@Charlie_Bear Not a diddly-damn given 😆 I have been lucky to connect with people like you and some locals so will just take this as an inconvenient - but minimal - part of my experience here.
@Charlie_Bear - I know it wasn't, but entirely too many women will read it, and not know that.
We should never assume what's going on behind closed doors of someone's personal relationship.
As long as they're respecting boundaries for their relationship, that's all that matters. Frankly I don't think it really is any of our business what people are doing as long as it's respectful of the boundaries they set and our own, of course. 💯
So if you as an individual, that is a hard NO for cuddling someone in a relationship, OF COURSE I respect that and will honor those boundaries. 🤗
HOWEVER.
at the end of the day.....
No one owns anyone. Even if you're in a relationship. 💓
@MissAdventurous I agree with nobody owning anyone. I'm married but my husband is aware of my being on CC and supports me. My issue isn't whether someone is in a relationship.
The thing is - boundaries are being broken between two people when one is left in the dark and not given the choice of agreeing or disagreeing.
And it's not fair to ask other cuddlers to be a party in their own personal drama. As such, I'm not a source of comfort and friendship - I'm a way to avoid someone confronting the issues in their life.
Regardless, there are plenty of people who have no issues with cuddling those who don't tell their partner. It just pissed me off when I'm clear on it but people think I should change my guidelines as they're inconvenienced by it. That says more about them than it does me.
I don't care about anyone's personal relationships as a pro. I'm paid to offer a safe space either way. However I see where you're coming from @Calibrate715. As an enthusiast cuddling with someone regularly builds a friendship. That can certainly bring drama into your life if said friend doesn't disclose it to their partner. I'm glad you're viewing this experience positively tho by remembering not everyone here has ill intentions.
@Vianca I generally operate as anyone I meet has honest intentions. Now, if you put it out there and show me otherwise, I surely make note of it.
Luckily, I've communicated with some lovely souls here 😊
@Vianca & - It may possibly be that everyone here has "ill urges," but many of us have sufficient maturity and integrity to completely suppress those urges. @Calibrate715 is right. Many of us here have completely "honest intentions."
@GreatHornedOwl I keep my 'ill urges' focused on my plots for world domination. Productivity is key. Bonus points if it's toxic...
@stormydaycuddle - That's because you're (thankfully) not a man.
I think I may have commented something to this effect previously, but wanted to reiterate -
I practice ethical and consensual non-monogamy and do so openly. It's a very core part of my ethics and I'm passionate about the community and advocacy. A big part of it for me is informed consent, because I believe one cannot give consent without all the information - so by definition one partner purposefully concealling their activities from the other negates any agreements or consent related to that activity for my boundaries. There are of course exceptions - some people are legally unable to give consent at all due to mental illness or disability, or perhaps the couple has negotiated a "don't ask don't tell" policy. I learned over a decade ago I am not comfortable being party to the latter, and with the former it's a case by case basis.
So what does this have to do with platonic interactions? Depending on the couple, that sort of physical and emotional intimacy could still be considered cheating. Emotional cheating is very much a thing. For me, the cheating is in the lying and breaking of agreements, not in any sexual or romantic activities. As such, I am not comfortable knowingly participating in the deception of someone's partner because I know what it's like to be on the other end of that. I can have empathy for both people in the relationship and not condone the deception by participating. One of my mantras the past few years has become "Empathy is not endorsement" (Dylan Marron, highly recommend!).
Am I going to go so far as to stick my nose in their relationship and make personal inquiries about their agreements? No. I am not going to judge them for what goes on in their relationship - I also know what it's like to struggle without affection or physical touch and not be comfortable discussing it with ones partner. But if it's clear that deception is going on, I don't have a problem enforcing that boundary and deciding that this is not a situation I am comfortable remaining in.
Edit to add: a BIG part of my platonic cuddling journey has been about practicing and integrating verbal and non-verbal consent and relearning how to set and enforce personal boundaries. Consent practices is such a core feature of both my cuddling and ENM philosophies that they are intrinsically intertwined and at this point I cannot fathom one without the other. I value authenticity too greatly to devalue consent for the sake of adding another cuddle partner/client, or for maintaining a connection where I know I would be participating in deception and harm. It's anathema to everything that I and cuddling stands for.
@cuddlefaery This! All of this!
@cuddlefaery Cool, cool...eek, and ouch. If you can't give consent with all the information and yet aren't going to ask.... I wonder are you setting aside your boundaries or making the other person a criminal to the constraints of your definition of informed consent? Not knocking your definition. I'm asking because it might make more sense to ask in that case. Otherwise, neither party is giving the appropriate information. If that is indeed the stance. I don't see how this isn't ever so slightly putting sexuality into cuddling. Not participating in the willful harm of others I'm 100% for. Not sure exactly what's going on here or if the practices you describe are ethical for anyone involved.
@stormydaycuddle I state my boundary along with any others up front and trust that they will honor them - it's up to me though to enforce them because boundaries are not rules. If you have a boundary about not being touched on the stomach - how do you know a cuddle partner isn't going to breach that boundary? You don't. All you can do is state the boundary and enforce it accordingly if and when they cross it. Until then, you either have to trust that they won't, or if you don't trust them then you probably should not be engaging with them at all. Similarly, I can state that I have a boundary about not wishing to be party to the deception of any partner(s) of theirs and ask that they not put me in that position. If I trust that they will not, we can move forward. If I don't, we won't. If I later find out that they have crossed that boundary, I will gently but firmly restate it and end our sessions.
How is it putting sexuality on cuddling? Consent is consent, no matter the setting - it doesn't just apply to sex. As I said, partners can feel betrayed because of the deception, and that is what I do not wish to be a part of.
Just because I apply the same moral values to the romantic, sexual, and platonic spheres of my life does not somehow mean I'm mixing sexual practices into platonic cuddling.
@cuddlefaey This part seemed to contradict that a bit but okie dokie. By that I mean the stating of boundaries part. Thanks for responding.
"Am I going to go so far as to stick my nose in their relationship and make personal inquiries about their agreements? No. I am not going to judge them for what goes on in their relationship -"
Interesting perspectives but way too complicated for me. Boundaries while cuddling can apply to occupations, relationships and any other personal information I don’t need to be a good Cuddler. My goal is to provide peaceful caring platonic therapeutic and all the other warm fuzzies during the time we’re together. Pretty sure they don’t need to be interrogated by me about their personal life. My relationships are not their business either. Besides, you don’t necessarily get the truth from them. Some people are really good at telling you what you want to hear. Now, if I’ve totally misunderstood your posts, I apologize!
@carrieanne Right?!
My gyno doesn't ask if I'm in a relationship or what our values are before an appointment. And if you're a pro that's an edging so close into the personal arena right off the bat. One a side note willful harm of another is one thing.... of course don't participate. As Pros we are supposed to be providing a service that is 100% professional. I stay out of clients beeswax. If you're getting into their personal life at the word 'go' .... If a client chooses to share a little about themselves awesome. If their intentions aren't great... bye bye... Friendship happens on occasion but going into it thinking its a personal relationship... Boundaries are boundaries of course don't cross them yours or theirs... but ah...what's the mindset here? I do get that people may be concerned about a wife showing up at their doorstep. I've yet to have that happen and as Carrieanne said people lie...and if they're already lying to their wife....what makes anyone think you'll get an honest answer?
Ladies, let me first of all say that you’re all very beautiful, and allow me to share some insight into what men think, well I shouldn’t say that because I can’t speak for all men, but for the most part, we like things to be simple just give us a time a place and a price and we’re all good Lol 😂
@lonelytauros that may be your POV, but we're talking about the ethics of someone being in a relationship where one partner doesn't know they're cuddling with someone else. I'm not sure about what men liking things simple has to do with it? And that "Ladies, you're all beautiful" thing sounded quite demeaning. We're allowed to have a debate that doesn't involve people in essence suggesting we're fighting over who is prettier. Our conversation is valid. Men have chimed in as well so...
@carrieanne - The issue with all three was this. Acknowledged the boundary listed on my profile. All stated they had not told their wives about cuddling with other women. Two gave every excuse in the book as to why they couldn't tell their spouse. One even attempted to make me feel sorry as a guilt ploy.
That alone irritates me. I am a kind and loving person but try to manipulate me and this kitty has claws.
If there was anything ambiguous on my profile, it's open for discussion. This was a clearly drawn line so my sympathy ends there.
I don't care what anyone (enthusiast or pro) chooses as their life philosophy or who they decide to cuddle. But when a boundary is clearly laid out - don't cross it.
@Calibrate715 I think @carrieanne was seeing all the pros commenting on here seemingly taking it from a personal relationship and exchange standpoint for them. If they have that type of idea about this... that's their thing I guess. It just seems way off base for someone providing a service. You of course are not. Which is awesome by the way. I've been thinking of switching away from pro. I love this community. Its been a fun nearly 2 years now. Hugs.
@stormydaycuddle I can't even consider going pro. I imagine what you deal with is far worse than my message box. I just want to cuddle nice, honest people! Is that too much to ask? 😆🤦 hugs
@lonelytauros 💯 I’m the exact same way. No drama or conflict. That’s the antithesis to Cuddling! Geez real life has enough of that. I avoid it and bye.
@Calibrate715 with your clarity above, yes I’m with you when talking about the men who still tried to push your clearly stated boundary. I will not change my mind once I’ve made it up about specific boundaries. You own that. I def wouldn’t bother with a conversation, I would just block. Expecting honesty? You will never really know. @stormydaycuddle you clearly understood my point because I was saying I don’t make rules about their personal lives or their behavior that I can’t control or are irrelevant to the time I spend cuddling with them. Finally, I think we all understand what’s important to each other. I have fought too many battles. I came to Cuddling for ☮️🤗😊
@lonelytauros - You're trivializing the entire process.
First, it seems to me that you might at the very least, want to know something about her limits, unless, you have no intention of respecting them.
Secondly, you certainly are aware that not all women here (or anyplace else) are are beautiful. Whats more, if your interests are truly platonic, that shouldn't make any difference to you.
Finally, you're ignoring the fact that large numbers of the women on CC are not for hire.
.
Your boundaries were cut and dry, except you’re willing to make an exception for Owl. Now they’re clear as mud. LOLOL
LOTS of people have extenuating circumstances (that we don’t need to know) for not disclosing cuddling to their partners, but you admit to having “deaf ears” for their “excuses.”
If Owl randomly showed up in your DMs, would you have blown him off? By your own words, yes. But since he’s more vocal and visible on here, you say you’d cuddle him, because he has a “situation.” Not “excuses.” That’s interesting.
(I’m glad you’d show Owl some compassion, even though you’d judge everyone else more harshly.)
@neverdonethis please go back to your home on troll island and continue to, as your user name says, never do this
I will also note that while I do get the personal boundary and why there's a distaste for someone's spouse/partner not knowing...its a little lofty thinking when you think that you're helping them emotionally cheat somehow. It may be the case in some situations but once again it seems a little off thinking it going in...to me. I'm not saying don't have the boundary that's 100% a personal thing. I just wonder what the thought process behind that is. For a pro.
@stormydaycuddle Could it be something as simple as, "I wouldn't want my partner to cuddle someone without telling me, so I won't be a part of doing that to someone else"?
It’s very tough to understand what’s in anyone’s mind and I feel you can try and know that only by asking. And several people don’t like being asked questions. And the worst part is that they block you suddenly and immediately.. 😀😳 I am not sure if they understand how insulting that will be. I do understand if someone is blocked when a session didn’t go well.. it’s really funny 😀