Someone pinched me with their toes

MxSmithMxSmith
in General

I really love cuddling, but I really hate being pinched, surprise tickled, having my armpit sniffed, someone picking at one of my pimples, etc. None of these things are cuddling or overtly sexual acts, so they fall into this weird category of "wtf is happening?"

I've been a pro for over a year I think I'm good at communicating, but people surprise me all the time. I'm still not sure how to catch all the variations of weird shit people try. Short of reading a long list of DO NOTS, which I find very offputting for everyone... how does one make sure they are never pinched by toes again? How do you communicate about less obvious boundaries?

«134

Comments

  • mnkyArrowmnkyArrow

    Surprise tickles are ok, I think that might be a good way to break up the uncomfortableness of meeting someone for the first time with a little laugh. I agree with you on the rest though!

  • [Deleted User]jacki202021 (deleted user)

    Yeah, the tickles are just fun and playful. But the rest of that is just weird.

  • Kcorsh86Kcorsh86

    ... People are weird. That would just freak me out.

  • MxSmithMxSmith

    @mnkyArrow & @jacki202021 I'm glad you like tickles and I think that would be a great thing to enjoy after talking to someone about first. I would like you to imagine someone you do not like tickling you. How does that sound?

    Tickling is also a fetish, not cuddling, and is a traumatic experience for many people who have been pinned down and tickled against their will by a person they do not like. Cuddling is all about consent, surprise tickling is deciding you want to touch someone in a way they have not agreed to and may not like. Laughing is not consent and is often an involuntary physiological response to stress.

  • stormydaycuddlestormydaycuddle Mod

    Surprise tickles aren’t okay. Touching must always be consensual. Even friendly touching. As for the toe pinching… wow. I’d probably start with asking if it’s okay to touch/cuddle the other person right from the start in order to establish that you expect the same courtesy in return. Each time a position changes check in. Kinda lead by example. Because I don’t know how to combat strange things that you can’t foresee.

  • MissAdventurousMissAdventurous

    Oh hell no. 🤣🤣🤣

    Do NOT sniff my armpits.
    PINCH ME? NO. WHAT THE HELL.

    YO IF YOU ARE READING THIS GUYS.
    do not be that client.
    DO NOT BE THIS PERSON.

    A general consent is always needed in ALL cases of touch. Boundary talk before session?

    Unfortunately like @stormydaycuddle said, "Kinda lead by example. Because I don’t know how to combat strange things that you can’t foresee."

    You can never 💯 avoid a bad client in any field of work.

  • CuddleDuncanCuddleDuncan Mod
    edited December 2021

    @mnkyArrow surprise tickles are categorically not ok, and they are not close to the boundary. It is frightening that you think that.

    Tickling is traumatic for a lot of people. It's very common. A secondary alarming thing is that you have reached the age of 47 without discovering that. Or perhaps you have discovered it, and are choosing to ignore it. I'm not sure which is worse.

    @jacki202021 it is equally alarming that you describe an incident which technically qualifies as a criminal offence as "fun and playful".

    ALL forms of touch require explicit consent, ALWAYS.

    I have Flagged both of your posts. It is very concerning that you are claiming that touch without consent is ok. Please consider thoughtfully if this is the right community for you. You are welcome here, but not if you continue to believe that criminally assaulting somebody is ok as long as the perpetrator enjoys it.

    For the record, I love being tickled. By people who have permission to do it.

    @MxSmith

  • mnkyArrowmnkyArrow

    Wow, anyone else want to come at me with my comment? You all need to take a step back. Shesh, I never pinned anyone down and forced tickled them. When I wrote this I was writing as the person receiving the cuddling/pinching/smelling/picking, as the original poster did, and what I would and would not be ok with. To me, in my mind if someone surprised me with a few tickles, I would be ok with it. Everyone has their own limits, I get that. I can not speak for anyone else as I don't know what's in their head, only mine. Thanks and have a great day!

  • Mike403Mike403

    Yeah I don't get flagging somebody's post just because they stated what they are okay with.

  • MxSmithMxSmith

    I think the issue people are upset about is that some people do not seem to understand that all touch requires consent. Not just sexual touch. Not just touch you think is ok. All touch. Agreeing to one kind of touch doesnt mean every other kind of platonic touch is ok. Those of us who truly get that are really sick of dealing with the people who don't get that.

  • Mike403Mike403

    @CuddleDuncan - You're talking to them like they're some kind of rapist when all they said was that they don't mind surprise tickles. It's fine to educate someone, but be nice about it.

  • SoftHairForDaysSoftHairForDays

    @MxSmith - I agree that all touch should be consensual. As far as the less obvious boundaries, such as what you mentioned, my suggestion is to tell the other person that if they are unsure of anything specific, to just ask you before doing it. That's what I tell people. It is better to ask and have us say yes/no than to just assume they can do something when it's actually really uncomfortable for someone! No one knows how someone else feels unless they ask. People can assume something is ok when it's really not.

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    @CuddleDuncan Wow. Just wow. If that is the method of education here and I was new I would never return. So much for a loving, accepting community. They never said they wouldn’t ask for consent, they just said they enjoy tickles. Poorly worded? Perhaps. Criminal? There is not nearly enough evidence to label them the way you did. Instead of going into beserker mode, how about asking for clarification first? I agree with @Mike403; this was a bad example to set for this community.

  • NicoSnuggsNicoSnuggs

    I’m not sure what is going on recently @CuddleDuncan, but you have seemed very defensive over the past month about things from cuddle cost to consent topics.

    Although I agree with you that tickling and other forms of touch should always be consented to and not done otherwise, the flagging and calling others names has been intense lately.

    I do generally appreciate your input @CuddleDuncan , but I am glad that we have outside moderators who get to decide if a comment is too much and if that individual making the comment has crossed a line with their comment in regards to appropriate conversation or not.

    If this discussion board becomes like Facebook or like the Australian police, then I may not be spending as much time here in the discussion board in that case.

  • Ahmedali999Ahmedali999
    edited December 2021

    Communication is the key, if you aren't happy about something speak up, my therapist sometimes pinch me , I'm ok with it but ☝ sniffing underarm thats inappropriate, to be a pro must be trained how to deal with situations. We always having same discussions ,confronting or communication is important.
    With respect nothing against you 🤗

  • supadupasupadupa

    Everything should be with consent. Sniffing someone underarms, picking at pimples? What the hell. And if someone tells you no tickling then don’t.
    But I have to say Duncan is nothing but consistent he has always flagged posts he doesn’t like. Whether necessary or not I won’t say but at least he tells you when he does which is quite often, others flag and do not tell you.

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    @supadupa Does it make it any better that he announces it and calls them a criminal? That is like saying murderer A is better than murderer B because A told you he is going to kill you. If anything, when there is this much hyperbole, it makes you wonder how often he flags and doesn’t say anything.

    With that being said, the mods do a great job deciding what rises to the level of heinous and what doesn’t.

  • supadupasupadupa

    @FunCartel truth be told I was trying not to get flagged, lol if I let my true feelings and comments come out about the flag master it would get flagged and probably a timeout, so let’s leave it at that.

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    @supadupa 👍

  • MCcuddles2MCcuddles2

    They wanted to see if you were dreaming.
    Lol jk, that is totally inappropriate and weird.

  • LovelightLovelight

    "but I really hate being pinched,"

    Ouch?! :(

    "surprise tickled,"

    That's questionable, though it doesn't seem the worst to me and if that's all that happens, I think saying no on individual basis is a better way to go. Cause I don't think most people would want to do that at least without asking for permission and/or with someone they know very well.

    "having my armpit sniffed,"

    Oh that's nasty, if someone is trying to do that in a platonic setting AND to make it worse, without permission. Sounds fetish to me/non platonic, I see it no other way. And it'd make me quite uncomfortable.

    "someone picking at one of my pimples, etc."

    Yeah, NO! For me, that'd also be grounds for not wanting to see that person again.

    "Short of reading a long list of DO NOTS, which I find very offputting for everyone..."

    :(

    "how does one make sure they are never pinched by toes again? How do you communicate about less obvious boundaries?"

    You shouldn't have to, the things you mentioned aren't cuddling and most of them are really out there. If someone crosses such lines depending on how severe you deem each, you can choose to tell them no or not see them again, if it makes you that uncomfortable. If they can't recognize how out there these things are, or likely do and don't care/are being cowardly to at least ask for permission about the less 'weird' stuff, that's their issue. I don't expect you to have to have a long talk with every person you meet just cause a few are socially awkward or careless about your comfort. Though if sending them a list is what makes you more comfortable or works for you, you can choose that too.

  • Ahmedali999Ahmedali999
    edited December 2021

    I disagree, you can speak to every new client about what's allowed and not allowed, as I did, also i spoke with my pros, if i did or ask something and they feel it's uncomfortable they should inform me, or if I'm not happy about something i should inform them, so both parties happy and comfortable. communication is the key.
    I'm really happy with my pros, we very open , and I'm very comfortable and can ask anything as long as it's platinc.

  • HUGGGGGGHUGGGGGG

    @MxSmith sorry that you had to go through this. When you expressed your displeasure to the cuddler in that moment, was that person apologetic? I’m thinking the fact that you have had to start a discussion on CC means that they might not have been genuine in apologizing even if they did… Perhaps you should report them on CC?

    About pinching: Perhaps it is not appropriate to do it without consent even when in a relationship. My ex wife used to pinch me with her toes when I would be sleeping … the first few times I did not even know what/why it exactly was… pretty horrible to say the least.

    Lastly: Advise any new cuddler that for the first one or two cuddles any movement or new touch should be verbally communicated before they do it or ask if it is ok. I request/do the same but once you know each other then it is more natural and not many verbal permissions are needed

  • [Deleted User]WriterGF (deleted user)

    I think the earlier poster put it best ... cuddling is cuddling, and if that is what has been agreed to, fine. Cuddling is not pinching or tickling. Those require separate agreements.

  • Ahmedali999Ahmedali999

    @WriterGF true ☝but how do they know cuddling is not pinching or tickling, they are people who have lack of knowledge, many don't read the policy or rules.

  • LovelightLovelight

    CUDDLING is NOT pinching, tickling or sniffing someone's armpits, that's how they know. Geez.

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel
    edited December 2021

    Tickling in and of itself is not bad if all parties are amenable, but it definitely is a pre-cuddle discussion point. Personally, I do not like to be tickled because it triggers RUEs.

  • Ironman294Ironman294

    Getting tickled myself is no big deal because I am usually not ticklish but I know that some do not like it especially when s a kid I know some get mercilessly tickled to tears.

  • Soft_Hug84Soft_Hug84
    edited December 2021

    Tickling borders on a criminal act... I've now heard it all.
    Yes, consent is required, but clearly some of our Moderators have agendas.
    This is the 2nd thread where a Moderator has been out of line with bullying. Some welcome safe space huh?

    No moderator has commented yet. Please support your claim with evidence. - Babichev

  • wigglehugswigglehugs

    Tickling is a form of torture to me! If some random Joe Schmoe random tickled me without asking first I'd probably make him leave or punch/kick him in the face.

    As for the pit sniffing, I guess just be glad it's not pit licking! That would be even worse! I mean I get it if you're laying with you're head in someone's armpit but do people really make it be known that they're sniffing the other persons pits? WTF!

    @CuddleDuncan I think flagging these folks posts over what they said is a little overstepping. It's their opinion. Let them have it as long as it doesn't get out of hand, and I don't personally think it did.

    Speaking from a surprise tickling experience or 2, ever since I was a kid, my father would grab my foot & tickle the heck out of it & it was AWFUL. Tickling is totally torture for me & a lot of others! It involves a lot of bad memories. I'd definitely say; speak to everyone before a cuddle session & get their consent for ANY & ALL touching you want to do!

This discussion has been locked.