Well said @TheMidnightOwl
I find the cuddle space to be like a boundaries dojo for me... I absolutely use it to practice saying no! I have gotten stronger over time about standing up for my boundaries sooner. I think I'd honestly slap the guy if he did that, mostly as a reflex... but looking back at the beginning when I was first on this site, I totally relate to freezing up when boundaries are crossed. I remember wondering if I would quit liking cuddling at all.. if I would just get used to being in fight or flight mode while cuddling.
Thankfully that has improved and I've gotten wayyy better at vetting potential cuddlers.
Sending love and care, I hope this guy is off this site now, he sounds like a real gem.
@vivalalife any person doing wrong if you confront him you will scare him away, you can slap him in his hands 🤚not in his cheek unless if he's outside you can do that just for your safety so he wouldn't be aggressive.
He is not off the site. I'm waiting to hear back on my report and if nothing happens I will definitely leave him karma.
@Cuddle_RN he can delete his account and make another account with a different email, report him to the police so he wouldn't do it to others.
I think that your last point is a good idea @Ahmedali999
I really don't think the police would do anything, and I'm not sure that a crime was committed. Technically he asked permission for everything he did, and stopped when I said no. There was no direct contact with my "cave of wonders" since I was wearing jeans. His behavior was more a violation of the spirit of the law, not the law itself. I don't even have his full name anyway.
He definitely violated the TOS for cuddle comfort and does not belong here.
@Cuddle_RN I don't want to offer unsolicited advice, but I am truly sorry that you have been led down a path of mistrust from this experience. I know it can be a knee-jerk response to say "not all men!" or to suggest how you could have/should have done things differently. I just wanted to repeat my earlier message that you're 100% justified in your concern, how you feel, and what you're doing in response.
I wish you lots of luck, (platonic) love, and safety in all your future experiences with cuddles.
-Ernie
@Cuddle_RN I have to agree with @Ahmedali999 about reporting offenders to police. It's outrageous how so many people assault so many wonderful cuddlers like you, who "really wish [they] could just offer kindness and nurturing." CuddleComfort can only do so much "policing." At some point we have to call assault "assault" and report it to law enforcement.
You are the victim here, and so are all the innocent people who struggle to find people willing to trust them. Violators make the world a worse place for everyone. 😤
If a guy is looking for more, there is an overwhelming amount of hookup sites for that. Tinder is only one of many. There is only a few platonic cuddle sites, so why guys look for that here is beyond me. Isn't most the fun is when the other party is into it as well? Why do guys get off on being a creeper?
@Cuddle_RN I am very sorry that man treated you that way. I am also very happy that you decided to share your experiences and for the way you handled a very difficult situation.
P.S. I'll amend my suggestion, @Cuddle_RN , to say that I'm not telling you what to do, but that in general I think we all need to be "no more Mr. Nice Person" and take our grievances to authorities higher than just whatever website we meet these perpetrators on. Where that point of criminal prosecution is I'm not sure, but I have a sense it should be nearer than it has been until now.
@CuddleRN like everyone else, I am so sorry this happened to you. Guys like that, make other guys, in particular married guys, look bad. I truly hope you are able to take some time, as much as you need, to heal from this. Take care of yourself.
I think reporting him here and choosing to not see him again will help send a strong message about his behavior not being acceptable. @Cuddle_RN I wish you the best in your healing and whatever you decide.
@TheMidnightOwl well written and poignant, as always. I, for one, continue to be encouraged by the way that the majority of this community rally to support those who are so brave to report a violation. Thank you @Cuddle_RN for your courage.
@NicoSnuggs thanks @Cuddle_RN i know police wouldn't do anything unless there's evidence ☝️but that will tackle him because he can carry on others if nothing there to stop him, don't lose hope maybe he's already serial offender,even if not do it for humanity because someone else maybe will report him to police and they know this person been reopened befor. I already viewed your profile, u mention already is platonic and want to meet in person to feel safe, he knows already but is aggressor.
If you don't report him he will develop his crime Into something bigger. I know 1 American friend told me he Ex sexually abused her daughter and she didn't report him, she break up with him then he carried harassing her friend because they didn't report him so he can carry on and on.
Report him on profile or bad karma is ok but he can make another account. Because most members know 1 member here always get banned and make another account because he attacks pros and CC.
@Mike403 he knows there's tinder, prostitute but he's aggressor loves pure women. Crime runs in his blood. @nurturingman I agree with you it's sad also they make some women not to trust all men. I have read some women stories on internet ,some hate all men because they have been abused since they were young and have trauma.
What he did was wrong and he should be banned, absolutely. I want to ask though about the honesty part. I didn’t read every single comment so I may have missed something but how many profiles on here do you all think are 100% honest? I know of pros that list themselves as single but who are married or the other way around. I know of pros who don’t use their real names. I have had pros not want to cuddle with me because I’m married. I’ve had pros not read my profile and get weird when they come over and see that I obviously live with a female. Most of that never really bothers me because I think everyone has a right to privacy. So my questions are, what percentage of profiles do you all think are completely honest and how much does this honesty all mean to you?
I think it is very important in a profile to be honest about whether you are single or you are involved with someone. I am sure not everyone agrees with that, but that is how I feel. In general, there are enthusiasts and pros who are completely comfortable with cuddling someone who is dating/married, and some who are not -- their taste, their call. As for pros not using their real names, that doesn't bother me. They are not forming a romantic relationship with the person they are cuddling and I am sure feel a need to protect their privacy. (Hell, I have gone on blind dates with women who lied about their name.)
reading this thread starting with the OP, and now its about pros lying or not? Impressive derailment one might say🙃 Our forum is a special place.👍
I didn’t mean to make it about pros lying, just honesty in general.
@Morpheus I took it as everyone in general. It is a relevant question considering the OP’s bad experience…how much can be believed? I think this goes to having a solid vetting system that works for you.
What should that vetting system consist of?
@WriterGF Vetting can consist of chats, meet in public, video chat, or whatever it is that gives someone some shred of confidence that safety will not be an issue. And that is all vetting is…taking whatever steps are needed to feel “confident” about a situation. Since it is that person’s confidence, the vetting could very well be different from yours. That is why I said to find “a vetting system that works for you”.
But don’t hold me to that. I am baked right now so I might look back at this post in befuddlement in the morning.
Thanks. Personally, I would think it would take more than a chat. I think getting a full name and doing at least a cursory background check would be wise. There are bad people out there who can manage to be very charming.
Personally, I can understand a persons need for privacy. I am 1000% honest with everything in my profile. Am I bothered when I’ve caught other members being dishonest, not really because generally it’s more of a discretion thing than outright just lying. In the case of the OP, I’m not sure why he just wasn’t honest about being married. I’m not sure why it even matters. Everyone obviously has the right to feel how they want to feel. This is just my opinion.
@Cuddle_RN, your reaction to this unsettling event really shows the depth of caring and kindness in your soul--that you could empathize with someone who misrepresented themselves and then went on to violate your trust and assault your body says so much about the goodness of your character.
Understanding a person's motivations, though, doesn't excuse them, and I'm so glad you've taken action by reporting this guy. I'm sorry justice has been slow.
Guys, @Cuddle_RN doesn't so much need advice as empathy. She's taken the action she wanted to on this matter, she's just reaching out to the cuddle universe to lament and, to some degree, to warn.
There is a difference between discretion and deception. The man in the original post told what many perceive as a little white lie about his marital status, but the bigger lie to @Cuddle_RN (and perhaps to himself?) was not being honest about what he was actually looking for. Cuddling, especially amongst enthusiasts requires significant trust, and this guy's first like snowballed into sexual assault. I'm sure if he would have played nice, the OP might have excused his initial lie, but he didn't.
The OP can certainly do more vetting in future to stay safe, but it's interesting to me that some of the same people who have admonished her for that have questioned this new criterion that she has implicitly proposed
If someone lies to me, even about something small, I won't continue to trust them
This is a perfectly rational response in my book and it's the reason people go through the whole process of video chats and background checks. To trust but verify. OP is saying that when you encounter a lie, like she did, that should be a major red flag and you should stop the session. Good lesson--keep trusting those good instincts.
@OutOfTime
Very well expressed.
The giving of advice was discussed in another thread, so I won't rehash it here, but even well-intentioned advice can very easily be interpreted as victim-blaming, even when that isn't the intent.
Listening is a skill that offers the benefit of understanding another human being, and the benefit of helping us to learn new things.
@JoyfulHeart i understand why you made that theard about advice it makes sense to me now,before no☝️ I just been attacked for giving advice
No just sounds was seeing what he could get away. He’s the type of person who gets away with doing stuff he wants to. Even if it’s true that he hasn’t been with his wife he’s probably getting it somewhere else.