How to start conversations first time .

Ahmedali999Ahmedali999
edited October 2021 in General

I have lack of communications or communication difficulties. and very isolated from people. I have dated many times but all failures. I don't know how to engage or start discussions with people. first time I meet strangers i have no clue what to say? very boring. What's your name?🤔 weather is nice, where u from?, i have no conversations and it's part of my life problem . ☝️ What people usually talk about and make themselves sounds interested?
It's biggest part of my mental problem.

Comments

  • BabichevBabichev
    edited October 2021

    Good question. Sometimes I find it easy, other times not so much. It depends on a lot of things but probably most important are the mood I’m in at the time and what the other person is like. Some people are easy to converse with, they are open and respond well when asked questions. Others hardly respond and that doesn’t help.

    One thing I do is observe the person and look for things that might get them talking. I might say to a woman, “That’s a very interesting necklace you’re wearing, is there a story behind it?”

    If I meet someone who is not from my city, I’ll ask them what brought them here and to tell me about where they are from. I think the key is looking for openings, being curious about the person and asking them open-ended questions about themselves.

    It also depends on the situation. In what context are we meeting for the first time? That can lead to some obvious questions.

    I just googled “How to start a conversation” and this is the first thing that came up.

    https://www.indeed.com/career-advice/career-development/how-to-start-a-conversation

    I think that, like anything, the more you do it the better you get at it. Several years ago I met a 19 year of college student who made it a point to start conversations with people, even if it was just to pay a compliment to the barista making his cappuccino. His reasoning was this: if it became easy for him to make conversations with people, then when he met a girl he wanted to get to know better it would come easily to him and not be awkward. He was right. And I’ll tell you something: he was operating with a physical handicap. He did not let that get in the way.

    I can think of some really interesting ways of making it a practice. In fact, I may try this myself: Tomorrow I’m going to the store and I’m going to buy an inexpensive bouquet of flowers. Then I’m going to an art fair that is occurring and I am going to approach people and say, “Excuse me, but I’m a shy person and I’m trying to get over it. May I give you this flower and may I speak with you for 2 minutes?” And see what happens. What do you think? I’ll let you know how it goes.

    Of course, one advantage I have is that I’m an old white lady and almost no one is afraid of old white ladies. I think men approaching women they don’t know have to exercise some caution but if you approach older women or men, it’s not going to appear like you’re going to pick them up.

    What do you think?

    P.S. If you need more of an excuse, you can say, “Excuse me, I’m doing an experiment for a friend. May I give you this flower and talk to you for two minutes?” And then have a timer on your phone so they see you really mean only two minutes. We can compare notes.

  • MorpheusMorpheus

    If it’s the first time I’m meeting someone, I may notice something about them that I can use as a conversation piece. Let’s say I see a guy and he’s wearing a shirt or hat from a sports team, I can use that to start a conversation. If you see someone with a dog, most people really love their dogs, that’s a great conversation piece. Ask them about their dogs. Im extremely friendly so it’s not difficult for me to talk to people and I can usually quickly find something to talk about.

  • Ahmedali999Ahmedali999

    @Babichev thanks for the link and advice.
    yes depends on person to person.
    Good idea to point at things in an interesting way.but mine is sounds like I'm creating its boring because I don't have sense of humor. But it's good tips need to practice with time it's will be natural.
    Meeting someone from different city,country always easy because you curious about everything in thier country and wants informations both parties.

    The practice it's better and engaging more but that would require a self confidence.

  • Ahmedali999Ahmedali999
    edited October 2021

    @Morpheus for you it's easy because you are outgoing friendly people.
    I'm super quiet. i don't think I'm outgoing,friendly,have sense of humor. Which is bad

  • CuddleDuncanCuddleDuncan Mod
    edited October 2021

    @Ahmedali999 you are talking about this in public, and so I hope you don't mind me saying this in public. If you do, please accept my apologies, tell me, and I'll delete it once. But I think this might be helpful for you and it might be helpful for others in your situation.

    We have met once in person. On the basis of that meeting I would like to dissect your remarks.

    I'm super quiet.

    Simply not true. You were chatty at normal volume. At times I could hardly get a word in.

    i don't think I'm outgoing,

    On the contrary, I thought you were very outgoing. You talked about personal things openly and, it appeared to me, easily.

    [I don't think I'm] .... friendly

    Again, you couldn't have been more friendly. You saw me first and when I saw you, you were already smiling at me. (I immediately smiled back, I couldn't help it.) You thrust out your hand to shake when I was still eight feet away. You could not possibly have been more friendly, it was a lovely welcome to me and I greatly appreciated it.

    As for sense of humour, it wasn't really a joky occasion so we didn't really see any of that from either of us.

  • CuddleDuncanCuddleDuncan Mod

    The key pattern of conversation with somebody new is this:

    • Respond to their last remark or answer their question
    • Say something interesting about yourself
    • Ask them a relevant and open question

    @Babichev's advice is excellent as usual. I have done exercises similar to the ones she suggests and they work very well.

    @Morpheus makes an excellent point - use something about the person as a starting point. Say something nice about that thing, add something relevant about yourself, and then ask a relevant, open question.

    The Queen is very good at this because she does it all day long for a job. However, even she gets stuck sometimes. Her final emergency back-up question is "Have you come far?"

    On dates and similar occasions, the essential thing is not about the conversation, it's about you. Are you interested in this person as a fellow human being? If you are, you will be fine. If you do not take an interest in the world around you - and most people don't - it's a lot harder. So, be interested.

  • blisscuddlesblisscuddles

    Familiarity breeds comfort. Introverts tend to prefer 1-1 vs a group. Even in 1-1, if it’s a person with some familiarity even online it makes it a bit easier in person for first time. Those conversations help give context and topics for conversation starters and breaking any awkward silences.
    Speaking to others, 1-1 or group, comes through confidence. That’s the hardest part because we tend to over analyze what we would say and therefore say nothing at all. Finding a local chapter of organization like Toastmasters could give a venue to learn and practice in a safe space. Gives you opportunities to form your thoughts and learn to be comfortable. The more you do it, the more fluid your thoughts and expressions become. Body posture also plays a big part in the feeling of confidence Those give you great opportunities to practice ‘Fake it till you make it’.

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel
    edited October 2021

    The golden rule is listen more than you talk. If you listen you will know what to talk about naturally.

    And this ties in with pros that are exceptional vs. ones that aren’t. The ones that view themselves as surrogate cuddle pillows and have nothing to offer verbally besides “whatever you want to talk about” look substantially less competent than a pro that can cuddle and bring something to the table mentally. A good example of the latter is @BellaSera. She can cuddle and converse on any level. A top shelf cuddle pro.

  • Ahmedali999Ahmedali999
    edited October 2021

    @CuddleDuncan depends on person to person. my pro and u are easy going,☝️ also very wise . which is easy to talks to and u 2 don't find me not boring.
    From 10 people maybe I'm ok with 2 people to find conversations.
    Quiet person are talkative to the right people.
    I know a lot about your personality, humanity because my cuddle body the one u support appreciates you and tells me alot about your help and support which I'm very amazed. And i was very comfortable to talk to you. It was nice to meet you anyway.
    The key pattern of conversation with somebody new is this:

    Respond to their last remark or answer their question
    Say something interesting about yourself
    Ask them a relevant and open question
    Excellent 👌

  • Ahmedali999Ahmedali999

    @blisscuddles Toastmasters i never heard of it but it's useful to joints them to break the fear. Body language i started doing 2 years ago which makes me deceive the person I'm talking to makes myself sounds interesting 😁

  • Ahmedali999Ahmedali999

    @funandadventure The golden rule is listen more than you talk. If you listen you will know what to talk about naturally.
    Amazing but have problem with concentrating because my minds wonder somewhere else which I can't help it and it causes me lots forgetting and distracting. I live in day dreams sometimes I screw up everything 🤣.
    Seconds i always cut and in a rush but need practice.

  • MorpheusMorpheus

    I’ve thought about joining toastmasters, it sounds amazing.

  • sethryan44sethryan44

    Don't be autistic like I am lol. In all seriousness, find a common interest you share with another person and just talk about it together. The conversation should just carry itself from there.

  • Ahmedali999Ahmedali999

    @Morpheus 👌
    I have doubts i am 🤣 what's are your symptoms or sort of autistic if ok to say?
    I'm doing lots of research .
    Common interests comes naturally. With me only 2 from 10 people I can find them easy to talk to.
    When I was young I never talk people ask me why u quit then I have no answer .
    now I start to talk . With some people i creat it's not natural.

  • cuddles_ndreamcuddles_ndream

    find a common interest you share with another person and just talk about it together. The conversation should just carry itself from there. @sethryan44 I completely agree with this!

    You don’t even have to try to impress … just be yourself, be mindful of them, everyone’s different & just know that not everyone will click with you, or take a liking to you, and at the same time many people will … but quality over quantity always! …

    @Ahmedali999 i don’t even have to wonder with you, you are so true to yourself & veryyyy honest ….. there is no pretending or facade whatsoever … one of the most genuine persons I’ve ever come across, regardless if we agree or disagree on a topic or whatever the case may be. This is very valuable trust me.

  • Ahmedali999Ahmedali999

    @cuddles_ndream I appreciate that. There are members here who are wise, supportive and willing to help which makes it ok ask to find solutions for problems I face.
    Human needs human in life.
    Every problem have solutions ☝️ but needs alot work and efforts to break them.

  • Ahmedali999Ahmedali999

    @Bavaria thanks for useful link
    https://www.indeed.com/career-advice/career-development/how-to-start-a-conversation

    How to start conversations:

    Ask for information.
    Pay a compliment.
    Comment on something pleasant.
    Introduce yourself.
    Offer help.
    Ask for help.
    Mention a shared experience.
    Ask for an opinion.
    Praise the person.
    Show genuine interest.
    Ask about them.
    Make an observation.
    Comment on the weather

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