Trust and Red Flags

[Deleted User]tuttouomo (deleted user)
edited August 2017 in General

I've had a number of people whom I've ended up blocking after engaging in conversation, because they eventually said they have trust issues and will not proceed forward, some have deactivated their accounts. To me it's interesting to note that they are actually not to be trusted because they engaged in conversation, got me interested, only to have wasted my time, energy, so they could just disappear. I think the minute you hear someone say "I have trust issues" or they put that on their profile - run for the hills - move on. They are just going to waste your time. They are actually those that cannot to be trusted. Anyone else had this kind of experience?

  1. How do you feel about trusting others?30 votes
    1. I generally trust people, but I am very cautious to give it until they have proven trustworthy
      56.67%
    2. I only see the good in others because that is who I am and trust is given unless it is broken
      43.33%

Comments

  • MorpheusMorpheus

    I have not had that experience. I'm curious to know why you would block them though. Did you feel that they presented some type of threat to you? Did you feel that these were fake accounts or a scam?

  • [Deleted User]tuttouomo (deleted user)

    I choose not to waste my time with people who play head games. I don't know if fake or scam... just don't care to have a connection to them.

  • AmandaTheJediAmandaTheJedi

    I have trust problems and I am not here to waste anyone's time

  • SideonSideon

    Engaging with folks online on any forum (Facebook, Amazon, news feeds, etc) is a lot like going to a family reunion: you know some folks are decent, and you know some folks are one medication shy of a psych ward, and you know you trust your own food and anything that was store bought, but do **not **risk Aunt (or Uncle) so-and-so's chili because you **know **they never wash their hands. You might be safe if you drink vast amounts of tequila with said chili.

    Joking aside, my personal policy is to trust people and being clear about my expectations and limits - I'll act accordingly when the other party does or doesn't hold up their end of the deal. That said, I haven't had to block anyone on here (knock on wood) so far.

  • [Deleted User]tuttouomo (deleted user)

    Maybe I am too hardcore about this. Maybe it's a pet peeve. I will have to look at that and check in to see if it's an area of growth opportunity for me. :). Generally however those who don't trust end up being the ones not to be trusted. That's been my experience over many years. I also think (personal opinion) that if you have trust problems, you probably won't make a good cuddler. It's such an intimate trust based thing. My 2 cents.

  • [Deleted User]chococuddles (deleted user)

    50/50 split!

    OO the excitement! :3

  • AmandaTheJediAmandaTheJedi

    You just don't understand what some people went through that made them have the trust problems, to begin with. I have been stabbed in the back by family and friends. Having trust problems doesn't hinder me in meeting people or anything else you said

  • funandadventurefunandadventure

    Dear Amanda, Trust is a fleeting thing and can be gained and lost so easily, in my Day job I cuddle my young friends ( 70 to 90+ years ) these friends all have trust issues, they come from an age when people did not cuddle unless in a romantic relationship, now as they are at the end of there life's see things so much differently. I have had so many fall asleep in my arms, we often walk in the indoor/outdoor gardens, sit and hold hands/arm cuddle it is all about human touch and my willingness to give my life energy to another being. I hope you find peace and trust with some of the community on here, There are some really great people trying to make contact and share there life sauce/energy.
    Love peace and friendship John and his trees, Auckland NZ

  • [Deleted User]tuttouomo (deleted user)
    edited August 2017

    I have been to hell and back more than one time. Betrayed by those closest, so yes I do understand the "choice" to not trust. It is a choice. I choose to be the person I want others to be with me, and those who don't trust because they have been victimized, usually become aggressors and not trust worthy. Not because they want to be, but because it's a defense mechanism and they believe they have to be. Unless they have evolved to understand the cycles of many lives and how karma plays a role in the experiences we have life after life and incarnation after incarnation. Then instead of being a victim we realize we created such reality to learn something, to mirror something, to pay a karmic debt and in so doing so, we take ownership and responsibility for our lives. Every thing is a choice. Trust is a choice between being a victim in life, or being accountable for our life. When someone says "I have trust issues" the reason I consider it a red flag is because they are actually saying "I rather blame others, than to be accountable for my own life choices". That kind of energy isn't allowed into my sphere or existence.

  • [Deleted User]Squidgy (deleted user)

    If people don't trust others its because they are having a hard time trusting themselves and inadvertently get themselves into difficult situations. They don't know 'where they end and others begin'. They have no boundaries due to repeated violation / abuse / trauma in their own life, whether physical or emotional, past or present, whether they know this or not.

    It might feel like 'messing you around', but it is not intentional at all. When a person has no boundaries, they will give themselves away SO much until they HAVE to run away / ghost people / retract as a last desperate measure to get back to themselves and feel safe. As you can imagine, its a horrible state to live in.

    All you can do is take care of your OWN boundaries.

    Your boundaries include - when, where, how long for, safe words (how to say 'stop' at any time), knowing what you need when upset / triggered / feeling unsafe, how to express your feelings and needs, likes and dislikes, what you need to know, knowing that others boundaries might be TOTALLY different to yours etc. Its never too late to start discovering your boundaries (And they change over time).

    Example of a boundary: you can forgive someone re-arranging an appointment once, but twice is too much and doesn't work for you, so you let them go. OR you might be fine with 5 re-arrangements. IT all depends how it FEELS to you. Another example - you are fine with someone massaging your right hand, but not your left (for whatever reason), so you let them know.

    Your responsibility is to enable the other person the best chance of success in respecting your boundaries by communicating clearly what they are. If a person violates a clearly stated boundary, there is either a mis-understanding, or this person is not CAPABLE of respecting your boundaries and shouldn't be in your life (or part of that life with you). And so you learn self-trust.

    Then you learn its never the end of the world when we mess it up, because we DISCOVER a boundary we didn't know we had! More self-knowledge, so we can connect with people safely and have fun.

    Its a big subject! lol. And when you take a look, a lot of us are pretty unaware of our true boundaries ;)

    Hope that helps x

  • I_am_PolyloverI_am_Polylover

    @Squidgy I like what you had to say.
    <3 Jim

  • [Deleted User]gaygramps (deleted user)

    Interesting topic, but I think we each need to own our own issues. If I can be patient with someone who seems interested in a connection, but continues to avoid with excuses or cancel multiple times, that's my choice. If another person says, cancel or turn me down a second time, I'm blocking you, that's on them. Something between those two views is probably reasonable, but own your own stuff. Don't block me for who I am or how I reacted to our interactions. Block me because you have needs that I failed to meet. But those were your needs.
    I've come to this as an older person (68 years) and being told, "You're too old." The person putting that on me isn't owning the truth. I'd much prefer hearing, "I'm looking to meet younger people." So we should try in all relationships to limit blaming the other person, and owning our own choices.

  • [Deleted User]tuttouomo (deleted user)
    edited August 2017

    That was profound and wise @gaygramps I am taking that in as a reflection and opportunity for growth. Thank you. I will add that 90% of the accounts I did block have been banned from the site, so probably not a bad judgment call afterall.

  • I_am_PolyloverI_am_Polylover

    @gaygramps Very well said.

  • [Deleted User]NJCuddleDevil (deleted user)

    I once read where women can sometimes register nervousness as creepiness. I thought this was a very interesting point although I haven't actually dived into the subject matter.

    I'm curious as to if any women have met a guy and thought he was creepy but ended up being a normal/great person?

    I was also wondering if any guys have gotten false red flags as well? I can't think of any off the top of my head..

    Although I agree there are things I hear and I think, another one of these. But I also try to be sympathetic and say, we all have our scares and problems. I would never choose anxiety and depression.

  • BuckBuck

    The very first person I booked with was a no-show. She left the site and never reached out to me. I assumed she had a bad cuddle experience. I turned down going out with friends that night since I had already booked with her. I was not upset and wished her healing thoughts for a cuddle gone bad.

    She is back on this site now. I asked her what happened and thought she must have had a bad experience? She told me she just needed a break.

    This annoyed me, no apology, no we can get together in the future, just, I needed a break...

    I blocked her. I don't wish to see her at the top of my list every time I check my mail.

    Curious, what would others do... block or not? Was I hasty?

    I have since had other cuddles and very good experiences.

  • [Deleted User]NJCuddleDevil (deleted user)

    @Buck That's a shame because these people are supposed to be professional. That was not a professional thing to do and her attitude suggests she doesn't really care about the people she cuddles with but about the money. That's a small reason I'm hesitant to pay for cuddling.

    I see blocking as an aggressive move but I certainly can understand why you wouldn't want to see that person.

  • Mike403Mike403
    edited August 2017

    Unless she's either dead, in the hospital, or in jail and can't contact you, there is no excuse for standing someone up.

  • SideonSideon

    @Buck She was a no-show, left the site, came back, and then no apology or nada? Not only a poor level of professionalism, but immature too. No pun intended, but sounds like cuddling isn't her calling.

  • BuckBuck

    I can see how blocking can be seen as an aggressive move but I thought it would be better to just forgive, forget and move on rather than dwell on the lack of contact. I'm on this site because I like touch, I didn't want to get into a war of words with anyone. Life is short enough.

  • funandadventurefunandadventure

    Dear Buck, Your words are so true, well done move on, there are so many good companions on here and keep trying to find a cuddle friend. They are out there.
    Love, peace and friendship, John NZ.

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