How many postponements are too many?

nurturingmannurturingman
edited September 2021 in General

I don't like postponements. I like to schedule time and follow through with plans. I very rarely postpone or cancel any personal or business plan. I look forward to scheduled events, even if it's just a phone or video call, and I feel disappointed when people don't keep them. Since starting to plan cuddles and video chats before cuddles, I have had several people postpone two or three times, and have gone back-and-forth messaging with people about making plans for weeks and months. I am not used to this. Is it too impatient of me to feel "I don't have time for this"? I mean "Ain't nobody got time for that!" Am I right? 😅 Seriously, though, is it unusual to want to stop making plans with someone after one or two postponements at most? I understand that things come up, but when people postpone, cancel, or don't call, text, or show up, I perceive that they don't want me, or they want me but aren't ready for me, and I feel unwilling to be strung along; I want to cut my losses. I'm probably taking things too personally — it's probably about them, not me — but I'm tired of it. How do you handle it?

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Comments

  • MelancholyMelancholy

    been there. Its hurtful when someone postpones or cancels over and over again. I know sometimes its a legit reason and can't be helped.. I once had a cuddler pro do that so often that I realized in a year for each time she actually kept our appointment there were two cancellations.
    When I pointed it out, she said I can see someone else.

  • MelancholyMelancholy

    here's a song I listen to that seems relevant:

  • SoftHairForDaysSoftHairForDays

    @nurturingman - after 1 postponement I could understand why you might think they aren't interested (but ok - things come up, of course, so yeah - maybe it's too soon to think they aren't interested). Then it gets to 2 or 3? Come on. Sounds like some people might be playing games, TBH. I've gotten messages asking if I'm available that day, and then no response back when I reply back with other suggestions. Then when they want to try to book again (a same day booking - surprise surprise) they expect me to be free when they hadn't even replied to my previous message. 👎 I feel like some people on here aren't considerate of other people's time and only think about themselves. Keep in mind the people I'm talking about that have messaged me for same day sessions haven't really even taken any time to say anything at all besides "Are you available today?" so it isn't like I've talked to them a bunch of times on here or anything like that.

  • TheMidnightOwlTheMidnightOwl

    Try not to read into other people’s motives unless you want to waste a lot of time and energy. It doesn’t matter. If it doesn’t work for you, it doesn’t work for you. Find the non-flakes and invest there.

  • CuddleDuncanCuddleDuncan Mod

    It's not about you. If it was, you wouldn't hear from them again.

    Neither is it about legitimate reasons. People cancelling because of that are relatively easy to spot because the behaviour patterns is based in reason.

    The ones that are bothering you are the irrational ones. Many of them are essentially living in the moment. At this moment they want a cuddle session, so they try to book one for right now. Or perhaps in a couple of days. Either way, in a few hours time their mood will have changed, and therefore their 'plans'. This can happen an infinite number of times. Your mission is to develop the ability to spot the difference between the ones who will turn up to a booking within a reasonable number of attempts, and those who won't. This isn't easy, and you will never get it 100% right.

    A few are fantasists of some kind. They get a kick out of making a booking and then mucking you about, or booking so they can have a fantasy session in their minds. None of these will ever turn up to a booking.

    Particularly amongst younger people there can also be a culture of 'multibooking'. The mobile phone, and the accompanying large networks of acquaintances, mean that they all construct a large number of provisional bookings for all kinds of activities, all the time. They choose which one to attend at the last minute. This works well amongst the network - everybody is always cancelling on each other, but it doesn't matter because nobody takes appointments too seriously, everybody knows this, and everybody has 97 other options anyway. It does not work for people outside the network. The problem individuals are the ones who cannot distinguish between appointments within the network and those outside.

  • JoyfulHeartJoyfulHeart

    @nurturingman I can relate to what you are saying. I know that things come up unexpectedly, but I can remember maybe one time in the last couple of years when I've needed to cancel plans on someone else.

    If someone cancels on me once, I try to give them the benefit of the doubt, but if it happens a second time, I'm unlikely to keep trying.

    For me, part of the joy of a cuddle is counting down the days, and the countdown is no fun if I'm constantly worrying whether it will actually happen or not.

  • LovelightLovelight
    edited September 2021

    Go with what you feel is right for you. If you ain't got time for it, you ain't got time for it.

    Sometimes the reasons are genuine and you could go case by case and if the person is making plans followed by postponing rather than saying they aren't able to meet soon off the pat cause of this or that, then it gives me the impression that:

    1. The person isn't good at managing their time and makes plans at inconvenient times.

    2. He or she is going through so many unpredictable things which there's really no way * for them to know. Though I guess even busy people gotta cuddle. So the person is still trying to get their cuddles. You decide for yourself your tolerance. You aren't wrong for being unable to wait again and again constantly being let down. Even if they have genuine reasons. After all, they are especially strangers I take it.

    3. They could be using genuine reasons to disguise their lack of interest in you. Which is awful. Unfortunately been there and especially being so naive, I wanted to be supportive of him and not seem "impatient" or what have you for dropping someone going through such hard time. Eventually the truth came out that he essentially had no interest to meet me. So no, you aren't bad for not having the time, emotional, or mental resources to deal with that.

  • LovelightLovelight

    @DimpleGirl Same day plans with a pro, especially assuming that they've not even made a deposit yet and just talking about it, I'd say is a big red flag for time waste ahead. If they do make a deposit though haven't even taken a bit of time to chat and ask questions, then still a red flag to me that perhaps they aren't even here for the right reasons.

  • GirlaloneGirlalone

    Could be anxiety 😥
    I get that. I’ve only had two people I cuddled with through here. One was scary the other was a pleasant experience. But I was anxious for both.

  • CallMeMikeyCallMeMikey

    I've had many sessions with pros, over the course of about ten years now, postponed but immediately re-scheduled. That being said, if they cancel at the last minute, and even if we immediately re-scheduled, and they cancel a second time in a row, that's the end of it. That's when I tell them to let me know if they want to get together sometime. And I never hear back. I'm typically scheduling a session at least four or five days ahead. My time is also valuable.

  • Dante2Dante2

    When it comes to pros I treat them like any other professional. Booking and appointment something may happen for 1 reason or another. But after that they aren't acting like professionals so I am not interested. Some pros on here are likely to treat this as a hobby. When they provide a date or time they may not block that time out to make sure they can make the appointment.
    When it comes to other enthusiasts you should probably be a bit more lenient. You would be lesser on the priority list. Be frank and ask them if they are actually ever going to follow through with the plans.

  • nurturingmannurturingman

    Thank you all so much for your replies so far! So many have responded, I hope you don’t mind that I don’t mention you each by username. 😇

    I think one’s tolerance for postponements is akin to one’s touch tolerance. In cuddling, there’s never anything to feel bad about if you don’t like to be touched in a certain way. In Cuddle Party lingo, you’re either a yes to a touch or a no to it. Asking myself whether I’m a “yes” to continuing to negotiate with someone who is not forthcoming, I find that I’m a “no.” As in a Cuddle Party, I may change my mind at any time, but for now I know my answer, and I thank you for your support!

  • littermatelittermate

    Doesn't matter to me, if it's more than one I suspect that despite their best intentions, they aren't the connection for me. Clearly they are too busy, too disorganized, too chaotic or too unlucky to be a good match for my precious time. And, there are always exceptions, like for some reason one feels one just HAS to meet this person and one'll go to any lengths, but nah, don't have time or interest for that kinda thing personally.

  • sunnysideupsunnysideup

    Because of how I value my time, more than one postponement is too much for me. One postponement is understandable, things can happen. For things to happen twice in a row usually indicates something on their side rather than luck.

  • [Deleted User]StarCaptSilas (deleted user)

    It depends! I'm pretty flexible with postponements. The job I work and life I live sometimes will cause a postponement, but I go the extra mile to communicate. If postponements are coupled with lack of communication--which is rare--then I'll end up canceling all together.

  • [Deleted User]Moxytocin (deleted user)

    I feel like in personal life people are like this lately too, no one likes to commit to plans. For cuddling - DEPOSITS. This is why I'm adamant about getting them to confirm an appt.

  • nurturingmannurturingman

    @MaineCuddle My first paying client paid in full in advance but then kept postponing. Three months and three cancellations/postponements later, I just couldn’t take it anymore. I refunded their money and told them so. Each time they canceled more than 24 (or even 48) hours in advance but then would take a long time to book again because there was always some reason they couldn’t cuddle. For three months! I just found I couldn’t engage with that anymore.

  • MorpheusMorpheus

    For me personally, if they postpone once, things happen, no big deal but if they do it a second time, I’m done. I’ve only had a pro postpone once. We rescheduled and she gave me a free hour which was a nice gesture.

  • LovelightLovelight

    @nurturingman gosh sorry to hear that, it definitely reeks of playing games. -_-

  • nurturingmannurturingman
    edited September 2021

    @Lovelight I wouldn’t exactly call it “playing games“ because to me that implies some level of mischief. I think that for one reason or another — and it was always something — they just couldn’t manage. I guess you could call it a kind of game playing, though, because in the end I felt I just couldn’t “play the game” anymore.

  • [Deleted User]Moxytocin (deleted user)

    @nurturingman You're figuring out what you're willing to tolerate and what your non-cuddling time is worth. You'll come up with new policies as these things happen. Whether you implement cancellation fees or honor the deposit (or prepayment) for a set number of times or length of time, just keep adding to your policies page on your website. Then you'll have it to refer to and make sure potential client's have read your policies before they deposit.

  • [Deleted User]Moxytocin (deleted user)

    Just realized this could be part of the annoying posts thread. Annoying post ponement. 😂

  • adorable48adorable48

    I once had someone postpone on me. There was excuse after excuse ( as she said she was on her way.) She showed up a week later.

  • Bella_SeraBella_Sera
    edited September 2021

    I think it’s a mistake to take this stuff personally, especially as a pro. I agree with @FunCartel’s comments on the profile deletion thread. It’s exceedingly rare that a client ghosting or deactivating or rescheduling is really about you. There certainly are some disingenuous people out there who enjoy the attention that accompanies making a booking and have no sincere intention or ability to actually see you, but in my experience, a lot of the folks that come off as kind of a hot mess are just struggling with something.

    I remember going through difficult periods of mental health after I lost my leg and really struggling to keep appointments. I was devastated by the loss of identity, mobility, independence, etc, and sometimes I was so deep in the hole that I couldn’t even handle meeting with the people (like my therapist or my prosthetist) who were trying to pull me out and help me get my life back on track. I am so grateful for the professionals who gave me grace and kept their doors open. They weren’t pushovers about it—they gave me ultimatums—but they looked past that outward behavior to the need.

    I try to pay this forward with my clients where I can. I stay zen about it by reminding myself that I can choose whether or not to be offended by cancellations. My value is inherent, clients’ failure to recognize that doesn’t diminish it. Getting upset doesn’t help me help my clients and blocking or blacklisting someone who has asked to reschedule doesn’t help my business, it only prevents me from ever making that “sale.” So often I see other pros putting these so-called “time-wasters” on blast because they feel angry or hurt about the cancelation, but I don’t see how that helps anyone. Every business has a certain amount of “waste” or “spoilage.” There are always losses of time or product that are not fully in your control and smart business owners plan for that when they’re setting prices or making schedules. When those losses become unacceptable, they don’t get angry, they just put more safeguards or backstops in place to mitigate them.

    It’s sucks getting burned by a cancellation when you have traveled a distance or pre-paid a hotel room, but there are tools (like deposits) that can protect you against those risks. You can also buffer your time against people who have been known to cancel by always carrying something productive to do so that your time is never wasted.

    Alternatively, you can relegate chronic reschedulers to your blocks of flex time. I developed this strategy with my college students who no-showed to meetings. They might lose the privilege of “booking” me, but they’re still welcome at my open office hours. I might tell a notoriously flakey client, for example, that I cant take pre-bookings anymore without a deposit, but that if they are free 12-8 on Saturdays (which I generally reserve for cuddling), that they’re welcome to try me day of to see if I have an opening. I don’t count on them, but sometimes I’m pleasantly surprised.

    This isn’t foolproof. Ultimately, as a professional, you do have to learn that not every prospect is a good client, but eventually the scammers (with no intention to ever book) become easy to spot and ignore. The rest can be sorted with strong closing tactics. Not everyone who looks in your proverbial shop windows is obligated to buy. If you think the back and forth is taking too much of your time, expedite or automate it. Some pros post their real-time availability on their profile each week. Others like @ElleCuddleMi cleverly use only calendar apps that allow clients to view availability and book her online. Set an appointment, ask for payment, send an intake form for them to fill out and return. Keep moving them through the steps. If they fall off and fail to follow through at some point, you haven’t lost time, you’ve saved it by filtering out someone who isn’t actually a client. That doesn’t mean the person is evil or the dreaded “time waster,” it just means they’re not your client.

    By the way, @nurturingman, I’m confused about why you returned the deposit. That was your safeguard against the rescheduling… Most pros who want to be compassionate just apply the balance to a future session. Doesn’t returning it defeat the purpose?

  • LovelightLovelight

  • Bella_SeraBella_Sera

    That was some skillful shade, @Lovelight 😂

  • CuddlyRetireeCuddlyRetiree

    a couple of years ago a cuddle postponed or canceled three times. when we finally did meet on the fourth appointment it was the best ever cuddle up to that point. we cuddled three more timed over the next two years without any further postponements or cancelations.

  • nurturingmannurturingman
    edited September 2021

    @BellaSera thanks for your detailed and insightful reply! And I didn’t know about your leg. Thanks for your honesty in sharing that part of your life story.

    I honestly don’t think it’s so much a matter of “taking it personally“ as it is I just can’t handle the buildup and letdown anymore – especially since this has been, in my four months of being a pro, the one and only paying client I’ve had who has booked any session with me at all. I returned the payment because each time they postponed, it was more than 24 hours in advance, so it wasn’t so much a matter of losing work as it was having my first paid cuddle session to look forward to and then having it not materialize. I don’t think in any way that they were toying with me, disrespecting me, or stringing me along, per se. I really think it was more just that they weren’t ready, and I wasn’t willing to wait anymore. That may be a shortcoming of mine at this time, but I reached my limit.

    I know I have a lot to learn as a pro. I just wish I actually had some more of my own professional cuddling experience to learn from. If anyone reading this would be willing to mentor me privately, I would truly appreciate it. I have mentored a lot of interpreters in my 31-year career in that profession, so I’d like to think I paid it forward, though I don’t know that that applies to another profession. Anyway, thanks to everyone who has responded so far and who will respond after this!

  • nurturingmannurturingman

    BTW, @MaineCuddle ”Just realized this could be part of the annoying posts thread. Annoying post ponement.” Ha! 😂

  • LovelightLovelight

    @nurturingman it is okay to have had enough and take yourself out of a situation that isn't for you. You don't need to justify it, it doesn't make you bad and I get it as I've been through a similar situation. It is hurtful and you don't need that hurt let alone over and over again. Along with the anxiety that comes with it, wondering if they'll follow through this time.

    Also the fact that this person was capable of cancelling in time so that they don't lose any money. Though couldn't plan their time properly to actually meet you, makes me think they didn't care about your feelings or weren't even thinking about it. Anyway, reminder: “Givers have to set limits because takers rarely do." - Henry Ford.

    PS. The customer is not always right. So it's not always your responsibility to do something differently and by the sounds of it, you did more than enough.

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