"Never attribute to malice..."

AngelPendavezAngelPendavez
in General

> "...that which is adequately explained by stupidity."

Bit of a rant here. Nothing everyone here doesn't go through on a regular basis, I'm sure. Still, it bothers me and I'd just like the opportunity to talk about it.

I get quite a few messages like, "Hey I'm in town for a couple of days, let me know if you'd like to meet up."

Simple enough. Benign, most likely. But it bothers me.

For one thing, it's an impromptu proposal, completely last minute. And I can't help thinking if this person actually wanted to meet me, they would have given me a more advanced notice. Or even added a disclaimer. Something to the effect of, "I realize this is short notice, so if you can't make it, I understand. But if you'd like, we can get to know each other in the meantime and possibly get together the next time I visit."

In addition to that, it's an impromptu proposal from a complete stranger. Had they messaged me prior to the trip, we could have talked and made plans in advance. This would give us adequate time to screen each other. I'm annoyed by the notion of such a last minute invitation from someone I don't know, to meet at a place and time of their choosing. It feels... audacious? What self-preserving person would meet a stranger at a place of the stranger's choosing without any prior planning?

It assumes so much and comes off as inconsiderate. To me, at least.

I'm sure a lot of these messages are "fishing", a phenomenon where the same, generic message is sent to as many other users as possible. Quantity over quality. A valid strategy, I suppose. But it lacks the heart and enthusiasm of a person who is looking for an opportunity to really connect.

Maybe I take it a little too seriously. But when I find someone I like, I really want to get to know them.
And I suppose I'm a little sad that most of the messages I get don't reciprocate this energy, so I often don't reply.

Just as well. Honestly, I'm awfully tired these days. Maybe it's irresponsible to be looking for more social connections when I'm not in the best state to nurture them. Might just take a break ~

After that, maybe I'll make some changes to profile sometime. Clarify what it is I would like from potential cuddle partners.

Anywho ~ Thanks for reading. (˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶)

Comments

  • DonLonGDonLonG

    You are not wrong. However I also feel the send a message part of the How it Works section of the website sets a precedent.

    Send them a Message:
    You send them a message but you won't need to worry about how to word it – they already get it. They're here for the same reason you are; to cuddle and nothing more.

    I understand its to encourage shy people to participate, and overall a larger community would be beneficial. But it probably confuses a lot of new comers who don't take the time to get more familiar with how it really works.

    I think Cuddle Comfort did their job attracting people to the community. Now it's our job to groom the community into how we would like it to be.

  • CuddleHugs01234CuddleHugs01234

    I agree. I have on my profile that I like to get to know people first.

    When I was first on here, I was more abrupt on asking for cuddling. It didn’t go as well. So I learned.

    If they to ask too abruptly, you can always respond with what you would’ve liked them to say, and send a message back that you are not available short notice and if they want to get to know you better and try next time they are planning to be in town, that would work better for you.

  • KatotaKatota
    edited November 2023

    "Hey I'm in town for a couple of days"

    Lol! Those "traveling through your town cuddlers" are hilarious to me.😆

    Oh sure, I am just gonna drop what I'm doing to go accommodate some stranger who is NOW "traveling through my town" this very minute. 🤔😏🙄

    Lol! Oh my, whatever shall I wear? 🤔
    How about this blue dress? 👗
    Or my pink shirt 👚 with blue jeans 👖?
    Hmmm...🤔
    Maybe add a fun hat 👒 on top?😁

    😂

    YES! Cuz, this stranger chose ME to be his possible murder vict...Uhh, I mean to be his 'insta-cuddle partner'.😒

    Cuz he's a traveling cuddler and he's made a lot of stops all over the world.
    🇦🇫🇦🇲🇧🇯🇧🇪🇦🇼🇧🇮🇨🇦🇨🇲🇦🇸🏳️‍🌈

    last part from a hip Willie Nelson song
    😄

    Yeah that's what I MEANT to say:

    Insta-Cuddle Partner!😉

    Gosh, how lucky am I?! YIPPEE!😆🤭

    Well I say: "Stranger, you just keep on traveling...Drive safe! Buh bye 👋 "

  • NickWkNickWk

    I understand the sentiment, I’ve been sending out short messages to introduce myself to people I would like to cuddle or even travel to cuddle weeks in advance. First, I want myself and someone else to develop some sort of comfort and expectation of safety and that we could share a great experience rather than begin in total apprehension. Secondly, I couldn’t imagine continuing with a possible appointment if we learn there is no compatibility at all. At the same time, getting to know someone is a really big energy investment and I’m initially just hoping to satisfy someone’s screening, cuddle a little, then let both decide if we become great cuddle buddies. It really is a coin toss to find like minded people here or just someone out for a quick buck.

  • RobynsNestRobynsNest
    edited November 2023

    I feel the same. You are not alone. It's incredibly presumptuous to assume a grown adult has a wide open schedule and can drop whatever lives we have for them. I reply with my standard about getting to know each other via video chat or in-person first. I provide a few days and times I'm available along with the cost. And yes, I charge for that. I am doing this as a service and I expect my time and energy to be respected as I respect the client's. This reply is either ignored or they schedule the meeting with me. But I have noticed it does weed out those who are not looking for the service I provide.

    Piggybacking on this topic of respecting another's time and energy is no-shows. I find it incredibly rude to not show for an agreed upon meeting. Either in person or video. I am considering changing my standard to reflect that once payment is received I will block my calendar for them.

    I will also leave karma that reflects this behavior if it becomes repetitive. As I would expect the same if it were me not showing up for scheduled appointments.

    I will add that repeat clients have and can shoot me a msg to see if I'm free last minute because they are known to me. I'm strictly discussing new clients.

  • KatotaKatota

    It's incredibly presumptuous to assume a grown adult has a wide open schedule and can drop whatever lives we have for them.

    THIS!👍👍👍

    @RobynsNest 😁

  • RobynsNestRobynsNest

    I want myself and someone else to develop some sort of comfort and expectation of safety and that we could share a great experience rather than begin in total apprehension.

    This! 💯

  • sillysassysillysassy
    edited November 2023

    @DonLonG I just adore you and I COMPLETELY AGREE!! Your post did a good job explaining why that kind of messaging feels good to a certain demographic. I wish @Mark would add a short note after that saying ”some people prefer more messages and connection and some are ready in an instant!” so that BOTH people wouldn’t feel frustrated, but alas, I suppose since it’s not my website then it will be whatever he wants it to be.

    I think Cuddle Comfort did their job attracting people to the community. Now it's our job to groom the community into how we would like it to be.

    On that note…

    @EarthlyAngel003 I absolutely agree with you…. It is not my style at all to have a “drop everything and make a plan with me” either.

    You said…

    It assumes so much and comes off as inconsiderate. To me, at least.
    … it lacks the heart and enthusiasm of a person who is looking for an opportunity to really connect.
    …But when I find someone I like, I really want to get to know them.

    I think it is a beautiful thing when you know yourself well enough to know what you prefer. Getting to know someone is important to you. And me too!! But not everyone.

    The one thing I am grateful for above all things is I get to choose whether or not to take things personally.
    I get to respond or delete.
    I get to mute my account and only reach out to people I feel are more aligned with my goals.

    I love it!! I get to choose what my heart needs. ❤️

    Good job you for taking a minute to figure out what is best for you.

    And big HUGS!! From Colorado. 😊😊😊

    EDITED to say @EarthlyAngel003 i love love love your profile with all of the fonts and stars and explanations and WOW!! FABULOUS!! You put a lot of work into that… and like you said, maybe this is a new line that needs to be added if you feel it’s necessary to explain you won’t respond with immediate requests or how much you desire getting to know someone before the cuddle. But I feel you certainly don’t have to because you get to decide and a message or cuddle request does not DEMAND a response. ❤️

  • SunsetSnugglesSunsetSnuggles

    @EarthlyAngel003 posted: "Maybe it's irresponsible to be looking for more social connections when I'm not in the best state to nurture them."

    Oof, girl! As the kids say, "I feel personally attacked." 😂 Or more aptly put...that really spoke to me. le sigh I so adore making connections, but for every PM I send/answer, imagine this...a response comes back! And my inbox is right back where it started. 😆

    Anyway, this traveling cuddler bit...yeah, if they hit you up with no attempt to get to know you, screw that. I never respond well (internally) to insta-cuddle requests, no matter where the person is from or is going. If I don't know you, we can start getting to know each other, and I'll be happy to do so, but slapping a total stranger on my cuddle schedule is just not how I do things.

    I do have some understanding for traveling cuddlers, since I live in the middle of a bunch of cattle ranches and travel for literally all of my cuddles (closest was an hour and a half away; most are seven+ hours away). But that said, there are certain things I do to make traveling cuddles as smooth as I can, for everyone. Number one is adding my destination as a second location as far in advance as possible (usually a month), so that I have time to get to know people who message me when they see me in their area.

    If I'm feelin' froggy, I might start a thread on traveling cuddler suggestions, including the things I do, and the negative things I've learned not to do/had others try on me, if that's cool with you, @EarthlyAngel003.

    ~ Sunset Snuggles

    🦄 Enthusiast 🏞 Travel Fiend 🐘 Animal Lover

  • [Deleted User]MaverickLegend (deleted user)

    You can’t always get what you want in life and it’s the same with cuddle comfort women especially are going to receive unwanted messages or messages that somewhat offend them. It kind of goes with the territory since it is a public website I mean the best thing to do is just block who’s ever bothering you I’ve blocked many people And don’t have an ounce of regret. And sometimes it isn’t even anything that they said it’s just a bad vibe that I get from them.

    We are not gonna be able to “groom”the community. People are going to say what they want to say, and those that say things that go against the terms of service or go against what your personal standards are, are either gonna get blocked or banned.

  • RobynsNestRobynsNest

    I might start a thread on traveling cuddler suggestions, including the things I do, and the negative things I've learned not to do/had others try on me...

    I would love this! 😊

  • RobynsNestRobynsNest

    People are going to say what they want to say, and those that say things that go against the terms of service or go against what your personal standards are, are either gonna get blocked or banned.

    Agree 💯

  • _marC_marC

    This is good advice and somthin that can help a lot of people

    so some cuddlers don't like impromptu proposals from a complete stranger...

    Thank you for sharing💯

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    I'm sure a lot of these messages are "fishing", a phenomenon where the same, generic message is sent to as many other users as possible. Quantity over quality. A valid strategy, I suppose.

    I completely understand the distaste for last minute requests. The chances of a session going well with that are 1 in 100. But the fishing approach with enthusiasts is valid and I will tell you why. A lot of the men on here can send 100 messages and maybe get 1 response. Men’s time is as valuable as yours so no one has time to craft 100 custom messages and then hope for the best. I am fortunate as I get messages from enthusiasts now but that is from karma and longevity on the site. Most guys do not have that luxury but their time is valuable nonetheless. If most enthusiasts responded to their messages then the plea for heartfelt customized messages might ring true. But the truth of the matter is female enthusiasts are inundated with messages and men are inundated with crickets.

  • 4cuddles4cuddles

    @EarthlyAngel003 i hope this post helps with venting and energises even only slightly. Virtuak hugs! Related tk your tiredness. Such messages can be drainning tbh, I'd imagine life is also living..

    If yoy don't already do it, block such messages without even responding. Even that is annoying!

    So you dont feel completely alone with it, my last similar message was info from a total random person on the internet telling me they had booked an hotel etc for the afternoon ..& of the same day.!! Never responded to this profile prior to this mind u.

    It's so bizzare to me.!!

    Even when i try to imagine my response were I male... Such message would be still be a red flag to me! I often wonder how reckless some people can be, hoe they guartnee i am who i claim to be, not a danger to society etc?

    @Katota LOL! Your post was refreshing! Read like a post from my brain unedited!

  • achetocuddleachetocuddle

    @EarthlyAngel003 I could very nearly have written your message. I SO relate to it. At the same time I was thinking "Oh,
    go ahead and attribute some of it to malice; there is plenty of that here too, lol." I hope such a thoughtful and sincere
    person as yourself finds lots of cuddles :)

  • KingsportCuddleKingsportCuddle

    Well said, @DonLonG :)

  • bobadevoteebobadevotee

    1. A lot of them assume this is a cover for sex work, so they assume it’s your main gig and that you’ll meet up asap for the extra money. Think about it. Especially examples I see in this thread of guys saying they already booked a hotel and want you to come today… That is very obviously someone looking for a SWer, but wanting to save money by using this site instead of paying what an actual SWer would charge.

    2. Even if they don’t assume that, many still assume it’s your main gig. Lots of men here think Pros get paid enough to not have a day job because they see the hourly rate. But they don’t see the lack of regularity, the flakes, the fact that those with good screening procedures will reject 90% of inquiries because they are weird and we don’t want to get murdered.

    3. Putting anything in your profile will barely help. I get flooded with messages daily of men who clearly didn’t read anything in my profile, as they follow NONE of my profile guidelines. I actually once asked a guy why he thought he was exempt from my guidelines, since he sent a message demanding a cuddle without following any of my rules, and he responded with an unhinged rant criticizing me and my profile. lol. No one likes to be accountable for their actions.

    **There is a tiny percentage that will read your profile so I suggest you still update it. But don’t expect this problem to go away. Maybe 2% of my inquiries are men who read my profile.

  • quixotic_lifequixotic_life
    edited November 2023

    "Maybe I take it a little too seriously. But when I find someone I like, I really want to get to know them."
    "And I suppose I'm a little sad that most of the messages I get don't reciprocate this energy, so I often don't reply."

    "Just as well. Honestly, I'm awfully tired these days. Maybe it's irresponsible to be looking for more social connections when I'm not in the best state to nurture them. Might just take a break" ~ @EarthlyAngel003

    I agree with your stance 100% and same with the calls to @Mark to reconsider the changing of the problematic ad wording.

    But it's that last bit in your post that I can really relate to right now. I thought I was ready again. I met with someone, then was flooded with a mix of, "Whoa, Nellie I'm not ready!" and some intense guilt around not being able to recieve or reciprocate, and for putting them through that moment with me too (what a mess).

    And I think there's something to be said for being upfront about not being in a state to nurture, and sharing that with potential cuddle peoples. But I also think it's reasonable to have the expectation that when reaching out it be done in a way that's respectful of you as a fellow human being.

    Also, if men are actually sending a copy/paste message, to multiple women all at once, they should at least put some effort into that one generic message so they don't come off so red flaggy. Sheesh.

  • achetocuddleachetocuddle

    It's very kind to let people know when one is not feeling in a condition to nurture. I do that and appreciate when others do.

    Haven't read the whole thread but there is a lot of good stuff here.

  • ReltvlyCanshesReltvlyCanshes

    I'm probably guilty of this. Partly because i like to dialogue and i like it to start with salutations and little information, kinda build up. I also am a terrible planner, and spontaneous. So of i find myself in a different location and i have free time i do reach out. Even if i in own in advance i will reach out ahead of time, but it's usually not much time. So i guess it's a seize the day type of thought. I do understand completely how that may come across, so that's why i am about the greetings and salutations. I generally get the same amount of response either way, so while i understand where the iissue is with a last minute approach fly by approach in my experience well planned in advance and thought out messages have the same response rate.

  • 4cuddles4cuddles

    @BashfulLoner glad to read your post. Greetings & salutations are so underrated! I personally like to know the names of people im chatting to in the first messages.

    Whilst i don't always have the luxury of Sponteaniety, think it would be better received with some intro / greetings!

  • JohnR1972JohnR1972

    I travel a lot but I have never sent a message like the one the OP quoted. I generally know weeks to months in advance of my trips and I will reach out with a brief, friendly message (and a photo) introducing myself and saying, “I am going to be in your area the 12th - 14th next month…”. Sometimes that leads to a cuddle and sometimes it doesn’t.

    With that said, when I read, “I’m in town for a couple of days…” I do not hear, “drop everything you are doing and come cuddle with me this afternoon”. A “couple of days” is vague so it would be more useful if the message read, “I am in town through Thursday.” If such a message was sent on a Monday, that is a 3 day window. Yes, that is still short notice compared to what I do (sending a DM weeks in advance) but some travelers travel on short notice and some members of this site MAY be available for an hour or two sometime within the next 3 days.

    I don’t read the message quoted by the OP as a demand or “you are the lucky one I have chosen” but rather as an open ended invitation that can be accepted, rejected, or ignored.

    There is also a huge difference between contacting a pro on relatively short notice (1-3 days in advance) vs an enthusiast. Some pros say in their profiles there is an upcharge for same day cuddles or that they do not accept same day booking requests. But I think most pros would be happy to book a session 1-3 days in advance if they are available.

    In my experience, most enthusiasts prefer longer advanced notice and getting to know people better before meeting in person, but I still don’t see the harm in a short, polite invitation. If nothing else, it might result in meeting for a cup of coffee on that trip and a cuddle on a future trip.

  • 4cuddles4cuddles

    @JohnR1972 that's an interesting perspective. I'd be more inclined to view such messages as you do, if I ALREADY have rapport with said person. Off the batt or as a first message TO ME, it's entitled or 'rude'.

    It's not only the time window, that's the issue. It's the lack of warmth or thoughtfulness etc. I'm not just a cuddle machine, where you make your request known and viola. . That's part of the entitlement/ rudeness. Such messages to me, disregards me beyond the messager's need for comfort etc.
    Perhaps the distinction between pros and enthuasist is somewhat important here ... perhaps not. Since not all enthusaists feel as I do.

  • JohnR1972JohnR1972

    @4cuddles - After re-reading your original post I realize I was focused on the timing aspect rather than the content aspect. I guess in my mind I was (wrongly) assuming there was more to the message than “I’m in town, wanna cuddle”.

    Realizing now that was essentially the whole message I understand where you are coming from.

  • AngelPendavezAngelPendavez

    @DonLonG Oh wow, I didn't realize. Yeah, that could use an update. And there have been some wonderful guides that I’ve seen floating around in the forums about how to write good introductions and such~

    Thank you to everyone for your responses! I want to take the time to reply to each one but it may take me a little while 😅💛

  • HoosCuddlingHoosCuddling
    edited December 2023

    In defense of "traveling cuddlers"....I often look for pro coddlers when I travel, especially when I travel to larger cities. The pool in my small town is pretty limited, and so I'm always happy to meet up with someone new when I can. The downside, of course, is that you can't really build a regular cuddling relationship with someone geographically inconvenient. So that part kind of stinks.

    But, I always try to book with someone a few weeks in advance. This gives us time to get to know each other, to have a phone or video call (if she wants to), to set expectations, etc. Setting up the cuddle well in advance is ALWAYS my preference. Typically if I'm traveling for work I'll only have one or two possible dates for a session, so I try and set these up well in advance.

    More than once, however, I've had sessions set up way in advance like this and then the cuddler cancels on me the day before or the day of. I'm never angry about it -- life happens, things happen, sometimes it's unavoidable. BUT, then (because I was looking forward to a cuddle session) now I become one of the last minute cuddle requestors that @EarthlyAngel003 describes. Now, when this has happened to me I always explain that another cuddle canceled on me last minute, I know short notice isn't ideal, and I will totally understand if she can't accommodate me.

    So far this has happened three times, and only once has a cuddler been able to accommodate me last minute. Her profile explicitly said that it didn't hurt to ask about short-notice sessions, which reassured me. AND, that session was one of my all time favorites.

    I think it's important (again as @EarthlyAngel003 describes) to add some context to the request. I'm never asking last minute because I'm trying to be inconsiderate; I'm asking because something else fell through. And truthfully, I don't expect a last minute request to be accepted. But I also don't think there's any harm in asking, as long as it's done in a respectful way.

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    👆👆👆👆👆This

    @WiserGuy3000 Been there and have had that happen.

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