncomfortable. I think she probably had the same fears in her mind as well.
Our hesitation eventually melted away and I think we ended up having a great session. We even ended up with my head resting in her lap, which felt extremely intimate.
We have continued to not communicate as often, and we seem to have reached a comfort level we are both ok with. We have another session scheduled in a couple of weeks, so we will see how that goes.
I'm hopeful.
Yes I’ve had a Cuddler cross boundaries. Firstly I expected 1 Cuddler.
@Mr_Cuddle_Bear Out of curiosity, was this individual an enthusiast or a professional?
I would not restate my boundaries four times to a potential cuddler. Once is enough. If I have to state it a second time, they clearly do not respect my boundaries.
I’m a massage therapist. We sometimes deal with this, too, so I speak from experience.
@Catloaf I would love to see a post on client safety. I have referred to this a number of times in some of my long posts, feel free to borrow anything from them. These comments were based on my own experience or first hand accounts from other cuddlers.
There's nothing wrong with your own opinion, as long as it's labelled as such
I’ve had a couple of pros make assumptions and say things things such as oh you’re seeing a pro cuddler and you’re married so your wife must not be affectionate which is not the case at all.
I would consider that pushing a personal boundary although I let them know that wasn’t the case and that topic ended very quickly.
I also had a pro call me prior to the session with her boyfriend on the line. He just wanted to help confirm who I was for her safety but I would have really preferred she would have told me ahead of time that he was going to be on the line.
Those are really the only two examples I can think of where my boundaries were pushed. They were both really very minor and not something that bothered me all that much in the end.
My boundaries are usually around time.
I'm paying a pro because I don't have to do the work of maintaining a relationship outside of the cuddling sessions.
The violation of that boundary is "relationship building" communication outside of the the cuddles. It's not really a big deal just mildly annoying.
Flagged. Reviewed. Removed. [-CharlesthePoet]
@panda619 if you wish for your cuddlers to cross boundaries, then you shouldn’t be here….
I tried my best to skim all the comments so Im not restating something that was already said but I might have missed something…so im sorry if im repeating something…
@Kenshiro2020 Ask about preferred consent practices. If it’s not at the level you need it to be, it’s your choice to walk away or state what you need in communication as a survivor. If your requests align, they’ll respond in kind. No hard feelings. Leave space in your life for the right people to tend to you. ✨hugs✨
Prob off topic.... But what if a Pro cuddler finds the client attractive. Gets turn on, then one thing leads to another.
There's been situations where pro n clients stayed has friends.
There're other where they started dating.
And then! there are other situations where What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
@chris04 - there is even 2 enthusiasts who got married on the same day they met here
@cuddles_ndream Thats really interesting. I never knew about that.
@Chris04
But what if a Pro cuddler finds the client attractive. Gets turn on, then one thing leads to another.
Morally that is abuse and legally it is assault. The professional is in a position of authority, respect, trust and care, and would be abusing that trust. The professional is in a position of being able to exert 'undue influence' and therefore the client is not capable of giving consent.
Now, of course, sometimes it's just two adults who like the look of each other, the whole thing is completely mutual and everybody is happy both at the time and afterwards. However, that is the exception (in law if not in practice) and it may not be presumed. A cuddling client is by definition a person in a vulnerable position. Some cuddling clients are extremely vulnerable.
It's not ok for doctors to have sex with patients under their care, or divorce lawyers with their clients, or sober people with somebody who is too drunk to know what they are doing. Similarly it's not ok for cuddler professionals to have sex with their clients.
This is one of the reason why sex workers masquerading as cuddlers is so problematic.
No professional cuddlers are not in a position of authority. Its the female pro cuddler who is in the most vulnerable position here, and always. She's the one who has to watch out for handsy clients, or clients who masturbate in bed or who ask for a quick bathroom break only to go masturbate in the bathroom before returning...or keep asking for them to take their pants off etc... I've heard so many stories from the kind of stuff women have to deal with. I think you're completely missing the point that clients are mostly male and professional cuddlers are mostly female. That makes all the difference. You're completely ignoring that aspect.
@Chris04 Yeah that's happened before. A pro cuddler I know ended up dating her client and now she doesn't do cuddling anymore. People are grown adults, if they want to get married and have a family they are free to do so. The only thing you have to watch out for is people who are intentionally doing this. Who are intentionally seeing clients or seeing cuddler friends just to get into a relationship. In other words using this as a dating site. Those are the people abusing the system.
But its naive to believe that two adults may never meet and suddenly realize they like eachother a lot and want to create a relationship out of the chance meeting.