@Mike403 sorry its taking me so long …. I believe it was January 20 brb
This is off topic and baiting. Sorry. - Babichev
Off topic, irrelevant, and baiting. Don’t do it again. - Babichev
@cuddles_ndream ~ Bully much? Why would you even bring that up?
Oh I’m the bully now 😅 nice : )
It’s interesting how I’m considered to be baiting but someone else’s comment wasn’t … just the way the wheel spins here lol
👍🏼
It was a question. A rhetorical one, but still...
What other purpose could your comments possibly serve here, other than to provide fodder to upset others?
Adding... So you've been waiting since Jan, four months, to throw that in his face?
It's not interesting and you're not a victim. You're just being petty and trollish. 👎
What other purpose could your comments possibly serve here @quixotic_life
You shouldn’t throw stones if you live in a glass house. On that note, gotta run some errands & head to the airport, have a blessed day all 🙃🙂
It's not interesting and you're not a victem. You're just being petty and trollish. 👎
Yep. Transparent AF too.
I most certainly should! I mean that's basically one of my ideas of a hell scape. Don't get me wrong, I love skipping stones, but I fricking hate washing windows!!
Also, as you can see I will go straight up to someone's face (well as close as one can in a public forum) to tell them how I feel. If you're unable to tell me directly that you think I've bullied you, and tell me where that's coming from, that's on you. And just because one person is an asshat, doesn't mean you should be too. Because I have no clue what you're on about and you're doing it intentionally.
Enjoy your errands and have a blessed day yourself.
one person is an asshat
Never wear one in prison. Especially near the shower room.
To be honest, I don't care if a cuddler is attracted to me or pays me a compliment, but it is like NON STOP the men that try to cuddle me and will be trying to move my body on theirs sexually or moan in my ear or worst of all try to put their mouth on me/lick or kiss me. So gross. Thats not what in there to do at all. And it seems like every time I feel a genuinely good guy who enjoys to hire me as his cuddler, he will seem respectful and kind and assure me that he's only there for platonic cuddles and wouldn't dream of anything else, yet then I'll see them again and they try slowly but surely to see how many boundaries they can violate before I get upset with them and for me it's hard to be vocal about a man violating those boundaries especially if we have already established a good rapport and have established trust. I lay there sometimes and just pray they will get the message because I become tense and do not reciprocate any of it. But then usually it just gets worse. Ugh. It makes me not want to cuddle at all anymore.
@Bunny_Kisses - Sorry you're going through that. Many guys want more, but will "settle" for platonic cuddles. Over time, they get too comfortable and try to proceed things further and further into non-platonic territory. Always report them.
For my own edification and growth, I’m trying to distill this thread into a few concise, helpful takeaways/mantras. Here’s what I’ve come up with:
In general, when a woman gives feedback or shares her experience: 1) Believe her experience. 2) Validate her feelings. 3) Don’t defend (whether yourself or the male species). 4) Don’t compare her experience to yours, or to another’s.
I dunno—is that accurate? Anything to change or add?
I read the initial post. I don't see much of a problem in a complement. I can say someone looks nice without wanting any relationship from this person.
@Hellena - Because this site is for platonic meetings only and a compliment followed by an emoji with hearts makes it seem like they're trying to pursuit a romantic relationship with that person. There isn't a shortage of dating sites if that's what they're looking for.
@Mike403 So it's about this emoji? Oh. Ok. I would just ask then if this person means anything non-platonic.
I would avoid giving a compliment based on looks to anybody that I'm not actually dating.
I don't know. To me it feels harmless. But I guess people are different.
Interesting ~ For some of us this has morphed into an evolving conversation based on the title. Where for others it's the content within the original post they're commenting on.
Like two different threads in one. Kinda cool!!
Side note (barely related to either topic): For anyone new to CC &/or my occasional forum diatribes, who may be wondering, "W...T...H... was all that??"
I figured I might take a moment to clarify:
I am well aware that I can come off as one of those "sanctimonious bitches" (shoinked that from a friend), but I'm actually not. I sometimes misinterpret or may be quick to judge, but I own it when I'm in the wrong.
More often than not, when coming across as charged, it's because I'm coming from a place of standing up for others, fairness, inclusivity, etc. It's really not my desire to stoop to targeting a person vs. challenging their ideas and sticking with trying to find common ground. But sometimes...
Sometimes, I too can be an asshat. And when realized, sometimes I may blow it and make things worse by trying to explain where I'd been coming from (an annoying 'justification for having been wrong' habit) but I'm also generally able to hear someone out, [eventually] to see their POV, and if nothing else I can at least empathize and understand that (no matter what my original intent was), what I did or said was harmful, and I apologize. We're all people after all. There's really no need to make it all personal (unless it is).
That said...
Cuddles_ndream and I have gone rounds before. Probably will again. But we are not in the same camp, neighbohood, city full of glass houses, etc. I'm certain of this because mine is built on hisorically accepting my own moments of past asshattery, as well as knowing full well (being the flawed indivudual I am) I'm likely to be an asshat in the future too. I'm not sure what exactly their's is built on but, from the stench and vibe, I'd venture to guess it's garbage (but it could just be a plumbing issue).
Ah... a self fulfilling prophesy of my own petty asshattery... how nice. The real difference between us though, is that I'm not being underhanded about it and it's highly unlikely I'll hold a grudge either. But it is getting harder and harder to look past the number of contradictions as well as their principles that are in complete opposition to mine. Hard to look past supporting the blaming of victims and the drudging up of past BS too.
That kind of behavior does nothing to contribute to a feeling safety here.
all obviously IMO
~ and I'll stop now. er..., for now
edited: condensed ramblings behind the spoiler to reduce scroll clutter for others and fix formatting hiccup.
I agree with @Hellena in that a term of endearment or compliment doesn't necessarily equal sexualization of somebody. Never hurts to ask intent or ask for clarity . If the person is doing something without realizing it is upsetting to the other person, it would only serve to benefit both parties by communicating this . I give verbal affection and compliments to friends all the time . However the context is that we are familiar with each other and neither of us mind giving each other these gestures . Cannot assume this is true for everyone. We are adults and by this point should know how to deal with things we dont like
@pmvines people tend to overcomplicate things a lot. It's just a compliment. That's what I feel. And it's better to clarify things before making conclusions. I'm super direct, so I can just simply say to someone something I feel at the moment, like today I told one guy "I like your beard". And he could've, based on this thread, think that i'm trying to have sex with him. But in reality I just liked his beard. The problem is stereotypical thinking, based on which people operate. It's logical mistake. "Lots of men wanted to have sex with me in the past. This man, who is giving me a compliment, wants that as well." But in reality it could be any number of variables. Just people make conclusions based on their experience, their believes and perceptions.
@Hellena I agree with you on that. I'm comfortable with a lot more than someone else might be, and vice versa others may be more comfortable than me depending on situation . There is a fine line sometimes between blatant cat calling and giving what might be intended as a compliment. People have a right to take something however they take it and I can't really fault them for that. Just feel like communication when something like that is an issue for you is the best route as adults . I have friends who we call each other pet names like babe, cutie , etc. But other friends i wouldn't dream of that with. All about your relationship to that person. I think when meeting someone off the site for the first time and going straight to oh wow you're hot 🥰 is the wrong message to give someone if you are not trying to hit on them . So I can see where someone who is desperately seeking an interaction where they aren't being hit on would be upset by that . And I'm not a woman so it's hard to really be able to pick apart the rationale of why she would be upset, so I think it's best to take her word for it.
@Hellena @pmvines I agree.
@pianomann I think that’s an astute distillation.
Wow. I think it's a good thing that OP deactivated their account because if a simple compliment gets them so distraught then it seems there are more serious underlying emotional issues they need to work out. I hope she's getting the help she needs.
One thing that seems to be missing from this discussion. is an understanding that not all compliments, are created equal. I would think twice (or maybe four or five times) before I I would tell a woman on this site "You look absolutely gorgeous." On the other hand, I wouldn't hesitate in the slightest to tell her "You have a fantastic smile."
Despite the fact that both of those statements are essentially compliments on her looks, they seem to me to be fundamentally different. The problem that I'm having, lies in attempting to define how or why they are different.
@GreatHornedOwl it’s too bad that some people here refuse to understand that and immediately victim blame or shame the OP and others similar to her 😩