Ladies, if they lied about one thing...lesson learned

Cuddle_RNCuddle_RN
in General

Met for a first time cuddle this afternoon. His profile said he's single. He showed up with a wedding ring. When I asked, he said he thought that was on his profile, that his wife knows, and that he's a touch person and they haven't had sex for 2 years. Foolishly I trusted him and as the movie came on, we cuddled. I held him first. He pushed boundaries, it was obvious that he's touch starved. Then he asked if he could lay his head in my lap. I consented, thinking he was going to lay down next to me and lay his head on my thigh. Instead he knelt on the floor in front of me, pulled me down using my legs, and buried his face between my legs. I was so shocked that I really didn't know what to do. Thank goodness I didn't wear a dress as I had originally planned.

He's been reported as non-platonic.

On one hand I feel sorry for him. It sucks to be touch starved. On the other hand, I'm not offering what he's looking for and if I were, believe me I'd be charging for it.

I really wish I could just offer kindness and nurturing to men and receive comfort and safety in return, without having to constantly have my guard up.

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Comments

  • [Deleted User]ernesto_2 (deleted user)

    I'm so sorry you were put through that! Being touch starved is not an excuse. Any lie whether by omission or commission is a deliberate choice. And those repeated actions that pushed boundaries, both yours and that of CC, really show why vigilance and security are so important.

    Good on you for reporting him!

  • SoftHairForDaysSoftHairForDays

    @Cuddle_RN - so gross and disrespectful! I'm so sorry. Glad you reported him. You might want to leave him bad karma, as well - to warn others until they have gotten rid of him!

    🤗🤗🤗 to you.

  • [Deleted User]WriterGF (deleted user)

    That's terrible. Women who choose to cuddle are not toys to be used or secretly offering one thing while talking about another. Sorry, I have no sympathy for him ... nothing justifies what amounts to sexual assault.

  • SoftHairForDaysSoftHairForDays
    edited November 2021

    @WriterGF - 💯

  • [Deleted User]KYtransplant (deleted user)

    @Cuddle_RN I am so sorry that happened to you. That is one of my bigger fears being a new cuddle enthusiast.

    I hope you have some options for some self-care and to re-center your well-being.

    Having been through emotionally abusive relationships as well in the past those inner self voices are downright cruel.

  • ShakeShake

    Jesus...
    I wish we lived in a world where you didn't have to keep your guard up like this either. Nothing he's going through justifies what his actions towards you. You did the right thing in stopping him from doing this to someone else. I'm so sorry you went through that.

  • TXFrankTXFrank

    @Cuddle_RN
    I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I’m new to the site, and to the cuddling “experience,” but I’m sure it happens too often.

    It really irritates me that people act like that. I came here to get the connection and human touch that almost all of us are deprived of at this point. Shame on him for assaulting you like that.

    All of you ladies, be safe out there. And guys, treat your Cuddler’s as they should be treated. If you’re unsure if something you’re wanting or planning on doing is appropriate, refer to be the site guidelines.

    If you are having trouble comprehending those, then just don’t do anything you wouldn’t want some guy doing to your mom, sister or daughter.

  • [Deleted User]WriterGF (deleted user)

    I find myself wishing at least some of these guys would end up arrested and charged. Might send a warning to the rest.

  • RadiantHugsRadiantHugs Mod
    edited November 2021

    @Cuddle_RN very sorry this happened to you. This is completely unacceptable - it's a total violation of trust, and just wrong on so many levels. He certainly did not keep his part of the agreement to keep it platonic. I do agree that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If he lied about something once - it will happen again. And again. If he did not respect boundaries once, it will happen again too. I see no reason at all to give him any slack. I am glad you reported him and hope he is booted and can't do this to anyone else!

    I understand this second thing I'm going to say sounds like a bit of a plug - but I say it with the utmost sincerity - if you are able to find a Cuddle Party (R) workshop happening near you - I really recommend attending one if you haven't already! The first part of the event is a workshop focused on boundaries and how to communicate them well - there they spend a lot of time practicing how to say no, and how to take care of yourself when somebody does violate those boundaries, inadvertently or deliberately. And it's a safe container in which to practice and hone those skills.

  • LovelightLovelight

    @Cuddle_RN so sorry to hear you've been through that! I can certainly relate to your feelings of feeling unsafe, violated and confused. I don't think that that was a "mistake", sounds quite predatory and despicable. Having no respect for you and simply seeing you as someone to try to get his rocks off. It disgusts me to my core. Like who besides the description I gave goes from virtually zero to one hundred that quickly: with no discussion and consent that can build up to, if that were to be decided down the line. NOT that that's what this site is for and nobody should be coming here with the goal to get that. You're welcome to message me if you need to talk. Hope you're taking good care.

    I doubt people like him realize how damaging that is to us or most of them probably don't care.

  • [Deleted User]Cuddleslikeapro (deleted user)
    edited November 2021

    .

  • RadiantHugsRadiantHugs Mod
    edited November 2021

    @Cuddleslikeapro in this case it was a man who lied, and violated the trust a woman had put in him. Her reaction is completely appropriate.

  • Ahmedali999Ahmedali999

    Sorry it happened to you, you are kind but ☝️ you have to practice to say no

  • RadiantHugsRadiantHugs Mod

    Shame on you @Ahmedali999 for that comment. A woman gets violated because a man misbehaves, acts in a completely inappropriate manner and you put it on her?

  • Ahmedali999Ahmedali999
    edited November 2021

    @CuddlesByDeep why shame on me ,i wouldn't respond to you,i never put it at her, saying no to confront him to stop crossing boundaries. Read and think before commenting .why is it shame to advice to say no ?

  • [Deleted User]Tazman5307 (deleted user)

    So glad you are unhurt. This could’ve been so much worse

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    @CuddlesByDeep Easy there. @Ahmedali999 is not speaking his primary language and he misinterprets some things. I know how he came across, but sometimes he is just awkward in how he says things. His sentiments are well intentioned, and he does try to put his best foot forward. Let’s be an understanding community for all rather than rushing to judgement.

    With that being said, you are right, it is not on her and I am sure Ahmed did not intend to come across that way.

  • Ahmedali999Ahmedali999

    @FunCartel you always a fair person,I'm wondering why is it shame to advice to say no otherwise the offender will cross more

  • NicoSnuggsNicoSnuggs

    That man was completely Wrong to do that to you @Cuddle_RN, and he should be removed from this website for doing something so invasive like going in between your legs and crotch with his entire face and head.

    Not only is this awful and traumatic for you (as it would be for me too if someone stuck their entire face in between my legs), but this also hurts all other men, all women, and all cuddler’s in general, and I’m sure will hurt your ability for some time to connect with others for cuddles in the future, especially to connect with men again.

    I hope that this predator is known by the site moderators and that he is prevented from toxically polluting this CC site any further; And that by him being removed, that will allow for this site and it’s members to flourish in what it provides best and most, which is the ability for people of all genders and backgrounds to connect platonically in touch and friendship.

  • RadiantHugsRadiantHugs Mod

    @Ahmedali999 sorry for misinterpreting your comment.
    @FunCartel understood and I stand corrected.

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    @Ahmedali999 Because he never asked, he just assaulted her so it was non-consensual. I am sure she said no after he did it, but the reason you were misinterpreted was because it made it seem like he asked and she didn’t give a firm no. That was not the case. He just assumed and pushed boundaries without bothering to ask.

  • Ahmedali999Ahmedali999
    edited November 2021

    @CuddlesByDeep 🤗 it's fine @FunCartel because I read he said: > I was so shocked that I really didn't know what to do

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    @Ahmedali999 i get what you are saying. Best to just offer your understanding and leave out the advice unless it is asked for. Being shocked is a natural reaction when someone violates your trust, but it doesn’t mean she didn’t say no or knock away his hands. Besides she is the victim not him. When you say “you need to practice saying no” it gives the appearance of victim blaming.

  • Ahmedali999Ahmedali999

    @FunCartel fair enough and thanks for making clear, i meant in future time to confront offenders.

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    @Ahmedali999 Offering advice can be a minefield. I understand what you are saying, and I think the OP does too, but sometimes, even if you are right in your advice, you can be wrong in the timing of it. It’s tricky

  • Ahmedali999Ahmedali999
    edited November 2021

    @FunCartel that's true it's wrong time, most important thing so far is she's ok a peacefull.

  • TheMidnightOwlTheMidnightOwl
    edited November 2021

    I really wish I could just offer kindness and nurturing to men and receive comfort and safety in return, without having to constantly have my guard up.

    👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

    @Cuddle_RN Been there. Am so sorry this violation occurred. It’s incredibly violating and terrifying to have what should be common sense/basic human respect boundaries be completely demolished. We are left shocked and asking ourselves what other violations will occur next if they feel entitled to do what they just did? Especially if I speak up or push them away from me.

    No one should ever be put into this predicament.

    Now is as good a time as any to add an urgent point that I have been encouraged to post in the forums as this issue comes up over and over and over….

    A kind reminder that this site is not Tinder. Please do not ask for, attempt, nor coerce any kind of sexual contact with others. We are NOT here to fulfill your hookup expectations disguised as cuddling, and it is not our responsibility to set and keep all the boundaries and stop you from violating them. You alone are responsible for having self control and boundaries with yourself.

    A note on consent versus coercion:
    If you pressure someone to engage in sexual contact with you at all (includes the obvious, as well as kissing, groping, touching genitals/private areas, and pressing your erection against another's body), but especially when they decline and/or ask you to stop verbally and/or non-verbally (most communication is body language - pay attention and NO comes in many forms), continuing to pressure them until they finally stop saying no or resisting does not mean they are now consenting.

    It means they are complying. The same way someone complies during a robbery.

    Complying is still sexual assault, which is a crime. I've worked in law enforcement and with sex crime victims. Sexual violation and coercion is traumatizing and leaves lifelong damage to people's trust and sense of safety. This is not a joke.

    Nobody owes you anything. Stop being entitled. Do not assume you have access to any part of another’s body under any circumstances. Unless you have verbally asked without pressure or coerciveness and were told it was okay, do not touch others or use their body to touch yours. Value and respect others as autonomous human beings with rights to their own bodies.

  • Cuddle_RNCuddle_RN

    "just don’t do anything you wouldn’t want some guy doing to your mom, sister or daughter." @TXFrank, this is perfect advice for men, thank you.

    @Cuddleslikeapro, of course both genders can lie. I direct my advice and lessons learned the hard way to women because I am a woman, and what happens to me is relevant to them as they seek to stay safe cuddling.

    @TheMidnightOwl, you are completely correct about complying, not consenting. That's exactly what happened. @warrenpeece I hope you read this.

  • [Deleted User]WriterGF (deleted user)

    Sounds to me like he belongs on a sex offender registry.

  • [Deleted User]Mandeville (deleted user)

    The proverbial ruining it for everyone jerk.

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