@WriterGF I had to stop reading at your comment to roll down here and say; WELL SAID.
I’m always wary of people who ally or white knight that hard. Literally central casting, male feminists are often the predator. But that may not be the case here. I could be wrong and that white knighting could be sincere. Anyway positive vibes and a nice life for everyone.
If you're talking about @JoyfulHeart it's called an ally. Using our privilege to call in the people of the oppressing group is our job. That's not white knighting.
The emoji with the hearts might be a little much but I always try and compliment the ladies I meet to cuddle on their hair, clothes, smile, etc. Always in a respectful and appropriate way but if a person has a special sparkle to their smile or flair to their outfit I do try and mention a special comment that I noticed and appreciate it. I guess it’s all in the delivery and how the man behaves as a whole and not just one isolated comment unless it’s totally inappropriate.
🤦🏼♂️ Oppressing group stuff is way over my head and sounds political as hell. I obviously need to learn a lot more about the language and ideas of whatever the heck this [fill in the blank]-ology is called. I did some minimal therapy and have utilized a life coach for a couple years. Interestingly, when I googled about "speaking your truth" a while ago, a website from somebody Vince Gowmon looked likely. The page I'm at is "The Courage to Speak Your Truth ~ 5 Steps to Reclaiming Your Voice". I never heard of this guy before, not that I can recollect. He seems to validate things that I said earlier about voicing the things you need. Which, aside from my abrasive presentation, was all I was intending to say. I do feel that I neglected to acknowledge that OP has difficulty doing that, and I think that's what set everybody off, as well as denying that her perception of 😍 as non-platonic was valid. Otherwise.... Holy crap! The 💩 that came down towards me seems unsuited to what my position is. I'm sure that it's because of how I presented things and not by what I was really saying.
@UCpaaHVg6u0, you wrote: "It's hard to respond to such a vague and broad accusation. I guess that's your way of manipulating?"
This is itself a classic manipulation tactic. It's called deflection.
A life coach cannot help you with trauma, which is what is driving your behavior. You need a therapist who is trained in dealing with trauma.
Life does not have to be like this. I urge you to read this article and recognize yourself: https://www.choosingtherapy.com/covert-narcissist-signs/
You sent me an apology via PM. Show that you meant it by getting some help.
I wish you peace and freedom.
I want to affirm something. We are all more than objects. When kids are little, sometimes they bond with physical objects. Teenagers often flip this around, and objectify people. They use people for sex or satisfying ego in some way. Sometimes the objectification sticks and starts cycles of self-blame and narcissism. Emotionally grown up people satisfy their own needs. If you are lonely or needing to feel sexy or accomplished, these are inner problems for an emotional adult. There is a world of fulfillment inside us and right now is the time to figure out mature self-love and self-care.
To the emotional adults, thank you. It's a tough load to carry and hopefully we can help each other out.
When people that are physical adults act like children, it's a tough situation. It requires compassion but also communication and awareness. It's important to call it out and have good boundaries. We are all still learning. We're in this together. We need to be good teachers for each other and be listening well also. Good teachers have high expectations and compassion. Life is not perfect or easy.
To the women experiencing man-children every day, I wish it weren't so and it is definitely not your fault that someone else hasn't learned to stop objectifying you. Let's all continue to teach that this isn't okay. Real men and women listen, look deep, find the heart and character of another and lift that up.
So I want to make it clear. We shouldn't reduce someone down to their physical looks, especially to satisfy a sexual urge, but also in any other way, ever. When it happens (it happens), we should be embarrassed, like farting in public or sneazing on someone. We likewise shouldn't be here to get a merely transactional physical cuddle (if you are, buy a body pillow). We should be here to connect, affirm, support, and share. This is what emotional adults do. We can use our bodies to assist in forming the trusting connections that emotional adults need from each other. That's what cuddling culture is about to me.
This is an affirmative statement. We can all get there, despite our hangups and baggage and the commodification of our emotional needs. Thanks for giving me hope. Thanks for being you, as you are. I hope to get a chance to really be present and see the real you.
@Cuddle_RN My apology was sincere. You may recall that I stand by what I said, but that I regret how I said it. Now you're diagnosing me as having narcissistic personality disorder? I'm not sure the licensing board in your state would approve of you handing out Dx that you aren't trained for, but thanks. @Sashamcgee made a blanket statement that doesn't seem fair. It was purely an attack on me personally. Show me one place where I made a personal attack. I defended myself. I really don't think that you are being sincere. I held out the olive branch and you pretty much just trampled it. It's fine. I'll pick it up, dust it off, and it'll be ready whenever you wish to be sincere.
Firstly, I did not attack you personally. I stated that your post was manipulative. I didn't say anything about you or your character. You can take it personally but it wasn't a personal attack.
Secondly, your response was another classic manipulation tactic which was also a defense mechanism. The two don't negate each other.
Thirdly, you continue to tag me in the same post I stated I wouldn't like to engage any further, which is baiting. And not baiting is a rule.
Wow oh wow oh wow. I'm taking a really big breath after reading all of the responses here. Whew!!! I don't think I'm going to interject anything to anyone in the thread.... although I would like to respond to the OP.
@LorraineMorgan First of all... Welcome to the site!!! Thank you for starting a thread and talking about tough subjects with the community. I feel like that's a really brave thing to do. 😊
Second.... I don't know if meeting a reasonable human being to cuddle with is possible for everyone, but I have met numerous people that I have had a lovely connection with and I would like to encourage you in that regard. There are always things that have to be tweaked a little in order to get the right mix of human chemistry... but I am a HUGE fan of this for of relating.
So sorry that you had a great coffee and get together but then walked away and received something a little unsettling.
I met my first guy today from this site for a coffee, hoping to just cuddle him after we met. We got on great and talked about meeting and he just text me saying "You looked amazing BTW 😍".
I can completely relate to putting in the energy to message, talk to, make plans to meet, and then be frustrated when things take a turn you aren't expecting..... but NO way is it too much to ask to find a cuddle buddy that fits your needs.
It just makes me so sad because I just want a cuddle, that's it, nothing more, nothing less, but it just seems so much to ask...
Not everyone has the ability to connect in the ways we need. Sometimes we aren't even aware of the things UNTIL they come up. Things that we wouldn't even think about beforehand. AND not everyone puts a lot of thought into it. I've gotten messages from people who never even looked at my profile or read the site rules.
I know its a tough thing to navigate.... there are lots of different reasons why people come to this kind of platform. It does take a LOT of patience and quite a bit of trial and error to dial it in for your specific needs. When messaging back and forth with people, if the first thing they say (or second or third) is "hey beautiful... wanna cuddle?" I know that they have a different idea than I do about connecting. It doesn't even matter if they DO think I'm beautiful but I know its not my most salient feature and I don't want to entangle myself with someone if that is one of the only thing that draws them to get together with me. I long for deeper connections. SOME people might only want to surround themselves with people who compliment their looks. I would MUCH rather have someone say "Your smile lights up your entire face when you are laughing."
That being said, I'm not here to change anyone's mind and I have no desire to educate everyone who doesn't understand the effects of a male-type human saying to a female type human "Just sit there quietly and look pretty."
I guess I'm looking for a little encouragement to understand if it's actually possible for me 😢
I hope I have given you a glimmer of the chances to find someone fabulous. IT IS POSSIBLE. I know you muted, and now you're deactivated, but hopefully you will glance back in and see all the people who are in your corner.
HUGS TO YOU!!!<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
@sillysassy Unfortunately, I believe the OP has deactivated her account.
Guys will always compliment ya. I think we get grossed out when it's definitely a guy we wouldn't get busy with. Even if it was a friendly version of "you're gorgeous", the body and mind scream "say thank you a d he'll think you're down to hit the sheets". Very fine line.....in deed.
@cathycuddlesss which makes it even more difficult. I’ve had guys act violently when I didn’t thank them and I’ve had guys act like absolute pigs when I did thank them. We can’t win 🤷🏼♀️
When this thread started, I confess that I was triggered by the implications about all men. What I did was to act aggressively defensive. I read a little about victim blaming. When we take precautions to be safe doing various things, we are trying to reduce the likelihood of being a victim, which suggests that sometimes certain behaviors might reduce risk. That wouldn't apply to something like how a man behaves towards a woman. Yet, we see pro cuddlers take proactive steps to increase security. There is real risk but the bet is that most men are not going to ruin the session. So I conclude that there are men who will abide by the rules enough to keep the cuddle commerce going. There's no need to prove anything to OP. A better response would have been to be supportive of trying again and not to dispute her experience. The world is not always safe, and people do get hurt sometimes. It's wrong to deny that. I should concentrate on supporting everybody here in enjoying cuddling, staying positive, be willing to validate others when they speak their truth, and just calm down about trying to prove anything ever.
@UCpaaHVg6u0 I'd like to thank you publicly for reaching out privately about this thread. I'm also really happy to see you did further introspection and some research. That shows a lot of humility and strength on your part. 💜
Edit: spelling
Humanity is the problem, but there are some wonderful people in this world. Stay positive, safe and happy cuddles always.
I feel very hopeful, yet very discouraged and disappointed, when reading many of the comments and perspectives in this thread. As badly as I have felt treated by some of the women in my life, I would never go so far as to blame women for it. In looking back over my life, I now realize how I had inadvertently created many of my own problems with women, through my own ignorance in knowing how to set and communicate clear boundaries, as well as standing up for, and enforcing those boundaries, if need be.
In general, no one wants to be seen as the bad guy, or the one at fault. But we all have overstepped the boundaries of others, even if inadvertently, that is a part of life. It's how we deal with that, both in the moment and afterwards, which shows who we really are. I find it best to try not to judge others, by imagining that their up to no good, because if you're seeking fault, you will find it, regardless of what the truth is. That's what the mind does. It's best just to be curious and directly ask them about their meaning and intentions. I have found that having the courage and foresight, to do that consistently with others, opens a whole new world of possibilities in our relating with others.
@UCpaaHVg6u0 Thank you for your thoughtful comments. I respect your honesty and vulnerability.
@Sashamcgee I owe you humble gratitude for patience and willingness to offer honest feedback, and experience. I will think about that debt as I remind myself how to conduct myself here.
@JoyfulHeart Thank you for your feedback and honesty. I feel I also owe you a similar apology and promise to work on this.
A few women suggested I should get therapy over the comments that I posted. I'm not sure that I need to do that at this time, though if I suddenly hit the right numbers I'll probably be able to afford that. I need to calm down and check my responses here. This experience has given me useful insight. I'm more aware of how fraught things are for women, rooting from historical domination. I did receive "support" from men in messages, suggesting that OP was creating her problem. I'm familiar with that perspective, and now I see the cracks in it, basically because of my own reluctance to mention these messages. But here I'm doing that. I was fearful! Thank you to @xelda for that insight. But moving forward, I'll meditate on creating a friendly and open and safe place for everybody to cuddle. That's simple enough for me to grasp for now.
@UCpaaHVg6u0 thank you for opening up and joining the side for equality 🌸🌸 we want a safe space for everyone here. Thank you for making it easier to have this safe space.
@UCpaaHVg6u0 Thank you for the courage to do some self examination and humbly apologize publicly.
@UCpaaHVg6u0 Your apology is wholeheartedly accepted. I'm growing too, and am grateful for the patience that others show me.
I feel you on that. It can be so hard to figure out if friendships are genuine or have an ulterior motive it's exhausting
@TFWO ~ I appreciate all of that. 🫂
It's difficult... I've had male friends but they have been in relationships. I have never had single male friends.
The thing with compliments, with women, I know there's no ulterior motives if she says my hair is pretty, even if she's bi/lesbian, I don't feel threatened.
But with men, I don't know what their intention is, even if it's just to be nice, it seems the default is to compliment to show interest romantically/sexually.
@Sheena123 Hope I’m not derailing so I’ll spoiler:
It gets tricky for dating also because as a guy I’m not sure if the woman I’m talking to is just being friendly or is interested. I don’t want to pressure anyone or put anyone is a weird position where they have to clearly reject me because that’s not fun for anyone. But since One person’s idea of just being friendly is another person’s idea of flirting, so the only way I can know is to just ask.
@sunnysideup I’m not tech savvy enough to know how to do spoilers lol but I think your point still applies to what this thread is about. It’s definitely always best to ask, for sure!! That’s honestly the main thing we care about as women. Our safety is important and nothing makes us feel more safe then when a man is always making sure our boundaries are respected. It’s best to be safe than sorry. I myself do love getting compliments (as long as they are respectful), but because every person is different, it shouldn’t be a “well, I have female friends and they love it” type thing. It’s always better for both sides in the meet up or first “getting to know you” moment, to keep it platonic and treat it like you want a friend. If you aren’t sure where to take this friendship, as in, you want an intimate relationship or something beyond friendship, talk about it. But if it’s here on a platonic site, it’s just best to avoid compliments based off of looks.
Ive had people tell me that my husband is lucky and they wish they had a girlfriend/wife like me which is something I take with a grain of salt. If you’re booking me for a professional cuddle and you keep saying that over and over, I’ll have an issue. It makes me feel like you’re imagining me as your wife/gf and you’re taking this pro/cuddler relationship past what it should be. But for meeting up with friends and they say this one time as a compliment, I’m ok. (As long as it’s said once). If they beat that compliment like a dead horse and keep saying it, I’m uncomfortable.
All in all, I definitely think talking about boundaries ahead of time is so important. If a woman says she just wants a platonic relationship where she can just cuddle you with no added expectations, complimenting her looks is not a good start.
Of course, on this website it's kind of a given that nobody's looking for a non-platonic relationship. So... there shouldn't be a need to ask, really.
@Morpheus started a thread about complimenting a females looks awhile back.... There was a TON of good info in there. https://www.cuddlecomfort.com/forum/discussion/12058/complimenting-a-females-looks/p1
Some women have struggled for centuries about being an adornment and nothing more. Even to other women sometimes..... @Littermate made a really great comment in here about being willing to accept the pushback if you get into an area that people are uncomfortable about.
I was recently looking at a website that was talking about consent and I was also talking to my 17 year old son. Even he doesn't like it when people compliment his looks. He's like "Mom.... its just how I was born. I was lucky.... I got great teeth and hair.... That's so annoying." If they were to compliment him on his love of books, or his skill at chess, or anything it might be better. If the idea of giving a compliment is actually about making the OTHER PERSON feel special, then shouldn't we be asking THEM instead of guessing?
https://cerebral-sexuality.com/2018/01/03/platonic-consent/
This site was great about some less than obvious things that could trigger a feeling of uneasiness. "You can ask a coworker’s permission before feeling the soft texture of their sweater."
I mean... Don't people wear interesting textures so everyone can touch them throughout the day?? 🤨😂😕
Here was my interesting takeaway from a few sites and introspections. When trying to connect with someone new... its ALWAYS best to ask. Not just about touch, but about some of those things that might be borderline in the reception. i.e. "I'd like to pay for your coffee since you had a long distance to travel and I didn't... Is that ok?" "I love giving compliments, but I don't want to make you uncomfortable if I say something about your looks. How do you feel about those kind of statements?" "Would it be ok if I walk you to your car? I don't want you to think I'm going to be a stalker and memorize your license plate number."
All the things that we do in every day circumstances might actually be making other people uncomfortable and we don't even know it. Unless we talk about it.
It’s VERY hard for a female such as myself to find a male who just wants to cuddle without him crushing on me or hoping for a kiss, handjob, or further. That’s why I only cuddle women. Both on here and in general it’s only female cuddle buddies I’m interested in and looking for.