@Saysoh "I get compliments on my color all the time. Never once have I ever felt offended." Good... not everyone is you. People have different comforts and if you choose to disregard people's comfort and being considerate about how others feel, then that's on you.
And this is exactly why men seldom if at all approach women because we have no idea who is going to be offended just for us saying hello to them and trying to be nice. Too many damn variables.
And people wonder why I only leave the house if I have a paying gig…
@Saysoh I don't comment on people's weight because I don't want to accidentally hurt someone's feelings.
I'm very sensitive if a beautiful woman compliments me 😍 i get very excited ☺ be happy for 3 days . I like sweat words. like u so cute,very big problem.
I guess my whole point is this:
(To a random stranger)
"I love that shirt on you, it suits you well."
Random stranger:
"I'm offended."
Do you see where this is going?
If you know someone decently well, why can't you compliment on them if they've obviously lost weight? Why can't you say they look great?
At what point was there this paradigm shift that lost sense of community that ultimately created isolation? I mean, let's be real, obesisty is fucking unhealthy, yea? One of the leading deaths in the US and we're worried about protecting someone's insecurities about weight to the point we don't compliment them when they make effort?
Let's just all be strangers then. 'Murica. At some point, people are just going to have to look at themselves in the mirror and if shy from that, out of mind, out of sight (yes, I'm aware I switched the cliche).
Not playing Devil's Advocate here.
@Saysoh
Chaos theory explains that complex systems, especially systems that integrate multiple systems, are inherently prone to failure.
Our society has begun to reach that point.
It will collapse in strange ways, and then basic biology will correct it.
Likely painfully.
For folks feeling angry that their presumed “compliments” on people’s bodies are not being appreciated or “taken graciously,” gently ask yourself what your goal is in giving a compliment?
Is it to make the receiver feel good, or is it to make yourself feel good?
@CharlesThePoet
I hope you're right, as painful as it may be, it's probably equally painful we've somehow put ourselves in isolation even when people try to pick us up.
@BellaSera I'm not a selfish peson, like, at all. I'm team human and if theres any way I can make a person's day better, even if it's just complimenting shoes (men and women), I try an do it. My goal, is to make anyonje I come into contact with let them know they're part of a team because we're all going through this shit together. Bobbing and weaving all the variables makes me want to isolate and I'm extrospective as fuck.
@BellaSera Ideally a compliment should make both the receiver and myself feel good.
@Saysoh i think you make a lot of great points. Obesity is definitely unhealthy, but people also have different healthy body weights so visual indication is not good enough by itself. With the weight thing i try to be very sensitive because a lot of people have been bullied over it. Also, i didn’t know this when i was younger but some women internalize and put pressure on themselves regarding weight to such a high boiling point that any perceived negative external comment can ruin their day or worse.
@Lovelight Yeah i think some Of the negative reception of men complimenting women on looks is to try to dissuade pushy/creepy behavior. Some non-pushy guys may have been lashed out at preemptively, but I can’t blame anyone for erring on the side of caution if they’ve had bad experiences.
Good rule of thumb: if you don’t know someone well enough to know that comments on their body or appearance are going to be welcome, then just don’t do it. Seems simple enough. Why should this be controversial?
Here would be an interesting piece of research: how often do men make comments to other men on their appearance compared to how often do they make comments to women about their appearance?
@Saysoh : man to some random man, “I love that shirt on you, it suits you well.” Is that what you meant?
In some cultures, it is considered extremely rude not only to make comments on someone’s appearance but also their possessions. In fact, in some cultures if one makes a compliment on someone’s possessions, they will feel obligated to give you that possession. My friend found this out the hard way when she was working in a foreign country and made a comment on a woman’s wedding ring, which she thought was quite beautiful. The woman removed her ring and tried to give it to her. My friend was horrified! She managed to convince the woman to keep her ring but after that my friend learned to withhold expressing her admiration, not matter how much she wanted to express it, if someone had a beautiful piece of jewelry or art or whatever.
If it’s that difficult to restrain from “compliments” that might make someone uncomfortable then obviously we’re more concerned about ourselves than the person to whom we’re delivering the supposed compliments.
Here’s a thought: if a man wants to compliment a woman, compliment her on an accomplishment. “Hey, Sandy, I heard you just got you Master’s degree. Congratulations!”
Weight loss can be such a tricky thing to compliment someone on. You never know if the person lost weight due to depression, illness, or they have body dysmorphia. I always keep it safe and instead compliment things about them that I notice more due to their weight loss such as an awesome jawline! Bigger eyes, amazing cheekbones, their smile, etc.
However, the safest compliments are made towards things people can control such as an outfit, hairstyles, manicures, etc. I love going out of my way and letting people know that their shirt color makes their eyes pop or that their shoes are fun!
If you don't feel comfortable telling someone they look nice, then don't do it.... it's that simple. It means you're not familiar enough with them.
OP trusted his instinct as was probably right. His wife trusted her instinct and it went okay too....
just be kind to her and that will be just as good as a compliment.
I do not compliment women, especially in the work place, because my comments to women are often misunderstood. When I was a teenager,I did not compliment girls because I thought that boys ,who compliment girls, where phonies. The reason I thought that guys,who complimented girls were phonies was because of the TV show,"Leave It To Beaver". The TV show I watched while I was growing up. For those of you who are old enough to remember that show, the Eddie Haskell character would always make an insincere compliment such as, "That is a lovely dress you have on, Mrs. Cleaver." At an young age,I knew that Eddie was giving her a phony compliment.
@exitstageright Isn't it funny how TV impacts our thoughts? lol
I think men and women are very similar and should be treated as such... we're all humans with similar insecurities and fears. We just gotta treat each other how we wanna be treated and it usually works out well
Don't overthink it, friends!
.
@alb2049
Treating everyone with equal respect is desirable.
Treating everyone the same is insanity.
In my experience, women loathe being treated like men.
And, honestly, I’m not too fond of it myself, but I don’t have an option.
@Babichev
"Here’s a thought: if a man wants to compliment a woman, compliment her on an accomplishment. “Hey, Sandy, I heard you just got you Master’s degree. Congratulations!
Thanks for the heads up, but this takes complimenting strangers of the opposite sex completely in the no fly zone. Being an artist, I see symmetry in color and I've even complimented a woman's purse and how well it matched her shoes. Call me crazy, I know.
"man to some random man, “I love that shirt on you, it suits you well.” Is that what you meant?"
No. Literally, either sex.
:If it’s that difficult to restrain from “compliments” that might make someone uncomfortable then obviously we’re more concerned about ourselves than the person to whom we’re delivering the supposed compliments."
Or maybe, we've gotten so used to protecting feelings of others, we've created this echo chamber where we can't feel human. It's not about me I'm worried about, I'm worried about an entire population walking on egg shells from polarization creating a red sea scenario and we lose sense of humanity.
@Lovelight
We're escalating compliments to sexual harrassment?
I don't want to live on this planet anymore (that's a reference and a joke only used for effect).
Well, in that scenario, at some point only those willing to risk alienation and embarrassment will get any results, or rewards.
Simply put, ask, “What you are risking?”
In a professional or employment setting, the risk is losing employment, not to mention harassment issues.
To me that’s enough reason to never be anything but professional in any way in those contexts.
In a strictly social context, paying someone a compliment is basically a way to gauge their reaction to you.
Comparatively little risk, perhaps some rejection or embarrassment, maybe some social ostracism if your “compliment” is in fact a truly tone deaf and hideous one.
Either way, if the little voice in your head issues a danger warning it is likely right, and silence costs nothing but opportunity.
And, frankly, if you are that worried about their potential negative reaction then why bother to begin with?
"In a strictly social context, paying someone a compliment is basically a way to gauge their reaction"
I'm not sure what this means other than a person randomly complimenting someone has a hidden agenda. I still have this hope that random, short conversations since have an impact on a person's day. If I'm somehow wrong in this assumption, then I'm fucked and would have to redefine what kindness actually is, yea? So much promotion to spread kidness, but if the definition of that is ever evolving, kindness will never exist or has existed and has become a meme.
"And, frankly, if you are that worried about their potential negative reaction then why bother to begin with?"
Have you ever smiled from a random, innocent compliement? I think you're completely missing my point. My arugement is we now live in a world we can't acknowledge the people around us. Maybe I'm some anomoly that hasn't corformed to current restrictions of human interaction at the stranger level, but hope that isn't true.
I honestly don’t know.
I have never been complimented by a stranger on my appearance.
@Saysoh "We're escalating compliments to sexual harrassment?"
Watching the video in its entirety should've answered your question.
@Saysoh, no one said you shouldn’t compliment a woman’s shoes or purse… in fact, complimenting a choice someone makes (a haircut, manicure, how to apply their makeup, etc), was put forth as an alternative other, less welcome “compliments.” What is at issue, is drawing attention to someone’s weight/size/body shape or other aspects of their appearance that aren’t strictly in their control. The point is that, regardless of how the complimenter intends it, these comments can often make people feel bad.
There are always exceptions, of course, you will definitely find folks who welcome or even crave comments about fitness or weight loss, but the consensus is that it’s far more polite to err on the side of caution and avoid delivering them as a stranger.
Politeness is all about making people comfortable.
reading some of these replies makes me sad. guess we should all just keep to ourselves and never say anything nice to anyone. I am glad my time on this planet is more than half over.
Not sure if this is the time or place but @BellaSera you have amazing eyes.
Aww, shucks, @bigben 🥰
@BellaSera Hello Good Looking!
I will always exclusively comment on a person’s personality and actions because a.) they have the power to change it if it is negative b.) it is more important than appearance c.) you never know how people are going to take comments on their appearance d.) all the physical beauty in the world means nothing with an ugly heart/mind/soul e.) beauty standards are always changing and created by makeup companies to keep people unhappy so that they keep buying their unnecessary and overpriced products