@Melancholy Probably it seems clear to you which comments you’re referring to. It’s not clear to me, and I suspect it’s not clear to others either. I understand the hesitancy to call out particular people, but without doing so you’re just making vague insinuations.
@Melancholy I know I can be a jerk and if and when I am and recognize this or it is pointed out to me I typically course correct and try to make it right as that is the right thing to do and I don't just go after people for the purpose of making them feel bad. There might be a disagreement or a lack of ability to find common ground but I dont have any hate or even dislike really for anybody on here . However yes , sometimes people truly do spend an awful lot of time being offended and pouting over things . I can't help that , nor am I going to spend a greater deal of care and energy tending to their victim posturing.
@EGio
I’m not here to continually defend my evidence-based stances against crotchety man-children.
LOL! It's very striking that you're presenting yourself as standing up for good behavior and evidence-based opinions... when in fact you're the one name-calling and not providing any evidence (note that I linked to two threads to illustrate what I was referring to).
Very impressive!
@quixotic_life
Yup @Mike403. I saw you get roughed up and yeah, she got more than she bargained for there. Alas.
I always thought 1+1=11?
Yes, I think there is too much rudeness here. But I am convinced that certain ones that I find particularly rude have disabilities that lend to them being "rude" as others perceive it. Some have social disabilities that prevent then from knowing how to interact civilly with others. Others have mental disabilities and revert to name calling or other childish behaviors because that is the mental age they are incapable of progressing beyond. Still others have various "medical labels" that make their brains work different and they can never see another's point of view. And for those who read posts by these various persons, they may always be seen as rude, bitchy, arrogant, entitled, trolls or whatever.
I try not to see others as anything other than people with differing opinions or viewpoints, until they have posted sufficiently to have enough of their own rope to hang themselves with. And then, once I have concluded something, it is very hard to change my mind about whether this person is 'rude', 'bitchy', or just a trolling moron who likes to hear his own voice because he doesn't interact with enough real-life humans to know how to truly listen, so he hijacks as many threads as he can to make them his own personal monologue that others are too stupid to understand because nobody has as much brains as he, obviously.
@creedhands: Ha! Yes, and 1+3=B. But this is a rather different sort of adding.
As far as the rest of it goes, well. So long as applying a label to a person doesn't distort your view of the actual person, why not call anybody anything you like, in the privacy of your own mind? Shouldn't do anyone any harm.
And if labels have impaired your ability to see reality clearly... well, I just hope your impaired grasp of reality never becomes my problem.
On the subject of the thread, I still think that the amount of perceived rudeness would drop if people realized that those who disagree with them are very, very unlikely to be so invested in someone else's life that they've decided to adopt and cling to contradictory views just to annoy the other guy. If you believe female pros are money-grubbers who don't care about their clients in the slightest, for instance, of course you're going to think anyone who says otherwise is wrong.
That's just what happens when you think a thing is true—you also think anyone who says that it's false is wrong. This is normal (unavoidable, actually), and not a deliberate insult at all. Recognizing that would, I think, decrease the amount of offense taken on the forums at least a little.
My opinion is that often people being upset and offended and hurt is due to an inflexibility to accept a counter point . Even when done delicately and with tact . Like all or nothing . If you dont feel everybody needs to go share about their cuddling and spread the word to join the site then you are against the community and against people joining is one recent example.
With respect to the thread question: Too much unpleasantness. But IMO that’s true of society in general. I’m not sure why I expected anything different here. The comments I find most concerning: When people keep telling others that they’re wrong. We’re here to express our ideas. And hear from others with different viewpoints. As far as I know, there’s no argument to be won. The adversarial approach tends to discourage the quieter voices. And oftentimes, those are the ones I want to hear the most.
Generally agree with @cualtzin and @pmvines ... there is a human element of course other than that would add that perhaps people on here seem more compassionate ... even the willingness to platonically cuddle is an indicator of that.
Uh moderators where has staying on topic gone????
@FunCartel - noted. Thanks.
@DarrenWalker and @lonelybutmaybe - this is fascinating, but off topic. Start a logic thread, or take it to PM please.[-Sid]
Edit: Oh, hey! Found the new thread. Thanks, @Sideon and @SoulcuddlerZ.
I would never type anything that I would not say to the person face to face. I guess in this modern day of the internet that is not the norm.
Honestly I kinda feel like lately there is a push to turn the forums more in the direction of cotton candy rainbows. Which is fine i guess if that's what the current majority wants to talk about. Just has seemed a bit boring and uneventful as of late. I miss the spirited chatter, as well as threads that are actually about cuddling . Too many polls about what kind of linen you prefer and how do you file your taxes, and what's your favorite type of pie .
@pmvines 💯
That's brilliant advice, @waynewv. I've deleted many a comment after writing, simply by asking - "will I be happy to be reading back what I wrote the next day, a month, or a year from now?" If the answer is no, I just don't go there. I've come back and blown away or edited many a comment just because it seemed right to say when I wrote it, but if I come to look back at it a year from today, maybe not.
@waynewv and @pmvines What you said.
Depressing to see how long this has been a problem for.
~ Sunset Snuggles
Some people communicate better in writing and often unless you have met them in person it's hard to detect the nuance and lived experiences.
I also would not say or type anything to anybody that I would not say to them in person.
Sometimes in conversation because it flows quickly misunderstandings happen And on the flip side in writing, another will read it through their lived experience and come up with a totally different perspective on what you were trying to convey.
At least when talking to someone in person you can always asked for clarification that you can't get through a message board.
And other times, you've just got to chain up the axle and drive on. Eventually you'll get it sorted out.
Especially If you are known for thoughtfully considering all aspects before possibly accidentally on occasion sticking your foot in your mouth.
I try not to stick my foot in my mouth often. I live on a farm and god only knows what I would have stepped in prior.
@KYtransplant Well said. Also funny.
I'm glad no one is against this thread being resurrected. I wish I could tell which threads can be safely resurrected. I will just count on the more savvy here to do that
We mods don't have an issue with threads being resurrected as long as the posts are relevant and meaningful.
If folks are just reviving dead threads and contribute the equivalent of an emoji, or a shameless "Hi, I'm new here and I didn't read the forum rules so I'm going to post a selfie!" - I tend to dunk the thread and let it sink. Slowly. But purposefully. To the bottom of the forum heap where it doesn't matter who posts, what is said, it will never rise to the top again. We ensure the dead threads stay dead, then.
@achetocuddle - Not sure about what you mean by “safely” resurrected. Is it interesting? Relevant? Is there new information on the subject? Do you find it interesting? Others will choose to respond or not. If no one is interested, well, no harm done. And if they are, then obviously resurrecting the discussion was not a bad idea.
@pmvines - I hear ya. There is a problem - we don’t seem to be able to have debate and dissension without it turning ugly.
What is “rude”? The answer is very subjective. Many people seem to think they are their ideas and if someone attacks their ideas, then interpret that as an attack on them as a person. They can’t distinguish between a valid argument and a person attack and, as a result, usually turn angry and start indulging in personal attacks. If people would agree to a few simple rules it is quite possible to have a lively and even passionate discussion/debate without it turning personal. I know, I’ve seen it, and it is the culture in scientific circles. I feel fortunate to have been brought up in a culture where asking relevant questions was encouraged and a vigorous exchange of dissenting but well thought out ideas was valued. Unfortunately, that is not necessarily the norm. The internet has only made things worse. It seems that the first rule of the internet is that if someone can find a way to be offended by a remark they will be. Always interpret what you read in the most hostile manner possible, always assume the worst intentions. Instead of reading and responding to what someone actually says, they respond to their own emotional reaction to it. This always leads to a downward spiral that’s pretty difficult to redirect and so the discussions get shut down.
You are right, though. What’s left is not that interesting. I don’t care too much about someone’s favorite color. I like discussions that draw out interesting thoughts. It seems difficult to accomplish in any sustained manner.
Moderating the forums when things get lively is not fun. I’ve mostly stopped reading the forums as a result, for better or worse. Mostly I just check out flagged comments and figure people here are supposed to be adults, they ought to know how to play well together and they ought to not be so easily bruised. If you can’t take bumping around with others then don’t get into the middle of the fray on the playground.
I studied massage with a Russian massage teacher for 10 years. Before I met her a colleague described her as “very Eastern European.” I did not know what he meant until after I met her. She was very blunt, to the point, and did not hold back on her opinions. And she definitely had opinions. Although I also was a bit taken aback at first I appreciated her honesty. She said that she did not trust Americans, particularly Midwesterners, because they never told you what they really thought, it was considered impolite. I could see her point.
I have some notoriety in some massage therapy circles. I’ve been committed to bringing the field of massage therapy into the 21st century for my entire career. It means I’m often bringing unwelcome information into a community that would prefer to stay ill-informed. I would occasionally be told: “Well, okay, maybe what you are saying is right but I don’t like the way you say it.” In other words, a complaint of style rather than substance. In every case I would invite them to express what I was saying in language they approved of. Never once did anyone do that. I think it’s because it was the information itself that gave them a headache but they knew they did not have the evidence to refute it so they resorted to distraction with complaints about “tone” or with personal attacks. So it goes.
I think if one can stick to the topic and to ideas and stay off of persons, that goes a long way to keeping a conversation civilized. And if one is committed to not getting offended, that helps a lot. I’m a fan of Crocker’s Rules and play by them.
I thrive on lively conversation but I don’t know where to find it these days and I’ve become dull-witted. The pandemic really created a sudden halt that I - and others - are still recovering from, trying to figure out how to pick up where we left off or if that’s possible.
I don't know. I have mixed feelings about censorship depending on what the issue is. I think you get a lot of valuable information even if it's negative information. As a person who pays attention to small details when screening, I'd like to see people's true colors, but at the same time it's quite annoying when one person dominates every single thread with the same narrative and pushes everyone else to not want to participate. I have blocked people after reading some of the things they have posted thinking I never want to meet this person and I doubt I'll remember their comment if we should ever run into each other later.
As far as fostering a supportive community, I feel ok with what I see. I know you might hate the arguments that happen over an incel posting how much they resent women for whatever, but it's reassuring to see people jump into the argument and genuinely try to help the person understand, and overall, I feel like the vibe is a teaching and supportive community that deals with very emotional topics and results in arguments. That's to be expected.
@KYtransplant 😂😂😂 Oh my goodness..... I can relate!
I feel like I've been here for a minute now..... @CuddleDuncan started this 2 years ago and it was smack dab in the middle of the pandemic that shall not be named. Frustrations were high and isolation was unraveling everyone.
As far as forums go.... I've only had experience with them here. I have seen a multitude of different threads, different posters, huge fights and disagreements but as the experienced, active OG cuddlers like @pmvines @FunCartel @DaringSprinter (who was here a LONG time before that user name!) and @Sideon mentioned there is a hope that we could have meaningful exchanges without it turning into ugliness so quickly.
I too remember a time when there was a more **balanced ** forum that had some pixie dust and rainbows, positivity, cuddling, and also really tough subjects on board for discussion without having so many explosive attacks to all of the users.
@Babichev has tried to use all of her skills to teach us the benefit of not being so easily offended and to stop trying to ATTACH our identity to our ideas.
I think if one can stick to the _topic _ and to _ideas _ and stay off of persons, that goes a long way to keeping a conversation civilized. And if one is committed to not getting offended, that helps a lot. I’m a fan of Crocker’s Rules and play by them.
I love what @quixotic_life mentioned about CHOOSING to believe the best about people and their posts....
How about those who've said some variation of, "Ouch that hurts" and the other replied, "Oh, sorry not my intent." and things move on...
I have found it a bit challenging that the majority of the threads aren't even really about cuddling. That is the MAJOR thing that connects us in this community. I also feel a bit frustrated with so many "Hi I didn't read anything else that's posted, because I want everyone to pay attention to me instead of adding something to a thread that has the same content" but that's just me. I'd rather read a really long thread that has a MILLION photos of pets than have 30 new threads saying the same thing.
We are the community creating this experience. It will ebb and flow based on the people who are most active. I just wish ideas/opinions laced with kindness would be the common thread woven through everything.
I think it's exhausting and discouraging sometimes to see the same topics come up over and over again as new waves of cuddlers come through. But the thing is cuddling is much more than holding someone and connecting with them physically and emotionally, sometimes cuddling is being an educator. I try to teach people to understand boundaries and respect and concepts around autonomy and basic consent practices and how to interact with another person's body in general. I see the forum as being this place where people can semi-anonymously really ask that question. "why can't I just have this thing" and receive some pretty honest and brutal responses sometimes, and I think that's GOOD. I think we do need to be faced with struggles that humans have when trying to connect. This is a place to learn and damn it, it's hard sometimes! That doesn't mean it isn't valuable.
This is a business. As a business, I imagine that boring is better. Who would want to own a mcdonalds where customers are always fighting?
All the more reasons for boner threads