Growing up with touch and New laws

Minestrone101Minestrone101
in General

Hey everyone. So I spent most of my adult life working with children: camps, after care, daycare , teaching martial arts, etc.

I vividly remember in 2005, while working at the YMCA, where our director stated extrinsically that teachers were no longer allowed to have any contact with kids. That meant no hugs, no sitting on the lap, no piggy back rides, etc. Maybe a high five or a pat on the back for good work was allowed. Also, this rule was more strict with male teachers and counselors.

While I understand the reason for this: to reduce incidents of child or sexual abuse, it was without its consequences: students usually like their teachers and the first thing they used to do when arriving or leaving was giving their teachers a big hug or Koala on their pant leg.

I also remember when this rule was first implemented and the look of hurt and disappointment when kids would arrive and run over with their arms raised to hug and get picked up, and I had to physically step back and tell them it's no longer allowed.

I just wonder what lasting impact this lack of touch has had on younger generations.

Comments

  • [Deleted User]WriterGF (deleted user)

    I grew up in the '70s and never got touched by a teacher or camp counselor. I got my hugs, etc. from my family.

  • SuperManCuddlesSuperManCuddles

    @cylee1180 I had a similar experience working as a YMCA camp counselor in 2008! The rules were also harder on male camp counselors as well! Thank you very much for sharing!

  • CuddleWhoCuddleWho

    Yeah I grew up in the 80s and can't remember having any physical contact with an adult outside my family.

  • BabichevBabichev

    When I was growing up in the 50s & 60s teachers and camp counselors did not hug children and no one seemed to expect it outside of their own family. In the late 60s, early 70s, a friend of mine was a day camp counselor and I don’t recall what happened with one of the kids but he was cautioned not to be hugging/touching kids. I worked in a preschool program for kids living in a housing project in 1969 and I don’t recall us ever hugging children. However, I did have very long, blond hair and when class was over and kids were waiting to get picked up, a few of them would gather around me and braid my hair. They were fascinated by my hair because it was so different than theirs. (All but one of the kids were black.) No one seemed to mind that, perhaps because it was the kids touching me and only my hair.

  • achetocuddleachetocuddle

    @cylee1180 I've wondered what restricted platonic touch has done to the younger generations, but I see why those regulations were put into place. I still grieve for every child that was hurt by it. So many kids would be helped by having the choice of regularly climbing into the lap of a person they like and trust.

  • Mike403Mike403

    If you go on YouTube and look up child predators, the amount of people getting exposed trying to meet children for dishonorable activities is sickening. It's a huge problem. It isn't just Chris Hansen doing the catches anymore. All types of people including high paying doctors were caught. Why they would want to throw away their entire career for that is mind boggling. You can't trust anybody anymore.

  • Minestrone101Minestrone101

    @SuperManCuddles @achetocuddle Yeah. That change was sudden. It was a big deal at the time and I wonder broader changes it has created.

    @WriterGF @Babichev Honestly, I don't remember hugging any adults either at school or camp , but I can't say for you - in my case it didn't mean it didn't happen. I remember really liking an assistant teacher in kindergarten, and must have ran to him for at least one hug as a kid - I never remember any incidents of him stepping back or red tape being put up (that would have sucked). I must have hugged at least one teacher in high school , even at a graduation, major concert , after school club, or end of a school year. I feel it would have been uneventful bc there was no taboo and it was not a lasting memory- tbh , I don't know bc that was 25 to 35 years ago. Although, the fist bump might have been an equalizer. Lol

    Also, braiding sounded awesome!

    @Mike403 I totally get that and it's gross. I tried reporting a coworker when I taught chess - he used to keep elementary and middle school kids after sessions for 5-15 mins. He tried requesting a girl from my intermediate group to go to his Beginner group but I kept denying him. Lol. He had a new lame excuse or compound excuse every week for a month. But, there is a cost too: not being comfortable with touch means you're less likely to receive and initiate hugs and other forms of hugs in our personal lives and that has lots of micro effects in many areas of our lives imo.

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel
    edited August 2022

    I grew up on military bases in the 60s and 70s and most of my extracurriculars were on base so I took the fighting arts, baseball, football, hung out at the library, etc on base. Touch was not shied away from but it was in the form of grabbing the scruff of the neck, the back of the shirt, and other forms of aggressive touch as kids were also treated as property of the US Government. So there’s touch and then there is touch that leaves bruises. Curiously, if you wound up in a military hospital, it became clinical to the point of you wondering if you had cooties, so when you needed a reassuring touch the most it was denied. This was partially so dependents would want to leave the military healthcare system quickly because the only people they really wanted using those beds were soldiers. Spouses and dependents cost the government money and this was during wartime so it was an inconvenience and a money drain that I required ongoing surgeries as a child, but offered nothing in return to the government to advance the war effort. I was in a ward with 9 others in a room and watched a kid die in an oxygen tent cross from me and then lay there dead for six hours unattended. No one was by his side when he passed and all the corpsman did was turn off the breathing machine and move it out of the room. The mother was not notified until the morning. The memory of the isolation of him and indifference towards him still sticks with me like it happened yesterday.

    I guess you could say touch in a military environment is a spartan approach—a good whack is productive while a hug is incongruous to the military’s purpose.

  • [Deleted User]WriterGF (deleted user)

    I have a 12 year old daughter. I much prefer that teachers and counselors not be putting their hands on her. She has me and her mom and her grandparents for physical affection.

  • TNNativeTNNative

    @FunCartel … OMG, your experience in the military hospital. How terrible for you and the young person who passed away. 😫

  • Minestrone101Minestrone101
    edited August 2022

    @WriterGF - That's cool and that could be something you could address w a teacher, school , or program.

    My bigger point isn't about who touches who, but the larger ramifications of certain safeguards:

    • no more jungle gyms, seesaws, or those metal carousels at parks bc someone could get injured
    • no more fireworks in many states bc a few pple blew up their hands
    • kids can't be home alone or play outside by themselves or in a small group, etc.
    • Having all college or public school classrooms electronically locked to safeguard from potential school shootings

    I'm def. not pro-molestation or forced/coerced touch nor pro-school shootings, but safeguarding too many things could lead to may things:

    • less coordination (more accidents)
    • less fun (no fireworks or seesaws :'( )
    • not understanding touch in personal relationships and how to set boundaries
    • children (and adults as a result) that lack independence
    • fewer spaces in academia to simply chill or study alone

    Surely, I understand safety is important, but sanitizing everything also has its consequences and lasting effects too. For example, I used to love chilling in empty classrooms in college bc it was a way for me to center myself- that's almost impossible today bc all these auto locks are in place for that slight chance of a mass shooter.

    I hope we can have these types of discussions without having knee jerk reactions or pointing fingers. I'm just saying there are good reasons and long term effects of each side, and that should be considered.

  • TheMidnightOwlTheMidnightOwl
    edited August 2022

    Sounds about right for the military. People are treated as property and commodity, not human beings. I don’t miss that at all. And feel foolish for sacrificing myself to a war machine that crushed me to bits without hesitation for getting in their way by actually having honor, unlike the 💩bags that comprised the majority of those around me.

    For what it’s worth, many of us only received abusive touch at home, so if we didn’t get safe touch from others we didn’t get it at all. One of my most vivid childhood memories was in fourth grade receiving safe, appropriate touch from my teacher. Nobody had ever done anything like that before, and it was a balm to my severely wounded and neglected heart.

    I get that we must be cautious of adults grooming and sexually abusing children, but we must also be aware that denying them any safe touch is also neglect. And it will have a profoundly negative impact on that child’s developing brain. It is apparent that a large percentage of people are on this site because of childhood touch deprivation and emotional neglect.

  • [Deleted User]WriterGF (deleted user)

    @cylee1180 Some of what you are discussing comes down to liability. If a kid gets injured, somebody is going to get sued. But also, the world has changed or our perception of it has ... my parents were okay with me walking across town and back by myself. I'd hesitate to let my daughter do that.

  • dontrememberdontremember

    I grew up in an all-boys boarding school in the 70's. We lived at the school for 8 - 9 months of the year, with 3-4 weeks at home over Christmas and Easter, and 6-8 weeks of the summer. The only touch we had was from pushing and shoving in the hallways going to class or in line for meals. And of course, contact sports like soccer and rugby. There were the usual ugly rumours about certain boys/staff being a little too friendly, but as far as I know those were just teasing/bullying by little cliques of friends picking on someone who was slightly different. I don't recall anyone being kicked out for inappropriate touching.

  • achetocuddleachetocuddle

    @cylee1180 I agree. I also believe over-sanitizing has contributed to unhappiness (this could be included on global unhappiness thread).

  • CharlieBearCharlieBear Mod

    @cylee1180 im ok with no fireworks where I’m at. We have so many wildfires in California that I’ll stick to watching fireworks from a hill overlooking the mall and six flags.

  • Minestrone101Minestrone101

    @Charlie_Bear That makes sense. That's dangerous. Is it outlawed? I know someone who accidentally started a wildfire at a park. It wasn't pretty.

  • BabichevBabichev

    @cylee1180 - I’m not aware of entire states banning fireworks but they have been banned in St. Louis City and St. Louis county for as long as I can remember, that is nothing new. As for it being “a few” people blowing up their hands - according to the Consumer Product Safety Commission, 11,500 people were injured by fireworks in 2021. That’s more than a few and that’s with existing bans in place.

    I do think it’s a shame that a lot of playground equipment has been eliminated. We live in a litigious society.

    https://www.king5.com/article/news/nation-world/firework-injuries/507-3e7e086a-09a7-42f7-9022-1119d2a041f2

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