This is a Forum on a Cuddle Site

Many of the people who come to this site are missing something in their lives. For some, this lack comes with associated pain. Unless we know one another, we have no idea of the nature of the pain someone else is experiencing.

This is designed to be a safe place, but there are almost constant flags of posts where people are throwing verbal punches at each other.

Writing a post does not obligate anyone to hit the "post" button. Before doing so, ask yourself if your words are designed to uplift the community and its members, or if they are designed to lift yourself at the expense of others. We aren't in a competition here.

I believe that I speak for all the moderators when I say that none of us take pleasure in editing venomous posts, or issuing timeouts.

We are all adults, and we have it in our power to be kind to one another. Let's lean into that power, and experience the beauty that can come as a result.

Somewhere, years ago, I saw a comic where the character was spurred into action by virtue of the fact that "someone was wrong on the internet." This character made it his mission to try to fix it.

There will always be someone wrong on the internet. (Sometimes it's me.) It's not our job to correct that, and it's not a burden that any of us need to take upon ourselves.

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Comments

  • edited July 2024

    Hey I do comics (the single image punchline thing) give me a subject, we can create something that could add humor, diffuse issues, that kind of thing.

  • edited July 2024

    100% agreed.

    There's a place for vigorous discourse and fact finding. And there's a place for compassionate understanding and the wisdom of a deeper truth.

    I would guess, but I could be wrong, that many of us came here to find the latter.

    Maybe I'm wrong, and people can come here for whatever reason they want as long as it's in line with TOS. But I almost feel like if you wouldn't say it face to face while cuddling, maybe think twice before saying it here. Again, these are my wishes. Not everyone's.

  • @JoyfulHeart

    Writing a post does not obligate anyone to hit the "post" button. Before doing so, ask yourself if your words are designed to uplift the community and its members, or if they are designed to lift yourself at the expense of others. We aren't in a competition here.

    Should the flagger also ask themselves questions before they flag a post?

  • @Sooson I think that is a good idea too.

    In the same way, we who are moderators should pause before we take action on flags, and we do. We don't act on all of them, because we don't want to be heavy-handed, and we are aiming for best possible outcomes.

    Although we don't act publicly on all reports, most reports have some degree of merit, and tell us things that it is good to know.

    That said, there is nothing in the terms and conditions against being kind to everyone, and those who are, seldom get flagged.

  • edited July 2024

    @JoyfulHeart
    Can I ask how an infraction is audited? Is there a place where deleted things go (this in no way is aimed at any events known or unknown)

    If this dips into administrative territory I apologize and understand. As I've stated before you have my trust and respect.

  • I should probably stay off of the forums for a while...if anybody notices, I'm giving myself a time out.

    Hope everyone is doing well

  • @JoyfulHeart

    You’ve been here just about as long as I have. I don’t remember if you have always been active on the boards. There have always been arguments and or passionate conversations, whatever you would like to call them. I think things have progressively been better but lately, things are trending downward. What I’ve never quite understood is the disparity in treatment from site leadership. It’s always seemed to me that females especially female pros are given free reign to do and say whatever they please with little repercussion. I’ve had multiple other members message me privately saying exactly this. I agree with the sentiment of your post but people should be treated equally and from what I see, they are not.

  • @Morpheus

    I make an honest effort to be equitable. I'm not going to pretend that I always get it right. With that in mind, I am willing to be respectfully challenged in my DMs.

    I know that the other moderators also do their best.

    In regard to your comment about trends, I agree that there have been better times and worse times.

    I've been active more at some times than at others, and as one of the newer moderators (I started in September of 2023) I have observing more than I post, and trying to learn from those who have been at it longer than I have.

    My personal preference in addressing issues is to take the smallest effective action that I can. Again, I recognize that I may not hit that target 100% of the time.

    Thank you for the comments.

  • @Morpheus I actually feel the opposite, that female pros are muzzled while male clients are empowered to speak their minds. The most obvious difference is that female pros are insta-banned for engaging in anything non-platonic on other sites, while clients (as enthusiasts) can enjoy that all they want. (Of course if they show up here and claim platonic cuddling is impossible, they'll be rightly shown the door.)

  • @cde123

    Thank you for your comments. Moderators rely heavily on reports from community members, and if something goes unreported, we probably don't know about it. If something gets reported, we still have to support any action we take with evidence, so if you do report, providing that evidence is super helpful.

    There are some legal considerations that take effect when money changes hands, and that is the reason behind the rule about pros presence on certain other sites. I think it's been discussed on the forum before, so I won't go into it here.

  • if you wouldn't say it face to face... think twice before saying it here.

    Exactly.
    Agree. Disagree. Just keep it civil.

  • @JoyfulHeart Indeed, and to be clear, that's not an issue with moderation. I think you guys are all doing a great job being balanced on the forums and with flags/reports.

  • I totally agree with joyfulHeart's mod style - take the smallest action that is effective. Love that.

  • I agree. I've only flagged once. I had a wonderful blissful day of cuddles. When I read a comment (novel) on the forums on the same site that made said cuddle connection possible that's bad enough to make me think "Wow, really? I feel so bad for the person it was directed at I don't know whether to cry or throw up!" I can't even imagine how the other person felt, especially if they were having a bad day to begin with.

  • I know people get annoyed with me since it seems like I over moderate, but I think that is because whenever I handle a flag, I leave a note on the comment regardless if I skip or not so people don’t continue flagging the comment. So my presence is more visible when I am moderating, I think. (And just to clarify from another thread, dear reader, I am not the one flagging the comments that I leave a note on).

    In regards to pros being vocal on the forums, I am often less critical or just let another mod handle it. Pros do not have the luxury of being anonymous so I take more care with those grievances since I know it’s not some faceless troll.

  • @CharlieBear Noooo, you are very good. You explain things. Laying back until frustrations boil over is reactive rather than proactive, but when you explain why you reacted the way you did is a message to the entire board. That hasn’t been the case with all mods—it is inconsistent. You sir, are like a good referee, you have always been consistent.

  • Right now I wish there were "like" buttons.

  •     HUG O' WAR
    

    I will not play at tug o' war.
    I'd rather play at hug o' war,
    Where everyone hugs Instead of tugs, Where everyone giggles
    And rolls on the rug,
    Where everyone kisses.
    And everyone grins,
    And everyone cuddles.
    And everyone wins.

    -Shel Silverstein

  • "we are all adults"

    Sometimes that's the problem.

  • @Auroradream: Nice poem, very cute, I like it. 🙂

  • What I’ve never quite understood is the disparity in treatment from site leadership.

    When one side of an argument doesn't appear comparable to the other, it becomes uncomfortably easy to discipline one side over the other. It then only becomes natural for some to feel mistreated by the results. For that, I'm sorry. I don't like making anyone feel that way. I'm actually uncertain on mosts view of me as a moderator, unless they come right out and say it, but I am doing my best to be as unbias as I can be when I'm checking the forums. I accepted the moderator role to fend off predators from the site, but managing people(even after all these months) remains a crack in my armor. It's something I'm harder on myself about more than any mod critique could be.

    Though I'm only one mod, I can't help but feel responsible for some of the decline people have mentioned as of late. This is my first time checking the main forum in 4 days and I've likely missed quite a few flags since then. Admittedly, though all reports are mentally taxing in their own right, I tend to find site reports easier to handle than flags on public posts. Flags take time to catch up on context & consider the fairest solution. If I have a 15 minute break, I'm more likely to handle the report about someone seeking non platonic, or someone with with an innuendo in their username, than I am to check on a sea of flags. Many site reports I'd argue should take priority just in general.

    One thing that will never cease to be surreal to me, is when I ban 3 predators from the site, then come to read about how terrible of a job we're doing(both in threads & in the flags😅) but there is one thing that keeps going at this position. If I can keep sparing people from a bad encounter from the worst who creep their way onto the site, than I can keep taking mod critiques as they come.

    Overall, I agree with @JoyfulHeart approach to censorship. We're not police and shouldn't behave as such. Sometimes we get flags very much of the attitude "they/I was timed out for less", but is that really the mentality one wants a mod to enter a situation with? Especially if you feel the way the mod handled the last case was wrong? Why would we issue an action again that turned out to be the wrong call last time, or was an entirely different issue? The goal should always be growth, both as a community & from the mod team ourselves.

  • 😅
    Got so side tracked in my last comment, that I forgot the main topic. Ultimately, I agree that so many of us flock to this site as an escape, that many are looking for that sense of a safe space on the public forum too. Many complain that people here just want a hypeman and... to an extent, that might be true. There's enough debate over opinions in our daily lives, we catch enough crap in our personal lives, that it's not hard to see why someone would come to a place called Cuddle COMFORT hoping to find more support & validation, rather than criticism. In that regard, I think it is worth considering how something will be taken before hitting the "Post" button.

  • @Shake

    The goal should always be growth, both as a community & from the mod team ourselves.

    I agree with you.

  • [Deleted User]WriterGF (deleted user)

    JoyfulHeart makes the point that people come here because they are lacking something in their lives. Consider the possibility that something might be simple attention/acknowledgment of existence, and when you reach a certain point, negative attention becomes acceptable as attention. Everyone deals with their lack in different ways, and some people deal with it by starting fights, intentionally being disruptive, etc. Other people have been put down, oppressed, insulted for years and when it happens here, they finally boil over.

    Yes, people expect a forum on a cuddle site to be people singing Kumbaya, but it's a forum populated by humans with all the good and bad that entails. That's why when I see people suggest we shouldn't have mods, I shake my head. It's like the old saying goes, if people could govern themselves, there would be no need for a government.

  • @Shake

    I'm sorry you get so much blow back for doing us all a favor. One we are not charged for and you are not paid for.

    You said: One thing that will never cease to be surreal to me, is when I ban 3 predators from the site, then come to read about how terrible of a job we're doing

    I wonder if people saw a count or something telling us how many predators you are blocking, if they would feel differently. I have no idea how much you protect us from. I do appreciate it and I support the mods, even if you're not perfect.

    It's too bad that there are so many people who are so quick to attack when they get triggered. I've done it myself. I almost always fess up once I realize it. Most of the time, when you are triggered, the solution lies within yourself, not in trying to force the world to be different.

  • @WriterGF What an astute observation. I hadn’t considered that any energy might be good energy in the case of these forums. Thank you for the shift in perspective.

  • [Deleted User]WriterGF (deleted user)

    @CentralFLCuddle While this is a ridiculously extreme example not relevant to these forums, I read a book on stalking once. The stalker had done something pretty horrible and when he was caught, they asked him why. He said, "Now she will think of me every day."

    If you piss someone off with a post, especially enough to get them to respond, well, they're thinking about you. Not in a nice way, but they're thinking about you. If you lack the confidence people will pay attention to you because of your good qualities, you can always get them to do it by showcasing your bad ones, unfortunately.

  • @WriterGF Fantastic observation. The antidote, perhaps, is love. It reminds me of an amazing TED talk on inner city schools by Linda Cliatt-Wayman.

  • I’ve seen 3 outright attacks recently on the boards. Please remember people, this is a cuddle site, be nice.

  • @JoyfulHeart
    Was it this old gem? 😆

    ~ Sunset Snuggles

    🦄 Enthusiast 🏞 Travel Fiend 🐘 Animal Lover

    Happy summer vibes! 🐬 🎹

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