So many times I've considered starting a thread with screenshots of all the crazy $×!+ men have said to me on this site, for the amusement of the ladies and the education of the men. These threads only increase the temptation.
@LorraineMorgan, definitely consider @CuddleDuncan, he's been here a long time and seems like a real gem.
@Sheena123 thank you, this is exactly it. When we spend our whole lives being sexualised it's always crazy to me how men don't get it, or try to gaslight us into making us think we shouldn't be bothered, or it's all in our head, especially when we share our experiences.
@elpasocuddler7 you did gaslight (check the definition). And this thread does not generalise men, it clearly talks about MY experience. Sheena has explained very clearly the Woman's experience and we're not here to comfort men because they can't understand the consequences of the behaviours of their peers.
Thank you @Cuddle_RN, I messaged him after I read his message and profile 😊👍🏾 Lol there are whole websites about the stuff men say to us (byefelipe is one!)
@LorraineMorgan
I don't appreciate you continuing saying I gaslighted you because I did nothing of the sort. Please stop it. Saying "I am not sure if it's different in England, but here in the United States it's extremely common for men and women to be platonic friends. Are you saying every guy you met wanted a sexual relationship and not just a friendship?" is not gaslighting. I never said you are lying. I just asked you a question and said that maybe things are different in the United States.
Also saying "always disappointed in men" is generalizing men. There have been women that I met that have been awful, but I don't generalize women based on those encounters.
"making us think we shouldn't be bothered, or it's all in our head, especially when we share our experiences." Nobody in this thread said anything of that nature.
Now can we all just get along? Some women are bad and some men are mad. Women get assaulted and men get assaulted. Women get raped and men get raped. This isn't a gender issue.
@Cuddle_RN
You think only men say crazy things? Like I said, this isn't s gender issue. Men and women BOTH say crazy things. Women lie to men and men lie to women. Both men and women cheat. No gender is perfect.
@elpaso87 I’m only saying this for others to hopefully understand because I know as you’ve said, you refuse to actually see the danger in this. When women say “all men” or “most men”, we aren’t discrediting men being abused. We’re merely pointing out how it happens waaaay more to women then men. This is why it is unfortunately a gendered issue. Every single woman in my life has been sexually assaulted. Every. Single. Woman. I can maybe think up 2 men in my life that have experienced something similar. As I’ve said, when women come together to get some much needed support, we aren’t saying guys don’t get raped. We aren’t saying guys don’t get abused. We aren’t saying that, but until women can feel safe walking to their cars at night, until women can go anywhere at any time without being sexually assaulted, it will always be a bigger issue than what men experience. And women just need support and understanding, especially from men. When we pour our hearts out, saying we’re constantly, daily being sexualized and treated like pieces of meat, it’s extra disheartening when a man jumps in saying “not all men”…. It just means you don’t care to see the bigger picture. You just want to turn it around and victimize yourselves or you really don’t want to see or learn from women what we go through. Give some time to truly understand how different it is being a woman. Truly try to understand how it feels leaving our houses everyday. It’s not easy. Period. This is why we keep raising the issue in hopes that more men will understand and join us in trying to end this gender inequality.
So for those men that truly, truly want to learn what we go through or want to open your eyes to see how unfair it is in the eyes of women compared to men, ask and learn. Help keep the gross men accountable for hurting us and catcalling us and touching us and killing us just for existing. Please understand. You may not think it’s all men but we should all agree it’s all women that experience.
@Sheena123
You're saying at least 365 times a year men go up to you and say sexually suggestive things to you?
I have many female friends and I talk to them about these things all the time. They travel alone, go to events alone, etc. They never once told me they ever felt scared.
Now can we all just get along and stop generalizing people?
"You looked amazing" on its own might be fine. Saying that with hearts in your eyes... nah, I don't think so. Platonic love doesn't go "😍."
Not a single day goes by without far more women getting sexually harassed than men.
Personally, I don't like the way people treat me when they think I'm a woman. Compared to how they treat me when they think I'm a man, it's just not that great. (The ideal treatment, incidentally, comes from people who don't know and don't care about the man/woman thing: it's very similar to being treated like a man, but better.)
Only cuddling straight men will probably slow you down in finding the good ones, @LorraineMorgan... but they are out there. I wish you luck.
@DaringSprinter just out of curiosity, and for my knowledge, when you say you don't like the way people treat you when they thing you're a woman, does 'people' consist primarily of men, or women, or both? If you're not comfortable answering no worries.
@elpasocuddler7 everybody is getting along just fine, you just don’t want to acknowledge the reality of what most women go through everyday of their lives, you want to dismiss it rather than understand it and show some compassion. I’m glad your female friends don’t have this problem but that doesn’t mean the majority of women get sexualized on the daily basis and just because they endure this it doesn’t mean the problem it’s not there and just because it doesn’t happen to your friends doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen to most women. Don’t take it personally, all the things women have said is based on their personal experience and not a reflection on you, so just let them have a healthy discussion and find the support they need on this forum. We heard you, you don’t think the problem is general, other people (including myself) disagree, move on.
@cuddleversed 👏👏👏👏
@sunnysideup: Hmm.
Well, I have noticed that the more religious or conservative a person is, the more unpleasant it is when they think I'm a lady. But gender? Hmmm.
I guess men are more likely to get violent. This one old guy threatened to hit me for cutting my hair (apparently he liked it long—I didn't even know he was looking). Men are more likely to think they have some kind of rights over a woman's body, in my experience.
Women, on the other hand... I dunno, they just make me feel awkward and gauche.
I guess it's how they're socialized: I have six sisters, but I don't know how to talk or act like they do, so when a woman thinks I, too, am a woman—well, I make a very clumsy woman. And that makes me a bad, second-rate woman.
Which I don't like.
If I'm gonna be a lady, I'd like to be a smooth, charming one!
This would have bothered me, too (and I say this with full awareness of how my life-experiences diverge as a straight white guy). For someone to make that kind of comment after a shared experience that you thought to be fun and platonic must be like having the rug pulled out from under you.
It's always sad to see threads like these can never stay focused on a more supportive tone for very long. Especially on a site with comfort literally in the name.
I'm not going to bother engaging in the back & forth. As pointed out earlier, it's just going to go in one ear & out the other. Just to point out something though, just because someone in your life isn't openly telling you they're hurting or scared, doesn't mean it isn't happening. Alot of times, when someone's going through a hard time long enough it can be very numbing and become so normalized that it becomes nothing worthy of note. Can't speak from experience but I imagine if women took the time to catalogue all the times they've been catcalled, that book would be larger then the Bible. So when someone DOES confine in you, it's worth it to listen.
Most of my friends are women, and one of them famously says this when she's feeling overwhelmed. "When I say 'all men', all the good men in my life don't come out of the woodworks to defend all men because they know I'm not talking about them." So let me compare that statement to another. Guy's. When you're feeling the ever baring weight of the day, have you ever said to yourself "screw everybody!"? That's a pretty generalized statement. I mean all humans?! Let's dissect that for a moment here. Everyone imcludes everyone. Did you really mean, in that moment of hurt & anger, to include say your best friend? Your mom? Maybe your goldfish or dog. I mean, you did say EVERYONE. Or did you just become so overwhelmed that whoever upset you felt like many??? I can only imagine that feeling on a larger scale. When the women in your life are reaching out to you, their word choice is hardly the most pressing issue, nor is it an attack on your own personal suffering, it's simply... something worth lending your ear to. That's what friends are for. Hell I assume that's what this site is for.
Is it too much to ask that threads like these stop being punching bags, and instead a safe haven? To dial it back to this threads intent, I'm sorry to the OP for what you're going through. It's nice to see some have thrown some love your way already. It's certainly not impossible for you to find that ideal cuddle buddy. Sending good vibes & hope luck finds you. 🙂
I’m a sweet talker. I sweet talk my female friends, I even sweet talk female family members for that matter. It’s all innocent fun. You should see some of my text threads with my female friends, they’re like heart emoji fests. My girl bestfriend and I blast each other all day long with hearts and I love yous. I don’t see that in itself as a bad thing and I personally love the expressions of love and friendship. My heart is so full of love, I feel blessed that I am able to let it out the way that I do. Is there some kind of unwritten rule that you can’t flirt with a platonic friend.
Thank you @Sheena123 for another very well thought out and excellent reply. You're right, men can listen or they can choose to dismiss. And both of us aren't here to exhaust ourselves explaining the reality of Women to those to refuse to understand ❤️
@DaringSprinter thank you for sharing your experience from both sides of the coin. I have actually said on My preferences I'm open to cuddling men and Women, and I have no requirement for sexuality either...
@cuddleversed thank you for your brilliant words. Isn't it interesting that when a Woman speaks somewhere about how she's been treated by men, a man somewhere chooses to get upset and make it about himself...
@bb_hippo "rug pulled pulled from under you" THAT PART. Only last week did I use this exact phrase with a guy I was dating solidly for 6 months last year. I live in England and he lives in Norway, we even travelled to see eachother. We met in Jan 2020, started dating consistently from March 2021 and then only for him to eventually say "I'm still deciding whether I want to date someone locally or abroad" 😒😒😒😒😒
@Shake49 thank you for bringing the thread back to the original discussion, I'm glad that the vast majority of men here have understood the conversation and offered support. Thank you also your reply and we'll wishes 😊
@Morpheus you haven't seemed to understand/read my experience. This was not my friend, this was someone I met for the first time.
I have a question. If I were to attach a picture when messaging a woman, would that too be interpreted as being sexual rather than platonic?
@LorraineMorgan "@UCpaaHVg6u0 I'd clearly said my whole life men hadn't respected my boundaries so why would I be keen to have yet another conversation about it, especially over the agreement I was looking for platonic."
You're asking me what your motives should be? I don't even know why you're trying to cuddle if you're having so much trouble with men not respecting your boundaries! I just went on the assumption that you're an adult who takes responsibility for what she says and does. It sounded to me like the comment was ambiguous with regards to complimenting you, and getting upset over an emoji is ridiculous. Communicate and figure it out. Why is that a problem?
Anyone giving advice to the OP about what they think she should have done, or how her feelings are unreasonable are coming close to victim-blaming. Gatekeeping her emotions or her strategy in dealing with them is likely to reinforce her distrust of men. It's ok for us to just listen and engage in introspection.
I know that I have plenty to learn, and a woman is here, expressing herself in a vulnerable way. Let's not criticize her in a forum that has "Comfort" in it's name.
I learned a long time ago that paying a woman a compliment is fraught with danger. A man may be responsible for what he says but is never responsible for how a woman reacts.
@GreatHornedOwl if there are no pictures on your profile there is nothing wrong with attaching a picture. You do need to know who you are cuddling lol
@UCpaaHVg6u0 read this whole thread of other responses from Women. All the best now.
Thank you again @JoyfulHeart, I came here for support and encouragement and I really am trying to stay positive because of the majority of decent men on this thread that actually understand the situation! I won't be swayed by the few here who are choosing to derail the conversation and discount my feelings/the Woman's experience. When men continue to talk over Women they just continue to show they actually don't respect them, so I know to avoid them! You are a good man so thank you again for your support 😊
@UKGuy "fraught with danger"? It always only depends on the man's intentions and delivery in his compliment. We only ever react to what you do and say, you know... Maybe you need to look into that further for your own personal understanding and growth.
So... I really didn't come here to be challenged by men, and the rest of the Women here didn't come here to have to spend so much of their time and energy to help them understand either and further proving themselves to be "disappointing" too.
This conversation was about my experience as a Woman and I was asking for support.
I am going to continue my journey away from this thread because it's almost completely demotivated me to continue, but with the 10% of positivity I have left thanks to the 98% of men and Women who actually understand the experience fully, I do believe I will find my first cuddle buddy.
All the best, y'all. Peace out xx
@LorraineMorgan I hear your frustration and discouragement! I'm sorry I don't have any great advice for you, except to say to trust your gut on that particular interaction. The compliment with heart emoji is suggestive of non-platonic energy (even if that wasn't with conscious intent on his part). The response when you raised it to his attention lacked any acknowledgement or awareness.
For the guys who are open to understanding and learning, but feel like you can't get it right, try this: if you are in doubt of whether or not something might come off less-than-platonic:
I specifically say "someone you're just meeting", because context and relationship is important. "Wow, you are so beautiful! 😍" to someone you've just met on a platonic site is kinda creepy. Heck, even in dating relationships, heart emojis too soon can be tricky.
@GreatHornedOwl I think it would depend on the picture; if it's just a neutral picture of yourself, I think that's fine. If the rose you posted is an example of the kind of picture you mean: can you imagine sending that to a new male friend in your first few messages? What would you think if a guy sent you that ? My personal reaction inside would be "ewww" because red roses are almost always a romantic gesture. I'll add that it helps a lot that your have a nice, clear platonic profile write up and several photos of yourself doing things you love to do!
@LorraineMorgan Sorry for your bad experience. Thankfully it was only in a text.
I've come to realize that many joining the community are hoping that cuddling might lead to a more than platonic relationship. I try to be crystal clear in my profile as to what my intentions/goals are cuddling. Cuddling has truly helped me come back from a dark place emotionally. It took awhile, and some understanding partners, for me to find my level -- and through quite a few conversations and cuddles.
Do you reach back out to Mr. heart-eyes emoji and let him know how you took his text/reply?
Communication regarding boundaries and consent is key as we all have different interpretations or see things through different prisms. Circle back and see how he responds. He literally might not understand that his use of that emoji was as offense as you took it/didn't think it was a big deal. You being okay with compliments about your style and fashion but not your body/physical appearance is nuanced even it it appears clear to you. For me, physical appearance is a key part of both style and fashion so I could easily say or do something that you might find offensive, but I would never know unless we communicated about.
Mr. heart-eyes emoji my not even know that he crossed a line regarding what your idea of boundaries are if you don't tell him like you did with your cuddle partner regarding his wink emoji. It takes time and patience to build any type of meaningful relationship. Guys can be a slow on the uptake, particularly when the hormones kick in.
Happy cuddling.
Reading through this thread, I’d like to offer a thought that many of our conversations may stay more productive and less combative if we try to avoid absolute terms like everyone, never, always, every day, etc.
And, if someone does use some absolutist language and your reply starts with, “well actually, not all….” maybe consider staying with the spirit of the important topic being discussed instead of pointing out the technicality that maybe “most” is more accurate than “all.”
@Shake49 Beautifully said! @Morpheus I am absolutely the same! I find myself loving my friends and family with all my heart and can be very open and flirtatious ( with friends) but the thing is - and another wise commenter stated this earlier - it is paramount for me to establish rapport and understanding and consent before lavishing my adoration onto my friends.
@Cuddle_RN that's very sweet of you to say so, thank you.
Well, this is real and stinks... the gals become naturally more guarded and skeptical, and some of the guys here get the onus of this bad reputation. Giving some type of compliments can be tricky. I interacted with someone here and she was happy that we were about the same age, lived fairly close and I was "cute". I did like the compliment (even an old horse likes sugar cubes every now and then ), but in the end there was something else developing and we didn't meet anymore. That was he real bummer.
@DaringSprinter Thanks for the response, hopefully I wasn't derailing the thread too much.
@LorraineMorgan Sorry for your experiences. I'm not sure what to tell you other than platonic male cuddlers do exist on this site, though you may find that hard to believe. And I hope you find what you're looking for.
I know @elpasocuddler isn't here anymore but I'd like to point out for the people that share his viewpoint. That while men are also assaulted the overwhelming amount of time (I believe it's something around 90%) it's by another man. Soooo that really isn't the arguement you think it is. In fact it's actually a hugely detrimental arguement.
@LorraineMorgan I simply asked why communicating was a problem, which you deflected from answering. I think I see one of your problems.
I support women to be free from abuse. In my life I've experienced abuse. One thing I've learned is that a person needs to speak up as the first step to not being abused. That's difficult when women have been taught to do otherwise. Therefore, I can understand why you don't communicate with your would-be cuddler. You come here for support to validate your assumptions that the cuddler in question is not being platonic, but you still don't confront him about the communication, which is simply what you need to do.