Uncertainty in this space

BenjiRaderBenjiRader
in General

Hi everyone, I’m Benji. I’m new. I found cuddling about 3 years ago, and I’ve been in love ever since 🥰

I’m grateful for this forum b/c I think platonic touch is a very positive advancement in how people communicate in our society, which needs all the help it can get.

But I am a lil unsure about participating in this community after feeling unsafe while reading about the role professional cuddling has on people’s safety.

This triggers my own childhood sexual abuse, when I was 7, which is one reason I like cuddling so much — b/c it’s helping me trust people again.

I know there r a lot of wonderful people—many of whom I haven’t met yet 🤓—who can help repair all the fractured trust between people in the world. But the more older posts I dig thru, the more I worry I’m participating in a community that unintentionally fosters sexual abuse.

So this is a question for people w/ sexual trauma—

how do u navigate this? Have any advice? 🙏🙏🙏

—Benji 🦋

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Comments

  • AnDee46AnDee46

    It's disappointing that there are people who will take advantage in any situation.

  • geobuggeobug

    True but don’t give up. There are still trustworthy people out there. When you find them, it’s a breath of fresh air. I can’t speak from the background of abuse. But from my personal experience, when you find people without an agenda other than to connect in a pure way it’s worth the effort.

  • cuddlbddycuddlbddy

    I am somewhat on the other end of this, i did face abuse as an 11 year old... many years later discovered cuddling, found someone met them a handful of times, spoke/virtual sessions a few times... connected in a pure way and then they ghosted me one day... I know they're active, I know they're earning new karma from folks... but being ghosted is now a new kind of challenge that I have to learn to work thru

  • BenjiRaderBenjiRader

    🥰

  • Tezza0748Tezza0748

    I'm here for this reason too. Physical and sexual abuse has left me an introvert, I'm hoping cuddling therapy will help me to trust and connect people.
    I was speaking to someone who I felt I was connecting to and one day I came online to find out I had been blocked.
    I'm not sure if I want to get to know anew person to feel abandoned again, so I've made a booking with a professional cuddler.

  • frankparker9frankparker9
    edited May 2024

    I feel like I’m missing something. How are we, as a community, unintentionally fostering sexual abuse? That seems relevant to know to have discussion on that POV.

  • PeopleLikeUsPeopleLikeUs

    I'd be curious to know how you feel about the posts made back at the beginning of CC? Back then there was more of a balance between Pro, enthusiast, gender etc. Plus those posts have a different vibe.

  • WestsideMarcWestsideMarc
    edited May 2024

    First of all, let me just lead off by saying that I am terribly sorry that you have suffered the assaults in which you have described. I can’t even imagine how terrible that must be.

    Having said that, I read your post 5x just to make sure I wasn’t missing anything, but I’m questioning this post for a few reasons:

    1) I’m with @frankparker9 on this one; I too am confused on how you could possibly think this community “unintentionally fosters sexual abuse”?! I’m sorry but that just seems rather absurd to me.

    There are 4,216,000 posts in these forums on the ardent practice of safety, the unwavering ethos of platonic behavior, and the vigilant lack of tolerance and the immediate banning for bad behavior.

    2) As a male, exactly what is your concern about a female professional cuddler sexually assaulting you??? …. And before anyone posts some statistic about female on male assault let’s please just take a pause for a moment, and be realistic here of the odds of that actually happening from a female professional cuddler to a male here on Cuddle Comfort.

    3) Lastly, you say you are new here but according to your profile you joined 6 years ago.

    I’m sorry my friend but these assertions are just not adding up for me .

  • [Deleted User]WriterGF (deleted user)

    Yes, how did you join this site in 2018 but not discover cuddling until three years later?

  • HathorHathor

    I agree that cuddling can be a great way to rediscover a sense of safety in your own body and safety with touch after having gone through sexual trauma. That’s originally how I discovered this whole thing! A friend was processing sexual trauma and looked to a pro cuddler to help her feel safe again. So it’s not uncommon, even if many people don’t lead with that information. You’re not alone! 💜

    My suggestion is to ask questions before you meet the person, check reviews and even seek someone who is trauma informed. If someone is willing to take the time to talk to you beforehand about what you need, and you get a good feeling from their answers, it’s much more likely they are willing and able to give you the kind of experience you want.

    There’s no way to guarantee you won’t be triggered but if you take precautions and listen to your instincts in the planning phase, the likelihood of having a great session where you feel safe and held is much higher. I wish you the best with your journey!

  • SBGSBG

    @WestsideMarc This community IS absolutely ripe for (and rife with) assault, even if it is predominantly men against women. It's not unreasonable to think that the OP doesn't want to support that, even if it doesn't directly affect him. And I don't think a suspicious attitude is helpful here. Assault in any form is triggering.

    I'm a female enthusiast and I've been low-key assaulted through connections found here. And I've certainly had my fair share of disgusting comments in messages. I think the issue is that the OP may not want to be committed to space that contains that. For me, the answer is that it's a better alternative than my other options for finding connections.

    I hope the OP finds more kindness in this community than you presented here.

  • [Deleted User]WriterGF (deleted user)

    I'm holding off on responding to the OP's question until we find out how he joined CC in 2018, but didn't discover cuddling until 2021 and is "new" here in 2024.

  • SBGSBG

    @WriterGF why is that so important?

    Folks lurk in forums for years all the time. Or take a while to commit to any action.

  • Armenian_SwagArmenian_Swag

    I've been meeting a woman from this site, we had a good time together. However she just got banned. Since she's an enthusiast and I've been meeting her at her place, probably best for me to stop talking to her. Upsetting because she is the only person from this site I actually met up with, but glad to have found out for the sake of my safety.

  • WestsideMarcWestsideMarc
    edited May 2024

    @SBG Are you seriously calling my very fairly and carefully worded inquiry “assault”? Please. Look up the definition. Start with going back and re-reading the first paragraph again, do those sounds like the words of someone assaulting?!

    Secondly, there’s a gigantic difference between bad behavior transpiring on this site (which I’ve already addressed) versus CC FOSTERING it.

    I asked a fair question yet to be answered on what exactly is his concern in regards to a female professional sexually assaulting him.

    Lastly, a “suspicious attitude”? No. Basic math. Joining 6 years ago is not new, and I’m not the only one that feels that way here.

    And if the gentleman that wrote this wants to support his assertions, clarify, correct or elaborate he is free and welcome to do so here.

    And I don’t need you “assaulting” ME in this forum for showing compassion, asking questions and pointing out facts.

    If you want to challenge things, go ahead, but maybe just be a little bit more careful in your choice of wording OK?

  • pmvinespmvines

    @WestsideMarc
    Where the hell are you getting that anybody has said that you have assaulted someone ? @SBG said that she understands where OP is coming from and can empathize , and said she herself has been low key assaulted, and you somehow find that offensive to you and feel the need to go on the attack ? The defensiveness is pretty odd.

  • MorpheusMorpheus

  • SBGSBG

    @WestsideMarc

    No, I do not identify your inquiry/comments as assault. But I have experienced assault in this community and it's a fair question to ask if someone very sensitive to assault should associate themselves with this community.

    It's a worthy question. We can be kind here.

  • SBGSBG

    "there’s a gigantic difference between bad behavior transpiring on this site (which I’ve already addressed) versus CC FOSTERING it.">

    And this is a good point - and it begs the question, is any public space free from assault? As a woman, the answer is often no.

  • UREverythingUREverything

    More power to you @BenjiRader

  • WestsideMarcWestsideMarc
    edited May 2024

    @pmvines That’s how I interpreted her comment to me from her previous sentence.
    Now I see she clarified so case closed….

  • [Deleted User]WriterGF (deleted user)

    @SBG People do indeed lurk. But lurking for years does not equal discovering cuddling three years after you joined a site about cuddling. Along with the other things this site is filled with, it is filled with people who like to stir the pot for their own reasons. When you are asking a controversial question and the math doesn't jibe with your self-description it is going to raise a question.

  • SBGSBG

    @WriterGF
    So what do you see as controversial about his question? It seems reasonable to be cautious of the spaces we occupy, especially given his history.

    And the way I read his profile, @BenjiRader was involved in in-person cuddle parties before moving to a new location and now he needs to find new cuddle contacts, thus using the site more. Maybe he joined way back when he first got involved.

    It just doesn't matter when he joined.
    I do not think the appropriate response to someone saying "I'm triggered" is to shoot at him.

    It may be foolish on my part and unwanted, but I'm feeling defensive on his behalf.

  • pmvinespmvines
    edited May 2024

    .

  • [Deleted User]WriterGF (deleted user)

    I would say referring to the community as potentially fostering sexual abuse is controversial (and I'm not saying whether I agree with that point or not). But there really is no point in debating the OP's legitimacy, since neither one of us knows the answer. Only the OP does.

  • SBGSBG

    Well, then that is the center of the conversation, isn't it? Does the CC community unintentionally foster sexual abuse?

    IMO, there are about as many guardrails as there can be in a free and public community. CC isn't a company with employees (is it?), it's a site with users who basically self police. The guardrails are community expectations, report and block features, and a lot of heavy lifting by site moderators. We collectively decide to ban bad actors. We try to make it as safe as possible. We decide what kind of community we want to be.

    But it is still true that this is fundamentally a site that enables strangers to meet up to touch one another. I don't think there's any getting around the fact that that is going to be fairly to heavily problematic. There will always be people who will try to take advantage.

    Maybe the question is, how can we make it safer? How can we assure the people that need touch the most can do so with the highest level of confidence?

    It at the very least starts by being welcoming of new people. Regardless if you believe that they're new or not. Because no one owes you an explanation.

  • achetocuddleachetocuddle

    I am also confused @WriterGF.

  • MorpheusMorpheus
    edited May 2024

    Anyone ever see the movie, Slam? There’s a scene where these guys are in prison and this guy is about to get killed but before they kill him, he stars reciting poetry. Everyone stops and listens to his poem and when he’s done, he just walks away. He guys that were going to kill him just stand there looking at each other and no one has any idea what to do. They all look confused and just walk away.

    I feel like that’s what just happened in this thread.

  • NayNay13NayNay13

    I love cuddling and was shocked to find that I can cuddle people and get paid, etc... I did my first ever session and left thinking wtf... I thought cuddling was, non sexual, and just cuddling/hugging... relaxing with music or a movie or a show... but instead It wasn't that... not I have to have rules and boundaries... So far, some of the people I have talked to have legit told me that they need skin to skin because they are sensual and need to be touched everywhere, including my beasts... absolutely not... That's not cuddling... so, now idk how to move forward with sessions...

  • MorpheusMorpheus

    Sorry if I’m out of place posting another video but this is what I see in my head whenever a member on the board makes a comment defending another member. Also, this is one of the best scenes in the LOTR movies. Just saying.

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