Long post...would seeing a Pro Cuddler benefit me?

White_KnightWhite_Knight
in General

So what do I want from a cuddler?

Someone to hang out with (and ONLY hang out with – I’m NOT here for a date or sex), just someone to talk with about stuff that’s bothering me. If I get emotional they can put their arm around my shoulder to reassure me or rub my forearms. I like when women rub my forearms or hold my upper arms – the part between the shoulder and elbow (bicep I guess? Heh), and they do that thing where their hand and fingers are resting but then they compassionately rub back and forth with their thumb. It’s hard to describe specific types of cuddle gestures, haha. But I think you kind of visualize the type of gesture I’m trying to describe. Anyway, it’s a very maternal and grounding sort of touch for me.

Those types of touches help me relax and feel really loved and care for. It lets me know that I’m not worthless and that its okay to just pause, be silent, feel, and experience whatever’s going on internally. To just let the experience happen and let it pass on its own rather trying to suppress it. That I don’t have to just “suck it up” so everyone can get on with their lives instead of being burdened by me. I was raised to be, and very much am, gentlemanly and compassionate towards others. As a result it’s really hard for me to worry about myself without feeling any kind of guilt. I’m not comfortable just being “ME”. I don’t even know who that person is really.

Almost all my friends went out of state for college and got jobs elsewhere. I’m not making any friends in college right now myself. Because after we all get certified (aviation mechanic), you have to kind of go where the work is. So I mean, I’m not going to see these guys again or keep in touch. So why bother making friends in the first place, right? It know it may sound mean or dismissive but why bother with something that’s only temporary?

I wish to God I knew how to deal with stuff like this but I just don’t know how to get out. I don’t know if its depression or lingering childhood PTSD – don’t worry I wasn’t molested or anything. But what happened (7th grade, playground fight, strip search without probable cause – weapons weren’t even involved) the trauma has definitely left me with negative views surrounding sexuality. Any sexual or even sensual touch feels incredibly invasive – hence why I’m still a virgin at 29. Being a virgin doesn’t really bother me, but it does bother me that I’ll never be able to fulfill that for a girlfriend or wife. I also have trust issues, less than average confidence and self-esteem, a bit of self-hatred and worthlessness, and I tend to judge myself rather harshly. Anyway so yeah, I’ve got a lot going on baggage-wise. Not looking for sympathy or anything (save that for the real victims), just putting my trauma out there and getting it off my chest.

So basically what I’m looking for in a cuddler is someone to discuss stuff with and let me cry on their shoulder if and when emotions or triggers come up. Basically just talk to and who can hold space for me (Google it if you don’t know what the term means). Unfortunately you can’t cuddle with your therapist so I came here instead.

So do y’all (yes I’m Texan). Do y’all think I would benefit from seeing a Pro Cuddler? I know I need a therapist; that much is clear. I’m thinking of contacting the therapist I used to see for OCD, see if he can help me. It’s just embarrassing admitting all this stuff to another guy. Cause guys don’t usually talk about their feelings that much other than ‘Ah, damn. That’s horrible. Sorry to hear that, bro.’ Women counselors are more understanding, but they can also be more judging (not out loud of course) or some of them disconnect and treat it like a puzzle rather than an actual person. But anyway, yeah. Hehe.

So do y’all think seeing a Pro Cuddler as sort of a supplemental to conventional therapy would benefit me or would it probably not make that much difference?

Comments

  • PinkLipstick22PinkLipstick22

    I think seeing a pro cuddler would help a lot, providing you found a good fit/talented cuddler. I was actually recommended to do more cuddling from a conventional therapist for different causes but similar symptoms as you describe.
    Obviously, we aren't technically trained in therapy (some might be but it's unrelated), but having that closeness is very healing and therapeutic in a different way.

    ****The above is my own personal opinion and not that of this site or pro cuddlers in general****

  • respectfulrespectful
    edited May 2018

    @White_Knight I think it would be potentially very beneficial to see a professional cuddler. There seem to be a couple near you.

    Reasons:

    -- you seem to get a lot out of touch, and you already know some things that you like. Professionals would actually appreciate that (a good idea of what you are looking for).

    -- you would like to talk and feel accepted. That definitely comes into it.

    -- you are aware that cuddling doesn't fix everything, and you are seeing it as a supplement to therapy rather than a replacement. That's a good attitude.

    Something to be aware of is that it's possible to get attached to someone you cuddle, which may or may not be a problem (e.g. if they leave the area, or if you developed unwanted romantic feelings). But you do sound like a pretty self aware kind of person.

    Maybe you could put some of the things you wrote here in your profile? People can be hesitant to contact people with an empty "About me" section.

  • unclebuckunclebuck

    Yes

  • pmvinespmvines

    This in no way minimizes my opinion of cuddling nor my respect and appreciation of paid cuddlers and non paid alike

    My opinion of subbing cuddling for therapy is one of someone who has been a therapist. For a therapist, there are certain boundaries that absolutely must be adhered to re therapeutic relationships, and one of those is affection. Reasons for this include but are not limited to the potential of giving a romantic impression, creating emotional dependency, blurring lines of therapist/client role, possibility of being a trauma trigger, among other things. Something to consider too is that if someone is very depressed, needy, and desperate, and someone is willing to cuddle them for a fee, then they are likely to latch on to that person and will think their relationship is something other than what it is. That can be devastating to the person when things do not go the way they expect it to. It happens often with therapists, it is called transference, and that is without physical affection. imagine how conflicting it can be when you throw close intimate cuddling into the mix.

    I sometimes hear cuddling and therapy being lumped into the same category. I think this can be dangerous, especially when the person is not emotionally or psychologically stable. I feel cuddling plays a big role in enhancing and improving a persons well being. I advise to just please be informed and be responsible about it. And to reiterate, this has nothing to do with my opinion of cuddlers, I love you all!!!

  • [Deleted User]DragonLady_J (deleted user)

    Yes. Unequivocally yes. Though I feel it is a complementary activity to other healthcare (mental & physical) activities -- i.e. not a replacement.

    Like you could go for a massage if your back hurts... but if it continues to hurt for an extended period of time, you should see a doctor too.

    Same goes for mental health... if you are seeing symptoms of depression (fatigue, lethargy, sadness, not enjoying things you used to) for an extended period of time (i.e. 2 - 3 weeks) -- go see the doc. Brain is just like any other organ.

  • White_KnightWhite_Knight
    edited May 2018

    @ pmvines:

    Firstly, I am DEFINITELY NOT subbing cuddling for therapy. But yes, transference! I couldn't think of the word for it. And yeah, that can very easily happen with patients and their counselors (or cuddlers) depending on what the patient is dealing with.

    But no, I prefer to think of cuddling as a tool or a fun distraction from things - not a cure or even a treatment. My thinking is more along the lines of seeing an actual certified licensed counselor for my baggage. Cuddling would be more like a cool and caring friend you hang out with occasionally.

  • pmvinespmvines

    @White_Knight I am glad to see that you have that insight then. You seem to not have unrealistic expectations of the situation, and realize it is not a cure nor the only modality available for you. Good luck in whatever path this journey takes you.

  • UKGuyUKGuy
    edited May 2018

    In my un-professional opinion, you need a therapist, not a cuddler. A cuddle session now and again might help elevate your mood temporarily, but it sounds like you have underlying issues that a professional therapist would be better able to help you with.

  • ubergigglefritzubergigglefritz

    I agree with those saying doing both therapy and cuddling could be beneficial in combination, provided you find a GOOD cuddler.

  • [Deleted User]ivlegend (deleted user)

    Cuddling will help to more deeper extent:) hope u feel better

  • warmlyhelenawarmlyhelena

    I think you've already gotten great answers. I just wanted to add, thank you for sharing all of this. I'm sorry for what you've experienced, and hope that you can find what you need to feel happy and fulfilled.❤️

  • happybearhappybear

    I think that your reaching out for help from many angles is great. Before jumping into cuddling, i think therapy and, a support group by others that are Dealing with similar issues(Ptsd,depression,OCD),
    Will be more beneficial.
    A pro cuddler is not trained, unless. Its their profession. Glad you advocating for yourself, find mental health professionals first.

  • RainbowZebraSamRainbowZebraSam
    edited May 2018

    I think a professional cuddler could be very helpful in your situation. If possible, I'd also recommend rotating through several people, to avoid getting overly attached or developing feelings for any particular individual. I hope you can find a way to meet your needs and heal! If you need to heal from trauma, I would also recommend finding a trauma-informed therapist (many therapists are not experts in this area and may not be able to help much). Therapies like somatic experiencing, EFT tapping, EMDR and neurofeedback generally seem to be the most effective for people with PTSD.

    This post on Reddit also has some great tips and ideas for healing from trauma: What I've learned that WORKS! My 10 year guide to recovery. Developmental trauma and PTSD tips for recovery

  • cuddlerforu24cuddlerforu24

    white knight ... I would not restrict yourself to pro cuddlers . You could include plain enthusiasts in your search for some hugs and or cuddle .

  • ubergigglefritzubergigglefritz

    I think it's a lot riskier to use an enthusiast if you're needing any kind of therapy from the cuddling. Enthusiasts or parties are better for people only seeking cuddling for relaxation or rejuvenation, etc... Jmo

  • ChocolatetreatChocolatetreat

    No point in getting a pro cuddler there are great females on this site that will cuddle with you because they like doing it. and for free.

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