Complimenting a females looks

MorpheusMorpheus
in General

I went to get a beard trim yesterday and the hair stylists at this particular place are all female. The girl who was available to trim my beard, I hadn’t seen for quite awhile, I noticed she had lost some weight and had obviously been working out and looked amazing. I wanted to compliment her but felt weird about complimenting a girls looks in front of a room full of her female co workers and specifically about weight loss. My question is, do you think it’s bad to compliment a girl on weight loss and also is it bad to compliment a girls looks in a room full of her female co workers? My wife ended up walking in when I was almost done, she had been shopping next door. My wife immediately told the girl she looked amazing which gave me my opportunity to pay my compliment and it was all no big deal but it was initiated by another female and not by me. Opinions please.

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Comments

  • CuddleDuncanCuddleDuncan Mod
    edited October 2021

    It is always rude to compliment people on their looks.

    If you'd like to compliment somebody that's great, but you should never do it unless you know them well enough to understand the context in which the compliment will be received.

    People can't help how they look in general, and therefore it is not an appropriate topic for a compliment. Compliments should be about something that the person themselves can influence. If you happen to know that somebody has worked hard on exercising, and you know the background, that might be a suitable topic for a compliment.

    So yes, it is always bad to compliment somebody on their weight loss unless you are intimitely acquainted with their view of themselves and their weight loss story. What if the weight loss had been due to cancer? Your wife may of course have known the story, in which case it's fine for you to join in.

    I appreciate that this view will be unfashionable, but it is the culture in which I was brought up.

  • [Deleted User]Cuddleslikeapro (deleted user)

    It depends on a lot of things. Like the age gap, how attractive you are, and your mannerisms. Generally speaking.

  • MelancholyMelancholy

    Duncan you're confusing looks with body.

    People can greatly change how they look by changing their makeup or their outfit. That definitely deserves noticing. Some people put a lot of effort into their appearance.

    If its someone you have seen before and not a totally random stranger there is nothing wrong with saying hey you look great. Nice to see you !
    It depends how you say it and what you say.
    Don't say nice boobs. Say nice outfit.
    You can compliment their appearance without specifying their body parts.

  • Sheena123Sheena123
    edited October 2021

    It’s totally ok to compliment someone’s looks. It just depends what it is and how you say it. I find complimenting innocent stuff is fine. When guys come up to me and we’re introducing ourselves, I see nothing wrong with someone saying “nice to meet you, you look great btw”. In some way. But some guys just say it so creepily like they are objectifying me. I’ve had way too many guys that I don’t know at all come up to me to say the grossest, dirtiest things, but if we relatively know each other, there’s nothing wrong with mentioning my new haircut, or how nice my outfit is or that I look great in general. I don’t really like when someone says “you look like youve lost weight” because I’m insecure and it will make me think “oh my god, was I fat before?” (I’m dumb that way lol).
    Unless I’m comfortable with you, I don’t like weight being brought in. And I think it’s obvious for the caring men out there not to compliment sexually. 🙄 you’d be surprised how many men have “complimented” me in very “sexual assaulty “ ways …

  • MxSmithMxSmith
    edited October 2021

    I think your instincts are right @Morpheus, its not a good idea to comment on anyone's body weight. I'm on the same page as @CuddleDuncan . A person's relationship with their own body is extremely personal and it can be pretty dangerous to insert your views on their body (even with the most sincerely positive of intentions)(intention and impact are not the same thing!). I'm extremely body positive and I believe in supporting every body type, but I still personally have to convince myself that it's ok for me to exist in a swimsuit in the body that I have and the very last thing that I want to hear is someone else's comment or even acknowledgement about how I look. I'd rather be invisible or never go to the beach again than have someone tell me how they think I look in a swimsuit, good or bad. Even looking at an awkward photo of myself can send me in a spiral of self-loathing. Commenting on body weight can trigger life threatening eating disorders. A person might look great to you but in fact is starving their body and obsessively working off every calorie they eat and could be in a severe depression. They might have had a miscarriage. They might have a million unhealthy reasons for weight loss. Thin does not mean good, fat does not mean bad. Every body is a good body. Help us not hate our bodies. Even with the best of intentions, you could be feeding into a brutal narrative about self-worth. I'd google "Body Positivity".

  • Ahmedali999Ahmedali999
    edited October 2021

    It depends on person to person some might find it rude,some would makes them happy .
    ☝️ i agree with Duncan better to know the person well .
    We usually don't use compliment word in the Uk, we use praise.
    I always praise people and had 0 issues it's my nature.
    In ancient times if you praise someone rich or kings infront of public you get gifts 🎁🏆🏅💰 it's not happening in our modern time .

  • BabichevBabichev

    This kind of thing is so fraught with peril these days. I’d keep it nonspecific unless you know the person well enough to know the compliment will be appreciated. I think “You look great. Have you been working out?” is probably less problematic than asking if they lost weight for reasons mentioned above.

  • CuddleWhoCuddleWho

    It is absolutely not "always rude" to compliment someone's looks.

    Moreover, we do in fact have a great degree of influence over our body. If someone looks fit, it is very likely they worked hard to achieve their appearance.

    That said, it can be perilous. Weight loss is probably not a great topic for someone you don't know well. Easiest and less fraught is something specific about them that they chose that day - their jewelry or outfit, for instance.

  • LetsholdeachothLetsholdeachoth

    I had a woman walk up to me one afternoon while I was out eating and said she just had to comment on my nice calves. I took it for what it was, a compliment. A lot of people are so worried about other's feelings that they are afraid to say anything and that it is "always rude" to compliment another person's looks. A compliment is just that, a compliment. But now almost everything is considered creepy or sexual harassment or some people will even claim sexual assault just because the compliment is coming from someone they aren't attracted to. Are we all children? C'mon!

  • LovelightLovelight
    edited October 2021

    When in doubt err on the side of caution, especially in a context like that. Giving a general compliment in moderation, especially in such a context is safer. Like others said, I'd generally avoid commenting on someone's weight too.

    As far as I understand it, generally speaking around here in the US/Canada:

    Women complimenting women: is generally assumed she is just complimenting, isn't attracted otherwise and is straight. Unless otherwise known. Plus women are generally a lot more warm to each other. So there's usually no pressure to deal with/reject potential * unwanted * advances. And * given * that men are generally stronger than women, it carries more weight having to deal with that. Thus it could make some woman feel more uneasy, especially if she also has a history of being complimented by "nice" guys.

    Men complimenting women, generally can go:

    "Omg, is he into me? I do fancy him, hope he does too." Or: "Oh no does he fancy me or is he like just being friendly? ...... I don't fancy him. ..... Gotta try not to encourage it somehow." May awkwardly say thanks.

    However it again really generally also depends on the context, the type of compliment, tone, age gap, etc.

    Whereas men complimenting men may generally evoke: "Bruh I ain't swing that way, does he think I do?!" Or: "Thanks mate!" Again depends on the mentioned points.

  • TheMidnightOwlTheMidnightOwl
    edited October 2021

    It all depends on how you say it - verbally and with body language - and your intentions. Do it with sensitivity and kindness and not creepy or sexual overtones at all and it will most likely be appreciated. We need to normalize complimenting one another more. But yes women’s bodies have been front and center in men’s attention forever, which most of us are sick of, so I get the hesitancy and not being sure how to state it. And @MxSmith makes a lot of good points. I’m that person too who doesn’t want people commenting on my body even when it’s positive. A “you seem very well” observation/compliment that isn’t body specific is safer for acquaintances.

  • LovelightLovelight

    Also you may want to give the compliment right before you go, so she more or less knows you mean business. If you stick around for whatever reason especially given the power dynamic, it could make her feel more tense.

    For instance, I had a seemingly middle aged lady going by me who complimented me while at a hospital. I hesitantly said thank you, because I had recently witnessed people who were on mind altering meds or mentally unstable. So I didn't know where her mind was at and thus was trying to keep my distance. Anyway just as she said that, she was on her way out. Thus relieving any potential pressure. Her compliment was appreciated. Though that's just to explain that in case someone doesn't seem enthusiastic about your compliment, it doesn't necessarily mean you've done something wrong.

  • cuddles_ndreamcuddles_ndream

    If I do compliment I won’t tie it to the weight loss (or weight gain at that) this can be very touchy for many … & plus some people look better chubbier than they do thinner & Vice versa (weight loss doesn’t automatically mean they look better … (I could mention 2 celebs right now that decided to lose a bunch of weight & to me they looked wayyy better when they were chubbier …. I don’t mention them because I’m against celeb shaming , & again it doesn’t matter what I think … I hope that they’re happy & that whatever decision they took was for them & not from society expectations …. but yes I have an attraction to cute chubby ladies lol

  • MorpheusMorpheus

    Thank you all for your thoughtful comments.

  • NickoliNickoli

    If I noticed someone has lost weight and as you stated it's clear that they had been working out I would absolutely complement them. Man or women.

  • Alan2018Alan2018

    It takes effort and determination to lose weight.How wonderful when people are sensitive enough to recognize the results.

  • [Deleted User]Saysoh (deleted user)
    edited October 2021

    What I got from this, never compliment anyone. Such a weird world we live in.

    edit - profanity removed - careful, @Saysoh [-Sid]

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel
    edited October 2021

    It is only rude if you do not know how to say it properly. As @TheMidnightOwl said, if you say it in a creepy manner then yes, you will be the creepy guy. But if you say “You look absolutely fantastic! Have you been working out?” then it is acknowledging her hard work without mentioning weight. Everyone likes a PROPER compliment now and again. I said something along those lines to a colleague at our home office that I only see once a year, and she beamed the biggest grin because she said a male finally noticed—-her husband had not said a word to her about it and she thanked me profusely because she said she was going home and telling her husband to make him jealous. So actually, for me, it was kind of dangerous until I got out of town.

    I also agree with @cuddles_ndream that some people do not look better after losing weight—usually because they only dieted and did not add in physical fitness. That is when I say nothing at all.

    A lot of this entirely dependent on context. To dismiss it outright is just as wrong as automatically complimenting someone without a filter. A casual acquaintance such as @Morpheus mentioned if done without a mention of weight is great. Another way of mentioning it is saying “You look toned and very healthy, what is your secret?” because then you are asking them to share their journey and making it seem you need their advice. But it always depends on your relationship with that person. I have people I know well that if they had cancer they would tell me and not mind or think less of me, because they know I care about them. Someone that I know is easily triggered I would say nothing at all.

    In a world where so many people lack confidence, are insecure, or are lonely, a well placed compliment can mean all the world to them.

  • alexis831alexis831

    @Saysoh I agree, it is weird.
    I had a coworker that lost a lot of weight, when I saw her I told her "wow you look really good, did you lose weight?" ... And her response was very cold. I thought she looked really great but I guess she didn't like the complement. 🤷🏼‍♀️

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    @alexis831 Yeah, mentioning the weight was the problem.

  • MorpheusMorpheus

    What I have gathered from all of this is, if I have good rapport with the person, it’s okay to pay a compliment but should be mindful about the compliment. I could have casually said that she looked great and asked if she had been working out. I think we need to know our audience and listen to our emotions. If we feel that saying something isn’t the best thing to do, then it’s probably not the best thing to do.

  • Lkn2CuddleLkn2Cuddle

    I disagree, it's NEVER rude to compliment a woman (or any person) on their looks. Not doing so it would be rude AND just smacks of how messed up society is now. A lady I know spends a couple hours a day fixing her hair, makeup, choosing the right clothing etc. To not compliment her, is a clear indication your 'idea of what a compliment is', is flawed. The former president of the company I worked for gave a woman (another manager's wife) a back-handed, heard-it through-the-grapevine sort of compliment for a meal she have slaved over expressly because the president was dining at their home that evening. He didn't have the balls to tell her directly that she had prepared an awesome meal. Instead he chose to send the compliment home a few days later via the husband, who had NOTHING to do with preparing the meal. A month later the second-hand compliment still hadn't be delivered, likely never was. Did it take him 3-4 days to realize the meal was good. Not likely. Instead he was concerned about being PC. Lately female recipients of compliments seems to be befuddled by how to respond, instead of being gracious. Shame on them, Shame on anyone who is incapable of accepting a compliment. Be it a man, woman, or child accept the compliment graciously and move on.

  • NickoliNickoli

    I'll take this a step further, I compliment people even when I don't think they look their best. I know how nice it feels when someone compliments me so why not share that energy if done tastefully. I think saying congrats on a pregnancy if you are not sure is agreed to be a recipe for disaster. But the occasional I like your shirt, shoes or picnic basket. I think this is harmless. I'll take that risk. Call me crazy.

  • Mela_BMela_B

    People are all different. I personally love to be complimented on how I look. I don't think weight is an appropriate topic though.

  • [Deleted User]Saysoh (deleted user)

    @Mela_B

    Lets deep dive into that. Why do you think it's inapproiate?

    Devil's Advocate:

    It's no secret Americans are overweight and unhealthy per populus. Both male and female (including kids). So why is it so important to protect a person's sesitivity? Why is it taboo to see someone I haven't seen in a bit and ask if they've lost weight and if so, tell them they look good? Why is it so important to protect someone's feelings that are obese instead of just saying, "keep this up and you're going to die." People do it all the time with addicts, yea? Keep drinking, you're going to die. Keep using, you're going to die. But what I don't see in this conversation is, "keep eating, you're going to die." Why can't a person say, "you've looked like you've lost weight, you like great!"

  • Ironman294Ironman294

    I don’t compliment co-workers, that’s always fraught with danger.
    But others sure it’s nice to give and receive a compliment. I’ve yet to hear from someone who said it’s rude to compliment me or get angry.
    A you look lovely in that outfit or you look wonderful! Always received with smiles and thank yous

  • UKGuyUKGuy
    edited October 2021

    Any remark about a woman's looks or dress is prohibited in a work setting and probably ill-advised anywhere else. It's a shame because I used to give compliments quite often, but it's just not acceptable these days.

  • cuddles_ndreamcuddles_ndream

    @Saysoh … its very inappropriate… who are you to decide how a person should look & feel?

    Ofcourse Americans as a whole are overweight & unhealthy, but you make it sound like Americans are a bunch of lazy couch potatos … this didn’t happen by accident, did you watch the documentary fed up? It’s basically like sometime in the early 80’s or so the sugar industry, together with greedy legislators got the entire population hooked on sugar … it is also around this time that they started subsidizing wealthy cornfield owners & processing corn into high fructose corn syrup … as if the regular sugar wasn’t bad enough already … what you have is a country addicted to sugar (again not by accident ) you should really watch “fed up” it’s probably on Netflix.. & again weight is not tied into beauty, if you look good you look good & if you don’t than you don’t regardless.

  • [Deleted User]ernesto_2 (deleted user)

    Hot take: If you don't know the person well enough to know whether they were happy with how they looked before, or the reason they look different, then do NOT give a compliment.

    Not all weight loss is desired, or due to good reasons.

    Not all people want to receive unsolicited compliments about their physical appearance.

    I would recommend you do some self-reflecting on why YOU want to give the compliment, and see what attitudes or beliefs you have which make you feel it is appropriate. And then examine whether or not you know the other person well enough to know that they WANT to receive such a compliment. (Not just how they'd react, but whether they even WANT to receive the compliment).

    Remember: Your desire to say/do/give something doesn't overrule the other person's desire to hear/receive something.

  • [Deleted User]Saysoh (deleted user)

    @cudddles_ndream

    "who are you to decide how a person should look & feel?""

    I don't. I'm trying to undertsnad this whole when to compliment and when not compliment thing.

    All these variables are in play now in this thread including coworkers. I get compliments on my color all the time. Never once have I ever felt offended.

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