How do your cuddling sessions normally flow?

tacpmurgtacpmurg
edited August 2022 in General

I am starting to be curious about how you all usually cuddle since the expectations/responses in these threads differ quite a bit from what I have experienced over the years. Especially when you all talk about boundaries and confirming them, I find it so weird you guys don't. Anyone willing to share their experiences?

I have developed a bit of a formula at this point:

1.Shower before hand / deodorant + VERY LIGHT perfume / brush teeth / clean house + make bed / open windows and air out / confirm bathrooms stocked / have money ready
2. Clothing is usually a long tank top with leggings
3. Meet at the door
4. Small talk as we enter
5. Immediately point out where the restrooms are, and if pro I will have money in plain envelope in view at entrance
6. Sit on the couch and invite the person to make themselves comfortable, wait for them to eventually sit
7. Ask if they are hungry, usually ordering some delivery via app so I dont have to call (indian or thai are popular, and I always let them choose the type and their own food)
8. While waiting on delivery keep distance on couch and simply talk so cuddler so they can feel my personality out/get comfortable
9. Let them do most of the talking/direction of conversation (I like to learn about people and I'm rather boring)
10. Politely interrupt and check if they need water, if yes I make sure to use a new cup and let them hear me pour the filter water from the fridge (seems dumb but I find this important as having the water in advance can be misconstrued as trying to drug them, safety first ladies, men take notes women have to worry bout this crap)
11. Eventually food arrives and I will offer to go grab it and they can stay (show of trust, additionally allows them time to check the money if they so choose)
12. Share a meal and chat some more
13. BRUSH TEETH AFTER (so important after indian food lol, or spicy pad thai)
14. After both are happily full and comfortable ask if happy to transition to bedroom/bed
15. Crawl in under the covers (I keep my place cold so by now we both want to warm each other up)
16. Transition straight to laying on back and letting them curl up in crook of shoulder/chest (I find this is the most NEUTRAL cuddling position I can offer, as it allows both of us to get comfortable with each other without being overly intimate or familiar right off the bat)
17. STOP AND CONFIRM BOUNDARIES BEFORE ANYTHING ELSE:

  • Are you comfortable with touching behind or on the neck (abuse victims/victims of trauma have huge issues with this so always ask)

    • Are you comfortable with touching on the face (some people REALLY do not like being touched on the face)
    • Are you comfortable with head scritches or stroking the head (I usually don't get a no here, but I have so I ask)
    • Are there any other locations you specifically would not like me to touch (the usual response are outer thigh is fine, legs are fine, arms are fine, back is fine, stomach is fine, no privates and no chest)

    I wont bore you with the rest, but from there I always continue to:

    • Reconfirm comfort every couple of 15ish minutes or any new activity such as new touch or position ("Still comfortable?", "Is this fine?")
    • Check that they are enjoying themselves
    • Encourage them to speak up if something isn't right or they wish to change positions
    • If they flinch or seem hesitant for WHATEVER reason hands immediately off (this usually results in a "no no you're fine", but so many cues of discomfort are non-verbal I will do it every time)
    • Listen to them and keep conversations light and happy, often making jokes
    • Most importantly if there is any sort of "No" to these answers or there is any feeling of discomfort I will stop the session and stand up until its resolved. This may seem alien to some of you, but I feel it would be hard to voice those concerns or resolve them with someone so close in proximity with their hands on them.

EDIT

OH the ending, I forgot. I keep a close eye on the clock, and 15 minutes prior I will let them know it's time to start wrapping up. My bed can be VERY hard to get out of as it is very comfy, so I will get out first and let them slowly get the energy to get up. We will make to the door after they grab all their stuff, exchange thank you's and a hug, and they usually opt to walk themselves out.

This is always about 5 min BEFORE the end, as I am a stickler for keeping to the schedules.

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Comments

  • Ironman294Ironman294

    I never cuddle in a full stomach so if we order food or go have food it’s after the cuddle, but that’s just a preference. I try and keep my baby bump as small as possible 😂😂

  • tacpmurgtacpmurg
    edited August 2022

    Man I LOVE cuddling after eating. Food and cuddling seem to go hand in hand to me, they both release a hell of a lot of endorphins.

  • Minestrone101Minestrone101
    edited August 2022

    Wow, that's very well thought out. My routine is more simple:

    • shower
    • brush teeth and mouthwash
    • clean clothes
    • arrive and change to pj's
    • light touching on couch while chatting
    • cuddle in bed, chit chat and check on each other (and ask about positions and comfort/boundaries when we change)
    • time flies
    • force myself out of bed
    • change and finish
    • thank and hug
  • zerocantaloupezerocantaloupe

  • tacpmurgtacpmurg

    @zerocantaloupe Hey say what you like, but those checklists are there to ensure safety and quality! I HAVE QUALITY CONTROL ZERO! lol

  • zerocantaloupezerocantaloupe

    i offer six sigma cuddles

  • tacpmurgtacpmurg

    @zerocantaloupe let me just bust out this RACI chart real quick

  • zerocantaloupezerocantaloupe
    edited August 2022

    It appears we have a boner condition, so let me pull out the mitigation checklist…step one: have you thought about baseball?

  • SunsetSnugglesSunsetSnuggles
    edited August 2022

    @tacpmurg Your flow is amazing, I would be delighted to experience cuddles with someone so detail-oriented, respectful, and thoughtful. I totally get you, and know that you have reasons for every step of what you do. You deeply remind me of myself. I will say that I have OCD and details like this are very much a part of that.

    Thus far, I have almost exclusively had park cuddles, so I don't have a house flow like you do. Personally I wouldn't want to lose cuddle time with eating, hehe, and a lot of people also feel self-conscious eating in front of someone, but otherwise I love your methods.

    In general, in my limited in-person experience, I become friends with someone online, and by the time we meet in person, we're very comfortable. 😊 I like to have a non-cuddle meet-up first to talk as friends, then later, schedule a one on one cuddle.

    ~ Sunset Snuggles

  • tacpmurgtacpmurg

    @SunsetSnuggles thank you! Yea I am a very detail oriented person, I feel most safe and comfortable when following a guideline/routine.

    Personally I wouldn't want to lose cuddle time with eating

    I hear this from the pros quite a bit, asking if I am sure about burning time not cuddling. I personally don't mind, I cuddle to relax and decompress and simply enjoying these very interesting people's company helps me with that

  • CuddleDuncanCuddleDuncan Mod

    Your flow chart is extremely similar to mine except that we don't eat, not at a first cuddle anyway. I also do the boundary checking while still on the couch. I offer a choice of on the bed or (if I'm comfortable with it) in the bed and make it clear it's a genuine choice and I'm happy either way. I've been looked at as if I was mad both ways round, but most people pause for a millisecond then choose.

    I'm chilled out about ending times. If it's a professional I'll let them handle it, if it's an enthusiast I'll probably make some plan beforehand depending on schedules, but sometimes it's pretty much open-ended.

    I check every new position, even with a professional, the first time we do it, but I'm not pedantic about keeping the checkins going throughout the session if I believe the person is comfortable. On the other hand I have gone so far as to suggest terminating the session when I felt the person (a professional I knew well) wasn't comfortable.

    Few other details I think about. I allocate the guest their own space for coat, bag, etc. in the living room so they have easy access to it all. I always keep the guest between me and the door, so I'm not blocking their exit. I offer tea/coffee: few accept, but if they do I invite them into the kitchen "so we can talk to each other" but really so they can watch me make it. They get choice of bed side, if they want it.

    Oh, and I don't tidy up excessively. Very important.

  • tacpmurgtacpmurg

    @CuddleDuncan

    I always keep the guest between me and the door, so I'm not blocking their exit.

    WOW this is such a good one, I am definitely going to start doing this I can't believe I haven't thought about it before!

    Oh, and I don't tidy up excessively. Very important.

    May I ask why? I obsess a bit about making sure the place is very clean.

  • CharlieBearCharlieBear Mod

    Ha I have a whole detailed checklist in my head but I’m afraid to write it down because it would be overwhelming. I’ll try to condense it as much as I can:

    • Change bedding/tidy up home to reassure I’m not a slob.
    • Shower reeeeeal good/brush teeth like I’m meeting royalty because I am.
    • Make introduction and give positive vibes by being my nerdy self.
    • If they are a pro handle financials while trying not to be awkward.
    • Point to bathrooms & show optimal escape routes 😂
    • Get to bed and chat to get to know one another.
    • Go over boundaries beyond the obvious and start cuddling.
    • Cry in my head when it’s over and walk them back to their car.
  • tacpmurgtacpmurg

    @Charlie_Bear

    Cry in my head when it’s over and walk them back to their car.

    Too real. I don't want to make it awkward so I will never say it out loud, but my inner monologue is definitely like, "Noooo don't go this was so nice!"

    But that's what repeat sessions are for!

  • ubergigglefritzubergigglefritz

    @tacpmurg I am similar. I love sharing meals. (But if someone is providing me food, that includes one hour for that time to eat, so it has no impact on cuddle time). I am a big foodie, so it's absolutely a treat when sessions or overnights include a meal. 😇

  • tacpmurgtacpmurg

    @ubergigglefritz thats very considerate of you

  • CuddleDuncanCuddleDuncan Mod

    @tacpmurg I think there are two reasons. (And obviously we are talking about the middle ground here, the best place to aim when a stranger is coming. If you know the person's tidiness preference, then naturally you would adapt to it.)

    Firstly, tidying up is being secretive. Indeed, that's the whole point. To hide how you really live and present a socially acceptable average. You're removing the personal aspects of the place, and making it neutral. This is good in many contexts, but it's not the right start for a cuddling relationship which is based on intimacy and trust, especially when you are trying to get to a high level of intimacy and trust very quickly. Better to create a sense of openness.

    Secondly, if your best friend was coming, you wouldn't tidy up. You are comfortable with them, they are comfortable with you, there is no need and no point. When I go to my sister's house she may offer me a cup of tea, but she may not because if I want a cup of tea I'm familiar enough to just put the kettle on and make it. A house that has visibly been tidied makes the guest feel like, well, a guest. Whereas a house that looks just like how a normal house looks most of the time makes them feel like family.

    It's important to draw distinction between cleanliness and tidiness. Cleanliness is essential. The bathroom must be spotless and the sheets clean and unused. But the detritus of the day - the breakfast dishes; the work papers from this morning; perhaps some clean laundry drying discretely in a corner or last night's nightmare pan still soaking... these things are just normal life. Everybody has them, why pretend I don't?

    I suppose the subliminal message is, "I'm showing that I'm comfortable with you, so it's ok for you to be comfortable with me".

  • MCcuddles2MCcuddles2
    edited August 2022

    This is pretty much exactly like my list, except we don't eat.

    I also offer bottled water, as the person would feel more comfortable with an unopened container.

    I also offer the person to use a closed room if they want to change, as that is probably more comfortable than changing in a bathroom.

    Another difference is that we sit in front of each other, on cushions, in a meditative pose before the session starts. We take some deep breaths, eyes closed, guided by me, while lightly holding hands.

    Once we've taken a few breaths, I verbally set an intention to share time and space, while letting our energies intermingle. We take a few more breaths and I invite the person to open their eyes and come back when they are ready. Then we move into the session.

    I close the session with the same meditative exercise, thinking them for strong time and space with me.

  • ubergigglefritzubergigglefritz

    @CuddleDuncan I LOVE your explanation, lol. Maybe I should use it for inspiration as a part of my disclaimer for people coming to my house for the first time. 😂 I clean the guest room and the guest bathroom (and space at the table if we'll be eating), but the rest of the house is absolutely as I live it. I just can't seem to get everything together enough in my life to have it all exactly as I would like, lol. Maybe one day...

    @tacpmurg I genuinely enjoy my time with my clients. It is possible to both have boundaries and respect for my time AND to not come across as if money is all I care about. 💜

  • [Deleted User]Btown (deleted user)

    Hmm, and here I am without a checklist.

  • zerocantaloupezerocantaloupe

    Can you really call your cuddles professional without complying with ISO 9001?

  • CuddleWhoCuddleWho
    edited August 2022

    I shower and brush my teeth before they arrive, then we lay around and cuddle and talk. Sometimes we listen to music and/or watch a show. That's about it.

    I do occasionally ask if she's OK with a specific kind of touch (for instance, I may ask about touching her hair, because a few people don't like that), but generally neither I nor she talks much about our boundaries. IMO what 99.9% of people want is someone who is empathetic, shows them respect, and will happily respect their wishes regarding their bodily autonomy, whether expressed implicitly or explicitly... not someone who's constantly asking for verbal consent about every little thing.

  • RadiantHugsRadiantHugs Mod

    I don't have a checklist, though I always shower beforehand, and brush my teeth before a session (this applies to all forms of bodywork sessions). For cuddle sessions specifically, I change into fresh cuddle clothes before the session. Other than that, being respectful of another and another's space and time is my main guideline.

  • SunsetSnugglesSunsetSnuggles

    @CuddleDuncan As a daughter of a very organized woman, I have to disagree with a lot of your generalizations. :p

    You posted: "If you know the person's tidiness preference, then naturally you would adapt to it."
    I definitely don't adapt my tidiness for anyone's preference; I wouldn't be messier for a slob, nor scrub my floors with a toothbrush for a neat freak. I keep to my natural state because it is for me and my emotional happiness, and it is the way I like to present my space to visitors, regardless of if they will be impressed or disappointed by it.

    You posted: "tidying up is being secretive. Indeed, that's the whole point. To hide how you really live"
    For those who enjoy minimalism, organization, etc., it's simply what makes us feel good and happy. It is also a sign of respect for that person, that you put effort into making your space presentable, just as you shower and put on deodorant before a cuddle session. That isn't being secretive about your body odor, it's simply taking pride in your personal ambience and showing regard for the other person's experience.

    You posted: "if your best friend was coming, you wouldn't tidy up."
    & "Everybody has them, why pretend I don't?"
    I like to present a clean and uncluttered space for anyone coming to my house. It isn't about pretending, it's about having standards and showing care.

    That is all, I'm off to mop the floors. ;) JK

    ~ Sunset Snuggles

  • MeyousMeyous

    I don't know but it seems like a lot to me & I like simplicity. Pros' profiles should list boundaries without becoming a book, if you agree, we meet.
    This is a business & a file, for lack of a better word, should be kept of all the people interviewed initially so WE already know what WE like/want in the session. Yes, priority is given to individuals who employ our professional service to be the main focus, but, if we as cuddlers have to remind them constantly of boundaries (no respect), well, that warrants a hard-stop & that's the name of that tune. Period. The meet-ups prior to cuddling open discussions of boundaries, oh, & furthermore they've already agreed after viewing profiles on cuddlecomfort.com & it is documented & dated.

  • achetocuddleachetocuddle

    @Charlie_Bear Your post is so endearing and sweetly comical.

    One time I did stand between my cuddle buddy and the door and they had to point it out, as they were getting ready to leave. I still don't know why I didn't notice that on my own, but I'm gonna make sure there is not a repeat.

  • achetocuddleachetocuddle

    @CuddleDuncan I agree with your philosophy about tidiness. I feel welcomed when I go to a real friend's house and it is not freshly tidied and would like to convey that feeling during cuddles I host.

  • tacpmurgtacpmurg
    edited August 2022

    edit

    Wrong thread for this comment

  • zerocantaloupezerocantaloupe

    @tacpmurg I'm sorry if I was being a jerk. I thought you were enjoying the snark.

  • achetocuddleachetocuddle

    @tacpmurg You do seem to enjoy snark (which is more than fine), but your sarcasm is subtle for me and some others. I'm not even sure how to take your last post. Rest assured @zerocantaloupe has been consistently nice and capable of holding good convo. The things you may disagree with are often coming from large quantities of personal experience and at least from mostly people with good intentions. I enjoy reading your posts. I hope you continue to post.

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