Lost a dear friend

SitaRoseeSitaRosee
in General

I work as a caregiver. I had an elderly client who I became friends with. He was so sweet to me. Treated me like a granddaughter. I’ve never had experience that feeling in my life. What it would be like to have a grandpa. I truly did love him and cared for him. Now that he’s gone, I don’t know how to feel. I haven’t been able to stop crying, I am going to miss him so much. Im heartbroken though. Trying so hard to get better. The holidays feel so depressing this year, I’ve experienced so much loss, my heart is not doing so well. I often don’t even know if my decisions are well, I suffer from illnesses that really make it difficult for me on a daily basis. Losing my friend, I don’t know how to feel other than extremely sad…. Sorry for the long post of sadness. I try to keep most to myself.

Comments

  • [Deleted User]penwah (deleted user)

    I am so very sorry for your loss. It's always hard when we lose anyone, especially someone we consider family. I was trying to see if there was a way to message you directly. There is a support group that you might find helpful. It's called grief share. I lost both my dad and boyfriend within a short amount of time last year before Thanksgiving. I did find it helpful. Also wanted to let you know that the group does meet in a church.

  • Carrie_AnneCarrie_Anne

    I’m sorry to read of your feelings of sadness from losing someone so close. he became your real grandpa and you his real granddaughter. I know you’re so grateful for that relationship. He will always be there with you.
    When I lost my parents, eventually I realized there was no more fear anticipation of the inevitable. from then on I knew exactly where they were for me I chose that place in my heart and mind and I picture them there every day 🤗

  • ShakeShake

    Didn't know him, but it sounds like he was grateful to have you in his life. I'm so sorry you to go through this. Feel whatever it is you need to fell. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. ❤️

  • blisscuddlesblisscuddles

    @SitaRosee It’s hard losing someone you have cared for deeply, even as part of your job. Hope you find comfort in the feeling that you made his life so much more better being there for him.

  • SunsetSnugglesSunsetSnuggles

    Even people we've known for a short time can make a big impact on our lives, and leave a big gap when they pass away. Hugs going out to you.

    ~ Sunset Snuggles

  • sunnysideupsunnysideup

    Sorry for your loss - it was amazing that you were able meet someone like that. Sounds like you both cherished each others time and were blessed to have shares that. He’s living on in you in some way, shape, or form and I’m sure he’d want you to be happy.

  • KamikaziNinja86KamikaziNinja86

    @SitaRosee I am so sorry for your loss. Do not bottle it up, find a healthy outlet so you can deal with that loss and eventually start to heal. The pain doesn't go away but it does get easier to live with.

  • CuddleDuncanCuddleDuncan Mod

    @SitaRosee sounds to me like you're doing just fine. You've lost somebody you loved, you're supposed to be crying all the time. That's how grief works.

    Don't try and control it too hard ... you'll lose. What you can do is manage it a little: you are going to have a good cry every day for the time being, so schedule in some time for it. Doesn't always work - grief can hit when you least expect it - but sometimes it can help.

    In the meantime, tell us a bit about him. What was he like?

  • MissAdventurousMissAdventurous

    Come visit me and get some Christmas cheer in honey. I love you and your strength in how you care for others. Just let me know, I'll set aside the guest room. Call me later on if you are up for it.

    🎄💓

  • SitaRoseeSitaRosee

    Thank you all for your kind words, I think it’s a great idea to speak to you all about him. He was 102, 102 years of a long beautiful life. He informed me, during World War 2, he wrote a letter to the government, for him to not have to be drafted for war, because he was attending a university here in the state of Washington. I thought that was so amazing for the country to ultimately respect he was furthering his education. His oldest daughter being in her 70s spoke so highly of him, I had mentioned to him he must have been such an amazing father, for his children to always be there, if he woke up not feeling well, they always came and spent time with him, it spoke highly to me that he had been an amazing father to them. When I would visit him, he would always say “give me your hand sweetheart “ and I would! And he would hold it while we talked to each other, and I always immediately felt safe. I felt comfortable. I felt like he was the kindest person to share that moment with. He was often in pain so had to take many different medications, as his condition got worse, I was told if it got too emotional for me, that I could take a step back, and to let them know. And I thought to myself “are you kidding me? No. Im fine” cause yes I was fine. I could push and see him however he was to feel any day, I wanted to be there for him. I wanted so bad to see him happy as much as I can. I understand my job is to be there for someone at the end of their chapter, which I feel is such an important chapter. So recently he was going to have an event to paint ornaments, he expressed to me he would go to it but he can’t see very well, so he’d figured that’s what would have prevented him from going. I asked him if I can go with him, will he like that? He said yes! So I had gotten permission from my job to volunteer time, I didn’t want to be paid for that time because I wanted it to be focused more on the Christmas event of it, not like an opportunity for me to make extra cash. So I was allowed to come by and visit. Once I arrived, I found him in the residential common area, where someone came by to play the piano for the elderly. He was sitting in his wheelchair by himself. I pulled up a chair next to him and notified him I was beside him. He looks at me and says “wow! You really came by!!” I was like yes! Off course I would! And I smiled. He asked me for my hand, I felt immediate joy. As the piano played, he started dancing with my hand. It was so special and so sweet, I felt if he could get up and dance, he would have! He loved to dance, he loved music, he loved poetry. And every moment I shared with him I got to see the beauty of a man that he was. He was a very beautiful human and I’m gonna miss him so much. He was the first elder to let me sing to him, he truly made my life so special. Any time before I left, I would always ask him if I could give him a hug, and he would always say off course darling! And he would hug me and sometimes he would kiss my hand, I never minded because he truly made me feel like I was his friend, our friendship was very unique, I’m so heartbroken by this loss

  • SoftHairForDaysSoftHairForDays

    I'm so sorry, Hon. My inbox is always open if you need to talk. 🫂💜

  • CuddleDuncanCuddleDuncan Mod

    Thank you @SitaRosee, that was really lovely. Sounds like you truly were his friend, and he really appreciated that.

    Tell us more about him if you would like, whenever you like. Maybe today, maybe next month or next year.

    Tip for life. Folk who are bereaved frequently want nothing more than a chance to talk about the person they have lost. There is no need to be scared of mentioning it - quite the opposite. Talking about the person who has gone - sometimes saying the same things over and over again - is an important part of the recovery process.

  • MelancholyMelancholy

    @SitaRosee very sorry for your loss.
    Caregivers have a special place in my heart. When my mom was in hospice and before going into hospice I feel like her caregiver was caring for us too. It's a very difficult job and takes so much emotional energy I really respect you so much for doing it.
    I hope the grief you feel now gets less painful each day.

  • bobadevoteebobadevotee

    I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s always more painful when it happens around the holidays. I hope you can take a small comfort in knowing that you helped improve his time here during the end, supporting him and being there.

  • KamikaziNinja86KamikaziNinja86

    @SitaRosee he sounds like he was and amazing person and that you had an amazing friendship with him.

  • SitaRoseeSitaRosee

    Thank you all for your kind words. I struggle with addressing everyone individually like I normally can. Most tasks right now feel so difficult for me to handle. I have thought maybe it’s a good time for treatment. But every year my mental illness has affected where I am for the holidays. It’s so hard to imagine myself once again restricted from the world because my mental health gets so bad. So i really don’t want to see myself once again in a treatment center. I’m trying to be strong and see the good of what I do. But I get attached. I genuinely care for the well being of my clients. I’m not prepared for the moment I’ll come into work or get the text that they have passed. Because they become such a great part of my life, my daily, weekly schedule revolves around what can I do to keep their life feeling spontaneous and pleasant. So I plan things for us. With my dear friend who just passed, I read him The Notebook this fall. Every time I came back to read to him, he had forgotten the story and what it was about, so throughout the entire book I kept the same enthusiasm when I read to him. Even though there where days I was going through personal issues. It was my job to not allow them to intervene in my job. And my job was for me to come read to him. That was sweet enough. All the other ways I cared for him during my job, that was a human being helping another human being. Because when we age, we will need help, there’s no shame in that. I care for them either way. So reading to him, and keeping the same enthusiasm, was very important. I got through the whole book before thanking I believe. It was so sweet, because he told me stories as well in between chapters of his personal experience. He had also cared for his wife who had that illness from the book. I enjoyed pausing and hearing him out. I enjoyed his stories because I’ve always loved sharing stories myself. I also read him his book, and I was in the process of re reading it to him again. He wrote a poetry book, I thought it was so beautiful. His poems about his life, the way he grew up, his loves. Their traveling adventures, how being in love felt for him, aging, how he felt about aging, the process day to day how it affected him. He would ask me what I thought about each of his poems, mind you English is my second Language. I struggle. He would ask me to spell the word I struggled with, he would put it together and then give me the definition of the word and what it meant. I would always thank him because I need to improve, I love to improve and he was helping me. For his birthday, the card I gave him, he had me read it to him many times, it was so sweet! I had never had someone in my life show so much appreciation and re read a card I personally gave them In front of me like that, so the joy I was feeling felt endless. Felt like wow he is such a sweet man without even trying, I adored him. I just hope I can be strong because it’s hard to be strong sometimes.

  • TNNativeTNNative

    @SitaRosee I am so sorry for your loss. I totally agree with the advice CuddleDuncan has put in his posts. Allow yourself to grieve this loss openly. All of us in this forum are here for you, willing to "listen" whenever you want to share your thoughts. Hugs for you.

  • JoyfulHeartJoyfulHeart

    @SitaRosee I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm sending you a big hug!!

  • JubalJubal

    @SitaRosee from what you've said, you clearly made a positive difference at the end of his life. Too many elderly people have no one near the end, and I have no doubt that your time and care was an amazing gift to him.

    For what its worth, I do end-of-life planning and estate planning for elderly people in my job. It still shakes me up when one of my clients dies, so you're not alone in these feelings.

  • SitaRoseeSitaRosee

    Good morning everyone! Thank you for everything everyone has said, I have been having a difficult time with this, but I’m also trying to think of what I can do for his family. I had an idea yesterday that I’m going to do my best to begin. He loved art. I haven’t painted in years, but if I can paint something so beautiful to give to his family at the funeral, in honor of him and to celebrate him. I would love to find the inspiration within to do that. That would be meaningful ❤️

  • GreatHornedOwlGreatHornedOwl

    The best possible inspiration would be him, himself. If you could manage either a portrait, or a caricature, I don't thing you could find a better subject.

  • MissAdventurousMissAdventurous

  • Finnegan2017Finnegan2017

    This shows exactly why those who choose to work with others do so because it's a calling. @SitaRosee you clearly mattered a lot to this person, and him to you. We can feel grief for all sorts of losses in our lives. Sounds to me like you're handling things well. If you ever need to reach out, looks like there are a lot of people around who would be more than happy to extend a virtual shoulder.

  • CallMeMikeyCallMeMikey

    Sending good thoughts your way. Any good thoughts and memories you have of your friend will reach him.

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