Question for Women Cuddlers: How do you set hard lines with new cuddlers?

I've talked to a number of women cuddlers lately that have had difficulty navigating the "in-between" space of not necessarily boundary pushers, but men who are asking for too much too soon:

  • forgoing or speeding up the talking phase to cuddle
  • shooting down offers to cuddle publicly
  • not always forthcoming in providing personal orinformation for safety reasons
  • treating the site like a second Tinder: can I come over now? Honey potting and love bombing. Giving a lot of attention then ghosting or last minute cancellations.
  • trying to call all the shots on the first meeting (at the cafe? I'm not comfortable there. let's meet here instead and at this time.).
  • getting upset with not getting immediate responses
  • having no karma but trying to set the parameters and vetting or lack of vetting for the cuddle
  • treating women cuddlers as vending machines
  • not reading their profiles or asking anything about the women cuddlers (they are transactional)

It seems some or all of these are yellow flags. It doesn't help that some women cuddlers have been conditioned to be people pleasers so sometimes they just go along with it or get confused bc of their need for touch rather than setting hard boundaries.

I think the men cuddlers have to understand how much trust and vulnerability that goes into a cuddle - and if they're not willing to earn that, then go the pro route (and even that requires a good deal of trust involved too outside of the monetary transaction).

Thoughts from women pros and enthusiasts specifically?

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Comments

  • I advise women enthusiasts to see themselves as unicorns, and to never ignore their instincts. With women so greatly outnumbered by men here, and even more so outnumbered when they are not charging for cuddles, we ARE unicorns. We get to set the rules, ESPECIALLY when we don't know a man. It's incredibly dangerous for a woman to meet a stranger off the internet. Almost any man could overpower almost any woman, it's just biology. Most men have no concept of what it's like to daily be concerned with their own safety, it's just not part of most men's daily lives.

    So before I got into a relationship and stopped cuddling multiple partners, when any man did any of the things you listed, he automatically removed himself from consideration. He also removed himself from consideration by attempting to push any of my boundaries (and all of the behaviors you listed ARE boundary pushing), circumvent any of my rules, or just generally giving me the uh-oh feeling. Even with all this in place, I was STILL physically assaulted in a movie theater.

    Some people might read this and think no one would meet my criteria. Wrong. I grew very close to many male cuddlers, including cooking together, sleepovers, hikes, and camping trips.

    Ladies, set your expectations HIGH and good men will meet them. The rest will sort themselves out.

  • Enthusiast here.
    Those are RED flags, not yellow.
    I move on.
    My profile has 1 basic requirement to start communication.
    More than 3/4 disregard it.
    Several have been snarky when I don’t respond.
    I ignore.
    My request is a boundary.
    I need to uphold it.
    No apologies.

  • Thank you for clarifying!

  • 1.I view online interactions from how I interact in real life. Except, when online interactions, i think I'm merely interacting with pictures until i'm proven otherwise. I.E someone online to me doesn't exist until we actually meet in person.. .. I do try to bridge this via skyping, then build from there.

    Two / more of these points would be red flags to me. I personally would politely and quietly stop engaging if they showed up.

    2.I don't question MY red flags/ comfort levels. I'd rather be over cautious or pass on a potential buddy than be anxious or feel uncomfortable.

    3.I personally wouldn't meet up with a STRANGER (male/ female) in a non public location or public location that isn't convienent or comfortable to me. I'm comfortable with negiogating with this and when I don't feel comfortable, it's a red flag.

    4.I'm too concerned about my well being physically and mentally to be concerned about people pleasing.

    5.Any demanding or entitled behaviours gets ignored. I correct such behavuours in children so can't entertain it in adults.

    I have to look up what honey potting means..

  • Good post. Glad to know those are red flags.

  • @Cuddle_RN Thank you! I make frequent references to your movie theater cuddle requirements. You're in my Mount Rushmore of cuddlers. Wish you the best of luck in your relationship !

  • Delete the phrase "am I being mean" from your vocabulary. Ask yourself, "am I doing what is best for myself?.. am I honoring what my body and soul need to feel safe?"

    Whatever the other person's reaction to you advocating for your safety may be... Is their own damn business and their own stuff to work with. Say no, and "that doesn't work for me" and hit that block button baby. It's not your job to make sure no one feels hard feelings ever. It's not your job to keep everyone happy.

    It's your job to keep you happy. And safe.

  • [Deleted User]avebae (deleted user)
    edited November 2023

    Most of those are major red flags. I have my boundaries set and if anyone wants to ignore those then we won't have a session. Anyone who reads my profile and does what I ask in order to book a session will almost always guarantee a session. Just being respectful of me and my time is a huge plus. I don't bother to argue. Don't to send a picture or your name? No session. Even if they don't have ill intentions, would you want your sister, daughter, mother, etc meeting with a random person they have no information on? I'm sweet but not when it comes to my safety.

    On my video chats beforehand, I always make sure to go over the rules and have a conversation on consent. I want us both to feel safe and secure during the session, as we all do. It's pretty easy to pick up on red flags, but some do slip through the cracks, unfortunately.

    Sidenote:
    To any new pros / enthusiasts reading this, who take time to vet people, know that sometimes people can push the boundaries in a session when they had seemed perfectly normal (and/or had amazing karma) before. Don't blame yourself for feeling like you didn't do enough vetting or there's something you did wrong. After having my boundaries pushed by two different people with stellar karma, I blamed myself for not looking more into them, rather than realizing some people just fucking suck and get off on manipulating others. As other pros have mentioned on here, taking a course on consent would be beneficial to you and your clients. DON'T BE AFRAID TO SAY NO AND LEAVE!

    Of course, we're in charge of vetting, but if you did all you could and felt it was safe to book a session, do not feel as if it was your fault. Report them (EVEN IF it's a "minuscule" rule break or just something that made you uncomfortable) and write that negative karma (EVEN IF you need some time to collect yourself and process it to do so). You're preventing another person from harm. Reach out to fellow cuddlers privately for advice or a just a shoulder to cry on if you need it. I'm always available to be of help if need be, and I'm sure majority of people on here will be as well. 🩷

  • The SECOND you start to feel uneasy or uncomfortable, say no. Trust me. Almost every time I've experienced similar things from men on this site, I end up saying no, and then they wind up banned or deleted within a day or two. I just know that following my intuition spares me. I don't take every cuddle that is requested of me by any means, and if someone doesn't want to send a CLEAR photo (whether or not we've had a Google Chat/Meet) of themselves, then I NOPE out. Remember that you OWE NO ONE ANYTHING. If someone is upset you didn't respond right away, I promise they are not the right cuddler/client (whether you're an enthusiast or a pro, I don't know but this goes for both). If you feel they are trying to control things, let them go. Almost everything you stated is a gigantic red flag.

    I only accept cuddles when I feel I am in control, the client has acted reasonably, has sent a pic, and has been KIND, courteous, and set me at ease. If there's even an inkling that this is going to go poorly, if he procrastinates sending the pic for a few messages, if he tries to "get the upper hand" or tries to talk me down from my hourly rate-- I'm done. Some of the ones I have said no to have ended up on the forum where pros post about bad experiences, so I know that what i'm doing is working.

    PLUS, all my cuddles have gone exceedingly well! So be choosy, listen to "vibes" and protect yourself at all costs.

  • Question for Women Cuddlers: How do you set hard lines with new cuddlers?

    I write the hard lines in chalk in the shape of a body, because I have a hard line of not wishing to be whacked. Plus it’s colorful and easy to clean.

  • not always forthcoming in providing personal orinformation [typo in original] for safety reasons

    Ironic that this was said (not by OP) to be a form of boundary pushing when it could just be due to someone abiding by their own boundaries

  • [Deleted User]avebae (deleted user)

    @snugglomaniac I can understand not wanting to give out too much personal information, but a lot of the time people just want a photo of the person / ID. Just so they know that person isn't, like, someone with a violent criminal history. I have to show my face and prove I'm real, so if that person's boundary includes them not showing their face, they can find someone else. No one's forcing them to send the information.

    If a person hasn't been banned previously or isn't on the FBI's most wanted list, it shouldn't be that risky sending a photo of yourself before meeting a stranger who does not know who tf you are.

    Just using pattern recognition, the people on this site who don't want to provide a photo or ID usually have ill intentions. That's just my take though 🤨

  • @snugglomaniac - If that's the case, then the boundaries will criss cross and it probably won't be a match and you'll both have to move on.

  • so if that person's boundary includes them not showing their face, they can find someone else. No one's forcing them to send the information.

    This is the crux of all boundaries. People don't wish to send their ID or a picture of their face on this site for many reasons and not all are nefarious though sadly some are. Unlike many here, I have no problem with someone wanting to stay anonymous, but if a professional clearly states they want some form of ID from you as a client and you try to avoid that, then that is overstepping boundaries and is out of line. The respectful thing to do as a client is say "that makes me uncomfortable so I will just not engage." I do it plenty and I am fine with it because my separating my personal identification from this site is important to my privacy and past/future safety as with many things on the internet. I don't feel entitled to any professional's time and I want both parties to feel/be safe during an encounter. This might just mean two people are not compatible as the boundary line is overstepped in either direction.

  • Please, this thread is for women only. I'll start a new one for men cuddlers. Thanks.

  • How do you set hard lines with new cuddlers?

    Well, if said interaction goes well and I actually talk on the phone to them OR actually meet said cuddlers (which have all been men cuz that's where I am at right now😉) face to face...

    I will inform them VERBALLY which includes me actually quoting my profile (for example, "cuddle without sexual intentions" is spoken A LOT by me😊) a lot and I do it with a straight face (aka resting bitch face😑)and totes firmness in my voice.😌

    Lol! I know how men "love" women with a firm tone voice coupled with a straightforward (or resting bitch face😑) look on our faces.😆

    My son absolutely adores my resting bitch face😑 by the way😍...No not really, he doesn't!😜🤪😝

    But recently, I decided to update my profile with a "cuddle boundaries listing" and along with a firm and friendly reminder about body and oral hygiene. Listerine is your friend!😁👍

    However, I'll still continue quoting my profile STRAIGHTFACED FIRMLY VERBALLY (resting bitch face😑) as it does tend to weed out the ones who either don't read my profile (which is A LOT of them 🙄especially the ones who chime in with "love your profile" remarks as icebreakers in my inbox without explaining WHY they "loved it"😏). And by me continually doing that, it can sometimes cause those who "think" something along the lines of "she's not serious about these boundaries, once she sees what a GREAT GUY I AM" malarkey to second guess their "true intentions" about why they want to cuddle with me in the first place.😒😏

    Yeah, I am VERY SERIOUS about my boundaries whether it's cuddling or otherwise.😑😁

  • @Katota LOOL was picturing the sceanarios! Good for you!

  • Well thanks @Minestrone101, Mt Rushmore 😂😂😂

  • edited November 2023

    @4cuddles Why thank you kindly! Lol!😁 Resting bitch face, is very useful.😁

    I have perfected my own technique of switching between SMILES😁 to Resting Bitch Face😑 in a nano second now. Lol😁

    And then there's my "evil smile"😈 expression, that really confuses the ones that I mentioned in my previous comment there.😄

  • @Katota A good ole fashioned RBF. lol

  • @Katota stop! LOOL!. Mine RBF could do with some work. Apparently it gives sadness/ confusion than RBF! :(

  • @4cuddles resting sad face lol

  • @4cuddles Lol! 😄 Well I have been perfecting mine since childhood (yeah it was one of those kind of childhoods😌😊).
    😄😁

    Yeah, just keep on practicing and you'll develop the resting bitch face that ALL (regardless of gender) with false intentions will shrink away from you internally as well as externally.😁👍

    @Minestrone101 Lol!😄 You're a real hoot!

  • @Katota Everyone needs a rbf sometimes. or for the joker, resting happy face.

  • While I don’t believe gender is the thing that defines that expression I will say mine is the reason I look a little younger than I am. 😂😂😂 Pro at it.

  • Fun fact - Once on an annual review I was told I needed to tone down my hostile expressions. Turns out my casual, 'Huh, I wonder who is that over there?' looks less like someone trying to focus and more like an 'Ugh, go ef yourself already!'

  • @quixotic_life That's a tough one. So do you change your expression or change faces or change the audience? lol

  • @quixotic_life and @Minestrone101
    At my job, I like to joke around some. One coworker who is fairly new to employment (age 21) thought I was trying to bully. I’m a super nice person and wouldn’t bully anyone. So I had to tone down my joking with her and be super nice. So I totally get giving off the wrong vibe. :)

  • @Cuddle_RN Yes! Mounted in granite or limestone or whatever! :)

    @CuddleHugs01234 Yes, what pple find funny or even tolerable is constantly changing ! Even my gen x pop culture groups on FB can be easily combustible at times.

  • @Minestrone101 ~ I'm sure I ended up saying something like, 'Um... my face is my face though. If someone is thinking I'm upset with them, they could either check-in to see if they're right, or just shrug me off for my not bring direct. Right?'

    But my expression when thinking/processing is even worse (or so I've been told) so I did try keeping that all in mind while there. And I also started wearing my glasses indoors again too.

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