Guys with boundaries, please stand up.

SunsetSnugglesSunsetSnuggles
in General

Sup, peeps.

I could just use the mental encouragement of hearing from guys with boundaries of their own, here.

Please drop a comment if you have some, because I'm getting saddened and jaded by the sense that of the "two" of us, I'm the only one setting boundaries.

Last week I was told verbatim, "You can do whatever, I don't have any boundaries." My sarcastic reply was, "Oh, so I can molest you right here?" No response but a laugh.

Don't worry about me, nothing has happened, I'm just feeling worn down. Love you all. 💙

Guys, what are your boundaries?

~ Sunset Snuggles

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Comments

  • SuperManCuddlesSuperManCuddles

    Positive energy, respect and following the site rules.

  • SOV74XSOV74X

    You should report that person so they get removed from the site...

  • BlackKalelBlackKalel

    Like I put my profile I don't like to help trapped. No holding my arms down. No laying on top of me. Not listed but don't like my face being touched.

    Oh normally I need a coffee date or something beforehand to talk about boundaries more.

  • SunsetSnugglesSunsetSnuggles

    @SWILSON73X There was no misconduct, just a total lack of boundaries expressed on their end, and that is sadly not the first time I've run into this. In December someone told me their meds knocked them out and I "could do anything"...I was like, okay, so you want to get robbed? shakes my head

    @BlackKalel Thank you for being so open and honest, I love that you give very specific boundaries of exactly what you don't want done. Perfect, this is what I would so appreciate seeing more of. This builds trust in so many ways.

    ~ Sunset Snuggles

  • auniqueguyauniqueguy

    I rarely have a desire to participate in the forum but this caught my attention.
    I had a provider aggressively try to break every boundary there could be.
    I can handle myself in situations and I simply cut our session short. I then blocked her. I didn’t bother to report her because there is the possibility it wouldn’t be anonymous to the other party.
    I am a go with the flow kinda person. I have had mixed experiences here. Some people are cold and just going through the motion. Some are into the therapeutics of it and some are into more.
    It is all about communication before the session and trusting your instincts.
    I have cancelled when I simply didn’t have a good vibe about someone.
    90 percent of the time it has been perfect. But the other ten percent either felt like a waste of money or for some other reason wasn’t great.

  • [Deleted User]natickben (deleted user)

    I always discuss boundaries, including mine. Basic stuff including just stating out loud that the experience is totally platonic AND that no money will change hands at all (I don’t book with pros, part of my boundaries!). I don’t like being tickled, so I state that. I set some general boundaries for contact after-giving some space to process and let the good brain chemistry settle a bit. I don’t generally cuddle if there is a third party there hanging out/observing/etc.

  • MelancholyMelancholy

    I was trying to explain something related to this to a female friend that I recommended join this site a while ago.
    She keeps encountering men who push boundaries and because she is not able to say no (do to a fear response from past trauma) they keep doing more than they're supposed to.
    She was asking why cant' men stop pushing boundaries since she can't say no?
    I didn't have a good answer for that. I think in reality what she's found is that MOST men will do much more than you're supposed to as long as the woman doesn't say no.
    That seems to be what you've encountered as well, but in your case you're saying no...but imagine if you never said no....that's her reality.
    So I'm sorry most men are like that. I'm sure you'll get a bunch of guys swearing up and down they'd never do that or that most men don't do that. But you know the truth

  • tacpmurgtacpmurg
    edited February 2023

    Im guilty of wanting to learn a great deal about my cuddlers as I love to listen, but I get VERY uncomfortable when they ask me personal questions (im a bit of a hypocrite). There have been a few who have asked things that honestly make my jaw drop and I have yet to learn how to properly let them know "thats kinda way out of bounds".

    I always double check and let them know we can stop talking about something at any time, I really wish everyone gave the same courtesy.

    EDIT

    Guys/gals.. w/e

  • MegaSnugglezMegaSnugglez

    Respect, boundaries, communication.

    When people meet for a platonic cuddle I assume as two adults we both understand what the word platonic means. I think communication is a huge boundary for me being able to communicate back and forth about we like and don’t like in that platonic sense during a cuddle. Example being some people love head scratches some people don’t so asking is always so important. I am always aware of where my body and hands are when cuddling to try and avoid any accidental hitting or touching. Making sure both people are feeling comfortable and safe and feel respected is something i appreciate and want the people I’m with to feel.

  • CharlieBearCharlieBear Mod

    @SunsetSnuggles in my earlier days I had said something similar about having no boundaries, but I meant it as if it was implied that anything not platonic was obviously not part of that. That was of course a big mistake on my part because of course it’s most likely gonna come off as non-platonic touch is wanted. So to anyone else reading this, nothing should ever be considered assumed or implied. Even with someone you have cuddled with before, you should always get consent before doing anything, even things you had done before with them. Like maybe they don’t want their hair felt that day. Always be safe.

  • CharlieBearCharlieBear Mod

    @Melancholy that is horrible that she is having to deal with that. I don’t feel qualified to give advice on how to deal with the trauma associated with being unable to verbalize saying no, especially since her consent isn’t even asked, but it seems like she may need to cuddle with people she is more comfortable with and can practice giving, and not giving, consent.

    And I know this is not something I need to explain to you, but for people reading this in general, I get the need to people please, I really struggle with saying no as well. But telling someone no is something we need to work on because it’s not fair to put those that do ask for consent in a position where consent appears to be given when internally it’s not.

  • [Deleted User]MrAdmirer (deleted user)

    My only boundaries is no touching the junk and no kissing. I can’t think of anything else that crossed the platonic line.

  • SuperManCuddlesSuperManCuddles

    @Charlie_Bear Facilitated cuddle parties are great for consent practice! Usually members are gathered in smaller groups. Each group member takes turns asking many questions, saying “yes” and “no”. It’s a wonderful practice drill before any cuddling occurs!🤗

  • cudbud64cudbud64

    @MegaSnugglez I truly wish it was that way. I had several conversations with a cuddler about why only platonic touch was so important for me right now and why I would only participate in platonic touch, both over text and in person during a first meet, and still during cuddling the boundary for unwanted touch was still crossed. It can be incredibly intimidating to find yourself having to say no or to try to physically remove yourself from a situation when you just don't know what the other person's response might be. Appreciate you've mentioned being aware of yourself/your body, I feel like that's pretty important.

    @ literally anyone.... If you're in the beginning stages of getting to know someone and their body language...When in doubt, unless someone is enthusiastically responding to the/your touch, it probably needed verbal consent first.

    @SunsetSnuggles thanks for prompting a very important conversation. Sending good vibes your way.

  • CharlieBearCharlieBear Mod

    @SuperManCuddles that is how I just spent my Valentine’s Day evening! The consent workshop is fresh on my mind, and yes it was indeed great!

  • Taco_WeekdayTaco_Weekday

    Thankfully, I've always been on the same page as the pros with whom I've had sessions (never cuddled with an enthusiast). Over the years, I've progressed from following their boundaries to establishing my own.

    Aside from the guidelines already in place with pros, I also don't like being tickled. It hasn't happened yet, but I've grown enough to speak up for myself if/when it does happen.

  • GreatHornedOwlGreatHornedOwl

    @SunsetSnuggles - You seem to have discovered that evolution has caused men's brains to be wired differently than women's brains. Just look at two male bighorn sheep battering their heads together. Look at two male deer, wrestling with their antlers, and sometimes getting them so interlocked that it kills both of them. Look at male frogs battling in a vernal pond. Look at a male cardinal in the spring, battering his beak against a window pane, because he sees his reflection. All of these things, and many more, are battles to win the right to procreate.

    Without this evolutionary trait, the human race would never have developed to the point where we are today. You females are the prizes that we males fight for. There are times when women appreciate that trait in men, but you pay a price for it. There are also times when you find it to be annoying, disgusting, or sometimes, even downright dangerous. It's the price you pay for being human.

    Evolution has also given us intelligence, and with it, the ability (if we choose to use it) to over ride our desire to reproduce. I'm a man, and contrary to what you may believe, I do have boundaries. The difference is that my boundaries are much broader than yours, and they encompass a much greater range of behaviors. Human intelligence however, has given me the ability to set my boundaries aside, and simply accept your boundaries, if only for a limited period of time.

    When I agree to accept your boundaries, and actually honor that agreement, there is no real need for you to know what my boundaries are. It's simpler that way. Besides, never having had a need to strictly enforce my boundaries, I may not even be aware of exactly where they are.

    What you see as a problem, is when a man agrees to accept your boundaries, but continues to try to test them. He isn't quite sure if your boundaries are completely rigid, or if they might be have some elasticity to them. In his mind, if he can cause your boundaries to stretch to some extent, he can make himself believe that he is complying with his initial agreement. It's up to you to make him understand that that your boundaries do not stretch -- that you are not one of the women with elastic boundaries

    The bottom line, is that what you perceive to be a problem, is the price you pay for being human.

  • JasonCuddlesJasonCuddles

    I don't really meet up with people much, but the last person I did we both asked for permission for doing anything new and we both seemed perfectly fine to hear no.

  • MDWMDW
    edited February 2023

    I always make it clear to anyone I cuddle. No felonies or mortal sins.

  • CuddleWhoCuddleWho

    Why do other people’s boundaries (or lack thereof) bother you?

    It’s a pretty persistent difference between men and women. Women often find men want more from them than they want to give. Men often find women want less than they do. Here more/less doesn’t necessarily refer to sex.

    But consequently women are often the ones setting boundaries, because they’re the ones who want less from the relationship.

  • stormydaycuddlestormydaycuddle Mod

    And there is the limited view we were all waiting on, ladies and gentlemen. Whew, I was scared the generalizing and absolute apathy for others wouldn't show up. It's alright everyone go back to your day!

  • JWestfallJWestfall

    Yes, SunsetSnuggles, there are guys like me on here who have our own boundaries. Yes, I've had F cuddlers who wanted to push right past them, and she wasn't shy about it. We all need to have our own boundaries and to stand up for our limits. I do find that with clear communication and mutual respect, cuddle sessions can be respectful and enjoyable.

  • [Deleted User]natickben (deleted user)

    And there is the limited view we were all waiting on, ladies and gentlemen. Whew, I was scared the generalizing and absolute apathy for others wouldn't show up. It's alright everyone go back to your day

    Phew. That was close.

  • SuperManCuddlesSuperManCuddles

    @Charlie_Bear Awesome 😎 I am very happy that you experienced the “consent workshop”.

  • CharlieBearCharlieBear Mod
    edited February 2023

    @SuperManCuddles yeah it’s great. It’s so helpful for those of us that are anxious and afraid to verbalize not giving consent.

    Edit: I think we all need a SuperManCuddles to make us feel safe ☺️

  • SuperManCuddlesSuperManCuddles

    @Charlie_Bear Awe!❤️Thank you! 🦸🏿‍♂️ 💪🏿

  • CuddleWhoCuddleWho
    edited February 2023

    @stormydaycuddle

    When you encounter a comment you don't like, you could ignore it, you could engage in substantive discussion... or you could sarcastically reply with a dismissive and insulting attitude. Maybe try one of the first two options.

    Didn't you just do EXACTLY what you suggested @stormydaycuddle do, @CuddleWho ? Do not further engage with her, do not tag her, and since you completely missed the point and context of this thread, stay off this one too. [-Sid]

  • stormydaycuddlestormydaycuddle Mod
    edited February 2023

    I don't see it as a discussion at that point. I see it as dismissive in its own right, narrow minded, insulting, apathetic BS. There's nothing to discuss. I'm not taking advice from someone who doesn't understand why boundaries are important for everyone. The aforementioned COMMENT has predatory vibes and I don't engage with that directly.

    Reported, reviewed, and leaving intact. [-Sid]

  • CharlieBearCharlieBear Mod

    @CuddleWho anyone has the right to set boundaries for themselves, and while someone like me may still be discovering what those are, others have already had to find out the hard way what boundaries of theirs have been pushed beyond their limits. Someone like me will probably never have to worry about boundaries being pushed. Someone else, regardless of gender, may have the opposite experience. We are here for so many different reasons and a lot of those reasons come from past trauma. Comparing genders based on a general opinion on how they act in a relationship may not apply in the slightest here. Nobody should ever be made to feel guilty about what their boundaries are and nobody of any gender should be expected to compromise because of what someone else wants, or feels they deserve, from them.

  • stormydaycuddlestormydaycuddle Mod
    edited February 2023

    Also, if someone is going to say something legitimately offensive and then expect to dictate how I respond...and with what manner I deign to answer... you've got another thing coming. If in essence saying, "shut up and take it" or "you responded rudely to my heinous comment and I don't like it so next time be polite" is the advice I'll need to get a more qualified advisor.

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