Why do people stop talking to/messaging people they’ve contacted on here?

[Deleted User]Emerald20772 (deleted user)
edited November 2021 in General

That’s happened to me a few times and I want to know why. If the person didn’t do anything wrong, why do you ghost them? And what’s up with not responding to messages? I’m not trying to sound bitter, I’m just curious as to why this happens. Not just in my case, but for others as well.

Comments

  • [Deleted User]CCBoy (deleted user)

    Agreed. If the person has an issue with the other they should at least articulate that so everyone is at least on the same page.

  • [Deleted User]ernesto_2 (deleted user)

    Honestly, if it happens to a lot of us, then maybe we aren't the issue, right? :tongue:

    I'd chalk it up to 3 possibilities:
    1. Self-Preservation. Either real life issues (good/bad/otherwise) or perceived issues (i.e. emotional attachment) created a need to stop communicating.
    2. Lack of interest. Perhaps a change in one's relationship status, or a realization that they have a different goal from the communication (free cuddles? treating CC as Tinder on the highest difficulty setting, etc) and this created a need to stop communicating.
    3. They just aren't as great a communicator as they initially appeared, or they have a naturally different communication habit than you. This is my most common obstacle with communication, as I tend to ebb-and-flow between "talk-silence-talk-silence" (which suggests I'm either not serious, or not seriously interested) or talk-talk-talk (which overloads the other person).

  • [Deleted User]WriterGF (deleted user)

    In my experience, it's usually a) something came up that is keeping them offline, like a family situation or b) they are trying to avoid confrontation. Most people would be a fine with a polite goodbye, but with some people, it's "engage and enrage" -- and since you never really know who you are talking to online, I think some folks just think it's wiser to ghost and ignore. (Not saying I agree with that, but I understand it.)

  • _marC_marC

    @ernesto_2 Great explanation! This happens us even off the cc site and I think this describes it very well

  • [Deleted User]ernesto_2 (deleted user)

    That's another good point, @WriterGF ! Sometimes ghosting is seen as the least confrontational option when wanting to cut communication.

    Sadly, that doesn't provide both parties with any sense of closure. But alas.

  • RonnyVRonnyV

    I think it's just natural as situations change. Nothing lasts forever so we should enjoy every moment while that person is there in your presence. If I have to leave I try to let them know and always keep the door open incase they return someday. If they leave without warning I try not to take it personal and wish them well on their journey.

  • Sheena123Sheena123

    There’s a reason for everything and unfortunately, you won’t always get closure.
    The only time I stop messaging back is if they’re inappropriate or if I put a lot of work into asking questions, initiating the conversation and the only answers I get back are “yup”, “nah”, “sure”.

  • [Deleted User]cbworld93 (deleted user)

    Yeah I've been ghosted a couple of times. The least one can do is say "I am not interested." But whatever. I just move on. Like others said, might be things going on on the person's end, which is fine. But for others, they're most likely not interested. I don't wanna connect with someone who doesn't express interest at all.

  • BabichevBabichev

    There are probably as many reasons as people doing it.

    No one owes us anything. They don’t owe us an explanation. This may be hard to accept but it’s true. Does it matter why they did it? Really? Obviously they were not interested enough to continue the conversation. I don’t take it personally. Just move on.

  • Mare_BearMare_Bear

    Ghosting happens on dating sites, too. I wish I knew, just say what you mean, not sure why that's so hard but I don't take it personally.

  • sunnysideupsunnysideup

    If you're just curious about the reasons, that's good, because it's a huge waste of your valuable energy if your goal is to find a good cuddle buddy/meaningful connections.

    It's appreciated when someone has the courtesy to atleast says "I'm not interested." If they give an honest reason, then I thank them for their honesty and move on. Most of the time thought, especially with the internet, people will just ghost if they want to break contact.

    There are so many possible reasons.

    1.) If they won't ever see you again otherwise, ghosting involves the least amount of effort on their part. If you guys were co-workers or something, they would probably be forced to come up with an explanation to smooth things over. Or continue communication but distance themselves

    2.) Ghosting involves the least amount of conflict. Sometimes, when people are honest and give their reason why, the other party gets angry.

    3.) Other people ghost, they've been ghosted before and adopted it. so they continue the vicious cycle. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em as they say?

    4.) They simply don't care

    5.) Stress/being overhwhelmed: maybe they've are not ready for whatever committment is being insinuated through the messaging, and they've shied away

    and so many others. The common factor between all these reasons though, is that they are not worth your time.

  • LovelightLovelight

    I've stopped wondering and trying to explain the reasons. Now if someone does that to me, GOOD RIDDANCE!

    It stings especially if someone you thought you could have a connection with. Though really I deserve a lot better and they aren't worth my energy.

  • Ahmedali999Ahmedali999

    @Babichev it's true move on and don't think about it

  • [Deleted User]WriterGF (deleted user)

    Interestingly, ghosting is what is recommended by personal security consultants. Responding in any way that isn't positive can be a trigger for some people. You might respond, "Sorry, I'm not interested" and the person might shrug and move on -- or they may fire back, "Why not??" and when you try to explain (in a nice way), they think they can talk you into being interested, etc. And when they find out they can't, they get angry,

  • MelancholyMelancholy

    Ghosting hurts. No doubt about it. Some people will say who cares, move on etc. But see some of us have more empathy or are more sensitive. You show your callous nature when you say things like that.
    Of course we have no choice but to move on but you shouldn't tell us how to feel or that what we feel is wrong.
    Its not your right to do that.
    People often ghost because they don't want to see or hear your negative reaction to them saying they don't like you or want to talk to you anymore. Its as simple as that.
    As for the reasons..it would be nice to know because if its a character flaw or something you are doing wrong then you could improve on that and avoid causing someone to ghost you again. So you're really just SOL as the saying goes.

  • BabichevBabichev

    Definition: empathy - “the ability to understand and share the feelings of others”

    I don’t see where anyone has told anyone else how they should feel.

    Expecting total strangers on the internet to do things that they have not agreed to do is a formula for frustration.

  • Ahmedali999Ahmedali999

    @Melancholy it happens to me always,the only thing i can do move on and don't think about it. There millions of people in this world.

  • cuddles_ndreamcuddles_ndream

    Sooo many reasons …. Miscommunication could be the main thing but Could be that you guys hit a wall, (Atleast one of the parties) , could be that one of the two is waiting for the other to reach out or respond , … could be that one is feeling like they’re getting attached so they just rather move on , …. on the other hand - could be that one is hoping for a deeper connection & is not getting more than the platonic nature & essence of cc … & lastly it could be that something put them off or they’re just trying to move on to the next, but in the end it doesn’t take away from your awesomeness.

  • ShakeShake

    @Melancholy I honestly don't feel like it's fair to assume everyone with a "move on" mindset lacks any kind of empathy. If anything, it would be quite the opposite with many. Whenever I'm sending a message to someone, there's always this small worry in the back of my mind but also a hope. A hope I'm not disturbing them or am an exhausting new addition to a pile of pm's. There's a friend of mine who'll wake up to 200 messages on her phone & I have no idea how she navigates it all.

    Knowing things like that, coupled with some hard life lessons & my own personal feelings are just what have led me to shrug off any lack of response. It's not that it never stings, it's just trying to look at it from the other person's perspective beyond the screen & remembering there could be any number of reasons I may not be getting a response(if the conversation hasn't naturally concluded already).

    One thing I'd never do though is tell another person how to feel. I may propose another line of thinking because of what's helped me in the past, but if that doesn't work for you, you're not obligated to feel that way. You are valid good sir. 💙

  • BabichevBabichev

    Empathy is care for the other person. If they have indicated a lack of interest by not responding, then the compassionate thing for me to do is accept their lack of interest and move on.

    Moving on isn’t calloused, it’s pragmatic. What’s the alternative? Being upset because someone did not answer my messages? That just wastes my own emotional energy. I don’t think I have a right to have expectations of other people that they have not agreed to. Expecting others to conform to our desires and wishes is the opposite of empathy.

    I am reminded of the Serenity Prayer: to accept the things we cannot change, to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference. We can’t control others’ behavior, nor should we try to, but we can control how we respond to it. Sometimes loving your neighbor means leaving them alone.

  • [Deleted User]Saysoh (deleted user)
    edited November 2021

    .

  • [Deleted User]ernesto_2 (deleted user)

    @Babichev

    "Lord, give me wine to accept the things I cannot change, wine to celebrate the things I can, and enough wine to be indifferent."

  • LovelightLovelight
    edited December 2021

    Empathy goes both ways. Someone choosing a really harsh way, such as ghosting and blocking, to reject someone when that's not warranted or barely is, shows a lack of empathy on their part. I can't seem to feel empathy for people who'd metaphorically pierce my heart like that. Though I can manage to mend my broken heart and move on with my life. Because just being rejected by someone I may be interested in is hard enough, without adding ghosting or blocking to the mix. If someone doesn't care enough about others to kindly reject them, then I can barely muster any empathy for them. Edit: And that bit is probably not even empathy, though wishful thinking perhaps that they weren't like that. And yes, sometimes I wish I could be like a robot and not feel hurt.

  • LovelightLovelight

    So while I agree that in the end we must take care of our hurt and move on, I just don't consider that as being empathic.

  • [Deleted User]WriterGF (deleted user)

    You also have to keep in mind that different people view things different ways. Some people don't view their online life as real life, or think of online friends the same way they think of friends they physically see every day. And they ghost because they don't think of people they know only online as real people and ghosting online has no consequences compared to ditching a real-time friend.

  • LovelightLovelight

    @WriterGF "And they ghost because they don't think of people they know only online as real people and ghosting online has no consequences compared to ditching a real-time friend."

    We don't become less human just cause we are connecting online, so I'd say that's sadly a flawed thinking on their part. Especially if they don't communicate that to the other party instead of leading them on. Though I'm not sure what you mean by ghosting online not having consequences compared to... in person.

  • [Deleted User]WriterGF (deleted user)
    edited December 2021

    @Lovelight -- It has consequences for the person being ghosted, if they take it to heart. It has none for the person doing the ghosting. It's not like they are going to see the other person at work the next day or run into them on the street. They can block someone and never see them again. And while I agree with you about people not being less human just because they are online, I've been online dating and such going back to 1994 and it was happening even then. It's the nature of the online beast.

    And the fact is -- while I have met many genuine, wonderful people online -- in a lot of cases, you have no way of knowing who you are talking to over any social media. You are seeing the face they want you to see, when they want you to see it, which is part of the reason so many online relationships collapse when they become real-time. People fill in the blanks with what they want to be there, but that may not be the real person. Are they on here because they seriously want to connect with someone for cuddling/friendship? Are they on here because they got bored one day? Did they create a profile to see what kind of response they would get, with no intention of pursuing anything, ever? Are they serious about connecting with you, or just passing the time until they meet someone better here or in offline life? It can be hard to tell.

  • LovelightLovelight

    "They can block someone and never see them again." There's perhaps a high probability of that, though I've ran into such people again, granted so far it's just been online. The 'world' isn't so much as big as it seems.

    "And while I agree with you about people not being less human just because they are online, I've been online dating and such going back to 1994 and it was happening even then. It's the nature of the online beast." A tool is just that, it's how someone uses it that can hurt. A bat doesn't swing itself unless it was made to do so. And I don't have a choice to take or not take it to heart, it just happens that at times it goes to heart. And I've to make a conscious decision to mend my heart and move on. I wish I could choose whether to feel hurt or not like I can choose what ice cream flavor I want.

  • [Deleted User]WriterGF (deleted user)

    @Lovelight, I don't know you so I have no business telling how you should react or feel. All I can tell you is how I deal with it -- usually with a certain amount of shock at first, especially if it is someone I have been talking to a long time. Then, depending on the circumstances (are they just not talking to me, or is their account gone), I try to think if there might be something going on in their life that caused this that has nothing to do with me. If it DOES seem to be just aimed at me, I lean on Henry James -- "I don't want everyone to like me, and I'd think less of myself if some people did."

    I have gone through periods where this sort of thing was happening a lot -- either ghosting, or meeting people who turned out to be scam artists -- and if it got too hurtful, I took myself offline for a while. If I'm doing something that should be fun and emotionally rewarding and a stress reliever, and it's causing me MORE stress, I have to question if it's worth doing. (That's why I am no longer on dating sites.)

  • LovelightLovelight

    @WriterGF so far I deal with it much the same. And try not to let them stop me from giving myself the chance to connect with others. :)

Sign In or Register to comment.