Where can I go to make connections?

GibstackGibstack
edited December 2022 in General

I sit here on New Year's eve hoping that next year I won't be as lonely as i have been for the past few months. I've tried everything that I can from my position and I've pretty much only failed. I don't know what to do to not be lonely anymore. I have some friends that I know, but like, I don't have any intimate connections (read: intimacy like this described intimacy https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/intimacy-vs-isolation#definitions). None of the friends I have are people that I can easily hang out with; a lot of the friends I have don't "jump online" when I ask them if they want to do a voice call (which just gives me the impression that - sure, they're busy sometimes - but also that they don't really want to hang out with me that much. if someone did, someone would ask me first sometimes).

I have a job and I get along with people at work. But like, so many people at work are in a relationship or married, and I don't really feel comfortable asking anyone about anything outside of work knowing that. I don't really know how to come off correctly (if that's even possible) as someone who is just looking for friends outside of work without it looking like I have a crush on them or something. Many of the other people at work are far out of my age range (I should be able to find people to hang out with people who are <30, as a 21 year old), and for the occasion that someone is accessible to me as a potential outside-of-work friend, I still don't have the confidence most of the time anyway. Being at work is about the only thing that is keeping me from not being lonely 24/7.

Dating apps are not where it's at. I tried being honest, I tried being fake, I tried being quirky and I tried being "cool". I tried looking for only "serious" relationships, looking for friends, or just looking for "casual" things, (I'm not really looking for "casual" things at all, but like, I'm also looking for any connection, too, so, whatever would get me to match with someone - I've tried it). I've tried a variety of different apps, and only had any successful interactions on a hyper-specific app for asexual people (called asexualcupid, if you happen to be asexual, I would actually recommend this - the best shot I've seen for a dating app), but I've only talked with a couple people still from a few states away, and those connections could fizzle at any time. No other app has given me almost any response. (a couple of "matches" with people who are just plugging their onlyfans or whatever, for example... nothing with anyone looking to know my profile)

I'm going back to school eventually (probably) but not until mental health suggests that I will be able to complete the semester and beyond that I go back, since I already failed once. Still, when I was in school for the past 2 years, it was really hard to meet anyone there either. A lot of the people in my major were people that I tried being friends with just didn't reciprocate, and later I learned that pretty much all of them were in fraternities or whatever (the "greek life" stuff). I only really made friends with a small group of people and that took over a year and a half for me. I don't think I could make it through that again, waiting, knowing that it's not even certain it would happen again.

I've asked some people who live near me about where to go to meet people, and they just didn't have an answer ("I don't know honestly"). There isn't really much to do locally that i can think of either (hence why I asked others) and it feels like I'm stuck here.

and I know making another post online (i've posted these similar thoughts to friends who i best believed could help, over reddit, over you name it) isn't going to help anything. there are millions of other people feeling the same wya with no hope of changing. but it feels like the only thing i can do to fill this time where i'm too sad to enjoy doing other things.

Sometimes it just feels like if I can't make connections, I don't know why I'm here. If nobody wants to hang out with me or really know who I am, I don't know why I'm here. If I have value, and no one has ever seen it, I don't know why I'm here.

happy new year tonight.

Comments

  • RezzRezz

    I tell people this all the time and I stand by it. If you like EDM go to a show. You're in Michigan and there's tons of events and artists that come through your area.

    I can walk into a show not knowing a soul and walk away with anywhere from 3-20 new connections, a few of which have become my closest friends.

    I have never felt more alive, safe and happier than being at a show, festival or underground rave surrounded by acceptance.

    You absolutely have value you just haven't found the right people to help show you your worth. ❤️

    I hope this new year brings you all the happiness you seek.

  • SunsetSnugglesSunsetSnuggles

    You express yourself very well. I look for that, top of the list, so you're doing great, there. 😉

    I don't know what the MeetUp.com scene is like where you live, but I would start there. Look for groups that go hiking or play board games or do anything where there can be conversation and connection.

    Don't be afraid to invite co-workers to something; you make it sound non-crushy by casually offering to hang out in a very non-datey situation.

    Look at the community bulletin boards at the library, little restaurants, etc. to see what kind of events or classes are available around town, and start integrating yourself into them.

    Best of luck from someone with plenty of social anxiety to go around! 🤗

    ~ Sunset Snuggles

  • xeldaxelda

    I hear ya. I find it difficult to make the kinds of connections I would like. It helps to really know yourself so that you can look for matches, clearly articulate who you are and what you want to do.

    Do you have any passions or hobbies that you can connect with people about? Meetups is a good suggestion (I personally haven't followed up on any meetup stuff, because I balk at the idea of a group of strangers!). But I do look for opportunities to connect 1 on 1 or in small groups. For example, someone posted on a local FB group saying they were new to the area and looking for things to do. After scoping out their profile and thinking they were ok, I messaged them privately with a list of things I'd be interested in doing... I was specific... drinks, food, going for a walk, playing a game of cards or going to a movie. Knowing myself and offering specific suggestions allowed them to respond accordingly, and I had a buddy for a couple of fun activities.

  • blisscuddlesblisscuddles

    Volunteering is a great way to not only find self fulfillment in helping others but also making connections with other kind hearts. Keep an open mind, self care through personal actions and hope you find wonderful meaningful connections this new year. Being connected to your own inner self will only help build yourself and your connections.

  • MelancholyMelancholy

    Pretty sure sideon will close this thread.
    But until that happens
    I suggest you find a hobby. Something that involves others.
    Heck you could join a bowling league. I made friends that way before.
    Or take tennis classes.
    Anything like that might help !!

  • GibstackGibstack
    edited December 2022

    @Melancholy why would the thread be closed? it's not a big deal to me but I wouldn't know why

    @ everyone thanks for the suggestions and thoughts. i'll be looking into them going forward. none of them i'd really thought about much recently, if at all.

  • SideonSideon

    @Melancholy - baiting much? Behave.

  • pty1999pty1999
    edited December 2022

    @Gibstack It seems like the fear of not being accepted causes you a great amount of social anxiety. It is hard for everyone not to give power over our emotions and behaviors to that fear of rejection and not getting acceptance. If that anxiety is heightened by an anxiety disorder or something even worse like psychosis it can make the people around you uncomfortable. I would suggest that you try a meditation group or yoga class because they are meant to help people decrease their anxiety and provide socialization. Plus yoga girls are hot so you might find a date. Dating apps suck

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