I've never thought about properly having boundaries because I've hardly had any experiences to make me think about it. (not just on this site (that's zero), not just on dating sites (also zero), but just like, in life so far (that's like, a small few situations where I would have ever considered it))
I can't think of things I don't like until they've happened (other than like, don't hurt me. don't kill me. don't steal from me. (things that are "obvious"; anything that is a crime))
I'm asexual so anything that is considered sexual I probably wouldn't like either. But I generally can't think of (m)any things I would label as a boundary on my profile or something like that.
Whatever the boundaries are of the other person (in addition to the "nothing that is a crime" boundary, in case that doesn't exist on their end) is probably what my boundaries would be in any situation, at least that I can think of. I can say for sure that with the one relationship I ever had, I was very mindful and even worried about "is she okay with this?" (that thought came to mind with literally anything that was happening for the first time, and it would happen again with the next person I would be in a relationship with, or cuddling with from here)
I don’t like light touch on my sides; I’m very ticklish there. But if I don’t mention that upfront, I can always do so when it comes up.
If your cuddle partner doesn’t have any specific boundaries they want to state upfront, because they aren’t concerned you are going to do anything they aren’t ok with and they won’t be able to stop you, and not being robbed, molested, etc is already implied, I think that should be ok? They can discover what they like and don’t like as you go. Ideally there is lots of communication and checking in.
@Gibstack i think our boundaries are constantly evolving and you should be asked for consent, and ask for consent yourself, before any touch occurs and every time anything new is proposed.
Maybe they will ask me if they can touch my arm to which I say yes. Then perhaps I say yes but am hesitant to them running their fingers up and down my arm, yet they start doing it anyway. I should have said no, and a maybe or an unsure yes should be treated as a no. So after they start I find it uncomfortable so I let them know that I have changed my mind and don’t want that anymore. Then I ask if I can play with their hair and they say yes, but then they feel like maybe I am enjoying it in a way that makes them feel uncomfortable, even if that is not the case from my perspective - that doesn’t matter - this is their boundary that they have discovered is triggered with me specifically and they ask me to stop.
There is no need to feel bad or offended for saying no or changing your mind, and you may find your boundaries are different for every person you cuddle. It’s important that the cuddle always remains platonic and for all involved to respect any additional boundaries they may have.
@stormydaycuddle - I think that your initial post here was both appropriate and amusing. The criticism was wrong and completely out of place, but is it really worth getting that upset about? Relax and enjoy, before you start getting ulcers.
@GreatHornedOwl I'm a little sick of being told to shut up, and how to act. I'm not angry TBH. It is getting funny that some people mistake my willingness to defend myself and others as anger. The response they give me is always the same... "shut up". I'm not the one who made the awful initial comment or decided to tag me and tell me how to behave but yet again I'm being rebuked no matter how gently for responding in kind.
Also, always saying someone is upset over and over and over again is abusive behavior used to discredit the other's sides POV as invalid for being different. It's narcissistic abuse. I'm not angry but if anyone would like to look it up... don't take my word for it. She's angry. She's upset. She's throwing a tantrum. NO I'm really not. I'm telling you I won't tolerate being treated like less than and I won't tolerate others being treated like less than. I'm not going to sit back and enjoy... the abuse.
Now I think we should give this thread back to @SunsetSnuggles with her wonderful post. I'm not telling anyone to shut up though but I do think it may be nice to hear some male experiences with boundaries and setting them.
Something I get super self conscious about is if I get sweaty. This may not be something that you @SunsetSnuggles are referring to in terms of boundaries, but sometimes the perspiration comes and I get afraid that it’s going to ruin the cuddles so I may become more averse to being touched somewhere like my hair if it starts to feel damp. The same would go for my hands if they start to feel clammy.
As someone who has not been physically touched in an intimate way in over 22 years, I think right now I wouldn't be able to handle anything beyond cuddling even if it were offered. All I want is a little human connection. A little quality time.
@Charlie_Bear you nailed it right here: > but then they feel like maybe I am enjoying it in a way that makes them feel uncomfortable Sometimes there are things that were ok and then suddenly they just aren't anymore. It's important to be able to communicate that and also to receive that communication and act on it, or stop acting, as the case may be.
@KaaGee aww thank you for expressing that. It’s not something I have ever actually been told that I had been making them feel, but I think preemptively being mindful of it can prevent putting someone in a position where they may be afraid to verbalize that they are becoming uncomfortable.
@SunsetSnuggles to answer your original question, I have boundaries. But mine boil down to "don't do harm to me", and I'm pretty sure that the level of something that might harm me is a less restrictive boundary than something that might harm you.
I agree with most of what @GreatHornedOwl said earlier in the thread. Good analysis.
@SunsetSnuggles - my “permanent boundaries” are pretty well covered by the TOS. Beyond that, I have preferences such as I don’t like to be “patted” anywhere but I see that as more of a preference than a boundary.
On a case by case basis, there maybe additional “temporary boundaries” about positions or conversations. If I am cuddling someone I’ve cuddled with before I am open to a wider range of conversation than with someone I just met. If a cuddle partner asked a question or brought up a topic during a cuddle that I was uncomfortable with discussing I would just politely ask if we could discuss something else.
I only cuddle women and I have never had a situation where a cuddle partner was pushing a boundary with me or offering “extras”. I’ve read a few stories on the forums from men who have experienced. I think it may be my own vetting process that has prevented those situations.
I’ve been on cuddlecomfort for a long time and have had far more amazing experiences than bad experiences. Overall, I don’t really have a personal need to set boundaries. I do however ask my cuddle partner if there’s anywhere she doesn’t want to be touched and I also ask her to please be polite if I do something she doesn’t like. I let her know I have no ill intentions and to either politely tell me not to do that of simple grab my hand and move it where she wants it. I like the vibe to stay positive. All of that being said, I’ve had very few issues. I think if you approach a cuddle partner/session with positive energy, love, kindness and respect, it’s more likely to be a good experience.
@SunsetSnuggles, this is a fascinating post. Thank you for asking this question.
I've only had four cuddle partners since I've joined this site, and although we've discussed boundaries, it's always been more in the context of me saying "tell me if I accidentally do anything you're not comfortable with." I have not told any partner about my specific boundaries, and no one has pushed the limits -- certainly not anything that would violate the CC terms of service, but nothing else even "edgy" like reaching under the collar of my shirt or something.
Maybe -- certainly -- I've just been lucky and had sessions with reasonable and well-behaved providers. It's also probably telling that all of my sessions have been with professionals, who are probably (?) less likely to be boundary-pushers.
But there's certainly some societal-based gender role expectation happening here, too. Men aren't "supposed" to mind if a woman gets a little "handsy," and women are "supposed" to be less likely to so such a thing. Those constructs are artificial and not ironclad, and in a single interaction between two people, anyone can do anything.
In terms of boundaries that I would actually set, there aren't many. Contact with the genital area is obviously the most important one. I don't particularly like my bare feet touched, but that's not super likely to come up in a cuddle session (and I usually wear socks anyway). Beyond that, I'm pretty comfortable with physical contact -- I get massages regularly, and so again with the exception of the genitalia, I'm used to being touched pretty much everywhere.
Realistically, I wouldn't expect a cuddler to touch my butt, as an example -- and none ever have. But I wouldn't think I'd need to say that either, given that it's covered by the CC TOS. If a cuddler patted me on the ass as if we just won the Super Bowl or something? I'd certainly think it was weird, but if it just happened once as sort of a funny way to say hello or goodbye or something, I wouldn't stress about it.
Again, fascinating discussion here with lots of food for thought.
My boundaries begin with the site rules. In all of my years on CC, I haven’t had any experiences when my cuddle partner (either pro or enthusiast) has pushed those boundaries with me. I’m sure that some of the people I have cuddled with may not have the same strict boundaries as me, but I have never experienced my boundaries being pushed. This may be because I am a man who mostly cuddles women and it seems that men are usually the boundary pushers (for whatever reason).
Beyond the site rules, I also may have other boundaries depending on my cuddle partner or my own needs at the time. Again, those boundaries have almost been universally accepted once I clearly establish them.
I generally don’t have to think twice about my boundaries and It bothers me greatly that my experience (with my boundaries being respected without incident), is so different (as a man who cuddles women) than the experience most women who cuddle men have had.
In terms of cuddling, my boundaries are the same as the site's TOS, with the addition of no tickling. Cuddle parties were mentioned by someone else, and I've found them to be very useful discovering my boundaries in more general terms.
The parties have also given me practice in saying no, which is useful to a person like myself as a survivor of an abusive marriage. Additionally they have helped me to begin asking for what I want in life.
I'm not sure how to frame this in terms of a boundary, but I've finally begun to learn how to honestly and respectfully express myself, while expecting people to hear me out. Perhaps "treating me with contempt is not allowed" is the language I'm looking for.
Consent is key and can be revoked at any time by either party. Absolutely no grabbing or feeling of any areas that are required to be covered in public. Oh and you gotta enjoy the hugs 🤗
Same as the few before me, I'm bound by the sites TOS. I would also say not tickling (don't really like it anyway) and personally no touching the ears.
I love having clear boundaries while cuddling, because then you can just relax and enjoy it. I also love being in an atmosphere of trust and safety. Being trusted is a wonderful compliment to me.
@SunsetSnuggles so what I’ve done so that there’s no confusion while cuddling or crossing any of my boundaries is I have a custom-made outfit that I wear while cuddling the outfit has green, red and yellow patches the green patches mean it’s OK to touch me there the red means no and the yellow means please ask before attempting to touch that area
@lonelytauros very creative idea!
@SuperManCuddles thank you! Sometimes I look like the green lantern when I’m wearing it other times I just look like a leprechaun since green is my favorite color! Lol 😂
@lonelytauros You’re Welcome! Too funny lol 😂 ☘️
@GreatHornedOwl Nailed it. You sure you didn’t just read what I wrote in the past? Men are different. There is no natural instinct to prevent a woman from exploring their body only intellectualized ones.
@dave31415 Missing one key part of that cherry picking of evolutionary science. Genes are unlinked therefore your own personal experience doesn't apply to all. Did you know that some people can move their ears ever so slightly when there's a sudden noise and some people can't? I'm boiling it down to the basics so what I'm saying can be followed. Some people reduce the male experience down to barely contained cavemen instincts and some people (see the men speaking above) don't. So I'm confused what was "nailed" here a D in science?
Anger level: 0 Amusement level: 10
Seems like brilliance in matters of science would lead to more lucrative career choices.
Reported for personal attacks. @jplemmon - you are one further infraction away from being shown the door. I'm not playin'. @stormydaycuddle has been much more kind than I would be in responding to you. Do not further engage her or tag her here or in any thread. Feel free to mutually block or take it to DMs. I will not have posts knocking on Pros here, ever. [-Sid]
@jplemmon writer and editor here. Cuddling is a hobby I make money off of. It covers travel etc but please continue on making assumptions that are half baked. Braincells or lack there of is also covered in evolutionary science. If you'd like me to explain what I mean let me know.
Anger level: 0 Faith in our educational system: 0 Amusement:10 Edit: also trying to refute it with my perceived career choice doesn't make what I said about evolution any less true. It doesn't take "brilliance" to pass science fyi. Maybe you perceive it that way because of your own experience? Idk, not trying to put words in your mouth.
@stormydaycuddle You're on a roll!
Anger level: 0 Amusement level : 8 Enjoying ping pong match🏓: 10