Fawning / People-pleasing behavior

[Deleted User]Ripley54566 (deleted user)
in General

Oh hey everyone. I just got out of a really productive first time therapy session where I realized how much I worry about other people's needs rather than my own. I'm not sure why I'm posting this. Maybe the realization of how much I do it is painful and I'm looking for some support.

But sometimes I feel really afraid to set and assert my own boundaries. Does anyone else experience this? What do you do?

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Comments

  • stormydaycuddlestormydaycuddle Mod

    Hugs. I think everyone feels it to some extent. I used to apologize for everything. Every other word was, "sorry" my sister hated it. It takes a bit to get into the right mindset that you're just as important and your boundaries matter just as much as anyone else's.

  • INurturePeaceINurturePeace

    When my friend tells me no, I feel safe enough to say no myself. Why do I lie about where I want to eat? It shouldn’t matter to the other person if I have a preference and we should have the chance to work out a compromise. It’s very freeing, and it’s helping me love myself more.

  • Carrie_AnneCarrie_Anne

    Yes i do. Too much. I know why I’m this way. It’s caused some problems in my life. It’s held me back from things I could have accomplished. I don’t think i could completely change even if/when i wanted to.
    This could mean you are more sensitive, creative and empathetic. You could have very valuable characteristics that others might not have. Maybe ways to find a balance and protect, stand up for yourself. Be happy and proud of all your good qualities. I know you have many. 🤗🤗🤗

  • cuddlefaerycuddlefaery

    Yep. My primary trauma response has been fawning, followed closely by freezing (disassociating mostly). I've done a lot of work over the years with therapists, self work, and work with partners, family, and groups to try to undo all the unhealthy patterning... but it's a process. Working on boundaries and communicating them is actually how I got introduced to platonic cuddling :)

    Be gentle with yourself and remember that the child that learned to respond that way is still inside you. It's a bit funny it took me so long to realize the importance of treating my inner child kindly, considering I recognized we never really grow up all the way a long time ago thanks to my work as a teacher 😅 Then again, we are almost always our own worst critics. Learning to recognize whose voice became your inner critic is also a really mind blowing realization and has been a bit part of the healing process for me.

  • WestsideMarcWestsideMarc
    edited August 2023

    I’m too am guilty of being a people pleaser TBH. A big part of it stems from the need for it in my career, but there are definitely other contributing factors and backstories as well, but I’ll save y’all the longer story on that one.

    A point more germane to cuddling here is that I DO focus so much, ALOT, on making it a great experience for her. It’s not a humble brag, nor am I complaining per se’ - it’s just how I am - for better or for worse. I get pleasure from giving pleasure but now that you bring it up really front and center here it IS an interesting and quality topic (unlike some of the other vapid white noise posts) so thanks for posting this.

    Also, most of my cuddles/karmas are from 1st timers so I guess I’ve gone out of my way to realllly provide a great first timer impression to the culture and an authentic “safe space” (although truth be told I’m really getting sick and tired of that expression- but if the shoe fits…). Interestingly enough, I noticed the very beginning of my profile even addresses this very topic. (Screenshot attached at bottom).

    In closing, I have yet to do a professional cuddle with anyone, but I am in the process of trying to select someone right now. It’ll be interesting to see how this aforementioned concept/practice manifests itself in my cuddling style since it’ll now be my first paid service where I am the “client” if that makes sense. Very thought provoking post I must say. Thank you for the contribution @Ripley54566

  • [Deleted User]Gronuth (deleted user)

    There are problems that come with always putting others before yourself, but it's better than being selfish. Unfortunately there are a lot of people in the world that aim for people with that quality because it's so easy to push them around and convince them that the dystopia they set you into is how the world is...
    I want to please others where I can but it's because I ask a lot so I try to return that kindness back into the world where I can. I have my own issues with feelings of inadequacy, so if ilI can help someone with their problem while they help with mine, then you have a symbiotic relationship going there. I know several people pleasers that ended up in parasitic relationships.
    As long as you are asking questions and challenging the status quo, then you will find a path to healing. 😁

  • CuddleHugs01234CuddleHugs01234

    I have experienced this. A book called “Boundaries” by Charles Townsend and another author is great.
    Your therapist can also help you set them.

    You may be afraid to, as you stated above, because you may feel you won’t be loved by a person anymore, if you are pleasing them all time. Setting them will change a relationship, but it is healthy to have boundaries. Getting the support you need while setting them is smart. And don’t set a bunch with multiple people at a time. Start with one boundary and one person at a time. It can be a small one. Hugs!

  • stormydaycuddlestormydaycuddle Mod
    edited August 2023

    I didn’t talk until I was 19 legitimately and when I did the word I used most was ‘sorry’ I know that’s hard to believe but I found something that helped and create lasting results in a way where I’m a totally different person now.

    beta blockers while in their early stages of study are amazing.

    They basically stop you from returning a memory from short term memory into long term memory with as much vivid detail.

    Every time you draw up a memory from your long term to short term memory when you stop thinking about it you put it back into your long term memory slightly differently. Think of it like a library and you’re checking out a book. You’re either writing it it’s pages or tearing a page out each time you borrow it.

    Beta blockers help create distance which is important to people with trauma which is where people pleasing comes from.

    You can also do this with a therapist by working to rewrite the memories in a more productive way. It’s sometimes hard to let go of.

    It’s also good to remember things can change. You aren’t the person you were when you were being abused and I should hope that situation has ended. If not realize you don’t deserve that and seek help.

    “I can’t go back to yesterday. I was a different person then.” - Alice (Lewis Carrol)

  • [Deleted User]Ripley54566 (deleted user)

    Oh hey thank you so much everyone for the support. It's been lovely reading all your wonderful comments.

    @stormydaycuddle I know exactly how that feels like. I used to apologize for apologizing too much lmao.

    I'm definitely going to be reworking on rewriting my views the memories I had. The type of therapy I'm going for I'd EMDR which focuses on exactly that. The first session I had was just acknowledging the pain I went through as a kid. It was kind of surprising to me that I never realized it.

  • Jova114Jova114

    I know I do the same.
    Somewhere in my head I have it that my value is only as good as my usefulness.
    Which I know logically isn't correct.
    I also determine my value on making people laugh and smile.
    If im not doing that, what good am i?

  • [Deleted User]QueensCurryPuff (deleted user)

    I think people have this deep obsession with being polite, at least that's where it comes from with me. I've gotten more adverse to being compliant and then I kind of went off the deep end with quite frankly "man-hating". Through therapy and amazing friends and partners/lovers over the years, I've been able to find the seat of my anger and usurp it.

  • [Deleted User]Ripley54566 (deleted user)
    edited August 2023

    @QueensCurryPuff Feeling disempowered and like I've had control and autonomy taken away for so long has created a similar reaction with me as well. Only instead of man-hating for me it was more of religion hating. I was angry because I was hurt in the past and I guess it was okay for me to feel that way.

    I think true empowerment comes from recognizing and acknowledging these thoughts and behavior and being able to change them in a way where they no longer control us. I hope you have a wonderful day

  • achetocuddleachetocuddle

    @jova114 You also have your earnest and genuine interest in making a good connection to offer. I'm rooting for you :)

    OP, I don't have trouble saying no and it's hard to explain to someone else. Try to remember that life is short and your wants and goals are every bit as legitimate (maybe more so) as others. Don't sell yourself short and not treat yourself as well as you treat everyone else. And remember if people try to make you feel guilty/bad for saying no, they are the ones in the wrong.

  • Jova114Jova114

    @achetocuddle
    Well shucks!!
    Thank you!!!!
    🤗

  • DLCuddlesDLCuddles

    Thank Y'all for the open and honest discussion. Great information. Be Blessed!

  • SoosonSooson

    @Ripley54566 gotta watch some Dan Pena on YouTube. He will teach you how to take care of yourself and how to handle people.

  • [Deleted User]CharlesInWI (deleted user)

    It isn't nice, but life has taught me not to bother trying to please others.

    I try to be kind, patient, and polite, but I am not interested in what others want. I create what I like, pursue my own goals and hobbies, and I do what I can to cause no harm.

    Beyond that, I keep in mind that every thing is temporary, including me, and including you.

  • TxTomTxTom

    @stormydaycuddle

    Every time you draw up a memory... memory slightly differently... like a... book... writing [in] it’s pages or tearing a page out each time you borrow it....

    I watched a fascinating Ted talk in which the presenter was, I think, saying the same thing. Memories change slightly every time we remember them.

  • [Deleted User]Concordiaesque (deleted user)

    @Ripley54566 Since a majority of my lived experiences have been abandonment and rejection, my trauma response is to fawn and blame myself in some way (because everyone else is blaming me as well). Any time I've attempted to set a boundary or advocate for myself, it has ended badly, which has led to even more abandonment and rejection. I've not really been able to experience autonomy either. So for me it makes sense when you say you feel really afraid to set and assert your own boundaries. The way our culture is set up and how society reacts actually reinforces fawning/people pleasing behavior, and it's taken a lot of intentional hard work to process a lifetime of learned behavior and trauma responses without any social support, but it is possible. I'm nowhere near "back on my feet" but I'm getting there. I hope your therapist continues to give you what you need and you have positive experiences that reinforce your ability to continue practice setting those boundaries :3

  • TxTomTxTom

    I don't think I've ever suffered from fawning, people-pleasing behavior.

  • Jova114Jova114

    @Concordiaesque
    🤗
    One day at a time my friend

  • [Deleted User]Concordiaesque (deleted user)

    @TxTom That's good to hear, but it's not "suffering" they are just personality traits, how we are taught to respond to our environment from our developmental years. The feedback we receive from others creates patterns of learned behavior to keep us safe. It's all learned behavior that after time just becomes part of who we are.

  • [Deleted User]Concordiaesque (deleted user)

    @Jova114 Thank you for the hug, I'mma put it in my pocket and keep it for later

  • Jova114Jova114
    edited September 2023

    @Concordiaesque
    You are very welcome.
    I am always here for hugs!

  • CuddleHugs01234CuddleHugs01234

    @stormydaycuddle You’ve done quite a turn around from the past! Great job on your hard work!!!!

  • AllAboutSoulAllAboutSoul

    My jobs have been HR, training, and customer service. All are VERY people-pleasing roles.

  • [Deleted User]Concordiaesque (deleted user)

    @AllAboutSoul - same. Nanny, Teacher, Counselor, Personal Assistant, Office Manager, Trainer.

  • AllAboutSoulAllAboutSoul

    @Concordiaesque Yup, office manager and personal assistant are on my resume. No way could I ever be a teacher, nanny or counselor! Parents annoy me. Lolol

  • TxTomTxTom

    Since we're swapping resumes now...
    Army (kill people and break things);
    Semiconductor mfg equip. (build the machines that make the chips for the computers that will enslave us); Commercial bldg architecture (designing targets); and Hazmat (potential disaster at any minute).

    It's all about perspective. I'm a dad now and a world-class cuddler, so I'm really turning my life around.

  • INurturePeaceINurturePeace

    @Concordiaesque fawning and people pleasing can DEFINITELY cause suffering. Ignoring my needs to keep others happy, going along with anything because I lack the energy to fight back… fawning behavior is suffering. It’s not safe to do anything except be agreeable… that causes suffering.

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