Sexual Abuse Survivor

[Deleted User]CuddlelessinLB (deleted user)
in General

Having been abused at a very young age by a male, I wonder if I’m the only one who found it difficult to separate nurturing touch and sexual touch by a male after the abuse?

I read such wonderful stories about women enjoying the cuddles and embraces of men, feeling safe and relaxed.

I think I wish so deeply for that, but am apprehensive about how it will actually be in person.

I’d almost rather meet with a woman first, but I haven’t had any respond back, really.

Am I alone in this? And if not, how did you navigate this sensitive territory with a male cuddler?

I hope I explained myself well, forgive me if it seems disjointed or confusing.

Comments

  • [Deleted User]MaverickLegend (deleted user)

    After reading what you wrote, it would seem like almost as if you would need clearance from a professional mental health provider to see if this is something you’re even ready for by the sound of it it doesn’t sound like you’re ready.

  • [Deleted User]CuddlelessinLB (deleted user)
    edited March 2023

    Fair enough.

    I guess I’m asking how does one come to know what healthy, platonic touch from a male is if you’ve never experienced it your entire life?

  • MelancholyMelancholy

    That's an interesting question. I think most people just know from how someone behaves or how they are cuddling...it becomes somewhat obvious that someone is being platonic vs not.
    But if you have past experiences that have made it hard for you to know the difference...that is hard to explain something that I think most of us feel innately without thinking about it....
    But I am really fearful that you will encounter someone who pushes boundaries and sets you back....its happened to female friends of mine more often than not .

  • [Deleted User]CuddlelessinLB (deleted user)
    edited March 2023

    “that is hard to explain something that I think most of us feel innately without thinking about it....””

    This. I’ve never known healthy platonic touch by a male. Even with my husband, who is not super touchy-feely, his affection is usually a precursor…

    I still crave that touch though. The kind that makes you feel safe and secure, but does not expect anything else of you.

  • cuddlefaerycuddlefaery

    Touch trauma after sexual assault can be difficult to overcome but definitely has been part of the healing process for me and you're definitely not alone. Quite a few of the cuddlers I've talked to were drawn to platonic cuddling as a safe way to reacclimate to touch on their own terms - but it absolutely has to be done right in order.to avoid further trauma.

    First steps for me were addressing the SA trauma itself and learning to set and maintain healthy boundaries throughout my life, not just in regards to touch. I then started with group consent classes and cuddle parties, with my therapists' support and blessing, because we knew how important somatic healing is/was for me. The events allowed me to practice communicating my boundaries and standing up for myself, and that in turn helped my self confidence that I could do so one-on-one. Eventually I found a pro cuddler through the cuddle parties I felt safe enough doing one-on-one time with outside of an intimate relationship.

    Combined with supportive partners and therapists, it was the missing piece of the puzzle for me to start healing my PTSD and I went from thinking I just wasn't a touchy-feely person to realizing it's my primary love language. Trauma can dramatically alter how we view ourselves and the world, sometimes permanently, but sometimes we can undo some of the damage and learn healthier coping skills.

    It's not a cure-all, just one tool in the tool box, and I still have to fight my early programming. Training to be a professional cuddler myself and gaining experience in facilitating as a pro has also been a surprising help as it lends a different perspective.

  • cuddlefaerycuddlefaery
    edited March 2023

    And to add: I absolutely would not undertake exploring platonic cuddling for the purpose of healing touch trauma with an enthusiast. Period. You need a pro who has had trauma-informed training and hopefully a background in somatic psychology.

    Seeing as male pros are extremely rare on CC, and this site does not vet pros, it'd be a lot safer to go through a reputable touch therapy certifying company - there's a few of them that require varying amounts of training to gain certification. At the very least you want someone extremely versed in consent, boundary communication, and trauma-informed best practices.

  • [Deleted User]Julesocean (deleted user)

    I believe one way to create a scene for safety is through really open communication and boundaries
    To me being able to set the scene for your level of comfort.
    What feels safe.and when not. You can say so, and immediately that’s understood and respected
    Starting out really slowly, so you may know what your level of comfort is, and the same is said with keeping your safety boundaries in full force
    Not being self critical or judgmental about your process, and making sure your cuddle partner is fully aware that your moving at your own space
    I hope some of that was helpful

  • cuddlefaerycuddlefaery
    edited March 2023

    Re how to know what it is if you haven't experienced it:

    What it feels like for me -
    Platonic Cuddling with any gender gives me a sense of calm and physical safety that is at once vaguely familiar from the distant past and completely alien. I've spent pretty much my entire life feeling ungrounded, disconnected, and insecure for one reason for another. When I finally learned to let go and my nervous system learned to trust again, the sense of relief and release of tension is just - practically indescribable really.
    It's realizing that there's no ulterior motive other than both to feel safe and cared for. That there's no end goal or time table, it's wholely in the moment, which is something I've always struggled with. It's meditative and can be calming and soothing, or playful and curious, or sleepy and sensual (NOT sexual), or stimulating mentally and sensorially. Or it can be any of those in combination - it changes depending on the cuddle partner and the day/mood. The only constant is that once the trust is built, it's safe and grounding, and that just isn't something I get enough of in the "real" world.

  • AngelMAngelM

    If I was closer I would cuddle you! I used to snuggle with friends as teenagers and platonically cuddle them all night, it was the best safest feeling. I’m very maternal and nurturing and always tucked my kids in at night with a back scratch or rubbing their heads till they fell asleep. I hope they always cherish those memories.

  • cuddlecaliguycuddlecaliguy
    edited March 2023

    I felt inspired to comment after reading your vulnerable and open story. First off, thank you for sharing such intimate thoughts as it’s refreshing to hear such honesty.

    I get it. As a man, there are days when I just want a nice woman to cuddle and hold — as a gift to her and to myself. To feel and help her feel that safety, comfort, security, and basic human connection and trust. I have friends that try to get me to date someone but I’m just not ready for that. There’s something about cuddling, even hand holding or hug that feels purposeful and so healthy. All the studies of how human touch is extremely important for our central nervous system, immune system, and general health.

    But I never pushed the button on this site because it kinda scares the crap out of me to meet a 100% stranger from some cuddle app. My ego wrongfully shows up asking… are we pathetic, broken OR actually just stronger, strong as hell, kind, and know wtf we want and know what is good for us right now — at this chapter in life — and don’t want any messy experiences right now as we strengthen to even higher heights without messy distractions. Sorry, really went on a tangent there as I lay here in bed on my phone. I’ve been to a few retreats where touch therapy was facilitated, taught and encouraged, and I found it to be very rewarding.

    I’m terribly sorry that boundaries have been broken and caused trauma. I applaud you for exploring how to work them out in a secure and self-loving manner. I assure you that there are good and respectful men out there. Yes, all humans have hormones and primal desires and that’s usually a good thing but I’d like to believe that many humans have manners, respect, basic discipline and class.

    Like most humans, I’m also working past some traumas, but avoiding dating right now and instead focusing on my business, somatic healing and wellness right now. It’s been a rewarding and enjoyable journey.

    I agree that you don’t need a professional therapist to give you approval to cuddle with someone in a safe environment. But I think it’s critical that it’s a safe environment, founded on trust, agreed upon and acknowledged boundaries, and instinct/gut. Maybe start with scheduling a professional massage with a male masseuse. If it’s a male thing you’re working against, this could be helpful. Or find some good respectful men in your life that have healthy attachment styles/relationships and get appropriately closer to them. These male figures, maybe they have passed on in life already. If that’s the case, that’s okay. Sit, do some breathing, and try to reconnect with them, remember them, even talk to them, let them comfort you, feel their hug, ask for advice, thank them. Trust me, they will talk back to you (not literally obviously). These techniques can really help healing. And yea, go get a massage. Invest in yourself. You deserve it, especially if you have kids too. I mean who doesn’t like a massage anyway. I’ve got one scheduled this weekend, followed by a soak in a hot spring and then an ecstatic dance event afterwards. A couple years ago, I’d never be saying these type of activities as plans. And I for sure wouldn’t be writing a comment on some cuddle website. Life can be hilarious, adorable yet very rewarding — when on the path to healing, pushing against our own ego that often limits us from things that serve us. Or as adults, when we lack setting and holding boundaries with others and ourselves, it often sends us to tides that don’t serve us.

  • john5555john5555

    Hi! I’m a male that was molested at a young age by a male I was supposed to be able to trust and that I loved.

    Communication is very important to me. Period. Especially when it comes to touch. It’s incredibly important to me that the person I’m with is comfortable because I know what it feels like to not be comfortable. Sometimes - without “reason” - I get uncomfortable. What I have learned through platonic touch is that solid communication is everything. It gives my past abuse less power. It’s honest. Sometimes I need to take a break and I say so. Sometimes I need to stop and I say so. Sometimes I get worried (unreasonably, I’m told) that the person I’m with is uncomfortable. I’m continually learning about healthy communication and interactions, and it’s such a gift. Communicating what you’re feeling without shame or fear has been enormously empowering and healing for me.

    I hope this helps, and I’m wishing you well.

  • [Deleted User]CuddlelessinLB (deleted user)
    edited March 2023

    @john5555 I just read your profile and you speak of being very empathetic and I read an article that said many people who claim to be empaths are actually trauma survivors because we’re so hyper attuned to the emotions/behaviors of others so that we can protect ourselves.

    I am incredible empathetic. I can read people like a book and can usually tell when someone is being insincere or lying.

    I had a very troubled young mother who was abused herself, and continued that cycle. I knew when to stay out of her way, lest I suffer her wrath.

    I can also pickup on vibes from sexual predators but just watching their behaviors and the responses from their [would be] victims, or my own reactions.

    I hate that we have this “gift”, but it served its purpose when we needed it, I guess.

    To everyone else who commented: I’m getting that clear communication is important, as is taking it slow and keeping the communication a constant throughout the entire experience.

    To all those that sent me private messages: I appreciate you all. I hear your stories and I see you. ❤️

    Edited to fix typos.

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