Men-tal Health

GallowglassGallowglass
edited March 2022 in General

Not specifically a men's post. The latest chapter in my life could be entitled, Daniel gets out of his own way.

The last 2 weeks, I've been trying to interrupt the patterns that keep my mental, going-in-circles. One of the things I do, that I notice causes me discomfort, is trying to figure out the motives of others, when I'm feeling hurt about how something turned out. I'm trying to balance that fault-finding desire with the realization that I gain nothing from the effort. Someone told me, don't stay mad or upset for more than 5 or 10 minutes. It's a hard practice to put into practice.

Are there any little reminders you use during the day, to keep your own path moving forward?

Comments

  • Sheena123Sheena123

    I have plenty of moments where I get upset or angry, and most of the time it’s about something I can’t control. So what I do to curb that anger is think about this:

    The more you surround yourself with certain thoughts, more of those outcomes that have to do with those thoughts keep happening.

    Basically, if I surround myself with happy thoughts or happy people, I tend to focus more on happy things happening around me. If I focus on the things that piss me off, more things that piss me off seem to keep happening. Like, if you try real hard to think about blue cars, your mind will start to notice more and more blue cars.

    It’s so hard to ignore aggravating things around you but if it’s doesn’t affect you personally/physically, or it’s something you have zero control over, just let it be. Or at least try. Lol.

  • CuddleDuncanCuddleDuncan Mod

    Remember that the motives of others have very little to do with you. Even if the thing relates to you, it's still mostly about them.

    For example, I'm sometimes very bad at replying to people. I can be very poor at keeping in touch. This is nothing to do with my affection for my correspondants, it's a function of my own stuff. Occasionally somebody tries to figure out why I haven't replied, or is upset by it, and I assure them that it's a fool's errand. My 'motives' are nothing to do with them. And if they can figure out exactly what my motives are in relation to this particular forgotten or slow reply, please would they come to my therapy group as a guest to explain to me and them exactly what the hell is going on with me?

    If you recognise that you have patterns, and you are trying to notice them in detail and break them, you are half way there. More than half way. Well done, and keep going.

  • quixotic_lifequixotic_life

    "Someone told me, don't stay mad or upset for more than 5 or 10 minutes. It's a hard practice to put into practice." ~ @Gallowglass

    Personally I no longer even attempt that. Instead I've become more mindful of asking, 'does the intensity of my emotion match the situation? or am I over reacting? and if so why? what unresolved issues are feeding this feeling?'

    It helps to feel compassion for myself knowing that, yes, right now I am really upset and I'm going to allow it. Or, yes, right now I am really upset but this isn't the time or place to process/let it out. But I'll set a time to check in with myself later to see if I still need to get things out.

    Tampering and bottling served me early on as a means to cope, but they don't serve me as well now (and sometimes just perpetuate past trauma's impacts). When I find myself revisiting those, I thank that part of me for their service but ask them to step aside. I know it's silly, but have you seen the movie Inside Out? I feel like I have all those characters and then some. It helps to think of my feelings and thought runners in that way because I can have a convo of sorts to help me move forward.

    Not sure if any of this makes sense or is helpful (I may edit later) but wanted to respond because I can totally relate to what you're talking about with being in your own way.

  • SSRequiescenceSSRequiescence

    You are entitled to feel your feelings. So give yourself time to feel them, could be 5 minutes, could be a day (depends on each person) but also don’t dwell on it for too long. Why would you put yourself in such suffering by trying to figure out each persons motives? Your head will be spinning. I used to be the same way, majority of the time I was being paranoid, but the times I was right I realized once I questioned their action(s) and dwelled on the thought for a memorable period of time that was enough for me to remove them from my life. bam! my life got way better and my headspace was way clearer!

    I agree with @CuddleDuncan

  • stormydaycuddlestormydaycuddle Mod

    @quixotic_life genuine question not commentary. Does being too mindful equal compartmentalism? If pushed away too fast do you think anger can bubble? I like the idea. Wondering for a friend. 😛😛🙃😉😉

  • quixotic_lifequixotic_life

    @stormydaycuddle ~ not sure if this answers the question for your friend or not, but my take comes from the Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) model... "DBT mindfulness adds another dimension to the traditional practice of mindfulness: mindfulness without judgment. By practicing non-judgmental present-focused awareness, you are able to attend to thoughts, feelings, and behaviors without engaging in the self-invalidation responsible for persistent emotion dysregulation." So to some extent there may be compartmentalization, but it's only to be temporary.

    The main goal is to not make things worse. By using regulation strategies and having an awareness that our primary and secondary feelings are valid and need tending to (though it may not be best to do so with immediacy), it gives us freedom because we're in control.

  • cuddles_ndreamcuddles_ndream
    edited March 2022

    .

  • [Deleted User]Moxytocin (deleted user)

    @cuddles_ndream I just had to say your story sounds like something I would do! When I'm right and I know I'm right, g@wddangit I'm going to PROVE it and that guy's reaction is maddening! Grrrr

  • cuddles_ndreamcuddles_ndream

    Thank youuuuuuuu 🫂 🫂 🫂 @Moxytocin …. The part where I feel I’m wrong is that I’m wanting him to read my mind & realize that I want him to apologize to me & say he fvcked up, but that’s too easy …. He needs to realize it & do it, till than I won’t mention that this is what he needs to do & im staying pissed about it when it comes to me & him.

  • [Deleted User]Saysoh (deleted user)

    Write. Externalize the internal. Get it out there. When thoughts are in physical form then you expand because you won't rabbit hole into anxiety. Make sense of it, then burn the pages. Don't get lost in your head. Write, burn, sleep.

  • BabichevBabichev
    edited March 2022

    The Serenity Prayer sums it up pretty well:
    Give me the courage to change the things I can,
    Accept the things I can’t,
    And the wisdom to know the difference.

    I really try not to guess at people’s motivations too much. I’m a terrible mind reader and on those rare occasions I get to find out what they really were I usually guessed wrong. More often than not it doesn’t matter anyway. Like, why did this person ghost me? I don’t know but obviously they do not want contact with me. Does it really matter why?

  • KempistKempist

    There is a solution to most mental and emotional issues. A solution that helped me and billions of others for thousands of years. But since it's a taboo subject here and since I have one strike here and am not sure how many strikes until one is out permanently here that's all I'll say.

  • OhioMikeOhioMike

    I’m reminded of a movie quote !

  • DaringSprinterDaringSprinter

    Being as how your "solution" caused pretty much all of my mental and emotional problems, I'd like to thank you sincerely for doing the forever-hold-your-peace bit—however unwillingly.

    Thanks, @snugbuddy.

    Everybody else here has put out some great tips. (I liked @quixotic_life's especially.) Thanks for the thread, @Gallowglass!

  • KempistKempist
    edited March 2022

    You're welcome. It helped with all my problems, including the need to pay someone to cuddle.

  • GallowglassGallowglass

    Some solutions are not one-size-fits-all. If I go to the regular store, with my 2 left-feet, I end up throwing-away resources for extras that don't keep my feet warm.

  • [Deleted User]TheZeroEffect (deleted user)
    edited March 2022

    .

  • quixotic_lifequixotic_life

    @dpl I truly appreciate your intent, but think if someone is considering going down that path they should be encouraged to call their national suicide hotline...
    This site https://www.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines lists more than I've seen anywhere else and includes emergency dispatch (police, fire, medical), suicide prevention lines and, where applicable, links to other resources too.

  • MorpheusMorpheus

    I’ve been seeing a therapist for over six months now. There are several things that I do but the most common and in my opinion, beneficial, is to look at things logically. I don’t candy coat anything or try to look at the world through rose colored glasses. Sometimes things suck and that’s okay. Sometimes I need to listen to sad music to help me though tough times. I don’t need to try to be perfect, all I need to do is what I am okay with doing.

  • GallowglassGallowglass

    @Morpheus wisdom in that.

  • quixotic_lifequixotic_life
    edited March 2022

    I'd like to apologize for my narrow view and earlier comment, as well as any harm it may have caused.

    The following was shared with me privately, and I've been given permission to share it here...

    "Calling a hotline is what the company line is I'm sure but the truth is only a small percentage of people who are serious about that sort of thing are going to call a hotline, so I think it's important to consider that."

    I think there is a lot of wisdom and truth behind those words and I hope that anyone who is struggling will reach out. Reach out to a friend, a family member, a hotline, your doctor's office, someone you only casually know, or perhaps just met. Just reach out, because it's really about connecting and hanging on vs making a choice that's final. 🫂

    ...slightly edited & added to...

    and then I saw this...


    I hope that's true

  • GallowglassGallowglass

    Here're a of couple resources that have resurfaced for me.
    When I find myself trying to figure out my interactions, I've been referring to these, more often. Your mileage may vary.

    The Center for Nonviolent Communication has a lot of resources on healthy communication and related topics.
    I'm trying to check in with myself to understand, when it feels like I'm in a rocking boat on rough, windy, water.

    This first one is a Needs Inventory. It helps me to realize that there are a lot of things that may be influencing my behaviors: https://www.cnvc.org/training/resource/needs-inventory

    The second one is a Feelings Inventory. It has helped me to examine my motivations and the layers of the onion: https://www.cnvc.org/training/resource/feelings-inventory

    Both of these have given me tools, to pause, consider, and to choose my response to situations.
    Again, your mileage may vary. Hope anyone finds this helpful. Peace

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