Platonic Cuddling is Not a Prelude to Sex

BlueIrisBlueIris Mod
in General

I've just published a new article on my website: http://cuddlegarden.com/index.php/2018/01/28/platonic-cuddling-is-not-a-prelude-to-sex/

Some of you may be wondering why I don't publish my articles on the CuddleComfort blog any more. @Mark and I have discussed it. While he would like to publish them here, whenever the same content is published on more than one website, it can have negative effects for one of them, and Mark has had that happen before. I felt that I needed the original content to attract new visitors and encourage repeat visitors to my website, which Mark understands. He has kindly allowed me the privilege of linking my articles in forum posts on CC.

Comments

  • SideonSideon

    Excellent, @BlueIris. I hope more folks who are walking that thin line of inappropriate expectations take the time to read, educate themselves, and be informed.

  • BlueIrisBlueIris Mod

    @Sideon - Thank you!!

    Someone pm'd me on here, reminding me that it's not just men who push boundaries. Excellent point. I can only write of my own experience and the collective experiences of those who have discussed such things with me, which up to now have been mostly women. Therefore, I have no idea of how prevalent women pushing boundaries is. It's good to have a discussion on both sides of the issue.

  • [Deleted User]ShoShoZ (deleted user)

    @BlueIris excellent article - I believe you hit the nail well on the head. Unfortunately, we live in a world with people who can't appreciate the intimacy without the sex, and those people should also understand that platonic cuddling is not for everyone.

    There are some couples where platonic cuddling did lead to a sexual or otherwise more intimate relationship. In that case, I would say that it couldn't have been the only factor. There would have to be other positive chemistry between the two people such that platonic cuddling helped to escalate the intimacy to such a level.

  • BlueIrisBlueIris Mod

    @ShoShoZZ - I agree with you, platonic cuddling is not for everyone. It takes a lot of control on both sides at times not to go any farther than it should. And I agree with your other remarks, too. It takes more than just cuddling or just a physical attraction to create and sustain a full blown relationship. There has to be a fair amount of compatibility in a lot of other areas for it to work.

  • [Deleted User]jbo729 (deleted user)

    On point as usual, @blueIris. Men are sex obsessed b/c it's the only culturally acceptable way they can receive touch and keep their manhood intact. Our culture is a sexual predator making machine. Porn only shows agro, sweaty, roided out aggression. Not that it lets any men off the hook for their actions, but we can't be shocked when assault happens as much as it does. A lack of platonic touch between men in particular hurts us culturally, and i think that has a lot to answer for. Women have to fulfill all of men's need for touch, whereas women, even sisters, are free to touch each other with no judgement. Our physical and emotional isolation leaves us neurotic and feeling like something has to be missing. And society won't tell us that we need platonic touch b/c that's something it can't market to us like sex, food, clothes, success. So our need for touch gets buried under all the other instant gratification that doesn't feed us emotionally.

  • BlueIrisBlueIris Mod
    edited January 2018

    @jbo729 - That's so incredibly unfair, and having read what you wrote makes me want to come over and cuddle you right now!

    You've given me an idea.

    I wonder if holding a seminar on platonic touch would help introduce men to the idea that it isn't something to be ashamed of, that there's nothing wrong with them that they would crave touch and to be held, and to explain what to expect in a platonic cuddle. I'm going to try that in Clearwater after I'm settled in. The Florida Cuddlers thread is on its deathbed, and I think it needs some life injected into it. This might be just the thing.

  • AshleyCuddlesAshleyCuddles

    Instead of a seminar since you are trying to give the guys confidence that they may not have yet what about a webinar? Could reach and help more guys. I do think its a good idea though.

  • BlueIrisBlueIris Mod

    @o0ashley - I wouldn't even begin to know how to do a webinar, but it's a great idea. I may attempt that if I'm able to put together a successful seminar. I think I need to start small and do several of them first because each one will be an improvement on the previous. If they go well, then I'd feel like I could "graduate" to a webinar. Thanks for the suggestion!

  • [Deleted User]SJSpooner (deleted user)

    @BlueIris - Thank you very much for this article! Should be required reading - although, as others have pointed out, there will always be those people who turn to this site to have their 'needs' met and have no intention of honoring the rules/standards of this community.

    I have not been around here long and I can already tell that is going to be difficult to find a male cuddle partner who really 'gets' the concept of platonic cuddling.

    One thing that I wanted to mention (maybe I should start a new thread), is that as a woman I find it difficult to get my cuddle and touch needs met unless I am in a sexual relationship or I pay for a professional therapeutic massage - which is, of course, not the same as being held in someone's arms.

    I do not come from a 'touchy' family and I do not touch my female friends beyond a hug every now and then. It is just not the way I tend to interact with them.

    I have been reading a lot about the issue of men not being able to get their platonic touch needs met. I just wanted to share my own experience - to let people know that there are also women out here who suffer from lack of non-sexual touch.

    Many of the men who have contacted me so far seem to think that I am here to 'service' their cuddling needs (even though I am not a pro cuddler) and don't understand/care that I am seeking a mutually beneficial exchange.

  • BlueIrisBlueIris Mod

    @SJSpooner - It may be time-consuming to find a cuddle partner with whom you feel comfortable and compatible, but there are quite a few on this site who do get the concept of platonic cuddling. I've been with almost a dozen of them, and you can ask any professional cuddler on this site, and she will tell you the same.

    There are those who don't bother to explore the site and think it's a hookup site, and those who do get it. All the women on this site get inappropriate messages from time to time. @Mark counts on us to report them so he can get them out of here. Thank you for posting, and please don't give up.

  • [Deleted User]SJSpooner (deleted user)

    @BlueIris - Thanks! I appreciate your encouragement. And I am a patient person, so I am sure I'll find someone eventually.

    I see that you are a professional cuddler. I am not.

    Just wondering - in your opinion, do you think that as a professional you have had better luck finding men who really get the concept of platonic cuddling? Maybe they have taken the time to really learn about it and are more invested in playing by the rules because they have chosen to pay for it.

    This just occurred to me, and I thought I would ask. Thanks again.

  • BlueIrisBlueIris Mod
    edited January 2018

    After receiving a few comments, I've added a paragraph to my article. It was not the intent of the article to blame men for being the way that they've been socialized. It's hard to overcome or go against your conditioning. Rather, the intent was to let them know that there are women out there who understand why they are the way they are and that it's not necessarily an obstacle to platonic cuddling. Here's the additional paragraph:

    This article is not an attempt at blaming men for the ways in which they are socialized. It is an attempt to let them know that there are women who understand their need for touch, who understand that sometimes it's difficult -- and even painful at times -- for them to articulate this need and still feel like a man. There are women who understand that the ways that men are socialized that at times makes it difficult to redirect their sex drive and be content with nonsexual touch. We get it, and it's in our nature to want to nurture you, to try and fix it and to give you what you need. Nothing makes me want to cuddle a man more than when he trusts me enough to reveal something that's painful or difficult.

  • BlueIrisBlueIris Mod

    @SJSpooner - Whether one is a professional or an enthusiast, it makes no difference: we all get inappropriate messages from time to time simply because we are women. In fact, there are some men with such an attitude of entitlement because they're "paying for it," that their messages are completely repugnant. Some don't even feel the need for common politeness and treat us like we're prostitutes because they're "paying for it." Some of them make completely inappropriate requests and feel that we're required to acquiesce because they're "paying for it." I'm glad these guys exist, because they're so easy to weed out and report. But I'd far rather focus on the positive.

    There are quite a lot of wonderful men on this site. It's why I ditched dating sites. The men I was meeting on CuddleComfort were of such high quality for the most part that the few guys I came across who don't get it are simply water off a duck's back. I've only been a professional for six weeks, but I cuddled as an enthusiast on this site for three months. I would say 99% of my experiences have been good ones. But it did take me a good six weeks to find anyone local. Before that, I was being messaged mostly by men from out of state. But I was happy to correspond with them, as they turned out to be great friends and became my support system. And that's a great thing to have.

  • [Deleted User]SJSpooner (deleted user)

    @BlueIris - Thanks for taking the time to respond. I appreciate and value your opinion.

    And I know I am certainly not alone in receiving inappropriate messages. I did not to make it sound like I was the only woman experiencing it. Some days my skin is a bit thicker than other days, ya know?

    Hope you are enjoying your day!

  • MorpheusMorpheus
    edited January 2018

    @Blueiris where did you gather your research from for this article? What studies? I would love to see the data and research, that would be amazing.

  • BlueIrisBlueIris Mod
    edited January 2018

    @Morpheus - I'm not a journalist, and this is not a thesis. It's an opinion piece based on my experience, the experiences of women I've talked to and on articles I've read so long ago that I wouldn't be able to find them to quote them. If you're looking for articles with data and research, you'll probably need to go to medical journals, but I doubt you'll find anything about cuddling there.

  • calineurcalineur

    @SJSpooner :"Maybe they have taken the time to really learn about it and are more invested in playing by the rules because they have chosen to pay for it."

    It sounds as though you have reasoned this one out well.

    Not only that, though. First, the idea needs to be planted in the mind. Then it takes a while for a guy (speaking for myself here) to understand the sheer pleasure of getting hugs for the sake of hugs, and being able to control the other part to maintain the "platonic" status of the experience.

    And although I can only speak for myself, there are definitely men who understand the concept of patonic cuddling. I don't know what the minimum age is for these hard-to-find men, however, as for myself as well it is still a relatively new concept. I wouldn't have thought of doing it just a short time ago. I think I really didn't even think of it until I saw the advertisements on Craigslist.org (Although I was already doing it with my massage therapist.)

    Although the concept of cuddle exchange without the exchange of money is a good idea from a financial point of view, I too became impatient and decided to seek the professionals, as I had a better idea of what I would get, plus I knew that she expected me to want to cuddle because, well, that is what she was offering and what I was ordering. I recently had what I would call a wonderful experience from a professional from this site, but also still have the goal of finding enthusiasts with whom I can do exchange as well.

  • LoreleiLorelei

    A well written piece, in my opinion; accurate to what I've experienced personally and also to my past studies into the medical effects of physical contact and bonding.

    I hope people will listen, but in order to learn, everyone has to come to that information with an open mind. I regret that not everyone will, and ... it greatly saddened me when I expressed some frustration to a (male) friend about how many men attempted to get more from me than I was offering, and my friend--who does truly understand my goal as a pro cuddler--responded with "What did you expect? Of course they see it that way."

    I'm not sad for myself, mind you. I'm sad that it's so engrained in our society that closeness / comfort / affection just automatically equals sex. That anyone who offers their services as a masseuse seems to be at a similar risk, even though their work is just as legitimate and innocent as my own. :c Human kindness really shouldn't be seen as always having a hidden agenda.

    It also occurs to me that I now feel much more sympathy toward my asexual friends who just... DON'T desire sex and the world keeps trying to push it on them, insisting that it knows better what they want; or doesn't even care what they want and as long as peer pressure keeps pushing, my friends will eventually cave and accept it as part of their lives anyway.

  • [Deleted User]curiousgeorge1 (deleted user)

    One aspect I think is overlooked, is that females can push boundaries as much as men. Just look at the inappropriate profile section. I have had female coworkers make comments or suggest nonplatonic activities one would not be appropriate for coworkers. My cuddling experiance is not from this site, but i have had female cuddlers try to cross the line. I quickly shut that down.. this is not to say that is common. I only have a small sample size.

  • BlueIrisBlueIris Mod

    @curiousgeorge1 - You're right about that, of course. However, I think it's easier for women to make the distinction between pure affection and affection as a prelude to sex. We're conditioned differently. Women are pressured more NOT to have sex or risk being labeled as whores, whereas men are conditioned to push for sex because it's supposedly the manly thing to do.

  • [Deleted User]curiousgeorge1 (deleted user)
    edited January 2018

    I beg to differ in that generalization. I think if a man was taught to respect women that would also mean to not go past any boundary agreed upon. Anf this website is platonic, so that SHOULD be easy for both parties to know where the boundaries are.

  • cuddlebugTMcuddlebugTM

    I know men don’t like the generalization but sadly there is a large portion of men who don’t have respect for boundaries. Whether they weren’t taught this or bought into the message that manly means sexually aggressive . This is why daily ( not here ) I have to block men who think dick pics are a good way to connect with a woman . Yes I know there are women who push boundaries as well and I think they deserve to be banned from here just as much as men .

  • [Deleted User]curiousgeorge1 (deleted user)
    edited January 2018

    It is sad that people (men and women are equally as bad at times) often dont respect boundaries or even worse need a dictionary to explain what platonic means. No one gender has the trademark on harassment. I work around mainly females and they can be as bad as any male. Everyone needs to be careful and exercise common sense and self control. Not that hard people. Sad this even has to be brought up.

  • [Deleted User]jbo729 (deleted user)

    @calineur this is relatively new to me too. I even used to have a platonic cuddle buddy years ago but we never called it that, i just thought of it as a weird one-off thing. I never thought of it as something i could find again for some reason. Platonic affection is never really talked about so most people don't think about it.

    @blueiris that's a great idea! It might also be a good way to meet some new cuddle buds in the area.

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