@Will564 VERY good explanation of why "fixing" it or advice isn't always wanted! So how do you identify which kind of conversation you want to have? With "I'm not looking for advice here" or "this is a conversation where I need emotional support, not a solution"?
For me, unasked-for advice almost always feels dismissive. Like, let me fix this so I don't have to hear about it again. Here, I solved it, now shut up about it please. It's an end to a conversation, not a continuation. I need time to process things too, and sometimes it's helpful to do it with someone else without them throwing more wrenches in.
But I understand that it's hard not to give advice, if something occurs to me that I think will help. Things always seems so much "clearer" when it's not me in the situation. 😆 But it's always true that I don't know everything.
@SBG
So how do you identify which kind of conversation you want to have? With "I'm not looking for advice here" or "this is a conversation where I need emotional support, not a solution"?
It's a very good question that has a lot of different factors and details for me personally.
The times when I just want to vent and solve something on my own tend to be times when I've thought about a lot of different solutions and all of them have their issues. But, I may know the person I'm talking to and know what kinds of solutions work for them, and know that certain ones are much easier for them than they are for me. So I don't want to hear their advice, because it feels like they're going to think, "this is such an obvious solution, why is it so hard for you?" or if I know they're going to offer solutions that aren't right for me.
The other thing is if I really just feel like the problem is so big that there is no viable solution, and I just want to let out frustration about that. It's nice to just have someone say, "Yeah, that really sucks", and just be there to support you in the pain or frustration. Just having someone by your side makes dealing with the problem easier...it's like it eases the pain or gives you something nice to balance out the frustration of the issue.
But...if it's something where I feel like "I think there's a solution to this, I just don't know what it is." Or, if I know someone has a lot of experience or expertise in an area, and I think they'll have some good ideas...THEN I'll like asking them for advice. Basically, when I feel pretty confident that they'll give me good advice that I couldn't think of on my own.
And sometimes that's based on timing. Maybe I when I first have a problem come up, it stresses me out. I know that eventually I'll come up with the right solution for me, but it will take time. In the mean time, I want to ease the stress some, and just need someone to help me with that emotional part....but I don't want their help in finding the solution to the problem because I have confidence that I'll get to it on my own time.
Sometimes it's because a solution is difficult, and I just need time to get myself ready for it.
But...there are other times when I've already had plenty of time to process the problem, and I still don't have a solution and I'm stuck. Then I'll be ready to look for an outside source.
This is one of those things that is very dependent upon the person for me. If I feel like the person doesn't care about me, then I feel the same way you do. That they think my problem is unimportant and they just don't want to hear me talk about it any more. Especially if I feel like they're a particularly impatient person.
However, as I've gotten older, more and more I've tried to understand how other people are different than me and I try to understand where they're coming from. And as much as I can, I try to give them the benefit of the doubt, because I generally believe most people have good intentions and trying to help.
So a lot of times when someone cares about me, they're offering advice because they're trying to help me and relieve the pain I'm in. They might even hate seeing me in pain so much that their first thought is to relieve that pain by solving my problem as quickly as possible.
Also, some people like to solve ALL problems as soon as possible because they feel like it makes everyone's lives better. They do this with their own and with everyone they know. It's not a personal thing with me.
It is frustrating when they lack empathy of understanding that not everyone operates in the same way they do, and it can be hurtful to think that they think I'm being stupid or illogical for not thinking the way they do. It can be hard for them not to understand what my experience is like and treat me like my experience is the same as theirs. However, it also is kind of unfair for me to expect them to read my mind and understand my experience without me explaining that to them as well.
And of course, even after I explain it, they can't always understand it!
Like with so many things, it comes down to understanding, trust, communication and empathy. It's always good to try to understand someone else and where they're coming from, and when appropriate to put ourselves in their shoes to understand them. The more we all do that the better it ends up being for all of us.
So a lot of times when someone cares about me, they're offering advice because they're trying to help me and relieve the pain I'm in. They might even hate seeing me in pain so much that their first thought is to relieve that pain by solving my problem as quickly as possible. Also, some people like to solve ALL problems as soon as possible because they feel like it makes everyone's lives better. They do this with their own and with everyone they know. It's not a personal thing with me.
This is good insight 👍 Tho I struggle with the, "I love you let me tell you what to do" dynamic. (Probably because I do that with other people.)
Your comments make me think of the quote "Shared Joy is double joy. Shared sorrow is half sorrow." It's too hard to carry everything alone.
I've mentioned it in other threads/topics, @SBG & @Will564 , but stating your needs/boundaries/intent for a conversation also is really helpful for us neurodivergent folks.
"I just need to vent, no advice needed."
"What do you think? Any non-medical advice you can give?"
"I'm feeling really vulnerable right now and just want to be heard. Please no relatable-stories or tangents, thanks."
Exactly! To me, it's all about connection. To some degree or another, all of us as human have a desire to connect with others, which makes the highs higher and the lows more bearable.
@cuddlefaery
Totally. Establishing those clear communication agreements is so helpful.
That's the one where I have the most personal struggles. Hearing that at the beginning of a convo would be helpful for me in a situation like that.
The tangents issue usually isn't as big of a deal one on one. But in group convos, almost every long conversation I've seen eventually goes off on tangents...just like we're currently going on in this thread!
But....the no-relatable stories one is the one that I really struggle with. I think it's because for me, in any conversation that's my way of connecting and showing understanding. When I tell a relatable story, it's my way of telling the other person, "I understand what you're saying and where you're coming from because this situation of mine is different than yours but I connect with you because I felt the same thing." It's my way of giving them proof that I "get" them to make them feel better.
Because when I listen and I don't have anything to say, my mind feels like it alienates them because they don't feel understood, and it makes me feel like I'm not the right person for them to talk to.
But that's why it's so important for me to understand that the other person may not feel this way at all. They may feel like my own relatable story is taking away from theirs and that I DID NOT listen to them or understand them, or that it's detracting from their experience. Or maybe they feel like there's no way I could fully understand what they're feeling (which I very well may not) and that I'm assuming that I can with my story. And maybe they just want to be able to express those feelings and just have someone on their side to support them WITHOUT feeling the need to understand.
It goes back to what we mentioned before about understand each others' intentions and knowing we care about each other, which can be misunderstood without the proper communication. So that's why establishing these agreements on communication is so incredibly helpful.
@Will564 yeah, I very much struggle with the relatable stories as a means to actively demonstrate empathy and comprehension. It's a very common ADHD/ASD trait, but apparently to a lot of neurotypical folks it can sound like we're either trying to make the conversation about us or trying to "one-up". Getting into social conflicts over this for 3 decades prior to my diagnosis really didn't help my social anxiety
And tangents....well, I enjoy them, trip along them often and happily, but I'm also pretty good at managing to (eventually) circle back around to the original topic. I can understand, though, why some feel they are a distraction/waste of time and/or get lost along the way. I don't blame them, with my brain going 20 directions at 100mps 😅
Speaking of tangents -
One of the most prominent ADHD researchers compares having ADHD to having a souped up racecar for a brain instead of any other everyday car - incredibly fast and flashy, hard to control, a lot of maintenance, hitting the brakes too fast causes a massive crash, but man is it a fun ride! Lol. But also, you wouldn't choose to use a racecar as your everyday commuter - it's entirely too inefficient and a waste of it's talents. And yet, that's what ADHD folks do every day, trying to function in a world built for sedans/SUVs/pickups 🤣🤷🏻♀️
I just had a dude on tiktok challenge me to a fistfight because I told him not to call women he doesn't know "little lady." This dude calls himself an "alpha." There is nothing more fragile than a self-identified alpha. 🤣🤣🤣🤣. I can't stop laughing. And men still don't understand why women choose bear. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Ask a man if he'd rather cuddle a bear or a man and he may say bear too lol
@coregulate 😆😆😆
Personally I would love for this to be "Werewolf VS Man" type of question/discussion, but then my comments would be TOO inappropriate for Cuddle Comfort. 😁😉
So yeah, this is good...This is good!👍
@coregulate welocome back angry girl How are you? Yea I'd cuddle the bear. I'm bi sexual with animals
@Sooson But...But the Bear will kill you, you silly MAN you!😜😆
@Sooson Lol! For you, welcome aboard.😁🐻
😄😄😄
@natickben anyone who still uses that stupid long-debunked wolf hierarchy crap terminology is an automatic red flag in my book.
I guess that would depend upon, if the bear was asking for a bear hug or bear dinner. I am all about bear hugs and think I would make a terrible bear dinner. 🐻 ❤️
@Minestrone101 ok, that one made me spit laughing 🤣
@cuddlefaery This one will make you feel old. lol
@Minestrone101 no, these do:
ROFLcopter - 23 years old
It's A Trap! - about 24 years old
Hamster Dance - about 25 years old
All Your Base Are Belong To Us - about 26 years old
The original memes from my early days on the net 🤣
@cuddlefaery Thanks. Now I feel old.
Or perhaps I should say
Thx. Nao I feelz old.
@cuddlefaery I love being old(er). I already fought most of my fights.
I was reading a novel the other day in which a hitchhiking woman is told very firmly by a male character that she should only accept rides from other women, for safety reasons. It was written in 1949.
@Katota thank you!!! I was gonna take a break but people signed a petition wanting me back so... hugs
I choose ManBearPig. Half man, half bear, half pig
@OverTheMooon a hig? sorry to break it to you, but that'd be 1/3.
This didn’t happen to me but I have plenty of my own experiences and I’m a masculine presenting gay women. A bear might kill you. ONCE. A man can abuse you for years.
Just because someone is pointing out bad behavior predominantly by men, it doesn’t mean they hate those men nor all men. It just means they want those men to do better, and the others to stand up against that behavior as well. When you take it personally and get butthurt you are deflecting and refuse to acknowledge the issue. And thank goodness cause that’s the best red flag.
A brief interlude here for me talk about the 'I'm not a spy' paradox. I've read way too much John le Carre, and one thing that always struck me was, a spy would never tell you they were a spy. You can ask, but the answer will always be the same. 'I'm not a spy', they would say. But if a person just comes out and says 'I'm a spy', they are defiantly not a spy, because a real spy would never ever tell you they were.
Let's extrapolate this theory to this arena. A bad guy would never tell you he was a bad guy. He might say he was a good guy. He might say nothing.
There's a scene in the third Equalizer film, where someone asks Robert, 'Are you a good man?' To which he replies, 'I don't know'. Later the two characters have a conversation about it and the character tells Robert, 'That's what a good man would say.'
Life is chaos. By the way: I'm defiantly not a spy.
@Sooson Lol! A petition, eh?😆😆😆
What about a man that’s almost as big as or resemble a bear? Jk
🍿 oh myyy. I have so much to say on this topic because I've been abused by many men and it has made me very cautious. Buttttt I'll refrain from the dirty deets. The world we live in isn't made for a single woman. Everything I do I have to be extra careful because I have 4 kids. Yes I'm obviously more scared of man than wildlife. It's the hard truth, but so true for many women. Same reason grown mature men with daughters understand the assignment and make sure they are present when their daughter brings home the prom date. He knows good well what many guys intentions are so hes ready to set the fear in this young man that's taking his daughter out.