How to bring up cuddle rules with an offsite cuddler

tallteddytallteddy
in General

I've got a friend staying over at my place in a few days, and she let me know she's been looking forward to cuddling with me (she also keyed me in to the fact she's ace, so I know it's not code for sex from her side).

Since she's not part of the cuddle community, how do I bring up rules for cuddling? Specifically without making it too awkward. I've cuddled with her before, but in public places. We've never really discussed cuddle rules because of the public setting, we weren't really going crazy on the cuddling anyway. I don't really know what to expect from her when we're together at my place.

If anyone has experiences around this situation, I'd like to hear from them. Do you tell your rules before or do you just sit your friend down on the day itself and talk about it then?

Comments

  • [Deleted User]Moxytocin (deleted user)

    If you're not a pro and not both members here, the only rules really are your boundaries. This site has terms of service to protect them from liability. If you're seeing someone from off-site, you could certainly adopt the site TOS as your rules or just state your own personal boundaries and ask her to state hers. You can both agree to ask consent before touching any areas or switching positions. Maybe word it as "before we begin, let's chat about boundaries and consent. Here are my major boundaries - bathing suit areas and I prefer people do not touch my face. What are your boundaries?"
    For example.

  • tallteddytallteddy

    Thanks, @MaineCuddle. You've helped me with the way you word it.

  • Sheena123Sheena123

    To bring it up lightheartedly, you could just say “hey, so I want to make sure we’re both comfortable. I just want to have an awesome cuddle so I don’t like to be touched here or here. I’m ticklish here and here lol. Do you have any boundaries or places you’re uncomfortable with or ticklish spots to avoid?” I think it’s straightforward enough to prove you want to have a respectful and comfy cuddle 👍🏻

  • CuddleDuncanCuddleDuncan Mod
    edited February 2022

    You could also talk about CC. "I'm on this cuddle website where they have some really useful guidelines and advice. For example .... " and then discuss a thing that concerns you.

    If you've cuddled a little before and she's coming to your place to cuddle, it sounds like she's pretty comfortable with you. Assuming that's true, it won't really matter how you word it. It's all too easy to build up the difficulties of a conversation in your head beforehand, when in fact the details don't really matter.

    A good general purpose phrase is, "I need to talk to you about something important. I feel ..... " and then phrase what's going on for you in terms of how you are feeling. This avoids much of the risk of accidental confrontation or misunderstanding.

    A ... If you touch my arm I'll scream and run out of the room
    B ..... But I wasn't going to touch your arm!
    A ... I'm just saying, if you do.
    B ..... Don't you threaten me, m'laddo!
    A ... I wasn't, I'm just saying that if you touch me arm -
    B ..... I wasn't going to touch your arm!!

    A ... I'm feel worried that I might scream and rush out of the room.
    B ..... Why on earth would you do that?
    A ... I'm nervous about being touched in certain places, like my arm.
    B ..... Well ok, I won't touch your arm then.

  • [Deleted User]Moxytocin (deleted user)

    You're welcome @tallteddy. I can't claim the wording as my own. It's pretty much verbatim from Cuddlist training and Cuddle Sanctuary's consent training so definitely may sound more stuffy and professional than you'd want to be with a friend.

  • AngelPendavezAngelPendavez

    Something you could do is print the rules out on paper and fold them up really small and put it in your pocket.

    When you're getting situated, pre-face the conversation with something like, "So I just want to make sure we're both comfortable, so before we get started, I printed out these general rules as a guideline." (queue awkward unfolding of the paper)

    Hopefully she'll see the humor in the situation and appreciate your dedication. Then from there you can just have an honest conversation about what both of your boundaries are and what you would like from your time together.

    "I really like having my hair played with, but please avoid touching my ears if you can."
    "I'd rather not be the little spoon, if that's alright."
    "I have this bruise on my arm I'd like you to avoid."
    "Soft touches make me ticklish so I prefer gentle pressure."
    "I'd love to try this cuddle position if you're okay with it."

    Things like that!

    Like @MaineCuddle said, since you two are friends, you aren't necessarily obligated to follow any of the rules, but since it's a new situation, if you would prefer the safety of having those rules in place, that's also an option ~

    Best of luck of luck to you, @tallteddy! :3 <3

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