Because they think it means sex Even though I've told them that cuddle ≠ sex. That you can cuddle and it is platonic.
Anyone else?
@Ssquared Depends what guy. I have a friend and it’s platonic cuddling. Hopefully you’ll find some more on here that keep it platonic.
I consider most of the people I've cuddled from the site friends, and the intent and context is platonic .
I have a few male friends that I cuddle with. One of my friends has me over at his place now and again for horror movie snuggles. We will pick a scary movie (hopefully scary lol), grab some snackies and blankies and snuggle in. It’s nice to just lean against someone I’m close with and get all the caresses and feather touching. I’m so used to being the giver 😂😂 and my hubby and I have something we do every night called TikTok snuggies.
It's kind of complicated, I think. I find a lot of people don't know cuddling is a thing. I think unless they study a little on the concept of platonic cuddling, at the very least, it's awkward. If they're willing to look into it first, it may work out. I had a friend who was curious, so I shared some info with her, and she was willing, but only after she had studied about it. Another friend, a much older lady used to let me put an arm around her and stroke her back, while we sat on a bench waiting for our rides. I'll never forget what she said to me. "You do such nice things. I wonder what your wife would think though?" Once she met Michelle, everything was fine. Sorry for the long winded comment, but I guess I'm saying that cuddling a friend can work if there's good communication and good understanding about what's involved.
A lot of people just don’t know that cuddling is a thing, but fear not, at least some of us on here know it means platonic.
@hifigeorge I second this. I feel like for some people, cuddling may only mean a certain thing to them. A person's background and experience with cuddling and physical touch can be unique to them. If they aren't getting those needs met in a relationship that they're in, haven't had any physical touch in general, or are just truly new to the world of platonic cuddling. Whatever the case is, I think it's important to have full transparency and communicate along the way to avoid any misunderstandings, or unrealistic expectations.
Because it's normal to be dysfunctional in your relationship expectations nowadays. People grow up watching dysfunction, then go out into the world and develop dysfunctional relationships with other people who see it all as normal and the cycle continues. I'd like to blame it on men, but women play a role in the situation as well. What I shoot for is that 10% of the population that got the kind of nurturing, caring, loving functional upbringing that would lend itself to being able to find comfort and contentment with something like a casual cuddle with another person and not think twice about it going anywhere. Not being able to just cuddle in a sign that someone is screwed up.
I understand it is difficult to find a friend that won't make the leap to thinking it is something more. This site is how hope to mitigate that issue. I'm new but the point of this site (as I see it) is to have boundaries well established and have a meaningful interaction without misinterpretation.
I think the problem is that in our society, there is a general mentality that touch, especially intimate touch, has to be romantic and sexual. Not everyone thinks this, of course, it’s just a general vibe. And as a whole I think men tend to view it this way more than women do.
So unfortunately, a number of men have trouble with the idea of “platonic cuddling”, because they associate cuddling with sex.
I think that’s a big reason why women cuddle with women much more often than men cuddle with men. I also think it’s why many men are touch deprived.
https://www.drcuddlesla.com/blog/touch-starvation-among-men-an-unspoken-crisis
Then there is the sexualization of touch in society, where touch is easily misinterpreted to be a sexual advance and men are the predators. To prove that they are not making any sexual advances, men avoid touch altogether. Homophobia also prevents men from touching each other. It is very normal for women to touch each other multiple times during a conversation, but for men, the wrong type of touch could be seen as an indication that they might be gay, and so to avoid being labeled gay, men don’t touch each other.
But I heard one pro cuddler say that there is a much bigger issue first, and that is that people (particularly men) have a problem respecting touch boundaries in general. It sounds like that’s pretty prevalent from people’s experiences on this site.
Until we get that right, we can’t move to make people feel more comfortable receiving touch in general. No one should ever be touched by anyone in a way they’re not comfortable with. But I think that if everyone was confident everyone would respect their touch boundaries, they would be more open to asking for and getting the kind of touch they are comfortable with.
I really enjoy the discussion here. And what people do. I agree that this site helps me to find cuddlers that know it will be platonic. No awkward.
I’ve been told by several women that they would never curl up with a guy or get into bed with him, if she wasn’t interested in sleeping with him.
I’m here because I don’t feel that way, but I suspect multiple others have received similar messages.
@Snuggleupagains That mentality certainly isn't how chicks on this site work, or how I, personally, work. 😊
I can't say how I would be with male friends though, because before joining the cuddle community, I had only ever cuddled boyfriends. The opportunity to cuddle male friends never arose, so I'm not sure how I would have reacted.
My answer before may have been different than my "liberated" answer, now. 🤔 If so, it wouldn't have hinged on sexual desire, but on shyness.
~ Sunset Snuggles
🦄 Enthusiast 🏞 Travel Fiend 🐘 Animal Lover
I wouldn't ask a female friend to cuddle, because I would be afraid they would think I was just using it as a way to initiate sex.
Man, I'll take "More Ways I Didn't Realize I Was Neurodivergent and Polyam/ENM" for $500, Alex 😅
I wasn't/am not touchy feely with most of my friends due to long history of touch trauma. That's not anything against my friends, it's entirely on me and my discomfort within my own skin and around other people for so long. But as for whether I would cuddle my masc friends vs femme friends and if I'd worry about them taking it the wrong way? Even back when I was a teen, not at all. I always was actually more comfortable around guys, probably because of the neurodivergence, and when I trusted them I trusted them. Had I been not traumatized back then, I can easily imagine cuddling them and us just talking while playing video games or watching movies without any weirdness. And come to think of it, I did actually cuddle with my male best friend in middle school a bit doing those activities, so there's that 🤷🏻♀️
And now? Well now most of my friends I interact with regularly are also ENM and so are used to communicating boundaries and consent regularly. Many of them are LGBTQ and several are asexual, so it's never a big deal to cuddle with anyone of any gender. It's regular at any get-together for people to just kinda lounge and end up cuddling in some fashion. It's also one of the benefits of having a large extended polycule as my chosen family - we're all so comfortable with each other and know we can trust each other to speak up that everything is assumed to be platonic until or unless there is concrete consent.
Like, I wasn't even raised uber liberal to have these views or anything - I found them as an adult and they fit what I had always felt internally. Neurotypical social rules just often don't make sense to me 🙃
I was in my mid 20s when I became fully comfortable cuddling my friends. For a long time I didn't think cuddles could be platonic. I was afraid to cuddle my female friends once I became comfortable with platonic cuddling because I thought they'd think I wanted more. My friends now are very different. We're all LARPers, neurodivergent, and poly/ENM. So cuddle puddles happen a lot now. Honestly, my life changed a lot when I found LARP. I'm really thankful for that ^w^
I think if these guys are truly friends you'd be able to explain what you need and mean when you say cuddle. Maybe after explanation but after a conversation they will get it. But that may depend on the state of the friendship. Even friends that might hopefully wish sex was on the menu shouldn't violate a friend in that way. But if in discussion and reflection you might ask yourself why do i count these guys as friends if they don't allow you friendly respect. But here i think you'll feel Ms strangers that will respect you enough to respect your desire to cuddle even if they secretly hope for sex. But I'm pretty sure it's not a 100% assessment, but there here along with the ones that just want to cuddle. Good luck.
May the hugs forever be in your favor.
@Ssquared
Because they think it means sex
For them, it does. And since they're not on a cuddle site, that's fine.
Even though I've told them that cuddle ≠ sex.
That you can cuddle and it is platonic. They're not interested in platonic cuddling btwn adults. And since they're not on a cuddle site, that's fine. Otherwise, YOU are pressuring them to do something they aren't comfortable with. Your friends are allowed their preferences and beliefs and boundaries, since they aren't on this site. Being enlightened doesn't mean you can bully people for what YOU want. Your male friends are not interested in cuddling with you, so you need to stop pushing their boundaries and drop it.
@starrynitecuds I see what you're getting at and I understand your point of view. But it doesn't sound like Ssquared is pressuring their friends. It sounds to me like they are trying to express that they are a bit sad their friends aren't platonic cuddlers and nothing else. From what I've read, they are respecting the decision made by their friends and are just expressing how they currently feel. I don't believe anyone should ever feel bad for expressing themselves.
@starrynitecuds jeez… lol that was a little too intense yea? Is the pressuring and bullying in the room with us? In her tiny little paragraph, where did you read her forcing them to bend to her will? She’s merely expressing her feelings in WISHING she could have male friends that wanted to platonically cuddle. Nowhere in what she said did I read “I’m trying to tell them over and over to make them understand. And I’m telling them they have to cuddle me platonically whether they want it or not”…
Read the room….
There are friends who I wouldn't want to cuddle with , simply because we don't have that kind of connection and cuddling isn't something they are or would ever be interested in anyway . I like cuddling and this site is a great outlet for that . However this is a bubble ,and I don't expect anybody I'm friends with outside of this bubble to be interested in or even familiar with the concept of platonic cuddling . I'm sorry that you are having a hard time making friends who want to cuddle , or approaching cuddling with current friends . I think people in general are not familiar with or comfortable with the concept of cuddling folks outside of romantic relationships , both women as well as men . I hope that you are able to find an outlet for that. Try to not take it personally . People often have to want a thing and seek out that thing . They don't necessarily get into a thing because someone showed them a thing without pre existing interest in that thing . This thing just happens to be platonic cuddling . Good luck .
@pmvines makes a really good point about the “cuddle bubble”. Almost every single person I’ve talked to in my life finds the idea of platonic cuddling weird, foreign or they just don’t get the idea. They pretty much all only view cuddling as something done with a romantic partner. I don’t think most people view something so intimate as something you do in a friendship.
Some people outside of this site have different definitions. But you can be up front say only platonic cuddling and if the other person understands the intention that should ease the searching.
At some point, probably most of us never considered cuddling outside of romantic/sexual relations as adults because that's just not what our society at large teaches. We had to learn somewhere, from someone, that platonic cuddling was "a thing" and then eventually find our way into the community.
Any one of us can be that gateway person for others. But telling people "you should try this" isn't the most effective way to convince them, especially if they are resistant to the idea. What is far more effective in advocacy work is educating and sharing personal experiences - tell people about why you enjoy it so much, share stories, and share information to destigmatize the concept overall. Doing things like making sure to define "platonic" as "non-romantic, non-sexual" helps. Share articles to blog posts and videos - just be careful in which ones you share. There's some good ones linked in the FAQ on the forums here as a starting point.
And mostly just share because you're enthusiastic about cuddling, not because you're trying to convert them. Think about how people talk about any topic they are passionate about - how they light up, get more expressive, and how infectious that can be. That sort of passion can lead people to think "hmm, maybe I should look into this myself" without you ever having to tell them to.
Compare that natural building of curiosity to times people have pestered you to do something you have no interest in, especially if they use the word "should". It creates a natural resistance to where we absolutely do not want to do that thing.
Hard to undo so much conditioning…
@Sheena123 Thank you for showing the double standards here. If a guy had posted that, he would be verbally annihilated here for pushing boundaries and being unsafe. "No means no." Nobody here has lectured her that she should be willing to cuddle other women (she doesn't know) or even to pay a pro. Just a few more double standards.
@starrynitecuds I’m sorry but I don’t see the double standard here. I’m seeing her saying she wished she could platonically cuddle her male friends. The end. If it was a guy saying “I wish I could cuddle my female friends platonically”, I would feel exactly the same way. My post was basically mentioning how you just went in for the kill and made an assumption on their part saying, and I quote
“ YOU are pressuring them to do something they aren't comfortable with.” “ Being enlightened doesn't mean you can bully people for what YOU want. Your male friends are not interested in cuddling with you, so you need to stop pushing their boundaries and drop it.”
My post was merely pointing out that they werent pressuring anybody and they weren’t bullying anyone. So where’s this double standard based on my previous post responding to yours?
@starrynitecuds what double standard? Where did OP state they tried repeatedly? Where did OP say they didn't take no for an answer?
Wow this is really interesting thread! As a female who was molested by my stepfather, the whole idea of platonic cuddling is a God send. It's helped me establish boundaries that I didn't even recognize were missing and changed my viewpoint on touch overall. Whatever the reasons that we have all ended up here, I am glad to have found the cuddling community!!
Outside of a cuddle site, you'll find mostly guys only interested in sex. There is so many of them that they leak into here. So many people are banned daily for being here for the wrong reasons.
It’s definitely possible to get good cuddles from male friends. I’ve done it plenty of times before. I guess it’s just about setting proper boundaries and clear communication. It can still be tricky even then! If your friends respect you and are willing to listen to your perspective it definitely helps. Many people that I’ve talked to don’t seem to be familiar with the concept of platonic cuddling or touch therapy. Also, some people aren’t that “touchy feely” unless it’s with their significant other. I hope it works out for you!