Feel untouchable

CuddlyKind7CuddlyKind7
in General

And not in a good way lol

Although I try to treat people with respect and kindness I don’t feel very liked. I try to put my finger on it and grasp it but it eludes me.

I’m either ignored or if I do meet a kind person, some pleasantries are exchanged and maybe even a phone number but then I’m left alone again lol

Perhaps I’m just boring. I grew alone and have been on my own for years. I have no friends. Maybe my social skill are not up to par but my soul just needs a hug…

Comments

  • sunnysideupsunnysideup

    If you just need to human touch reach out to a professional -

    If social skills are lacking got to work on developing the kind of personality people want to be around.

    And sometimes the issue is that there is nothing wrong with us, maybe we just aren’t putting ourselves out there enough - I don’t know your life story

    Best of luck

  • magpie17201magpie17201

    Go get a pro

  • CuddlyKind7CuddlyKind7

    I don’t think a pro would be fulfilling. I’d like a genuine friend and cuddle. Not one I paid for and is quickly forgotten about. That might get a little expensive anyway.

    I feel like I’m watching others human whilst I’m unable to human haha..

    It is what it is. My mother stopped hugging me from about 5. Maybe I’m just idolising something I’ve never really had. It’s all good.

    Not that deep…

  • atomicbearhugatomicbearhug

    I think maybe you’ve conditioned yourself to be in your own company. There’s no need to change who you are, but here’s some habits that help me make connections.

    1. Ask questions- everyone loves to talk about themselves. Everyone loves feeling like person they are talking to cares about who they are. Of course this should be reciprocated but sometimes when I feel anxious or don’t know what to say I’ll just shoot off 34 personal questions (especially follow up questions). My personal favorite is “What do you like best about yourself?”
    2. Find out what makes them laugh- when there’s someone who I really want to be friends with I just barrage them with jokes until they want me around all the time
    3. ASSUME YOU ARE ALREADY FRIENDS- This is a BIG ONE. If you treat everyone like you’ve been friends for five years, they will immediately feel comfortable with you. I think most people want to connect with everyone is waiting for someone else to make the first move. This one has legitimately changed my life.
  • CuddlyKind7CuddlyKind7

    @atomicbearhug that was very kind of you. Thanks for taking the time to drop some thoughtful advice.

    I feel I’m friendly and do those things. Then I question whether im being too familiar and upfront haha

    I may not have as many lighthearted interests to talk about. More serious things concern my brain so don’t really small talk about frivolous things.

    Need to watch some Netflix 😂

  • pmvinespmvines
    edited October 2024

    Sometimes socializing is like ripping off a bandaid, or eating a shit sandwich. It's not easy when it feels unnatural. I've had to compensate and often times over compensate against my instinct to isolate and stay in my turtle shell. Closing your eyes, counting to ten while you breathe deep and then just ripping the bandaid off or stuffing that sandwich of shit into your mouth has to be done sometimes, no other way around it.

    Real question. Do you feel that this impedes or impacts you in a bad way, or are you comfortable with your reality and just kinda venting right now? There are helpful self care interventions and useful things to learn, however some people are happy in their misery and don't necessarily want to change it.

    Either way, I hope you find what you need to be happy and much luck to you in your life journey .

  • Carrie_AnneCarrie_Anne
    edited October 2024

    @atomicbearhug
    Wow, your comment is amazing and put in such a way to make sense to anyone!
    At times when we’re down, we feel it’s all about us and why don’t others react to me in a way to give me what I need. But we all should reflect on how to give, and be a friend ourselves.
    OP seems to be really trying but not making progress. I understand how that feels.
    This approach makes sense!
    @CuddlyKind7 i hope the best for you and don’t give up 🤗

  • GuyverGordonGuyverGordon

    @pmvines the first paragraph is 100% me ... except I have to rip the bandaid before I reach 10 or it'll never happen ... or at least it won't happen then ...

  • IronicMaidenIronicMaiden

    Also, if you're neurodivergent, that can require additional sets of skills to communicate with other people. Autistic people are known for being blunt and saying what they mean, which tends to not go over well with people who always assume there's hidden meaning in what you say. And we don't pick up on the hidden meanings that other people put into their words. We also don't make eye contact (or overcompensate and stare), and have other differences in reactions that label us creepy.

    This is just one example of neurodivergence, the one I'm most familiar with and can put into words.

  • CuddlyKind7CuddlyKind7

    @pmvines I grew up with a bipolar mother. I felt quite alone growing up. She wasnt affectionate and rarely touched me in that way. I’ve always been shy as far as I can remember but it’s always been an initial shyness. Totally fine and the centre of attention once comfortable. The older I got and the more I suffered with things the confidence and spark just died out. I was popular and energetic then my mum kicked me out at 16 and felt I lost my personality ever since. No more funny. No more confident. No more me. My mind was constantly blank and aching. Suffering from brain fog. Fast forward 23 years and here I am on cuddlebuddies. To say life has been a blur is an understatement.

    I don’t think I’m normal and can function like a normal person. It may seem off to people but I don’t even realise 🤷🏾‍♂️

    Maybe I’m trying to hard to be friendly and liked… the worst of a when people just disappear on you and can’t even afford a reply. Im happy with rejection. Not so much made to feel insignificant.

    It’s happening way too often but I don’t know what I’m doing wrong? Isolation is cool. My sound doesn’t feel irked. Trying to force myself to socialise brings a lot of internal discomfort if in person. As you can see I chat away here…

    If the person is a truly kind and gentle person I don’t seem to have any issues. I feel safe and secure.

    Maybe it’s my nervousness in wanting to be accepted and liked…

  • CuddlyKind7CuddlyKind7

    @IronLemon First time someone has spoken to me and feels like they hitting the nail on the head.

    I’ve never been diagnosed or checked for anything but eye contact is the worse. My instinct is to look down or away. I’m also very blunt too. Not in a rude way unless I’m angered. Just very blunt and not tactful at times. At least I’m told I’m blunt.

    I need to look into that… I also find myself angered or worked up quickly in the face of what I perceive rudeness or stupidity. I get frustrated quickly.

    But I thought that was just to do with my past experiences…

    Thank you for your input

  • [Deleted User]gem7 (deleted user)

    @CuddlyKind7 I feel you. Please consider professional therapy/counseling to help you deal with your issues. You are worthy of feeling seen and being cuddled.

  • CharlieBearCharlieBear Mod

    @CuddlyKind7
    I have developed genuine friendships with pros who have become travel buddies/foodies/etc with me and none of that is transactional. And the point @atomicbearhug made about assuming you are already friends is something I live by and it has worked out incredibly well for me all my life.

  • IronicMaidenIronicMaiden

    @CuddlyKind7 The Autism Quotient test can't be used as a diagnosis, but it often is a good indication. https://embrace-autism.com/autism-spectrum-quotient/

  • [Deleted User]WriterGF (deleted user)

    I can't speak to any other struggles you are having, but don't consider yourself untouchable if you can't connect with an enthusiast. Most men have a very hard time doing that. There are way more men here than there are enthusiast women and the women tend to get buried in messages from day one.

  • CuddlyKind7CuddlyKind7

    @IronLemon I really appreciate the link. I was having a look in the meantime. It might explain a lot. Even from childhood tbh. I done two tests that scored quite high.

    I feel really frustrated with people at times. Hence my post lol. I will see if it is something a doctor can help with.

    Thank you

  • CuddlyKind7CuddlyKind7

    Thank you to everyone else that stopped by with friendly advice too. I honestly don’t think there’s anything wrong with me but then again a mad person is usually the last person to find out they’re mad lol

    Cheers guys

  • IronicMaidenIronicMaiden

    It's not that there's something wrong with you. It's that you've been playing by the wrong set of rules.

  • RunawaycuddlesRunawaycuddles

    I really feel for you, and I do want to reassure you that as someone with very similar experiences, especially in early life, it is absolutely possible to find, build and maintain very caring, intimate connections in all aspects of life, and I definitely want to absolutely confirm that there is nothing inherently wrong with you.
    I understand your experience, It is harder for some people to find the right connections than others no matter the circumstances, but it is not impossible, and you are worth the effort it takes to find that. 🫂

    When it comes to practical advice to help with that feeling, I do think it may be helpful to try a pro at least once. Not because that would be the answer to everything, I agree that finding an amateur is a better fit for you in the long run, but because it will help you build confidence in the cuddle space and help ease a little bit of the pain you feel while you look.
    The best cuddlers for people like us, both pro and amateur are comfortable engaging with the intensity we naturally bring, but finding the perfect fit can take some time, so it can help to practice a little here and there.

    Atomicbearhug helped point out some positive things and common "do's" so I'll share a couple "don'ts" to make things a bit clearer.

    • People are generally initially open minded, you get a few outliers that are closed off or even mean, but most people are open to some level of connection, but they are afraid of pressure. People with strong needs respond to them in the way that makes the most sense, by trying harder and harder to meet those needs, but for people who don't have the context it can be scary. Like, if you were unable to get access to food for weeks on end and you get invited to a dinner party, you'd naturally rush towards the food itself right? Even though you know without the context of the situation, you'd probably eat a lot, wouldn't care about table manners and generally just act in a way others would be offended by if they didn't understand your situation. It's kinda like that with emotional needs and the need for physical affection.
      You're not wrong for needing it, but seeing a pro, (which in the example I gave would be like finding a way to have a little food prior to the event) would help bring some of the intensity down so there's less natural pressure present.
      The pressure isn't there because you did something wrong, and it's absolutely NOT about trying to suppress or self deny enough to not let it show either, it's just a natural response to a perfectly normal need that it's important to respect and care for that need even if it starts small. Your needs are worth the cost of doing something you may find initially uncomfortable, so think of it as an investment.

    • Imitation is said to be the sincerest form of flattery, but in how we interact with each other it's most often seen as attempted manipulation rather than an effort to make the other person feel more comfortable around us, so what I've learned is that becoming comfortable in your own skin is the easiest way to bypass that fear reaction in others.
      People are, again, not generally terrible or trying to be cruel or harsh, everyone is genuinely just focused most strongly on themselves as opposed to anyone else. This is why it gets flagged as odd when they see other people focusing more intensely on them than we do on ourselves. Typically people only really do that when they're trying to get something out of someone, manipulate them or even cause them harm, so sometimes tip-toeing around people to try not to offend or scare them off is what scares them off.
      For those of us who have faced a lot of rejection that we don't really understand, our natural reaction is to look outwards to try and understand from those around us what is causing this in other people, but that ends up being counterproductive. So, as cliche as it sounds, I've found the best place to start socially is the path of "fake it till ya make it". If people compliment you, accept it verbally even if you secretly disagree internally, say thank you, and compliment them with something similar back. Instead of making self deprecating jokes, make silly ones that paint you in a comically good light, like if you drop something, instead of saying something like "I'm such a klutz", saying something like "I'm so coordinated" will help train your brain to center yourself rather than what others may or may not think about you.
      On a more personal level things like learning about our specific psychology and understanding why we do what we do, what our needs are and how we can meet them can help a lot, but that's something that happens more slowly over time.
      I found a good place to start is to switch verbal negative self talk to sarcastically self aggrandizing jokes, and internal negative self talk into neutral statements. Our brains are basically really complex sponges, so they tend to put out what gets put in, so if you say positive things about yourself, especially if they get a laugh from you or others, your brain will log that information and be more likely to repeat it back to you over time.
      Same thing with internal messages. Changing "I'm unloveable" to "I'm a human with natural needs" for example can be a great way to slowly shift your internal perspective away from what other people want to what you think when you think positively about yourself.
      Because yes, you are "different" than others, your life experience has proven that, just like mine did, but being different doesn't mean bad, or even "wrong", and the more you grow to accept and even love yourself as you truly are the easier it will be to find the people who relate to you as you are.

    Ironlemon made a good suggestion with checking for autism, I know it explained A LOT about why I was being treated the same way you have been, and that can help a lot. If you haven't taken the RAADS-R test I highly recommend it, and it is the most accurate test available outside of a therapists office, so if you test high the chances are very high that you're autistic like me. 🤘🏻

    Feel free to message me if you have any further questions or just need someone to chat about this with, I definitely get it and I'll be glad to help if I can ☺️

  • IronicMaidenIronicMaiden

    @Runawaycuddles Side note, I tried taking the RAADS-R, but I don't remember enough of my childhood to be able to answer the questions.

    Also, when I drop something, my comment is usually something along the lines of, "Gravity works."

    Overall, what you said sounds like good advice.

  • RunawaycuddlesRunawaycuddles

    @IronLemon Yeah, I had to guess at a lot of the "have you always/used to be" questions based on what others would say about how I was as a kid cuz ✨trauma✨ Gotta love it 😂😬
    I mention tht RAADS-R specifically because it's the most accurate at predicting an autism diagnosis, but the way they test for the 'tism is super flawed in a lot of ways, so we kinda gotta just do the best we can with what we've got. 🤷🏼

    Right?? Like soooo much of how we talk about ourselves is unnecessarily negative cuz that's how we were raised and socialized to treat ourselves and shifting that language from negative, to neutral to positive genuinely does help way more than I expected it would. 🤘🏻

    Thanks! Lotta years of practice 😂

  • JimBeamJimBeam

    @CuddlyKind7 I totally get what you mean about not liking the idea of having to pay someone to cuddle. But instead of thinking of it as a substitute for a relationship or friendship you might think of it as therapy.

    My mother was a psychotherapist and it's similar in that a person is paying someone to care about them. But my mother truly 100% cared about her clients and truly wanted to help them.

    Professional cuddlers aren't therapists but for most of them I think it's true to say that they genuinely care about the people they meet with. You can see that based on all the responses here. You might explain your struggles connecting to people when messaging a professional cuddler so they'll understand that you might feel a bit awkward and might not know what to do or say. If you don't get the feeling that the person is eager to reassure and help you then maybe just politely decline and find someone else.

    I think most professional cuddlers take pride in being able to set people at ease and get beyond worrying about what to do or say. It's almost more like physical therapy, except it's your comfort around other people that you're rehabilitating rather than a physical injury.

    And psychotherapy is quite helpful as well so you might consider that as well

  • sunnysideupsunnysideup

    @Runawaycuddles great contribution!

    Initially, I wasn’t too crazy about paid cuddles either and also struggled with feelings of being untouchable etc. But I think cuddling with a pro did help me feel better for atleast a week.

  • RunawaycuddlesRunawaycuddles

    @sunnysideup I'm glad it helped!! 🤘🏻

  • jmdankjmdank

    @CuddlyKind7
    I'm with you, I'm not big on the idea of paying someone to cuddle with, I want to feel like they want to cuddle with me, it's probably an ego thing wanting to feel validated and accepted, I have nothing against pros and I'm sure they do help a lot of people but it's not my cup of tea.

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