Wanted to share this article I enjoyed which provides some probing questions and self work to help combat loneliness.
https://www.forbes.com/sites/christinecomaford/2023/11/04/the-neuroscience-of-loneliness-and-12-proven-cures/amp/
(I thought I was in the quotes forum and accidentally ended up here but I can't delete my posts so you're stuck with my quotes 🕯️🕯️🕯️ “As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being.” C.G. Jung
🌊🌊🌊 “The body is the shore on the ocean of being” Anonymous, Sufi
(I thought I was in the quotes forum and accidentally ended up here but I can't delete my posts so you're stuck with my quotes
❤️🩹 “To love without knowing how to love wounds the person we love,” - Thich Nhat Hahn
I want to say coffee shops and volunteer groups but that doesn’t work for everyone.
Edit: didn’t see the article. I’ll read later. 🤗
Useful article.
It's not long and definitely worth a read.
I find if funny that the accidently quotes are all actually helpful with loneliness.
Who planned this ?
@Nature_Lover_ Great article, thank you for sharing.
~ Sunset Snuggles
🦄 Enthusiast 🏞 Travel Fiend 🐘 Animal Lover
PME of the thimngs OI DPO IS CUDDLE REGARDING BEING LOMELY AT TIMES.
Told you I’d come back to it. I like all the assessment questions.
@Nature_Lover_ thank you so much for sharing! Loved reading this article and how there were actionable, applicable ways to introspect and work on mitigating loneliness. I think, as someone who used to fall into the trap of being so independent it became toxic, and then deluding myself that I wasn’t lonely, it’s useful to also inspect whether we are just lonely, or alone, because those are two very distinct concepts.
@Kallista i am also a quotes gal and have a looong note in my notes app on my phone filled with quotes, haha, so if you’re sharing I felt I might as well go ahead and share my favorite probing quotes ab loneliness too! hope y’all don’t mind:
“and when nobody wakes you up in the morning, and when nobody waits for you at night, and when you can do whatever you want. what do you call it, freedom or loneliness? -Charles Bukowski
“loneliness is still time spent with the world”-Ocean Vuong
Here’s my take on combating loneliness or my thoughts on it if you will so the link and the title itself says actionable well here’s the thing whenever I talk to let’s say my friends they never tell me that they’re lonely because they have their own families but if I tell them that I’m lonely, they’ll tell me something stupid like go for a walk, but do you think that they ever actually call on me or visit me to see how I’m doing? No they don’t because I am not a priority. They will say that I am their friend. They will say call whenever you want but when the chips are down I know it’s just empty words, and no action. so you want to combat loneliness well when someone tells you that they’re lonely check on them call them visit them if you can but don’t give them stupid advice that is useless.
@lonelytauros That's a good idea. I have some experience with that. My feeling is that lot of pple in society are socially programmed to only care about immediate their family or significant others -cheers to those who can think outside of the box. Once you have those relationships or priorities, friends are seen as "extraneous" or "fun" or "being social" - unless you all are single and going to places together, a friend is seen as someone to contact once in a while to catch up with,and remind you of the good times.
That's how I see it at least. Between the mid 30s and 40s people's priorities shift to work, family, and retirement. Since I am unmarried , I tried to adjust to that. I try to be the one to reach out weekly and give passes to the pple don't call back for 1-3 months. I do think that general busyness, pple losing track of their priorities , maybe lack of perspective, and preoccupation with day to day things and some self-absorption (or following society's focus on the individual vs. community) is somewhat to blame for it .
When I was in a relationship, I did realize I had a lot less time and fewer resources since I already worked a lot - but I did reach out to friends. But I did so less frequently bc there's only so much time to go around. Sometimes I just sent a text instead of calling, or called after longer intervals.
My adaptations have been to keep myself busy with hobbies (chess, dancing, cuddling, reading, walking), spend time on my goals, reach out to more communities that I can meet people in (every few months I join more fb groups and activity specific groups such as chess or boxing), find mentors (during the pandemic I had found pple to help w areas of my life such as finances or organization or goal setting), actively forgive my ole friends and be the one to call them (in recent years theyve been betyer at calling back), and create a different support system as my callback (I have to be Atlas - no one has my back) - and that's how I deal with it.
I'm not saying that's for everyone, but I am in a much better place than about 4 years ago when I hit a bit of a shock after realizing that if I reached out to any good friend at any time, I may not hear back for 3-6 weeks, or at all. But things change - that was a temporary time (1-3 years) and most were experiencing major life changes : newborn, just married, new relationships,or more job responsibilities. It is what it is, or as young folks would have it: "it do be that way, or dead@ss." Or, I might be someone else's pillar to lean on.
Maybe goes back to @sillysassy 's reminder of the Four Agreements - I triedy best (they are too), I tried to be impeccable with my word, and I didn't take their actions personally (bc it wasn't decided w me in mind ). Okay dokie. Happy Fall everyone.
*Edit - I will say mid 30s to mid 40s is also a time that adults have relatives and parents that begin experiencing health issues or even pass away and that's not something that can be understated. Oftentimes, they don't bother others with it bc they don't want to be a burden- in those circumstances, of course family comes first imo.
@lonelytauros i totally agree with you on that. If you care about someone you’d be there with them through thick and thin. Not just for the surface level stuff.
But I’m starting to realize that some people have thresholds. Like water, going from air, to liquid to ice. Some things can’t pass that threshold, and that seems to be why the physical states change in the first place. Like a filter that thresholds make people go through. Some are just not allowed to surpass it or go beyond it. A line that could never be crossed. Some people can deal with things but only up to a certain point - afterwards you could see a break down sometimes, other times they’ll drop everything and just move on. That’s the worst kind of person you want on a battlefield but I don’t fault it anymore. Because I’m starting to think it’s something of an innate trait in everyone to a certain degree. Sometimes I think the psyche might not be able to handle what yours can or what yours is going through atm and just shuts down or walks away or in your case never calls - like some protective mechanism to shield the bubble from bursting. Or maybe I’m just extending excuses for something that doesn’t deserve it. - but that’s honestly the only way I’ve been able to resolve how someone could do something like that. I’ve witnessed it happen, in a very cold way between family members at pivotal moments, and it surprised me but then I got to thinking about what it might’ve really meant in the overall picture.
Sometimes a threshold is passed a long time ago, and like light only hitting your eye after millions of miles of travel, you’re only seeing it just now.
I’m beginning to think we all have some form of a boiling point inside us. Just like any material that varies in its threshold yield.
I think that’s why the youth are put into the battlefield first, because ignorance is bliss, and they can’t necessarily know what their thresholds are if they’ve yet to form one. But when they come out with all levels of ptsd, those threshold moments are scattered everywhere. Idk.
@Minestrone101 @PrettyLuv I agree with what you both say both of you have written and made some very good points I know for me personally sometimes I get frustrated because I hear one thing but the actions are totally different and so it’s like I don’t know what to expect and maybe sometimes my expectations are unrealistic but all I know is this…in life we’re expected to always keep moving forward we’re always told never give up it’s a lot easier to move forward and never give up when you’ve got someone there with you whether it’s a friend or family member but when you’re trying to do it on your own, it’s not so easy as I’m sure you both know but I just wanted to let you both know that I appreciate what you wrote
@PrettyLuv Agree with your points. I also think pple settle, pple get complacent, pple get lazy, and at a certain point people stop thinking for themselves. I call that mediocrity. For example, at work, there are some folks that I feel put out less effort than they did when they were in 5th grade. they don't show up on time or at all sometimes, they do the bare minimum to work, and if they are capable they pass on work to others. But, they want promotions. lol
@lonelytauros Cheers bro and I appreciate your thoughtfulness and your resolution.
@lonelytauros
in life we’re expected to always keep moving forward we’re always told never give up it’s a lot easier to move forward and never give up when you’ve got someone there with you whether it’s a friend or family member but when you’re trying to do it on your own, it’s not so easy
Very true
@Nature_Lover_ Oh wow. Thank you for this. I really appreciate the title. ACTIONABLE WAYS it seems like that specific aspect re lonliness is really important based on the study. It was incredibly thought provoking!
I just love this. LOVE. Now I will need to grab the book! 😊
There were so many lovely things about what YOU can do for yourself, as opposed to waiting for someone else to come along and "take away your loneliness." I think that is especially important. I also think it plays into the things I've learned from the cuddle world like asking for what you want. i.e. "Do you have any available time to spend with me? I'm missing our connection." wow. Just wow.
Goodness. I have been thinking about this since you initially posted it.
I thought it was interesting that they didn't talk about Helping/Donating/Giving but I suppose that is a subset of pretty much every single category. I also saw these interesting things about the different levels of connection. https://www.ef.com/wwen/blog/efacademyblog/importance-giving-back-to-your-community/
Helping your community is an opportunity for you to grow as a person, to better understand how you fit into the world around you. Donating your time to support those around you is extremely beneficial, both for you and your community. It is statistically proven that people who volunteer regularly are healthier both physically and mentally. Individuals who have volunteered throughout their lifetime typically live longer and have better psychological well-being. In addition to the health benefits, volunteering gives people a sense of purpose. The fulfilling feeling of giving back and contributing to society is unparalleled.
https://cipworldwide.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/03/The-Five-Stages-of-Friendships.pdf
https://www.totallysocialasd.com/coaches-corner--blog/comparing-ourselves-to-others-friendships
Your Brain On Loneliness-Christine Comaford
I've lived many lives: serial entrepreneur, technology and CEO advisor, venture capitalist, engineer in the early days of Microsoft. Today I help CEOs in rapid growth and turnaround scenarios to achieve previously unheard of results through seeing into their blind spots, aligning their team and board, changing challenging behaviors, increasing team accountability and execution. Some call me a business strategist, some call me an executive coach..
I decided to print out her words because they are so noteworthy and it makes it easier for me to reference them.
Nearly one in four Americans over 18 say they often or always feel lonely. Wow. That’s why Surgeon General Vivek Murthy says the United States is in the throes of a loneliness “epidemic”. If a leader is grappling with loneliness, it’ll effect not only themselves but of course their team and potentially the entire organization. If a team member is, you’ll see their work quality, creativity, motivation and more, plummet.
Fast Facts:
Feelings of loneliness are a biological signal designed to remind us that we need other people
When we don’t/can’t respond to these loneliness bio signals our brain actually changes, reshaping itself to make us even more lonely. Sustained loneliness can cause hypervigilance to potential threats (amygdala on high alert), paranoia, decline in memory (hippocampus and more) and cognitive function (prefrontal cortex and more), pessimism and hostility (more hyperactive amygdala), decreased ability to trust others (many parts of the brain are involved here!)
But the solution isn’t simply to socialize more. It’s to learn to connect to what brings positive emotions and meaning to your life. And to continue to do so. Further, sharing positive emotional experiences with others can mitigate the link between negative interpretations of external stimuli (such as deciding someone’s facial expression conveys they are disappointed with you) and loneliness.
12 Ways To Cure Loneliness
According to Dr. Edward Hallowell, an expert on anxiety and stress, there are twelve ways in which people need to connect in order to have full, rich, healthy, long lives. I had no idea how disconnected I actually was until I read his outstanding book, Connect: 12 Vital Ties That Open Your Heart, Lengthen Your Life, and Deepen Your Soul. I learned more about connecting in that book than I have from any shrink or at any seminar. BIRTH FAMILY, INNEDIATE FAMILY, FRIENDS/COMMUNITY, WORK, BEAUTY, HISTORY, NATURE, PETS/ANIMALS, IDEAS/INFORMATION, ORGANIZATIONS/INSTITUTIONS, GREATER TRUTH/SPIRITUALITY, MYSELF Here’s his list of where we should all be connecting. Where would you like to boost your feeling of connection? Ask yourself these questions:
Do I have strong bonds and clear communication with my parents, siblings, relatives? Do I connect with them regularly? What are some ways I might increase connection?
Do I treat them with love and respect? Are we emotionally close? What are some ways I might increase connection?
Do I see friends and neighbors on a regular basis? Do I share my life with them frequently? Do I make time to enjoy their company? Am I involved in community groups and projects? Do I identify with and support the community I live in? What are some ways I might increase connection?
Do I have emotional equity and a sense of mission at work? Do I share a connection with my co-workers and company? What are some ways I might increase connection?
Do I enjoy beauty regularly, do I appreciate it and pay attention to it and savor it? Do I take time to enjoy a favorite art form? What are some ways I might increase connection?
Do I feel part of the history of humankind? Do I learn about it, feel the power of it, and cherish the history of my country, town, culture? What are some ways I might increase connection?
Do I connect with nature on a weekly basis? Do I spend time outdoors or indoors caring for plants or appreciating nature? Do I have special places that are healing to me? What are some ways I might increase connection?
Do I enjoy playing with and having a relationship with a pet? Do I value animals and enjoy seeing them, listening to them, interacting with them? What are some ways I might increase connection?
Do I learn new things often? Am I interested in new ideas and perspectives? Am I getting the most out of my brain power? What are some ways I might increase connection?
Am I a member of any organizations? Do I contribute to their growth and welfare? What are some ways I might increase connection?
Do I have a spiritual practice? Do I make time to read spiritual, uplifting books or listen to podcasts? Do I continue to seek meaning and truth in whatever way resonates with me? What are some ways I might increase connection?
Do I meditate, have quiet time alone, know what matters most to me and live according to it? Am I comfortable being who I am? What are some ways I might increase connection? When you feel lonely, how do you return to an experience of connection?
I also really appreciated the comments.
@Minestrone101 I think you bring up something very valid. The way that relationships change over time. Because of your path and also because of the other person.
I'm thinking about people I knew in my youth. We were super close, grew up, some got married, some didn't, some wound up divorced, some with kids, some moved away, some came back.
What I have found interesting is that I can still find the intensity of the connection with certain people even if I only have a chance to see them once a year, whereas with others I get to have consistent mini connections because of where we are at in life. There are some really great friendships I have now even though we didn't know it was going to work out that way (i.e. a friend who was divorced a few years ago has become a REALLY CLOSE friend even though we were only mild acquaintances for the last 30 years as well as some FABULOUS connections I have made because of this cuddle world.)
I love the idea that life is PERFECT FOR NOW as opposed to it being something that we have to hold tightly to because we can't find joy if it is any different than what we thought it would be.
@Minestrone101 Thank you so much for sharing some of your inner thoughts and being vulnerable with your feelings. I'm thankful for you out there in the cuddleverse even though we are not long time friends. 😊 I love the beauty of old friends, but I have also gotten to a place where I can really enjoy new people as well!
Lyrics
I can still find Wiley's house Riding on my bike with eyes closed I could name every girl that he took out And from my memory, dial his house phone Can you take me back when we were just kids Who weren't scared of getting older? (yeah, yeah) 'Cause no one knows you like they know you And no one probably ever will You can grow up, make new ones But truth is there's nothing like old friends 'Cause you can't make old friends (mm, yeah) I can still feel the windows down Listening to Jimmy Eat World Riding 3-wide on Blake's bench seat (yeah) My God, it's been ten years now I would have his back tomorrow And he'd still fight anyone who tried to touch me Can you take me back when we were just kids Who weren't scared of getting older? (yeah, yeah) 'Cause no one knows you like they know you And no one probably ever will You can grow up, make new ones But truth is there's nothing like old friends 'Cause you can't make old friends And I've got some good friends now But I've never seen their parents' back porch I wouldn't change how things turned out But there's no one in this time zone Who knows what inline skates that I wore Can you take me back when we were just kids Who weren't scared of getting older? 'Cause no one knows you like they know you And no one probably ever will You can grow up, make new ones But the truth is That we grow up, then wish we could go back then There's nothing like old friends 'Cause you can't make old friends
Been a busy week at work and planning a recent trip! Just circling back to this post and love what it's become! Responding now to a couple of folks but hope I haven't unintentionally skipped over anyone because everyone had to many valid and thought provoking points and additions!
@Kallista the quotes are welcomed! ☺️💖 @CuddleDuncan thanks and I'm glad you found the article useful! @Nickoli - not planned 🤣 @JohnR1972 thanks @SunsetSnuggles 🤣🤣🤣 @Lev136 of course cuddling is also high on my go to list for combatting loneliness but what o loved about this article is that it provided some actionable self work/ steps. I am aware that not everyone can align their schedule, budget or lives to cuddle so the other ideas here were welcomed. @snugglebug99 thank you for your awesome input and feedback! 💜 I'm also a huge fan of the Charles Bukowski quote you shared! @lonelytauros very valid points, thank you for sharing! 🤗💖 @sillysassy blown away! Thank a for your feedback and energy which so enrich our awesome little community 💖💖💖
@sillysassy An oldie but goodie
@Minestrone101 LOVE IT!!!! Dionne Warwick, Elton John, Gladys Knight & Stevie Wonder. And that harmonica tho!!!!
They all look so so so YOUNG!!!
@sillysassy Dione Warwick was before my time , but only recently did I appreciate her. I always saw her as the psychic lady , but she has some hits!
@sillysassy Kinda sad how sometimes friendships and relationships are dictated by proximity and convenience or even societal views about which ones rank as important vs their actual value. Food for thought.
@SunsetSnuggles If only I could! xD
I’ve been dreaming of adding a golden retriever to my family ~ But they’re so big and have so much energy. Plus all the shedding! I don’t think I could handle the responsibility.
Maybe something smaller x3 Like a pug or a lil terrier ~
My girl Maya fills my heart and void...