Advice - Take some, give some!

Comments

• SunsetSnuggles

  July 2022

  Alright peeps, I’d like some advice. Before you ask, yes, I’ve already talked with my boyfriend and various friends about this, but I’m still unsure what to do and would like to throw my net wider for those who have perhaps encountered similar sticky family situations, before.

  Here’s the deal… My relative and her significant other, who live in another state, broke up many months ago. It’s a nasty situation, though I don’t know much about it, nor do I want to be privy to their relationship drama.

  Now here’s the thing…her ex is like an uncle to me. He has been part of our family for a decade, and has been there for us through thick and thin, bringing food to us when we’re sick, spending hours and countless days at the hospital, on and on. He means something to me. He’s done nothing wrong to me.

  Should I continue to have a relationship with him? I am closer to him than many of my blood relations. I know he cares for me, wants the best for me, and misses me.

  Should I ask my relative what to do? Should I have a relationship with him and tell my relative that it’s my choice, regardless of her wishes, because after ten years, he is like family? Should I have a relationship with him and not tell my relative unless she asks? Should I not have a relationship with him out of respect for my relative – blood is thicker than water? Should I wait six months or a year for their break-up to cool down, then ask my relative about it?

  I’m frustrated that I feel I must choose between family and “family”. Everyone else has cut him out of their lives without a second thought. I want a relationship with this man, but not at the expense of my relationship with my relative.

  If anyone has been in a similar situation or has helpful advice, I would really appreciate it.

  ~ Sunset Snuggles
• CuddleDuncan Mod

  July 2022 edited July 2022

  Maintain the connection with the ex if they would like that too. Tell your relative about it at an appropriate moment, which may be 'not yet'. No virtue in secrets. Thank her for the introduction. (This is assuming it does not turn out that he did something heinous, which from your description sounds unlikely.)

  Respect her position as your relative, so for example make it clear that you would not invite him to an event to which you were inviting her. Blood is, as you say, thicker than water.

  Although, as my sister always points out, custard is thicker than blood.

  If maintaining this connection was to make your relative fall out with you, that is her stuff not yours. She doesn't get to decide who your friends are.

  Relationship breakups only turn nasty when one person, or both, is being an arse. The resolution to this conundrum is likely to reveal who it was. You may prefer not to discover that, in which case it might be better to part with the ex on good terms

  Even if you do maintain the connection, given the loss of the reason that you know each other (and the distance) it is likely to dissipate in time in any event.
• Jubal

  July 2022

  Rub her feet.

  Always store beer in a cold, dark place.

  When the need arises--and it does--you must be able too shoot your own dog. Don’t farm it out--that doesn’t make it nicer, it makes it worse.

  Throughout history, poverty is the normal condition of man. Advances which permit this norm to be exceeded--here and there, now and then--are the work of an extremely small minority, frequently despised, often condemned, and almost always opposed by all right-thinking people. Whenever this tiny minority is kept from creating, or (as sometimes happens) is driven out of a society, the people then slip back into abject poverty. This is known as “bad luck.”

  The more you love, the more you can love--and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had Time Enough, he could Love all of the majority who are decent and just.
• TheFunCartel

  July 2022

  @Jubal Great advice. How often is your tongue stuck in your cheek?
• Jubal

  July 2022

  @FunCartel To be fair, not very often. Although I liberally spread the ideas of an old mentor shamelessly (keeping a promise that I made years ago). Even though though the advice nuggets I posted aren't my original ideas, I stand by the truth of them.
• TNNative

  July 2022

  I agree with @CuddleDuncan

  As an example, when I divorced years ago I realized that the relationship my sister, her husband (both who introduced me to my ex, so they had established relationship before my meeting him), and their children had with "Uncle" was unique to them. I told everyone that if they maintained their relationship with him was between him and them, and that I would not be hurt. I state this knowing that my divorce was amicable.

  You don't have to be blood to be family.
• GreatHornedOwl

  July 2022 edited July 2022

  @CuddleDuncan Gives you good advice, but I would modify one piece. I agree that you would not want to invite both of them to any kind of a small event. However, if the event would be big enough so that they manage to avoid each other, I wouldn't hesitate.
• MorganMont81

  July 2022

  I agree with @CuddleDuncan. That tends to be the path I lean towards.

  Some people whether family likes it or not are meant to be in our lives as well. Not just the family member’s. Sometimes we are meant to be in there’s. 🤗